Monday, March 25, 2013
Michelle: What's wrong with you?
Me: I'm depressed.
Michelle: Just because of that B-minus? God Aubrey–
Me: No. I mean, yeah, because of the B-minus. But I've been depressed for weeks. I just want to go home. I don't want anything to do with school.
Michelle: You have sundowners.
Me: What?
Michelle: Sundowners. Was it sunny all the time in Singapore?
Me: Yes.
Michelle: Then you have sundowners. It's when you move to a place where there isn't enough sun, and you don't get enough vitamin D. So you feel depressed.
I wish it was as simple as sundowners because how can I be this depressed for weeks without even knowing why and if you knew me you'd know this kills me even more because when it comes to my own feelings I always need to know the answers I always need to know why
Even admitting this aloud is shameful because I can just feel your contempt, traversing the oceans and miles to this desk at which I sit. You care. I'm here for you, you would say. But beneath that a wisp of the sentiment "Be stronger" is left unuttered. But I feel it, it's palpable like heat clinging onto air on a hot summer day, I see it in your eyes, as if you were right in front of me. Your gaze is enough to have me retreat further into myself.
My dear, if you care, then where are you?
Don't misconstrue my intentions... I never felt that way.
I am oversensitive, neurotic, overwrought. Why is it that after years of shunning physical touch, of recoiling as my mother attempts to lay her hand upon my shoulder, of twisting uncomfortably as I am caught in an embrace... All I want for now is to be held, for someone to stroke my hair and tell me that everything will be okay? I will not be convinced, because nothing in life is ever "okay". But I would think that in that moment, I would believe it.
Pictures from New Orleans/DC soon, after I finish this roll of film.
LOL sidetrack: Michelle is talking to her mother on the phone and telling her mother "PA" but her mother didn't get it so she just snapped, "P! As in 'P' for 'penis', mom!"
Ok I don't know what else to say bye.
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