Wednesday, October 31, 2012
At work now and they're playing this emo song cos one of the colleagues in the small department I work in is having her last day today hahaha
Oh, I just Googled the song and it's It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday by Boyz II Men.
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Sunday, October 28, 2012
You know that sense of satisfaction you get after you complete a momentous task?
When you finish your work and upload it to WebPrint and realize that 4 hours of your life is culminated in these 10 pages and 30 printer points, and you're happy even though these four hours and fried brain cells are accounted for by these measly 30 printer points?
When you think gleefully to yourself, "Oh lalala look it's nearly 12 AM and I am still at the library! This must be evidence of my diligence!"?
When you stand up and your body feels sore from sitting on a wooden chair in the library for nearly 8 hours straight – excluding dinner and bathroom breaks – and you're distinctly aware of how you were due to shower 5 hours ago, but you're still self-satisfied? Even though those warm showers are often the one of the best parts of your day?
Yeah, I just felt that.
And that all crashed when I chanced upon the page of this genius girl I stalk. On top of being a literary genius and incredibly witty, I just discovered she also does pencil portraits that receive nearly a hundred likes on Facebook and look legitimately outstanding.
When am I going to be good enough? In something, in anything?
Someday, someday.
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012
At times I think about how different my life could be if only I had taken a different step.
I wonder how things would be like if I had stayed in MCM.
I wonder how things would be like had I gone to ACJC instead of poly.
I wonder how things would be like had I not met certain people, or were close to certain others.
What's the use of all this pondering?
I just have nothing to do at work.
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Tuesday, October 23, 2012
hazelnut hot chocolate
I hate how you do this to me. And I don't even know if you mean it. It is stupid, God knows it is, why am I always being made to feel.
You can't keep acting like that. You can't keep acting like I will always be here no matter what :(
Note: If you think the above is directed at you, it probably isn't.
---
My weekend was good!
Cooked almond chicken and mashed potatoes with Michelle! We shared it with Jess. Our dinner was good.
My friends are funny.
My friends are friend is guailan.
I miss my friends!
Random photo of Abel he asked me to tie his hair into pigtails then HAHAHA
From one of my albums "Disgusting Phoebe & I", I present to you...
Disgusting Phoebe & I
HAHAHA I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING AT THE LAST FEW PHOTOS I OPENED THE ALBUM AND KEPT SNIGGERING TO MYSELF
Khokhokrunch! Picture semi-spoiled cos Carolyn didn't coordinate her facial expression with ours.
Theo and I circa April/May this year (check out my double chin yo)
WEI WEIIIIIIIIIII
Took this photo and Whatsapped it to my mom cos she didn't believe I was just heading to Mac for supper with these two and not out somewhere gallivanting.
The leaves, they were going round in circles with the wind I was amazed like when I was a kid and I turned a bottle upside down and shook it for the first time ever and a mini-vortex whirled inside it.
Cannot remember this was from but just upload.
Dad dancing at a National Day event at the CC he said, "Sometimes must act a bit ma,"
Sigh sigh sigh midterm exam tomorrow and two papers due on Thursday I should not be typing this, I should be going to Grounds for Change to get coffee.
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Saturday, October 20, 2012
apricot poodles
Had the most splendid dream in the night leading into October 18.
The dream took place in a pet shop, illuminated by yellowish bright light, with high ceilings and rack after wooden rack of pet supplies.
In a section there were puppies in big cages with open tops. To be specific, baby poodles with apricot red, curly hair, and next to these cages stood a toddler boy.
I was with a girlfriend, whose face will remain unidentified now because I can't remember, and we were talking to the shopkeepers and were about to leave the store. We squatted down, level to the cages holding the poodles, and I reached in the cage to tickle one of the baby poodles, which was lying on its back. I don't really know how to explain what happened next, but the poodle made a sound that was a cross between a puppy's whimper and a baby's laughter. It was the most adorable thing I've ever heard and my heart melted. The boy laughed.
Suddenly my mind revealed to my dream self that this pet store and us all, were in Taiwan. I talked to the pet store owners and asked them, "Can Romney speak Chinese?" They said they didn't know. The idea that Romney could possibly speak Chinese made me feel sad, like with his ability to speak Chinese he would want to terrorize this peaceful place.
The distinct thought of moving to Taiwan if not for the language barrier germinated in my dream self's mind. I could speak Chinese, but I was acutely aware of how bad my Chinese was and how my English was so much better. But I was tempted to stay there forever, with the kind shopkeepers and baby apricot poodles and wooden racks.
What a happy dream. I woke up badly wanting an apricot poodle.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I am emo queen
I should be getting to bed, it's 12.20 AM and I have a Women's Studies exam later, and Wednesdays are always my busiest days, but I felt compelled to write this.
Many times in my teenage years (which, sadly, are coming to an end) I have faltered and fallen into bouts of depression. I know at heart it was never ever super extreme, I don't really know if I should consider myself strong or weak – at times whenever I was depressed I would want so badly for myself to die, but I never had the courage to hurt myself enough to seal my spirit and jump onboard the train of death. In a certain sense, that's bravery because I was making myself go on living, but in another sense, that was cowardice too because I wasn't brave enough to kill myself.
So I displayed my despondence through other ways – starving myself, going on raving diets, bashing myself when I wasn't strong enough to uphold those diets; and purposely putting myself in situations where the risk of injury or fatality were high. It's quite a paradox though; I did those things to express how depressed I was but doing those things required a certain level of discipline, and I was rigidly trying to control as many aspects of my life as I could because I... wanted to be in control.
Up until recently, my viewpoint on life has always been this: why try so hard at living, when in the end, you are going to die anyway?
Digressing a little: I was, and still am terrified, not by the idea of death, but by the fact that if I am reborn, I would have to go through the same sufferings and pains everyone goes through in their lives, that the coming-of-age scenario(s) would just replay over and over again in all my lives. I keep asking myself, what is the point of facing so much pain? At times I still wish that my soul, and I, as an entity, did not exist at all. Sometimes I wish my existence would be completely negated and erased because I am tired of fighting – again, what is the point of it when we all live and then die in the end anyway? Maybe I am too weak for this world.
One of the turning points came in Sec 3 when I was trying to pin something up on the noticeboard outside the Council room. That was the worst time in my life ever – but then again I've gone through so many periods I considered "the worst", so I don't really know what "the worst" really is anymore. I was pushing on the glass panel and it was kind of stuck, and then I don't know what happened, but the glass panel that covered the noticeboard (which was probably up to my shoulder if you held it up on the ground, and the width of a bicycle) fell out completely, crashing onto the gray cemented floor and shattering into a billion pieces. My first reaction was to be upset about a) how careless and stupid I was to not even be able to do something properly, b) how the glass panel didn't just fall on me because I wanted to just die. These thoughts came so quickly to me it was almost like they were a reflex.
I think that was when I realized how fucked up I was. I didn't know what I going to do with my life, I didn't know where it was headed, that scared me, and it felt like it could never go the way I wanted it to no matter how much control I exerted, no matter how much or hard I tried. I didn't see anything about my life that was good, or worthy of being happy about. I didn't know why I was living; I wanted to die.
So I continued to cross roads impetuously, running across them in hopes of being knocked down so I would just die, please God just take me out of my misery. Whenever I felt even slightly happy, I would start to feel guilt because I believed that I was "undeserving of happiness" (that is verbatim, off one of my blog posts from years ago). Whenever I gradually got out of feeling depressed and started feeling happier, I would begin to doubt myself – why am I behaving this way, I don't deserve this, I should stop being obnoxious, etc.
Along the way I realized many things. When I was really young I thought I was destined for greatness, and then in Sec 1 I realized that was not going to happen. I had always thought love conquers all, and then in Sec 3 I learned that sometimes, just love is not enough.
And all the beliefs I had in the above paragraph are beginning to elude me.
I think the wonderful thing about life is how it is ever-changing, and life is simply what you make of it. Ironically, coming here to America, away from my family and all my friends, has actually made me a happier person. The truth is, I never expected that to happen, but it has. Now that I'm here, I feel like I have more autonomy in my own life and I'm no longer dictated by what could be expected of me.
Yes, I believe that when I go back to Singapore, I'll feel oppressed again by my parents' expectations of me, but this thought is easily negated but one belief I hold – that "this too shall pass", that all things in life are transitory. When I grow older and become more of my own person, I will be able to live the life I want. And hopefully you all believe that at heart I'm a good person hahaha, because I will live my life the way that makes me the happiest, but I won't do so at the expense of other people's happiness.
It hurt like mad in the past whenever I had to conceal how sad I really was, how I had to pretend to be strong and force myself to function, when deep down inside I really felt numb, like I had already died. And the saddest thing was, despite this, many people could see through my demeanor and see how sad and angry I really was. My friends labelled me "emo queen" lol. My old Tumblr URL was "residentemo". It was evident I was depressed. When nobody extended a helping hand, I assumed that nobody would be able to understand the depths and intricacies of my emotions, but then I also felt like I was the most selfish person ever for wanting people to care.
I am not the most confident person. Today, I still battle self-esteem
issues – in fact ever since a couple of weeks backs I have, on a couple
of occasions, stuck my finger down my throat to try and regurgitate
food that I have so sinfully binged on. (But don't worry I didn't
actually throw up anything HAHAHA I was too afraid to go all the way.) (And a part of the reason why I attempted it was cos I wanted to know how it feels like hahaha.) Every single day I am still liable to being depressed, and it doesn't help that I am attracted to sad things. I see many reasons why being sad is actually not such a bad thing at all – I am still really really tantalized by the idea of it, but I shan't go into why for now.
But the realization that I am my own person has made me a more hopeful
person. I still haven't figured out the point of life but I do know now
that it's okay to not have all the answers, and the only way I can be happy
is to ignore and push away this perplexing question from the confines of
my mind. And after having been depressed so many times, I've finally concluded that depression is not something to be ashamed of at all, because when you come out of it, you emerge a stronger person. A stronger person with scars (visible or not), but still. Every single time I come out of being depressed, I become a better person, I learn a little more. So now every time I feel sad I just tell myself, you've been through something like this before, no matter how you think this could be the worst, it will get better, you will feel better. No matter how much it doesn't feel like it's going to happen, just blindly believe this.
So yes, in retrospect, I guess my secondary school friends' moniker for me (amongst several others) of "emo queen" was actually not such a bad thing at all.
I just want people to know fighting internal turmoil is not something to be ashamed of, because in actual fact, it makes you the strongest person of all.
Goddammit it's 1.30 AM I am going to wake up tomorrow morning sleep deprived.
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Monday, October 15, 2012
自分の気持ち 信じられない
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Events of late:
FIRE ALARM WENT OFF AT 5.30 AM THIS MORNING. When the wail of the alarm jolted me out of my peaceful but raucous slumber (raucous because, according to Michelle, I was snoring away really loudly last night, and this was not the first time), I had a vague thought "Oh no is this the end of the world?" My musing was interrupted by Ginger Hannah and Michelle's enraged cries of "Motherfucker!" and "What the fuck is going on?!" I check my phone and chime in, "Oh my god it's only fucking five-thirty!" Unlike the night before when the alarm went off at 9ish PM where the three of us stayed in our room, this time we obediently pile out of the building with everybody else.
Later, we would learn that the alarm went off cos a girl who lives in Brooks (the all-female dorm connected to our dorm building) burnt her popcorn and set off the alarm. Our reactions to this were all the same in effect (with expletives or not) – Who the fuck makes popcorn at 5.30 AM?!?!?! Apparently, this girl is on the swim team and they wake up really early everyday for practice. This prompted another question (from Michelle) – "Who the fuck has popcorn for breakfast?!?!?!"
x
In light of the news of my loud and unglamorous snoring, I have decided that I will only marry someone who finds my snoring cute (although when Michelle imitated the way I snore, it sounds really guttural and absolutely defeminizing). SIGH WHY AM I BORN WITH NASAL AND SINUS PROBLEMS WHY. The worst part is, I felt absolutely fine last night!!!! I didn't feel like my nose was congested with snot or anything. Does this mean my 下巴下垂 (<--- the explanation my parents give to the question of why people snore as they grow older) already :((((( I do believe I will be completely enraptured by someone who will not only accept, but also think fondly of my loud snoring, oh yes I will.
x
Concluding lunch with Dalia Ziada today! This brings our course with her to a close, subsequently we have another class with Professor Mattiace. Will kinda miss Dalia (lol say until like she's my friend. She's not, though), she's really nice and friendly and so inspiring. Ate too much food that was provided at the free lunch HAHAHA I was half-abashedly grabbing pieces of curry chicken (it is rare to find food that is spicy, and even this was hardly spicy to me) and to justify my actions I exclaimed to one of my classmates with gusto, "This chicken is so good!"
x
Women's Studies midterm exam is on Wednesday, boo >:( Today we received very vague instructions on what we're supposed to study for the exam, let's hope I get an A, this makes up 20% of my grade!!!
x
Yesterday, checked my mailbox and got a letter from Kelila! It's like an act of divine intervention omg. Especially with this recent discovery of Waibin avoiding me for apparently no reason :( I wrote back asking Kelila for help (haven't mailed out the letter yet), but I have a feeling that he might have deleted her off Facebook too.
x
Finished Divergent by Veronica Roth, well it was somewhat frivolous and definitely very easy to read, so that was enjoyable, but it also made me feel guilty. Today in English class we discussed the difference between casual reading and close reading, and this made me realize why I have not been able to advance in my understanding and employment of literature – because I never had the patience to try and understand complex literary texts and read through them in the first place. Even if I do have the "patience" to finish a complex book, it is really only a mask – I skim through the text without slowing down to try and make deeper sense of what is being said and implied. I am ashamed cos this demonstrates laziness, how far would I be now if I had, from years ago, patiently read through texts that are harder to understand? But it is too early to give up yet.
I am constantly amazed by the world of literature and constantly having my mind expanded. It's like everyday I'm shedding old notions I've held and gaining glasses of different shades and tints to use to view the world. Most striking of all is this – the study of literature advocates patience. My major and minor remains undeclared but after today, of this I am sure – I will at least minor in English, and if I find I really enjoy it I'll double major in English and something else, or major in something else and have English as one of my double minors.
Someday I'll write something amazing, instead of all these bromidic discourses.
x
Kellogg's Special K Bar cereal bars are divine. And they are only 90 calories apiece. I am eating one now, at 11.12 PM.
Ta! <--- tribute to Phoebe, who used to sign off this way
P/S to my poly friends – hope you all had a good first-day-of-the-semester :-)
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Thursday, October 11, 2012
The day before we left New York for college I refused to go to the wax museum and double-decked bus night tour because I was nearly broke. Instead, I hopped on the subway and took a train back to Queens, making my way back to the hotel alone (something I had been strongly advised against doing).
Actually, looking back, I don't know what the big fuss is about New York being a dangerous city. Sure, people can be rude, racist and ripoffs (hurhurhur look at my use of alliteration here. Actually I only included "ripoffs" just so I could proudly employ alliteration), but I don't feel it's that unsafe a place. I got back to the hotel safe in one piece! (Except for a whole bunch of hair I dropped along the way, I always fidget with my hair everywhere I go and it keeps dropping. No, I do not have a hair loss problem, I just have long hair)
Strange as it is, the solitude was something I greatly enjoyed. It led me to conclude that it's never the place that matters, or the things you do, but it's the people you're with that make the difference.
Based on one of the previous posts, it goes without saying that my general attitude towards Jihee throughout the trip can be summed up in two words: pissed off. Actually, when I went back to read that post again today, I feel kind of bad. Why, why was I so angry then. As they always say, do not incur the wrath of a girl on PMS. Or, actually, do not incur the wrath of a girl at all.
And then Song Qian had this perpetually depressed air about him, I think he felt rather sore from his breakup with his girlfriend. Honestly though, I don't see what he has to be so depressed about, seeing as how he admitted to having feelings for Yuan (I had, the night before our trip, very directly asked him, "Tell me honestly, are you like, interested in Yuan or something?"). But I'm not going to judge because I, of all people, should understand the complexities of a relationship – it is not something a bystander can ever fully comprehend. One thing I have to say, though: I got extremely uncomfortable when he started to poke me or push my head around. I think once I got so annoyed I even snapped at him "干嘛啦！！" HAHAHAHA
Now look at that huge digression.
The main idea is that I didn't quite enjoy the company during this trip so even though I was holed up in the hotel alone, I was glad. I took a long shower, ordered Chinese delivery and read a couple of chapters of The Great Gatsby. And after all that procrastination I began to read the texts for Women's Studies. One of them was online, and referenced Ann Romney (that's the wife of US presidential candidate, for the uninitiated), so out of curiosity I went to her Wikipedia page. I had no particular interest in her so I entertained myself by reading only the tantalizing aspects of her life... I.e., her life story.
I learned that Mitt Romney unofficially proposed to her at his junior prom – she was only 16 then – and she agreed. They had only been dating for a few months. So Mitt Romney goes off to some... Mormon missionary for a two and half year stay, and throughout this period the both of them continue to correspond, quite romantically, through letters. Eventually, Ann goes off to Brigham Young University where she apparently fends off a plethora of suitors, until finally she begins to develop an interest in one guy who "reminds her of Mitt". She writes Mitt Romney a Dear John letter of sorts, and he, panicked and forlorn, writes back imploring her to wait for him. And she does.
She, along with the Romney family, picks him up at the airport when he returns. On that same day they decide to get married lol. Three months later they are married, Ann soon becomes pregnant with what would be the first of their five sons while she is still in college. After graduation she becomes a full-time housewife.
This all sounds like a very romantic story, but who knows for sure if it could be real? It's also mentioned somewhere else that Mitt Romney loves his wife very dearly – on long, family road trips he has a strict policy of making no unplanned stops for the bathroom, but would break this rule without hesitation for his wife. Based on media reports I've read about Ann Romney, she gives me the feeling of being, um, rather in awe of her husband and kind of like a stupid, deferential 小女人 hahaha that might be mean but I can't help it. She really comes across to me in that way.
I don't think I will ever be able to exceedingly subservient to my husband/boyfriend, ever. I will never give up my career just to stay home and take care of the kids. The most I would go would be to cut back on time spent at work – that's as far as I would go. And even then I would expect my husband to make some compromises too.
As nice as it is to feel protected, I think guys tend to have a wrong interpretation of chivalry. It's like holding the door open or pulling my chair out... I really have no problem doing that, I am perfectly capable of doing it. Of course there are plenty of other less obvious examples, but these are the ones that come off the top of my head. Or like how when it's raining and you share an umbrella, the guy always holds the umbrella. I feel really conflicted because I enjoy such concessions but they perpetuate the sense that girls are weak. And I enjoy such concessions not because "I am a girl", but more because, um... "I am lazy to hold the umbrella, it's not that I can't do it but it makes it so much easier that someone else is doing it for me, saves me a sore in the arm".
Still, though, if the relationship between Mitt and Ann Romney is just as it is reported, then I'm slightly envious. Even till today, although I'm skeptical, deep down I can't accept the idea of marrying someone I am not completely enraptured with. I mean, that might seem kind of stupid but I pondered about it and thought, who in my life have I ever loved just as much as, or more than myself? Certainly no one in my family (I'm going to hell for this), for sure. Of my friends – maybe, in the past, when I was still had a certain naivete and belief that your closest friends were literally worth dying for, but that faith in people has eroded over the years and assumed a wary and doubtful form. And I thought of the people I used to date and the answer came to me almost instantaneously: no, not really.
Am I, then, a heartless and selfish person? I have been this way as long as I remember. Even as a kid. I still strongly believe, though, that if you don't love yourself enough, you will never be able to love someone else quite adequately.
Wow how did this become such a lengthy discourse.
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
books
I need to read more!
Bold the ones you’ve read and italicize the ones you’ve read parts/excerpts of.
1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carrol
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo
[10 October 2012]
Completed: 5 / 100
Excerpts: 7 / 100
This is terrible, out of a 100 I've only read 5 completely, and of some of these 5 I can barely even remember major plot details!!!
Actually I also read excerpts of quite a few on the list, like Hamlet and a couple of Jane Austens, but I feel like it would be lying to myself to consider myself as having even read some excerpts when I can scarcely remember those excerpts and I only went at most a chapter into the book.
The most annoying book on the list is ATONEMENT BY IAN MCEWAN. God knows how many times I attempted to finish this book already!!!!!!!! But I cannot take it, it's really too boring for me :( My untrained literary sense renders me unable to understand the book and subsequently I am unable to appreciate it. It's the same thing with The Great Gatsby (which I'm going through now), but hopefully by the time I finish and re-read it again I'll get it.
This being a list of classic books, I'm mildly surprised at The Perks of Being a Wallflower's exclusion from this list. And why is The Lovely Bones in there?
Shall refer to this list every couple of months to see how far I've gone.
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Monday, October 8, 2012
Note to single children out there: STOP BEING A SELFISH BRAT, GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEARN TO ACCOMMODATE. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND YOUR DEMANDS.
That is not to say all single children have the characteristics I just mentioned – obviously the above is a rather sweeping generalization.
This trip in New York, I have been so constantly pissed at Ji-hee (who, well, what do you know, is a single child!), and this angst is extremely poisonous to my soul.
I realize that when I'm PMS-ing I let my annoyance show more easily than I usually do, it's as if the hormonal imbalance loosens my control over my emotions – they are all over the place and I can't suppress them as deftly as I usually would be able to.
It's been 2 days now in New York and my bank account has depleted by over two hundred bucks. Ji-hee also constantly tries to act smart and (unintentionally) rips me off of my money. Fuck the more I think about it the more angry I am.
I ALMOST FEEL LIKE DITCHING HER (AND CONSEQUENTLY QIAN SONG, WHO'S ACTUALLY VERY NICE) AND GO EXPLORING QUEENS ON MY OWN. I DON'T EVEN MIND NOT GOING INTO MANHATTAN ANYMORE.
Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I do – the Empire Statue building, people-watching on the Subway, devouring dessert at Ferrara's in Little Italy – my friends are ubiquitous. Every single thing leads back to this: someday I will bring my friends here and we will do all of this together. It is as if I left my heart entirely in Singapore.
Whenever feelings of frustration and anger over the Subway system (with its rude, fucked up, unhelpful customer "service" personnel, complicated train system, last minute track repairs) and Ji-hee's selfishness threatens to push me over the edge and make me lose faith in humanity, it is the thought of all of you that grounds me. "It's okay," I'd think. "I'm learning all of this so that next time if I come back with [insert name of Singaporean friend], we'd know what to do."
Sigh why are people so mean and selfish???????
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Thursday, October 4, 2012
busiest wednesday
Busiest day ever since beginning college. I can feel exhaustion right down to every bone but today was rather fulfilling so a chronicle is in order.
0720 Alarm rings. I snooze it (my snooze is 9 minutes). Roll around in bed contemplating whether or not to get up. The mind, though still groggy, begins to get active as more thoughts begin to stir. I pull myself out of bed at 0724 before my alarm rings again.
0749 Out the door and off to English.
0800 English class. Didn't read today's discussed poem beforehand in detail, "To Autumn". Details of our poetry exam on Friday are disclosed, but everything remains very, very vague. I am worried for the exam on Friday.
0850 Out of English and off to Comparative Politics.
0900 Comparative Politics class at Quigley Hall. Discussed a little bit about the Soviet Union, before moving on to Russia. FINALLY, FINALLY I POSTED A PERCEPTIVE QUESTION TODAY IN CLASS /pats self on back I asked, "If the voters know that those parties are just 'virtual opposition', then why do they still vote for them anyway?" Teeheehee this sounds so scholarly even to myself /smug But anyway Professor Mattiace got pretty excited and we discussed this question. Guy Who Sits In Front Of Me And Always Raises His Hand tried to act smart and answer my question but got (nicely) shot down by Professor Mattiace, who implied he didn't quite interpret my question correctly. Turned in our New York Times journals, hope I do well!!!
0950 Out of Comparative Politics. I head to McKinley's to grab brunch cos I know I wouldn't be able to eat for quite a couple of hours. Got a burger and breakfast potatoes, after I finished them I relished the taste of the food in my mouth and felt guilty at the same time. How, I am so fat now. I resolve to embark on a diet plan soon.
1020 Back in dorm room, change books and folder in my bag in accordance to next class. Contemplated taking a short nap, but made myself read another couple of pages on Egypt for this evening's class instead.
1100 Women's Studies class. Finally found out who the person with the weird laughter in class is. Over the past few weeks I had narrowed it down to two suspects but today I managed to identify the person guilty of such horse-like laughter. It was difficult finding out who it was, cos this girl laughs with her mouth closed. Each laugh of hers sounds like a horse neighing... in pain. I realized it was her cos she was shaking to the beat of her laughter. I felt an immense sense of accomplishment, but subsequently got really annoyed cos her laughter is the most annoying thing I've ever heard, and now whenever she laughs I just surreptitiously shoot daggers and glare at her.
1205 Yay we are let off class early! I return to my dorm room. Ginger Hannah is pissed because Shaun came into our room earlier on and spilled milk on her rug. While he's reaching forward to try to mop up the mess and listening to Ginger Hannah shout at him... He spills another cup of chocolate milk on the exact same spot. Ginger Hannah goes ballistic and yells at him thrice to get out. His face turns red and he leaves. I am happy because Shaun has been annoying recently, he comes to our room every. single. day. Devour a couple more pages on Egypt, and then because I can barely think straight, I take a ten minute nap.
1300 Work. Jesse (main supervisor) is not in today. I do my assigned tasks, executing each step with slow deliberation, so I can drag the time out. I go out of the office for half an hour to take pictures around campus. Back in the office, I edit the pictures and post one on the college's official Instagram. Isn't my job cool.
1530 I leave the office, although work is supposed to end at 1700, but I head off on the pretense of going to the women's soccer game. In reality, I give myself half an hour to buy a sandwich and wait for Song Qian, whom I have asked to help me take photos after I leave the game. We meet outside the Campus Center and walk to Robertson Field.
1600 At Robertson Field, today's game was Allegheny against Wooster. Before the game starts Song Qian lets me try out this finger reading app on his phone, and I learn that I'm a passionate, hot-blooded, ditzy, kind-hearted girl who easily falls into the traps of romance. Also, suitable career paths for me include but are not limited to musician, director, theatre, etc. I am thoroughly inspired.
1700 Walk into a Quigley classroom for International Studies with my face flushed from my hike from Robertson Field to back down on campus. I take a seat near Tohmahs and Blonde Hannah and we learn about some background knowledge about Egypt.
1800 Back at dorm.
1820 Off to Walmart, Blonde Hannah drives Michelle and I there. The three of us peruse some random clothing store, Dollar Tree (God it's like another American Daiso, but only even better... Everything in the store costs a dollar. But everything in Daiso is cuter), Sally's and finally Walmart. I buy a case of water from Walmart. Just as we're walking back to Blonde Hannah's car and Michelle is commending me on my strength, I drop the case of water and calmly say, "Oh, fuck." The both of them laugh at me and I laugh at myself. Michelle hauls up the case of water and lifts it over her head and carries it back to the car for me ._.
1945 Spontaneous decision to get Pizza Hut takeout.
2015 Blonde Hannah calls Daniel, the guy living on our floor in the other triple room, to help us carry the case of water back upstairs in exchange for a slice of pizza. Back in our room, we sit on the rug (which Shaun spilled milk on, but we sat on the undamaged areas) and devour pizza. I start to feel full after one slice, and eat another. Gave my third slice to Ureka. Michelle decorates our door with a wallpaper and fake cobwebs for Halloween.
2100 Blonde Hannah wraps a pregnancy test kit in newspaper and puts it on Natasha's table. They are currently having a full-out war. (More on this next time)
2115 Blonde Hannah and I go to the library to watch a documentary for our International Studies class. Bumped into Yukihidei, whom I haven't seen in weeks! He tried helping us with the headsets. We also decide to print half of our readings for the class, and had 500 printing points each deducted from our accounts :'(
2245 Finally back in Walker Annex Hall again. I unpack and tidy my stuff up.
2317 Shower.
2347 Waiting for Justin to come on Skype so we can discuss law. Where the hell are you Justin? Answer: Probably still sleeping.
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I'll be anything
Reading up on Egypt for International Studies class tomorrow, and I don't know why I feel so sad for them.
Personally, I've always thought totalitarian regimes are more oppressive and worse than authoritarian regimes, but reading about Egypt's authoritarian regime makes me plain sad. I think mainly because in totalitarian regimes, the people are indoctrinated and they might not even be aware that they're suffering anyway. That, to me, isn't as saddening as knowing you are being tormented and seeing no way to get out of it. It's like seeing green grass over on the other side of the barbed wire fence and you're stuck in an arid dessert on the other side.
君がもうこれ以上
二度とこわいものを
見なくてすむのなら
僕は何にでもなろう
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Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Why am I so stupid - Installment #2
Again, why am I so stupid!
Went to Rite-Aid just now while waiting for my Asian food take out so that I could buy some travel pack shampoo, body soap and other stuff I need for New York this weekend. The travel pack soaps were also for my sister, who's going to Boston come Fall Break with Tang Qiyi.
So I walked back merrily swinging my bags of food and school stuff around, quickening my pace so it'd be like I was exercising and so that I can hurry back to the warmth of my dorm room and have my fried rice.
4 dumplings, half a box of fried rice and one half-hour shower later, I came back to my laptop table and happily tapped away on the keyboard playing Tetris.
"Okay end alr I'm at cc btw", my sister texted me. I commenced on two more rounds of Tetris but got trounced cos my laptop was lagging. Pushing myself off my chair, I proceeded to look into the bag form Rite-Aid to separate my sister's travel supplies from mine. And then I realized – the soaps were not there!!!
"The strangest thing just happened," I, bemused, exclaimed to Shaun and Ginger Hannah. And I explained the situation. They told me I probably left my bag at the store and told me to call them up. At this point it was 9.15 PM.
So I left my dorm room to head to the Campus Center to pass my sister her share of dumplings – sans body soap and shampoo – and my call to the store confirmed that I had stupidly left one whole bag of soap at the store. Tomorrow I have to walk down to the store and back uphill again just to get the bag of stuff T___TLabels: Why Am I So Stupid
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You have only been gone ten days
But already I'm wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you
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a busy monday
October 1 2012
10.04 AM
Am blogging cos I have a break in between my classes now but this is going to be a quick one because I want to take a nap.
I just got back an assignment which consists 7.5% of my grade for my Comparative Politics class. I was really afraid of turning over to the back of the paper to see how I'd fared but surprisingly I got a 91, which is an A or A-??? I don't see how this could have happened. How could I have bullshitted through a paper and got an A/A-?
Most of time when I'm doing papers (save for English) I'm blindly stumbling through the words and texts and I don't really find that I have perceptive things to say. Maybe I expect too much from myself but I really don't understand what I'm learning. As much as it makes me happy, I don't really think I'm deserving of the grade I got :/
But fall break is coming really soon and I'm, well, kind of excited. Why the lack of enthusiasm, you may ask – I'm excited about going to New York this weekend but I have kind of drifted a little from Ji-hee so I don't know how the trip is going to be :/ Plus Song Qian sort of broke up with his girlfriend so he's been in quite a foul mood. Hopefully the trip makes him feel better though, all right I shall make it my personal mission to see that he feels at least a little better by the end of the trip hahaha. Yuan is helping us sort out the itinerary for what we're going to do and she has sent me a couple of pages to view online but we haven't settled on anything yet, bah.
Perhaps the one good thing – okay I'm exaggerating, there was more than one good thing I suppose – that came out of the camping trip last weekend was my newly acquired experience of "star tipping". When I did it I got so excited and the first thing I thought of was, how am I going to show this to all my friends back in Singapore? I miss everyone very dearly.
10.43 AM
I just laid down on the rug in the middle of my dorm room for 20 minutes. Spent the first 10 minutes trying to nap but to no avail so I gave up. Was so reluctant to peel myself off the floor and head off for class. And then I switched on my phone front camera and moved it around to see my ugliest angles. I laughed at how ugly I am HAHAHAHAHA that gave me energy to move.
3.32 PM
Just had a meeting with my Comparative Politics professor and the pre-law advisor. Should I take law? Questions, questions.
Work later from 4 to 5 PM. It's only an hour but I don't feel like going. Somebody help me get out of bed!
5.03 PM
Just came back from work meeting and finished my last granola bar. I need to go to Wal-mart soon cos I need to buy a new crate of water. I don't wanna drink out of the water cooler nooooo /spoilt brat
I screwed up my schedule for Wednesday and now I have two events to run to at the same time – one for work and one for my new International Studies class. How am I going to survive! Somebody hand me Hermione's Time-Turner!
7.41 PM
After a long walk down and up Park Ave I have emerged victorious back in my dorm room with Asian food yay. Only downside is I feel fat now cos I ate too much. All right time to do a bit of work and then shower and then my day is complete!!! :-)
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