Friday, December 23, 2011
I go to sleep and I dream of all the things I'm worried about in my sleep. College applications. LocVid ideas and scripts undone. My luggage, unpacked. And these things flood my mind even more when my mind senses that I'm even the slightest bit awake.
Can somebody save me? I don't know what to do anymore. I used to see sleeping as an escape from reality, a place where I am safe from everyone and everything but myself. Dreams, fragile as they are, have always been so very important to me. They are a distraction from the troubles of life. But these days I find I can no longer escape from my troubles anymore – they haunt me once I step into dreamland. And I can tell you, it really sucks to be dreaming about all the things you're supposed to do but have not yet done. I haven't felt rested in probably over a month.
In other strange events of late, I have been talking to the ex-boyfriend a lot. By ex-boyfriend, I mean the one I was really hung up over back then. By a lot, I mean everyday, and for a few hours everyday. It's amazing because long conversations that last for hours and stretch over days just don't exist for me anymore. These conversations ceased to exist once people started abandoning MSN for Skype/Facebook Chat and started getting too lazy to text.
It all started on my birthday, when he sent me a message over Whatsapp to wish me a happy birthday. And then I don't know what happened, but we just started talking again.
We talk about a lot of senseless drivel. We tease each other a lot, almost endlessly. We speak in a way we have never done before. It was hard being friends with him from the first time we met because I guess we probably sort of liked each other from the start, and it is always difficult to behave normally in front of such a person. But this time round I guess we both know it's different.
I can see he hasn't changed a lot though. It's true when they say old habits die hard. He's still a private person (and how he probably doesn't know he is like that remains the same as before), he's still the type that would get somewhat possessive over his girlfriend. But I suppose these are traits, rather than habits, and I guess these things would never die out.
Underlying his outwardly bravado and defenses, I still see the gentle soul I've seen so long ago. I guess perhaps people might find this laughable. But I do really believe that at heart, he's actually a really good person. He just needs to stop being so afraid (and afraid of what, I don't even know).
Speaking to him over these past few days has made me realised something though, and that is how all guys seem to have short-term memory (henceforth abbreviated as STM). Most of my "do you remember when..."s are usually met with "REALLY?!"s or "Omg how did you know?"s. "Omg how did you know?" comes when I mention something he has forgotten ever telling me. But I remember, I remember a lot.
A while back when I spoke to Honkei, we both realised he has STM as well. The belief that my memory is good (or as someone has called it, "imba") was re-ascertained when I spoke to the ex. But it really makes me wonder – do guys really have STM, or is it just that girls tend to remember things too much, and too easily? After all, most of the time it's girls who hold grudges and not guys.
But the ability of his mind to retain information (or in this case, lack thereof) stuns and fascinates me. HOW is it possible for someone to not remember so many things? Perhaps this is why he could get over our relationship so quickly, but it took me ages to do the same. I am starting to wonder if he even remembers that we were once together.
Some people think it's cool (and somewhat freaky) to have such a good memory and to be able to remember so many things, but I honestly feel it's not as good as it seems. There are many things I am better off not remembering, but letting go of them seems almost impossible. They are laced into every part of my being, the memories run through my veins like blood.
There are just some things I'd rather forget, you know?
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Thursday, December 22, 2011
Halfboiled eggs
The other time when Honkei, Ezra and I went to watch ≪那些年，我们一起追的女孩≫ , we hung around the Bangla Park and Jurong Point because it was early and the movie was going to start at 9.35 PM. While Ezra perused the Christian books from Precious Thots, Honkei and I stood outside the shop waiting for him. We could see the shop on the floor below us, and the shop in question was Ya Kun Kaya Toast.
I was looking around, staring into space and just not paying attention to anything in general, when Honkei suddenly gave an exclamation and told me to look at the lady toasting the bread. Apparently, he went on to explain, she had dropped a piece of bread on the ground, but she picked it up and just continued toasting it. We watched in consternation as the toast flipped over and over on the grill and had kaya (or was it butter?) slathered on one of the sides. Finally, the lady placed two pieces together and set them on a plate. She put it on the counter top, where another waitress picked it up and served it to a couple in their fifties. We watched as the uncle picked up the Piece That Dropped On The Ground with his fingers. When the toast touched his lips, Honkei and I started howling in laughter and disapproval. We said we would never eat at this branch.
I just had butter & sugar toast, a cup of Milo and 2 half-boiled eggs from Jurong Point's Ya Kun Kaya Toast.
I was alone, I am alone now (on the bus). When I was eating just now, I was suddenly reminded of what Ben Chia told me a few days ago (and on a few other occasions as well). He said he thinks no one should ever have to eat alone (except for once in a while, when one really needs some alone time), that he feels sorry when he sees someone eating alone and that that "shouldn't be the way".
I guess that's the difference between an extrovert (Ben Chia) and an introvert (me). I guess plenty of people would find it unbelievable, and even laughable, that I'm an introvert. But that's just what I am even if it may not seem like it.
Digression: I love half-boiled eggs. If I had to pick 1 food to eat for my whole life, I think I might pick half-boiled eggs if only there was a way to eat them without the disgusting yolk.
I do enjoy time with myself. But I think, because I haven't been alone for such a long time, now it's a struggle getting used to being alone, spending time with myself and just letting my neurotic thoughts in my mind run amok on their own.
What is so bad about eating alone? Is there any bad in eating alone at all? If there is, I don't see it.
Have got to start enjoying my own company and stop feeling so alone, all alone.
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Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Dare not let myself feel things too much, for fear my sanity would tumble and come crashing down.
As a result, I am now listening to shallow but catchy songs like Like a G6 by Far East Movement. (When sober girls around me they be acting like they drunk)
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Saturday, December 17, 2011
谢谢你喜欢我
谢谢你喜欢我。
I have learnt so much from you, and I am sorry that I have hurt you again and again and again.
This isn't easy for me too and I feel I have lost someone important too.
Know that you will always have a special place in my heart.
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Thursday, December 15, 2011
I just woke up after a near-two hour nap but I don't feel particularly rested at all. Before I went to sleep my mind was in a whirl and I just wanted everything around me to stop for a minute and I had wished for myself to open my eyes feeling a zen sort of calm but no, it didn't happen. The worst thing is, I headed to bed mere minutes after my dinner, which means I am now probably fatter than I was before. My mind still feels swollen and when I didn't drift to consciousness from being asleep – the thoughts inundated my head the moment I was even slightly awake.
I have said before about how this semester has been crazy, how everything has been moving so fast. It still stands true. But today I realised how I couldn't possibly have gotten through this far without many of my classmates and group mates. When tomorrow ends and we go for our term break, I MUST tell them how much I appreciate their unwavering support thus far. Of course there are certain people who don't do much, certain people who are completely irresponsible and uncommitted. Everyone knows who I am talking about because I have been whining and bitching about these people (or maybe just this person) on a frequent basis. Again, I really have to thank my good classmates/group mates for putting up with me.
I had an ominous dream last night. I dreamt that we were having our MedSoc debate and I, unexpectedly, had to rebut against Farzana (everyone from my class would know the significance of this HAHAHA). But I wasn't there while Farzana made her debate speech, so they played a video of her making the speech. In the video, she had this headscarf on, the kind that housewives wear when they're doing housework around the house. She started sweeping off rubbish and food off a table top and recited her debate speech (which was rubbish and seemed to make no sense at all).
And it was strange, like a cutaway in a film, but then suddenly the debate turned into a dance battle and we all started dancing. We had to do a choreography from my Contemp Jazz class. When I mentioned this part to my classmate (can't remember who it was, Joyce or Joshua?), he/she said I must miss dancing too much, because I haven't been dancing since the start of this month.
The ironic thing was, my dream came true, the part about me having to rebut against Farzana. Her speech wasn't rubbish at all and no she did not sweep rubbish off a table top with a broom. I fared badly in my rebuttals today :(
I guess I have to learn how to handle disappointment better. And to stop thinking and analysing so much because sometimes it does me more harm than good. Right now I am truly confused with what is going on and I really don't know what to do. I think it is the first time in my life I have zero idea on what to do next.
Theo and Darren Koh both said the whole situation isn't stupid but I know it is.
After this, I'm guessing we won't be speaking for quite a while.
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Tuesday, December 13, 2011
What am I supposed to write about, honestly I don't know.
Trying out Ommwriter for the first time and it's supposed to help me not get distracted and not go on Facebook or Twitter or blogs or wherever else on the Internet. I have just (temporarily) deactivated my Facebook and Twitter last night and while it is the best decision I have done in a while, it's been tough to push away the thoughts of posting an update on Twitter or checking the news feed on Facebook. O social media, how you have ruined my life.
While I was laying in bed last night, it hit me again how social media is so deeply rooted in our lives now. Even now, I am experiencing the brunt of withdrawing from the social media scene. It's almost hard to imagine a time before Facebook and Twitter got popular, but it's good to know that those days did exist. I tried to think about what I used to do online before Facebook and Twitter entwined themselves in our lives and a few things came to my mind.
One of them was blogging. It is sad how our attention span has shortened by so much. I guess I'm pretty glad for this program because it does help writing and it does help to try and build back our capacity to concentrate. I really do love reading blogs, love reading what people write despite the grammatical errors and whatnot. When you think about it, I suppose Facebook and Twitter are just lazier versions of blogs. When you write a blog post, you are actually partaking in writing. Blogging requires much more effort because it encompasses writing (way more than the 140 characters allowed on Twitter) and photography (much more effort is required in posting photos on blogs than on Facebook).
Blog entries are seamless stories; but Facebook and Twitter updates are just fragments of thoughts we spew out at random times of the day. Sure, photos of events are posted on Facebook, but it's just not the same, you know? It's just not the same.
The mid-semester break is drawing nearer and I really do need this break. Over the past 2 weeks it almost seems like I have all but run out of steam.
I really miss the days of pre-Facebook/Twitter. Call me overly nostalgic or whatever, but I do. In those days we took to texting and MSN to talk to our friends. These days, hardly anyone uses MSN anymore and I don't know why. I stopped using it as often because other people don't use it as much anymore and also because it's not as easy to use on a MacBook. It fazes me how I could go on texting for a whole day in the past, how the topics never seemed to dry up like a dead stream – that isn't the way anymore. Texting is now somewhat of a hassle, I don't text people for very long unless I really want to. Texting with your phone under the table was an acquired skill too :-)
Also miss how people used to transfer files from one phone to the other via Bluetooth. Sigh, the days before 3G data plans....
I have so much to say but most of it cannot be said aloud. I am ashamed, too ashamed. This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass.
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Monday, December 12, 2011
This too shall pass
Everything's gonna be okay and I know it.
I just need to remember to stop being stupid.
This too shall pass.
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When I was younger, my mum would tell my siblings and I all these mythical theories and rules (you'd see what I mean later), of which one of them was this – she said that a person takes fifty thousand years to become a family member to whoever is in your family. I guess that doesn't really make sense, but her exact words were these: “能做兄弟姐妹，或者是父母儿女，是五万年一次修来的福气”
Being a conventional Chinese, my mother believes in reincarnation. I thought about it just now and realised that if, her theory is really true (when we were young she liked making up rubbish to shut us up so I'm kind of dubious), it's actually kind of saddening. What if in my next life, I don't cross paths with them anymore? And what's saddest of all is how we were once so close. Okay, I wouldn't say my family is that close but I'm pretty content with the way we are now.
How many lifetimes does it take to fill up fifty thousand years? Imagine not seeing your family for all those lifetimes. But when you're living those lives I guess you won't even know, because you're supposed to not remember things from your past lives.
A while back, after I re-read portions of The Host again, the topic of past lives had me really intrigued. Being a little narcissistic, I couldn't help but wonder who I was in my past life. Or am I a newborn soul living in my first life? Hahahaha
Some people say that the people whom you've met and instantly liked ("love at first sight" is an example, although personally I don't really believe in that) are people you've already known and were good with in your past life/lives, which is say in this life you feel an inexplicable sense of closeness or liking for or towards them. The same goes for people you've hated at first sight LOL.
Am tired from studying. Shall take a break.
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Saturday, December 10, 2011
你把我想得太好了
沈佳仪： 我怕你喜欢的那个我，不是真正的我。
柯景腾： 什么意思？
沈佳仪： 柯景腾，你真的喜欢我吗？
柯景腾： 喜欢啊，很喜欢啊。
沈佳仪：我总觉得你把我想得太好了，我根本没有你形容的那么好，也没有你想象中的那么好，你喜欢我，让我觉得很不好意思。
柯景腾： 啊？
沈佳仪： 我也有你不知道的一面啊，我在家里也会很邋遢，有时也会有起床气，有时也会因为一些小事就跟妹妹吵。我就是很……很普通啊！
柯景腾： 乱七八糟的，是看太多证严法师静思语的副作用么？
沈佳仪： 真的，你仔细想想，你喜欢我吗？
柯景腾： 喜欢啊。
沈佳仪： 你很幼稚耶，根本没有仔细想，来，仔细想。想想再说。
My favourite part of the whole movie. I think I relate to this part the best hahaha
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GIF Images Part 2
Labels: GIF Images
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Y1S2W8
As I have mentioned in my previous post, school has been eating up almost all of my time this past week. Over and done with Medsoc Common Test, and it's Marcomm next. I don't know what has happened but over the past week I've been feeling rather sluggish and lazy, maybe it's because the prospect of the 2 week break that's coming up. I can't wait to go to Hiroshima and have some of Obachan's onigiri.
My week went something like this:
Monday (5 Dec)
School as usual, thank God there's no IJ and S&W till next year.
Went to watch You Are the Apple of My Eye with Honkei and Ezra, it was pretty good. Shared a cab home, and the cabbie kept complaining about the upcoming taxi fare hike HAHA
Tuesday (6 Dec)
Dragged myself to school for the morning lecture.
Hardly paid attention during the lectures (bad, I know). After the lectures, Theo, Van and I went to digitize our raw footage and we realised that we had to do a whole bunch of retakes, which resulted in a reshoot that took place on Friday.
Wednesday (7 Dec)
Ms Lina cancelled the Marcomm lecture so that we would have time to study for our Medsoc CT :-) The test went okay but I don't know how well (or badly) I'm going to do.
Thursday (8 Dec)
A long day at school as usual – we had a consultation session with Ms Sonia in the morning for our upcoming Medsoc debate. Then half an hour of lunch, followed by the Photoshop/Dreamweaver test during Webgra which was SUPPOSED to be next week.
It was sort of a strange day because "the past, the to-be, and the current" (Phoebe would know what this means!) aligned themselves and came to me!!! It still feels strange.
There was Gracomm from 3 PM to 5 PM, and I didn't listen to, oh, maybe 90% of the whole lesson.
Friday (9 Dec)
Was a long day too, met up with Cheeyuan and Kenny a little over 8 AM at Choa Chu Kang MRT and we headed to De La Salle School for filming again. Filming concluded at maybe 1.30 PM, it was interesting because all the groups in our workshop class were doing shoots at the same location HAHA. Really have to be thankful that the uncle that helped us act as the security guard (he really is a security guard too) was there again yesterday :-) if he wasn't there, we would have a whole lot of shots to re-do.
Cabbed back to school with Vanessa, Michelle and Danial – Theo stayed behind to wait for Josh's group. Returned the equipment and had lunch at SIM with Vanessa and Michelle :-) t'was a fun but tiring day. LocVid workshop again after that, we learnt how to use lighting to illuminate or enhance a set. Actually I didn't really learn much because I was talking to Cassandra throughout most of the workshop LOLOL. We were showing each other Facebook profiles of various people we know.
When class ended, we started taking stupid pictures on Photobooth HAHAHA
I just realised that I can't remember much of what happened over the past week.
Should I do Vlogmas videos? :-)
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Tuesday, December 6, 2011
This semester has been rather trying and intense thus far.
Spent the past two (or three) days being irresponsible. I did it even though I knew I could not afford it and now I am paying the price.
Why do I cause myself such misery.
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Thursday, December 1, 2011
Post-prom
Video says it all.
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