Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Don't know what's wrong but something feels off and I don't feel quite right. Maybe it's because I'm too tired right now (and slightly creeped out by the Pokémon Black Hack story), but at this point in time it seems like bliss, like pain and all things else, is transitory and I'm back to feeling apathetic and indifferent again.
Almost feels like for the past few years, I've been going around in circles when it comes to my emotions. All this self-pity has to stop because it isn't doing me any good, but it's so much easier to just stay in a corner and lick my own wounds.
Again it comes to this (from You Are The Apple Of My Eye / 那些年，我們一起追的女孩):
沈佳仪： 我怕你喜欢的那个我，不是真正的我。
柯景腾： 什么意思？
沈佳仪： 柯景腾，你真的喜欢我吗？
柯景腾： 喜欢啊，很喜欢啊。
沈佳仪：我总觉得你把我想得太好了，我根本没有你形容的那么好，也没有你想象中的那么好，你喜欢我，让我觉得很不好意思。
柯景腾： 啊？
沈佳仪： 我也有你不知道的一面啊，我在家里也会很邋遢，有时也会有起床气，有时也会因为一些小事就跟妹妹吵。我就是很……很普通啊！
柯景腾： 乱七八糟的，是看太多证严法师静思语的副作用么？
沈佳仪： 真的，你仔细想想，你喜欢我吗？
柯景腾： 喜欢啊。
沈佳仪： 你很幼稚耶，根本没有仔细想，来，仔细想。想想再说。
There is going to be a sequel to 那些年, and while I look forward to it, I don't think it will be as good as the first one.
Also cannot wait for the The Summer I Turned Pretty movie to be released.
Don't even know what the hell is wrong.
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sonia from Jayesslee is engaged! Her fiancé seems like a good man.
Tomorrow, I will be going to pierce my ear. Again. The last time I did it was Sec 1, probably? Which was a good half-decade ago, wowwwww.
I forgot to play my ukulele today! OH NO!
I also realise that I have lost the ability to make up stories in my mind, and to pen these stories down. Simply put, I have probably lost my imagination. I cannot really pinpoint when exactly this started to occur, but the safest bet would probably be Sec 4. This is highly regrettable. I still remember the very first story I wrote when I was 7 – it took me about 2 years to write (but it was only 20 pages long?), and I just made things up as I went along. Now, it's almost as if I can't write if I don't have an end in mind. And more often that not, I'm too lazy to think of a whole storyline, so I end up not writing at all. I guess I need to be able to let the words in my mind spill on the page again, and then cultivate the habit of writing with an end in mind.
I hate how I realise the importance of a moment only when it's a figment of my imagination, or after it crosses that line in time and changes form into a memory.
Goodnight. Will write again soon.
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Sunday, February 26, 2012
Pokémon Update
Supposed to be meeting Ahkiat at 4.30 PM, but I have yet to even start preparing. I thought I should blog because I haven't wrote a substantial post in quite a while, so here I am.
I realise that whenever I am happy, it's hard for me to write because nothing comes out eloquently, and all this space that happiness takes up leaves none for inspiration. Yesterday I mentioned this to Theo and he said that as long as I write something, anything at all, it would be good enough. So here I am writing.
I was playing Pokémon Crystal just now, and in preparation for the one and only battle with Suicune, I went to buy 60 Great Balls. My brother took over and helped me play the game for a while and in the end, he used only 4 of the aforementioned Great Balls and managed to get Suicune to stay in. Now, with so many left, I'm just going to start using all these Great Balls to catch other random Pokémon. Eternally thankful to my brother for helping me catch Suicune.
At yesterday's class "chalet", I went with Dynn, Michelle, Davin and Aravin to buy alcohol. We took a bus over to Holiday Inn to get the booze (apparently, it costs way less over there) and while the others were choosing their liquor, Aravin and I sat outside and talked Pokémon. I don't know how/why, but he's incredibly lucky: he once got a shiny Raikou, a shiny starter and a whole bunch of other common shiny Pokémon. He didn't get all these in the same game, but still, to have encountered so many shiny Pokémon in his Pokémon gaming career is an amazing feat. Besides the usual red Gyrados one always sees in the Gen II games, I've only ever had one other shiny Pokémon – a purple Tentacool from Pokémon Sapphire, which is hardly glamorous at all.
The class "chalet" yesterday was kind of fun, but I guess I should write about it maybe later because I really am running late.
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Friday, February 24, 2012
McSpicy
Had McSpicy for dinner today ($2.90 only! From today till 29th February!), headed to Mayfair Park after dinner.
I'm a happy girl today.
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Friday, February 17, 2012
In the middle of MedSoc exam, while I was doing Question 3.2, I suddenly thought of baking cupcakes.
Also thought of Zoe and how she used to call Gary, eh, "Bulbasaur".
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Thursday, February 16, 2012
from Penzu
August 09, 2011
1.01 AM
Fried egg
It is National Day now and I am not ashamed to report that I do not feel the slightest sense of patriotism at all.
I
suddenly thought of the fried eggs we used to eat during breakfasts at
some hotels when we were young and on holiday. Usually Asian countries.
The eggs were not beaten up, they were fried as is and the edges would
always be brown and crispy. The eggs were never burnt. Sometimes the
yolk was cooked, sometimes it wasn't but that isn't the point because I
never eat the yolks anyway.
The egg whites were always
succulent and tasty in the way that only egg whites can taste. We would
sprinkle some sort of soy sauce over them, the brand name was Maggie or
something, I can't quite remember. The sauce always smelled delicious,
nothing like the soy sauce commonly used at home. We bought a few
bottles before but I can't remember when we stopped. Mum always said
they were a fraught full of MSG.
August 12, 2011
11.39 PM
Tired eyes
This semester is over - at long last! The arrival of this day has
made me a relieved (and happier) girl. It is not because I look forward
to the holidays (okay, maybe a little), but rather because I dread
school so, so much.
Finished all assignments today, and of
course this act comes along with feelings of satisfaction. Although I
always feel my work can be better in a few ways or many ways sometimes
during all the group projects, I'm still glad everything has finally
come to an end.
Just drank a packet of chocolate-flavoured Vitasoy and I am feeling a little sick.
Just
now in the shower I was thinking it is time to move on to books that
are more classic and like true literature instead of continuing to dwell
in the world of chick lit, biographies and YA/children's books. I will
always have a space for those books, I think, for as long as I live. In
fact, I feel a little put-out that I have to put some of them aside to
make more time for more "mature" books because my Sarah Dessens, Hunger
Games and Shopaholics always bring me such great enjoyment (despite
the frivolousness in some of them but that's what I enjoy). But perhaps
it is time to grow a little... Have a little more patience and tolerance
towards the tedious process of conquering adversity... Adversity which
manifests itself in the form of boredom in books.
Bought a
copy of "Atonement" by Ian McEwan months ago (maybe last year?) but
never got around to finishing it because it was such a struggle making
my way through it... I stopped before I even finished a chapter and I
had tried at least twice after my first attempt but it was all to no
avail. Very often, it is great books that take more effort to finish,
perhaps because you have to see deeper into the story and feel your way
around to get a grasp of things as you make your way through the book.
"The
Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky was one book of which I
struggled through laboriously but came to greatly enjoy in the end.
Each re-read further enhanced my understanding of the text.
Shall go to bed now, am so worn out by today's events.
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012
purge #1
(6.20 PM)
In the midst of studying for the MedSoc exam on Friday but I've got too many thoughts inundating my mind so I thought I would just, as Ernest Hemingway says to do, "sit at the typewriter and bleed". Well this isn't really a typewriter but whatever, the idea remains the same. Need to purge all these distractions to make some brain space for all the MedSoc information ("content regulation... community/public/commercial broadcasting" yadda yadda).
So Michelle tweeted a while ago, "Lush better not be playing mainstream shit now." In response to her friend's tweet (which concurred with her original tweet), she says, "I know right, if I wanted to listen to mainstream I'd have tuned into 987 or what not", "they're probably playing more mainstream to attract more listeners, but at the same time losing those that listen to what they originality played".
Okay I know going off on a tangent about this is pretty irate, but has MedSoc (as well as Radio Production last semester) taught you nothing, Michelle? I don't know if anyone remembers, but once when Mr Yoka started a discussion about radio stations in Singapore and Lush was brought up (by Michelle, LOL how ironic), he said that Lush is not doing very well, and there are probably all of 3 or 4 people in the team working for Lush... Which is a really miserable amount, just look at 987FM – the number of on-air presenters they have easily surpasses the whole team for Lush.
Of course they'd have to play mainstream music – if they don't start catering to more people, the station will shut down. I understand that Lush is pretty much for people who DON'T want to listen to mainstream music, but these people are few and far between and will not allow the station to have enough revenue to survive. If you know all this, then why are you still complaining? If they don't do this, the whole station would shut down.
Okay I'm not really angry even if I sounded like I was. I'm just exasperated at how stupid/shallow people can be sometimes.
On a side note, I am always frickin' irritated by people who say "I know right". Actually, not everyone – I'm just annoyed but those who say it in that pseudo-bimbo/act-angmoh tone, which pretty much means almost everyone who says "I know right". LOL that was a weird sentence. To be fair, there are some people who say it differently and makes it sound not too bad. I hate it when Singaporeans try to act angmoh: you are not American, can you please stop?
I'm supposed to meet Cheowyi and Colin tomorrow for dinner, but Colin couldn't make it at the last minute so I guess we're meeting next week instead, though I don't know if Cheowyi still wants to meet tomorrow. I kind of miss them both, Colin especially, because I've always felt this inexplicable sense of closeness to him. Maybe because I am supposed to be his "mother", hahaha.
This morning when I woke up I saw one of Shuwuen's tweets with a link to one of her Instagram photos. Apparently, she got into a fight with her mother and now has a scratch on her face (and some marks on her arms... Can't make out what those are and what type of assault caused them) to show for it. After I saw it, I took a screenshot and told Zhihao about it, "I thought she got into a fight with Shinan at first." I was really shocked at first because it felt like Shinan wasn't the type who would beat up a girl.
After realising it was because Shuwuen and her mum fought, Shuwuen has now locked her place as a goddamn volatile girl in my mind. I thought about that phone call a while back with Justin, where he told me to be myself and stop trying to please people who don't care and to be with those whom I care about/whom care about me. I am now pleased that I am not a friend of Shuwuen's HAHAHA, because I can now freely watch her without feeling bad about it. Her seemingly non-existent acknowledgement of my presence bugged me a bit in the past, but now I don't care. It is fun to stand by the sidelines and watch all the drama she causes in her own life, as mean as that sounds.
As angsty/bitchy/mean as this post sounds, my mood is really not at the low end of the scale.
(6.44 PM)
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012
So I haven't been blogging lately – have been insanely busy with school (okay not really, at least I still have time to spare to pore over celebrity and online gossip), with LocVid in particular. I've been neglecting my college applications and now the deadlines are catching up and I'm being all jittery and nervous again haha. Anyway, hi Janice if you are reading this LOL.
So filming for LocVid is finally over, I hope we don't have to reshoot – we cannot do a reshoot anyway, no time for it.
Life has been pretty damn fantastic lately.
Okay bye.
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Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sagittarius
This is extremely ironic, because I posted before about how I don't really believe in all the traits from the tweets of astrology accounts. But on a whim, I decided to search up "Sagittarius" on Twitter and strangely... The tweets from certain accounts are actually pretty accurate. For me at least! I didn't want to keep retweeting them so I decided to compile them into a list here.
@Sagittastrology
#Sagittarius hate being underestimated, but they love being able to prove you wrong :) (Especially hate being underestimated!)#Sagittarius wont hold a grudge, but if you fuck up too many times, they probably wont hold on to you either. (Refer to the whole Felicia saga LOL) - Don't think just because a
#Sagittarius forgave you, you're off the hook. You're still on probation for a little while.
#Sagittarius can easily see through people... so be genuine, or be gone.#Sagittarius have a hard time keeping their mouths shut when they dislike somebody. (Think stupid irresponsible moronic LocVid groupmate whose name I don't wanna type here who keeps turning up late for shoots and making sexual slurs and being just irritating in general and despite being told off, is STILL irritating)#Sagittarius hate to admit if somebody hurt them because they don't want the person to think they have power over them.- If
#Sagittarius feel like they are beginning to depend on somebody other than themselves, they may freak out and try to push you away
#Sagittarius don't want to HEAR that you are sorry. They want to SEE that you are sorry.- Once you hurt a
#Sagittarius, they will have a difficult time opening up to you again
#Sagittarius don't like when people drop hints instead of being straightforward. Tell them what you want straight up or you wont get it.#Sagittarius prefer to do things their way, even if that means doing it the hard way#Sagittarius can be a know-it-all sometimes, but just to be clear, they really do know it all. (HAHAHAHA I THINK THIS IS HILARIOUS)- There is no such thing as "in too deep" with
#Sagittarius. If they want to, they will find a way to dig themselves out
#Sagittarius may be turned off if they find out you thought you definitely had a shot with them (even if you actually did).- Even if you're on
#Sagittarius mind all the time, they might still refuse to call or text you first. (This happens all the time lol)
- Ignorance is never bliss for
#Sagittarius. Knowledge is power and they want to know it all!
- Most of the time
#Sagittarius aren't even flirting with you, they're just being friendly. Get over yourself.
#Sagittarius might love you but they still need the freedom to roam on their own every once in a while.- Don't want to help your
#Sagittarius? That's fine, they'll do it themselves... just don't try to take any credit for it.
#Sagittarius have a lot of pride but when they know they were wrong, they will apologize.- It doesn't take much for
#Sagittarius to consider you a friend, but it takes a shitload for them to consider you a true friend.
#Sagittarius will take it offensively if you call them predictable.
@TScpSagittarius
- A Sagittarius woman would rather spend her money than save it. (Sad but true, sigh)
@XSTROLOGY
- If you want smashed in your face truth, ask a
#Sagittarius.
Okay I don't know if anyone would bother to read all that.
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Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I'm on the bus now. It's the first time I'm typing a post on the bus, if you exclude using my phone haha. On the way to Bras Basah for Marcomm meeting.
Yesterday was a fantastic day, our Webgra final presentation went well, and then Theo and I stayed back after school to return the camera equipment from my house. After that, we went to digitize the tapes from Saturday's shoot.
All was pretty damn perfect (if you leave out the fact I was rather tired) until the interview for the upcoming freshmen bonding camp. Come to think of it, I don't even know why one needs to interview when you're applying for the logistics committee??? Hahahaha. I screwed up the interview and was feeling kind of bad about it. It didn't help that after we left the room, you have people like Dynn saying he answered "I'm Dynn," when asked what sort of FMS kid he was. Snarky? Sure. Arrogant? Perhaps. Confident? Absolutely. And/But that's what FMS loves.
Sometimes I don't even know why I'm in FMS.
But last night, Justin called me up out of the blue. Which is pretty amazing, I've actually been thinking about him lately because I need a favour from him hahaha but haven't looked him up. I'm really glad to hear he's doing well with his tutelage at the law firm. And hello Justin! I know you are reading this (or will read this eventually).
I went about on one of my usual diatribes, and of course went on to mention the interview. We talked for quite a while, and after we hung up, I felt infinitely better and yes Justin, thank God for you haha.
He also said he bumped into Felicia twice recently. Nowadays, when people mention Felicia, I don't know what to feel. Usually I feel apathetic. He told me that he talked to Felicia about me, and she said that she misses me too and she's scared that if we do anything now, our friendship might change irrevocably and the like.
Losing a friend is always something upsetting, and for me, the pain was amplified because she was my best friend. I went from hurt to sad to bitter to indifferent. I no longer know what to feel because I'm so used to being without her anymore. If there's anything I have learnt in the past year, it's that pain is transitory, that no matter how bad things are, they will always pass us by ("This too shall pass"). That everything happens for a reason.
If it were a few months back, I would have felt completely different. No matter how vehemently I denied it and however I said otherwise, I knew that I actually still cared about you and I actually missed you like mad (hahaha oh no I sound like a lesbian). But I was bitter, even though Brendan tried to convince me to just ask you out and pretend like nothing happened, I couldn't do it. Couldn't let my pride down. I didn't see why I should take a step forward when all you did for the past two years when we were still friends was remain at the very same spot.
The ghosts of this past are coming back to visit me again, I know them well like old friends. Only this time round, it's as if I'm seeing them through a glass window.
I am afraid that if we are friends again, the same thing would happen and I would have to deal with being hurt and depressed again.
Ahkiat (don't know if you're reading this lol you didn't accept the blog invite but hello Ahneng! I am writing about your cousin!) was the only person whom I was ever very close to, and then not, and now close to again. But it was only because he made the consistent effort to be friends with me again, I was convinced he wouldn't leave for no reason again haha.
I cannot trust you to do the same.
Okay I gotta get off the bus soon to get on the train, I'm reaching Dhoby Ghaut shabalabadingdon
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Monday, February 6, 2012
as pure as gold
The Adventure
Angels & Airwaves
I wanna have the same last dream again
The one where I wake up and I'm alive
Just as the four walls close me within
My eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know, my dearest friends
Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine.
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go, life's waiting to begin
Any type of love - it will be shown
Like every single tree reach for the sky
If you're gonna fall I'll let you know
That I will pick you up like you for I
I felt this thing I can't replace
Where everyone was working for this goal
Where all the children left without a trace
Only to come back, as pure as gold to recite this all
Hey oh, here I am
And here we go, life's waiting to begin
Tonight, hey oh, here I am,
And here we go, life's waiting to begin
Tonight, hey oh, here I am,
And here we go, life's waiting to begin
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me
Hey oh, here I am (do this with me)
And here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me)
Hey oh, here I am (do this with me)
And here we go, life's waiting to begin, life's waiting to begin
Miss my friends.
I was talking to Dao Lau the other time and he was trying to force The List out of me. I refused to tell him and only revealed fractions of it. Part of me didn't want to go on because he was on the list too. Now, this is going to be incredibly shameless but I'm going to leave The List down here, ONLY for remembrance's sake, NOT to boast or anything.
The List
1. Random N/T guy
2. Yeowyong
3. E, Fiona's ex-boyfriend
4. D from Shooting Club
5. Sweden
6. Mok-kun
7. Nic Choy
8. Creepy bus-chasing guy
9. "Everyone in Fuhua smokes" guy
10. BCTA
11. Javana Banana
12. D (the President) from Shooting Club
13. Dao Lau Zhihao (lololol)
14. The-one-now-attached-to-Irene
15. Royce Tan
16. That guy from scouts
17. The Bear
18. NGCMLFY
19. Joshua Lim (HAHAHAHA)
20. Delia (omg)
21. Amy Winehouse Cutter
22. Guan
23. G
24. Lazy dude with a car (pfffft)
25. The Flimsy Taekwondo Guy
26. 萝卜菜
Strange.Labels: Lyrics
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Saturday, February 4, 2012
Incredibles & Anastasia
LocVid, I swear, is turning out to the fucking most depressing module ever. I am losing my patience fast I am tired I am sleepy I don't even know why I'm doing this. After so much deliberate planning and finding solutions to the problems that were preventing us from going ahead with a shoot this weekend, we finally managed to squeeze in a slot for a half-day shoot tomorrow, only to have it cancelled because Michelle's mum refused the role at the last minute. I guess we booked out the equipment for nothing. I am worried we cannot finish filming I think we are screwed. At this point in time I don't know why I have Dash's (from The Incredibles) voice popping in my head, shouting, "We're dead! We're dead! We survived but we're dead!"
This is the one.
From the very start I guess today was bound to be a bad day. I didn't expect it of course and when I woke up in the morning, I was actually pretty glad because I had a glorious hot shower. Sure I slept at 3 AM the night before but being tired means nothing anymore, as the past week has proved to me. Accustomed to being tired, I managed to haul myself out of bed earlier than I needed to and I'm pretty glad about that. Headed to school and bought curry puff (refer previous post). Went for the balloting briefing with Theo, Sheryl and Davin – I was sitting next to Joyce as I wrote the previous post.
After the briefing (which lasted only half an hour), I went to have Ichiban Sushi at Clementi Mall with Phoebe, Vanessa, Cass and Michelle. It was probably one of the few good things that happened today because even that is destined to be problematic. When we got there we were a bit earlier and had to wait a while for the shop to open, which was not a big issue. But a lot of the items on the menu were unavailable (I don't know why), and Phoebe and Vanessa's shared order took forever to arrive, so they cancelled it in the end. On a side note, I'm really glad they're starting to play Surviving High School, because now I won't be the only one I know to actively play the game!
We went to buy KOI (I sat at the side) and I was surprised to see my sister's ex-boyfriend lolol he looked at me too, I wonder if he remembers me.
We headed back to school and I showed the guys the slides I did for Marcomm (aka reason I stayed up till 3 AM last night). Had LocVid discussion, it was screwed up. I don't know if people realise exactly how much left we have to shoot, and how little time. Theo sort of coerced Van into skipping church, and getting Jasper to skip church. Could tell she was none too pleased.
The only good thing about today was Waves 16, Strictly Dance Zone (SDZ)'s (Singapore Polytechnic's dance club) annual recital/concert of sorts. Watching people dance always inspires me, but from today's recital I could tell why people consider NRA as the best dance club amongst all the polytechnics in Singapore. Not that I would have much basis for comparison, seeing that I've only ever watched NRA and SDZ perform, but I think most if not all people would concur that NRA is definitely the better of the two. One thing I liked about Waves 16, though, was how there was more Contemp and Bboy compared to what you would usually see at a dance concert these days. Contemp is not a very popular type of dance and Bboy, while increasingly popular, is harder to learn than other dances and mostly only guys learn it. So I was pleasantly surprised to see so much Contemp and Bboying – perhaps because Ryan (from O School) was the principal choreographer for this concert?
I honestly think there is not one genre I hate in dance. Even waacking, which I don't particularly take to. When done well, all the dances actually look really cool. Ziqi is starting to take an interest in Contemp and I told her I'd teach her the basics and we could go for Open Classes together :-) I'm going to learn some basic Bboy footwork.
Thinking about dance is putting me in a better mood already.
Just now when I was walking home from dinner at the food centre, I could tell that I'm about to slump into one of those mid-adolescence crises that I get once in a while. No, make that once in many whiles haha. These days I've been a terrible person and again I find I'm losing control over all too many things. I hate uncertainty – it scares me to death and makes me feel too vulnerable. I can't even be damned to talk about this. I wish I could be a better person, nicer, kinder, wittier, more magnanimous; anything and anyone is better than who I am now. I wish I wasn't so cynical, I wish I could hold my tongue the way I did in the past, I wish I wasn't so mean.
This is Anastasia snapping at Dmitri.
I am going to indulge in my own misery.
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Friday, February 3, 2012
Sitting in the lecture theatre now half-listening to the IS module election talk I'm so pleased because I had my weekly curry puff.
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Thursday, February 2, 2012
Went for Anan's class for the very first time today, did a really short choreography to T-Pain's Bottlez. I am so not accustomed to Hiphop, the attitude and swagger it requires – my mind has been fine-tuned to accents and drags in Street Jazz hahaha. I couldn't catch up at all in Anan's class, and it didn't help that a) there were so many people, b) Ziqi and I were standing at the back of the class, and c) Anan was so short we couldn't see her when she was in front. Also, Anan messed up the counting a bit so there was quite a bit of confusion in class.
Usually, if I were in Fredy's class, I would have given up and not tried so hard. I guess it was a good thing that Anan's class was so crowded that I couldn't even see myself in the mirror – it made me just dance without too many reservations, which is good since I'm working towards dancing without anything holding me back at all. I tried my best to dance as well as I could and as we were ending the class, I realised that I actually do like the choreography! :) It is pretty fun. Ziqi could do the choreography pretty well - she has been well-trained by NRA hehe.
Hopped over to Fredy's class after Anan's one ended. Fredy's choreography today (Cockiness by Rihanna) was faster than usual but the steps were actually pretty simple. It was fun. I loved it :-) I could remember the steps, I am FINALLY not so distracted by the other pro dancers in class, and managed to look at myself in the mirror to validate my steps.
K Medsoc test tomorrow
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Wednesday, February 1, 2012
things I wanted to give you but never did
Wednesday, 15 September, 2010
things I wanted to give you
I had many things I wanted to give you, things that I bought for you.
I picked out those things with much deliberation and handled them with
delicate care. Anything that is related to you seemed that much more
fragile, like I had to cup them with my hands and be careful not to crush them.
I
am not good at buying gifts, most of the time I don't know what to buy
for people. The day I bought that present for you, I took so long to
choose it. I ran back all flustered and late for the umpteenth time as
we gathered at the meeting point. It made some people cross with me.
When I asked for my friend's opinion on what I should buy, I even had to
swiftly spin up some lies to cover my tracks. Lies are not too easy
or too difficult to make, but they are difficult to maintain, reflects
badly on your morals and all that. Everyone lies, maybe people lie
everyday, lie without even realising it, but the fact remains that it is
bad. As I gave a nervous laugh and randomly blurted out the first name of a female
friend that popped into my mind after my friend asked me who I was buying
for the gift for, I was absolutely and entirely aware of
the fact that I was lying. And I was willing to do that for you, and so
much more.
You gave me many things in return, and you
also gave me many things that I didn't even ask for. I never expected
you would adore someone like me, it puzzled me how someone could be so
fascinated and intrigued and deeply enchanted by a Plain Jane like me, a
normal, nothing-special girl. Knowing I had a place in your heart made
me feel special.
I take what I have for granted, I'd admit. It takes me long for me to gain sight and see - really
see - what it is that I have. If there's anything I would say, that
would be that I never doubted your ardor - it was in what quantity it
came in that I pondered over and doubted. And it took me long enough to
realise the answer - that it was immeasurable.
Someone told me, "He loved you like bananas," and I'd retorted, "Bananas will rot eventually."
The
person sighed and shook his head (at least this was what I thought he
was doing in my imagination), as if to say sagely, "How foolish of you."
When
I finally gained sight to see what I had in my hands, it slipped out of
my fingers, like sand sliding off and wisping through the air towards
the ground. As I tightened my fists to grab it, I blinked my eyes open to a brand new sight - to see what was already gone.
Things have changed so much, haven't they?
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Summer & Tom & Mackenzie
Supposed to be filling up some forms on CommonApp but oh well here I am again.
I think I have changed so much over the past couple of years, so much so that if my 12 year old self could see me now, she would be horrified hahaha.
I really want to watch (500) Days of Summer again soon. From the very beginning when I toyed with the idea of starting a collection of my favourite movies and albums, (500) Days of Summer went on the list immediately. I've been thinking a lot about Summer (the character, not the season) lately. And Tom as well.
Here is one scene I remember best:
McKenzie: [drunk] So do you have a boyfriend?
Summer: No.
McKenzie: Why not?
Summer: Because I don’t want one.
McKenzie: Come on; I don’t believe that.
Summer: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?
McKenzie: Are you a lesbian?
Summer: [laughing] No I’m not a lesbian. I
just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually
feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.
McKenzie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Summer: Really?
McKenzie: Nope.
Summer: Ok, let me break it down for you–
McKenzie: Break it down!
Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think
relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it?
We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world;
might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for
later.
McKenzie: You’re a dude. [to Tom] She’s a dude!
Tom: Ok but wait–wait. What happens, if you fall in love?
[she scoffs]
Tom: What?
Summer: You don’t believe that, do you?
Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.
At the end, after Summer and Tom breaks up, they bump into each other again at Tom's favourite spot in the city. Tom finds out that Summer is engaged. The conversation ends like this:
Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.
And I could remember it all, how Zooey Deschanel (Summer) looked in that frame/shot, how she looked at Tom with a wry but serious look.
I hope one day I'd be able to find the person who would make me wake up one morning and "just know", to know what I was "never sure of with" all the other people I've been. But when is that going to happen?
I am currently in the "I, like being on my own. I think
relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it?
We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world;
might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for
later" stage. Whoa that was a long sentence.
Everyone who has had their heart broken should watch (500) Days of Summer. Everyone who has had their heart broken would be able to relate to it.
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