Sunday, September 30, 2012
so I went to a party
And I got slightly tipsy. But it's ok, I still returned to our dorm with the ability to walk in a straight line, sort of. I side stepped a little bit sometimes but I'd told the girls, "But I can control my thoughts!" But then they told me, "You don't understand! That's not what it means to be tipsy."
We went back to our dorm and Ginger Hannah made some mac and cheese and gave me half her share. I took a shower and now I'm eating mee goreng.
Dancing was fun, but what's so fun about partying, really?
We went to Theta Chi (pronounced data-kai), and then The Pink House, and finally The Octagon, where we got beer, vodka shots and jello-shots respectively. Just as we left The Octagon, Campus Security came up to the house, so thank God we got out of there at the right time.
Saw Emily Graves with Ji-hee, and, well, I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel. But I still don't really like Emily Graves.
I am I am I am.
----------------------------
|
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Why am I so stupid - Installment #1
Dammit!!!!!!
I forgot to go in for work this morning! Why am I so stupid!
This happened despite having my timetable as my phone wallpaper. T____T
And when I woke up at 9 AM this morning I was still rolling around in the warmth of my covers. I hope my supervisors don't think I'm totally useless now :(
In other news – FS is a chore! Why did I pick an Environmental Science class as my FS. I only have myself to blame. I should have picked English or something :(
Post-note: Okay supervisor just emailed me and said it's ok but I should have informed them in advance that my class was shifted forward (ahem yes I lied). Why am I so stupid!!!!! In fact I just whispered out loud to myself – "Why am I so fucking stupid?!"Labels: Why Am I So Stupid
----------------------------
|
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
let's go, putas
Subject: Are you procrastinating right now?
From: Allegheny Orientation [learningcommons@allegheny.edu]
To: Me [limh2@allegheny.edu]
9:29 AM (32 minutes ago)
Hi Hui En,
Did we get your attention? Now that we're into the fifth week of the semester, many students are starting to realize that they need to adjust their study habits.
Help is on the way! TONIGHT at 8:00pm in Shafer Auditorium, Ed Giles from the Learning Commons will give a presentation titled "Success: What Does It Take?" The presentation will include important information about how to manage your time, avoid procrastination, and connect with the resources that will help you earn the grades you want.
Set your phone to silent and plan to be there at 8:00pm!
The "I Heart Meadville" Picnic is tomorrow!
The weather today might be dreary, but tomorrow you should plan to attend the annual "I Heart Meadville" Picnic from 12:30 to 2:00pm on Brooks Walk.
We have invited local businesses and restaurants to share the best of what Meadville has to offer with you. Come enjoy the fun (and free stuff)!
We hope to see you there, and let us know if you have any questions!
The Learning Commons Staff
learningcommons@allegheny.edu
(814) 332-2898
---
Lol this e-mail sums up what I meant to write about. I have been so busy of late, I've got three papers due this week and I think for the past three nights I stayed up till like 2 AM to get my work done. Worst of all, I know the work I produced is only of mediocre quality, sigh how to get 4.0 GPA like that. Staying up till 2 AM is definitely not a big deal by FMS standards though so in that sense I'm glad FMS has trained me to survive and function with little sleep. It only struck me recently that I shouldn't put things off till the day before it's due and rush to finish all of it at once – I should break them up into chunks and study a little day by day. As fundamental as this may seem, I only realized it recently. All through my life, I never liked to start on things because I didn't like the idea of not completing everything in one session. I hated the idea that after one round of studying or doing work, you would still have stuff to do and you would still have to study again, which is why I always try to finish everything in one go. I'm trying to change my mindset now though :/
Also, it's been a torrential shower here (ok, not that dramatic). The peak of fall is definitely well on its way and I'm so thankful for my umbrella. Without an umbrella, you cannot survive here – you simply can't. It beats a raincoat because when you wear a raincoat your shoes and jeans get drenched anyway. I really want some nice rain boots but haven't gotten round to buying them because I want to save money lol but I bought a pair of fall/winter boots though, cos I can't keep wearing my sneakers around all the time. My umbrella is pink, orange and red, and it has this button which, when pressed, whips the umbrella open. I love it cos it gives me a sense of coolness, kind of like how you would feel when you're receiving a call on a clamshell phone and you flip it open to answer it  and I keep thinking gleefully to myself, "And it only cost me five dollars!" (Or six dollars in Singapore dollars)
Okay I have to go for Women's Studies class soon /sigh my least favorite class, although now I don't hate it anymore.
Hall updates:
- Flu has been going around our hall since two weeks ago, but now everyone seems to be getting better. It is speculated that Seawall and Natasha are conveyors of the flu because the former got intoxicated at that party weeks ago and made out with a bunch of people, and the latter is a female player and has conquered many guys since coming here. According to someone I don't remember (was it Michelle or Ginger Hannah?), "She [Natasha]'s made out with like, what, 10 guys since coming here?"
- In a bid to redeem herself and ameliorate the dire state of her reputation, Seawall has been going around into people's rooms a lot to try and be sociable. There was this period of time this week and last week where she blasted loud, emo country music for days on end. That is fine by me, except she leaves her door open. Which is freaking annoying, hello people are trying to study!!!!!! And I couldn't shut my room door cos the heater was working on overdrive, so we had to let in some cool air from the outside.
- Several boys from the floor below mine are in a competition for Ava (my RA)'s love. Ava is my favorite RA, I even wanted to write a post titled "Ava is my idol". On top of being sociable and quite pretty, she's extremely nice and friendly and the other day her name appeared on this list that details the people who have a GPA of 3.80 and above. I also went into her room the other day to ask for gauze for my elbow graze. Her room is extremely neat and tastefully decorated and puts my desk (which was horrifically messy, though I have since neatened it up a little bit) to shame.
- Last Saturday night I was supposed to go to a party with people from my hall but circumstances made it so that we didn't get to a party after all. It's okay, there's always this week.
- Thomas (we call him toh-mah-s), apparently, won the lottery yesterday. When I asked somebody else about it, she said, "Really? Are you sure? Maybe he just won like, two dollars or something."
- Have been having dinner with Michelle and Shaun for the past two days. We had our dinner yesterday at Brooks and we exchanged knowledge of swear words in different languages. I learnt 'puta', or bitch/whore/fuck (as you can see, it's a pretty universal term) in Spanish. Taught them 'chao cheebye' (although I don't use it at all) and laughed when they tried to pronounce it, they enunciated it with their accents. When they asked what it means, I said, "Um. Smelly vagina," and we all burst into laughter.
- I think Seawall got her stuff stolen, because when I got back just now and Ginger Hannah was leaving our room she said, "Oh good you're back. Remember to lock the door, she got her stuff stolen," and then I looked over and saw Seawall talking to Serafina. When I next walked by her room to get to the bathroom, she was talking to Ava and I heard fragments of their conversation – "Don't understand... Jewelry... Why would they wanna steal it... It was like a silver ring... When I get back I usually take my jewelry off..." Well serves you right for not locking your own door then! Maybe people got annoyed with you for blasting country music all the time. But I do feel bad for her though, I don't know why people would stoop so low to go into other people's dorm rooms to steal stuff. And it's probably someone from our hall, since only people living here can get inside because our ID cards give us access, though it's also easy to just smuggle your way in.
Oh God I'm so tired.
----------------------------
|
Sunday, September 23, 2012
On days like these I hate the world.
I wish I had someone here for me.
----------------------------
|
Question that has welded itself onto me for the day – "Who the fuck is David?"
Finally, at 2.23 AM, the answer no longer eludes me.
----------------------------
|
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Note: This is a record of all the blogs I have and is thus an extremely long post. Do not read cos it would probably be boring to you.
July usually passes me by as an uneventful month – no one particularly important to me has his or her birthday on this month, it's just another month in the middle of the school year, and no major holidays mark any of the 31 days on this month too. So it's not difficult to forget that July is the month I started my very first blog, back in 2005 when I was still 9-going-10 years old.
I still find it quite amazing how I started blogging since I was so young, and back then it was just early days when people began to get broadband. I remember talking to Annabel (teacher's pet) over MSN in P4 or 5 one night, and how she proudly boasted about the new broadband her family got. I think at that point in time, my family still used dial-up.
I have always felt guilty over and bemoaned the fact that I never consistently kept a diary/journal. Q&As of established writers I loved impressed upon me the prevalence of writing: all these writers have kept a journal since their childhood days, or else they would write extensively about anything throughout the course of their lives. Anne Frank, though not exactly a writer, is most known for her diary, which shot her to posthumous fame. She also wrote short stories during her time in the Annex.
What, then, was wrong with me? I never felt like I could keep a diary or journal for long. Before I left for US, I packed the contents of my room into boxes and found that I had stacks of notebooks (mostly spiral Primero notebooks because I loved, and still love them), almost all half-used. Some were only a few pages filled in. I could never see through to the last page of the notebook, ever.
And my blogging pattern reflects this too. I spent the past hour compiling a list of my blogs, and the purple post-it note in front of me tells me that presently, I have 14 blogs in cyberspace. Why can't I just settle down on one blog and stick to it? But I tire of a blog URL easily (as stupid as a reason this is). I kind of like the list of URLs I have in front of me. It's almost like each blog is a chapter of my life, every single one of them a volume of sorts.
So then I realized that maybe I'm not so bad after all. I've been writing, but just not on paper. Which, when you think about it, is not such a bad thing right? In this age, it's perfectly normal to do things on the computer, online, instead of on paper like the old days.
Unfortunately though, as I grew older and grew more into myself, blogging has developed a kind of narcissism that isn't quite pretty. To begin with, I am a pretty self-absorbed person because I want to figure out who I am. Someone once told me that he feels I have to know exactly who I am, and he's right. Although I know I don't have to do that, but I still do it anyway. It's too deeply rooted in me, it's like if I don't understand myself, then consequently, I can't understand the world.
The other thing is, I like to read my old posts so I can track how, and how much I've changed, and attempt to figure out what caused these changes. Nostalgia is bittersweet, a sensation I cannot resist. The past is fixed and that comforts me, there's a beauty in the safety of it all, it makes me feel like I'm wading in a pool of clouds on a summer day. (I know this metaphor is strange but that's the image that came to my mind.)
But because I only write about myself, I have killed my own opportunities in letting my imagination fly. When was the last time I thought of a story plot completely original? I think I had some ideas from my dreams last year, and although I wrote them down in my thought book, I never really developed them. I think the last time I daydreamed and came up with something was really 2007 or 2008.
For record's sake, just so I won't forget, I am going to make a list of all my blogs online so that sometime soon I can go back and save all my posts.
I was conflicted on how to organize this list – by blogging platform, or chronological order? In the end I decided on the former as an organizational method because I sometimes leave my blog untended for months (or years), only to randomly post once or twice again after this hiatus.
BLOGGER
Page: youleavefirst.blogspot.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Jul 2005, Nov 2007 [2]
Description: My very first blog, think the URL was actually something lame like "rainbowmiracle" or something like that HAHAHA. But after posting once I forgot my password, or maybe I was having problem the technical side of Blogger so I dumped this blog and ended up creating a new one. I think it's also probable that I forgot about this blog entirely and ending up creating my other blog, which would last me nearly 5 years and be known as my official "first blog"… That is, until I discovered this one. After rediscovering the existence of this blog (in Sec 1), I changed the URL to something less childish and began to use this as a spare blog for me to test my new blog templates.
Page: countingsummers.blogspot.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Jul 2005 - Feb 2010 [1059]
Description: The blog I wrote in for the longest time, and also the blog I am most proud of. This is officially my very first blog and has for most part of its activity been public. Because of that, some of the posts are incredibly cryptic (I didn't want people to know who/what I was writing about), with just enough clues for me to know what I was writing about… Or so I thought. Today, when I read back, I can no longer remember the reasons for my anger/sadness/happiness in some posts. I kind of think this was the blog most people knew me by in secondary school, well back in the days when people blogged actively anyway. People would tell me they liked reading my blog, and that would make me happy. Also posted pictures of events that happened in school, or when I went out with friends. It was also because of this blog that I wanted to get a camera, so in June 2008 my parents bought me my first digital camera.
However, this blog is no exception to my URL-changing tendencies. The very first URL it held was "miracurlstar" (lame, but I thought of this in P5 so that should explain why. I was interested with the wordplay of the words "miracle" and "curl", I thought "curl" gave "miracle" a nice kick to it LOL). From there it morphed into "mocha-" (when I first started drinking mocha in P6!), "alley-neko.jp.tp" (when I first found out how to host your blog on an alternative domain and thus have a cooler domain name), "bakashoujo-" (in the height of my anime fandom), "jap-curry", "the-adage", "seraphicaltears" (don't even know how I came up with this, probably was trying to act cool or something), "gunslinger-x" (I found the anime Gungslinger Girl cool back then), "filmrecord", "countingtulips" (<-- I think this was it? At least, something to do with tulips) and "countingsummers". There are probably a ton other names I can't remember.
Page: lettersto-nobody.blogspot.com
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: Jun 2006 - Nov 2008, Mar 2009 [99]
Description: This was my first private blog from P6. In the past, Blogger didn't provide the option of having a locked blog, so I administered a Javascript password code (which was all the rage back then) into my template and gave a few people the password. It covers my transition from primary school to secondary school, and has a few months in between where I didn't post at all. The contents were written when I was horribly upset and wanted to write in detail about what happened, but couldn't do so on my public blog. At points in time various people had access to this blog (Ruth, Jocelyn, Dewi, Zhixian, Darryl, Kelila to name some, I'm not sure if there are anymore but there could have been a few more), although as I drifted apart from them I would remove their access to this blog LOL. This blog is funny because I went from childish (P6) to emo and melodramatic (Sec 1-2). Its very first URL name was actually "purebliss--", and subsequently I changed it a few times. Towards the end, I derived "lettersto-nobody" because nobody was reading that blog anymore, so all my posts were, literally, letters to nobody.
Page: hearthologram.blogspot.com
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: Apr 2007 - Jan 2008 [62]
Description: Not a Blogger blog per se – it contains posts from the online journal platform Fuhua provided us for schoolwork back then (fhss.commontown.net). Because I was going to graduate, I moved all the posts to Blogger for remembrance's sake, lest they delete my account (but wtf, I just checked and they actually didn't delete my account HAHAHAHAHA). On top of posting schoolwork, I had a few emo posts there too cos, um, I love emo-ing too much wtf. I cringe when I read these posts because I was so dramatic and emotional back then.
Page: 7thperson.blogspot.com
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: Jan - Mar 2008, Jul 2008, Oct 2008 - Apr 2009, Jun 2009 [33]
Description: Random blog I set up in my euphoria of being accepted into Prefects lol. It was initially "marshmallowmurder", and had an incredibly text box and very small font to match. It was public at first, supposed to be a second blog to my public one then but eventually I got lazy maintaing two blogs and posted there less. When people stopped reading that blog I posted some private stuff. Now, it's private too because I cringe at my juvenility. Changed the URL to "7thperson" because I had an obsession with 7 then, and 7 was a nickname for Zhihao WTF.
Page: shutupbook.blogspot.com
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: May - Aug 2009, Jan 2011 [6]
Description: Most of the six posts in this blog are extremely lengthy. This is because this blog was set up private to begin with, and for the sole purpose of detailing down all the drama that happened in my second and third year of secondary school. I guess each post was supposed to be a short story of sorts, writing about a particular incident. I wanted to blog about all the things that happened, and I labelled each post with all the names of the people mentioned. This was so that I could click on someone's name and see when they appeared in my school life. But it takes forever to write about one incident because I digress a lot and I want to get every single detail down, so eventually I stopped posting on this blog (was too lazy).
Page: 123hagao.blogspot.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Nov 2009 - Jan 2010 [25]
Description: When I created this blog, "countingsummers" was locked and private. 123hagao came into existence after the Hong Kong CIP trip - I used it to post about the trip and put the pictures up. Subsequently I went to Penang with Art Action, and also posted while I was in Penang. Closed the blog when Sec 4 year opened cos I was too emo.
Page: 498daysofsummer.blogspot.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Sep - Oct 2010 [20]
Description: I was using Tumblr (refer to: "snorlaxthefat") at this point in time (I can't remember what), but I missed Blogger a lot so I created this blog. This blog was semi-private, like it was always open to public but I never told many people the URL, cos I was still too emo and I didn't want people to judge me. In fact, I think I only told Edmund and /cough my ex-boyfriend. I used fake angmoh names to disguise the identity of people I wrote about in part to act cool, and also to maintain some anonymity.
Page: heartrecord.blogspot.com
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: Sep 2011 - [-]
Description: And here we have this blog now HAHAHA. This blog came after my stint in Wordpress and I returned to Blogger cos I missed it too much. This blog has been around for a year now, I'm actually quite surprised I managed to keep to this for so long because since the start of Sec 4 I have mostly been skipping around the cyberspace.
Page: snoringmermaid.blogspot.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Aug 2012 - [-]
Description: Set up this blog after I got to US! Mostly just to write about what I do in US, and utilized as a photo dump. Derived the blog name from, erm, when I badly wanted to be a mermaid and also cos I snore.
OTHERS
Page: roycebox.livejournal.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Dec 2007 - Feb 2008 [32]
Description: "This blog was created out of the randomness" - the first sentence of the first post of this blog. The real reason was because I found out my mom was reading my main blog LOL so I created another one. I think it was my first ever foray out of Blogger, and I picked Livejournal because it was so popular then, around that period of time people were beginning to use it a lot for blogshops. Now that I'm reading it wtf I was so lame. But I thought I was okay then what if I look back when I'm older and find that my 17 year old self is lame too!!! When am I going to grow out of my lameness sigh.
Page: xanga.com/nanopeach
Status: Private
Dates/Total Posts: Sep 2008 - Jul 2009, Nov 2009 [59]
Description: Originally this blog was public but really really soon after opening it, I made it private. I think only Felicia could read it then? But after a while I changed the URL too. Xanga is actually the first ever blogging platform I was introduced to - I first got graphics and puffs (if you know what this is I salute you) from this girl's Xanga - mimisk8 hahaha. She was really popular then! mimisk8, that is. On this blog details sordid details of two crushes (one of which resulted in a relationship haha) I had over the span of my time here wtf.
Page: snorlaxthefat.tumblr.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Mar - Sep 2010 [61]
Description: I remember this blog! Particularly because I hold such fond feelings for it, I don't even know why! I think because I was Sec 4 then. It was originally "residentemo", which Kenny commented was too emo and encouraged me to change. I did change it eventually (but not because he said it was emo, I think I got sick of the URL). A very cryptic blog, contains rants about my frustrations in Sec 4 and how upset I was with everyone being against me or something. I tried my best not to have too many reflags.
Page: thegiantdrop.wordpress.com
Status: Public
Dates/Total Posts: Nov 2010 - Sep 2011 [45]
Description: Wanted to move away and try a new platform, so I went on Wordpress. This one came after "498daysofsummer" on Blogger and was about my life from O'levels to the holidays after my first semester in poly.
----------------------------
|
Friday, September 21, 2012
the view outside the park
As I write this post (from my phone), I am sitting on the steps outside a baptist church by the main park in my college's town. My eyes are a little swollen from crying and my nose is running cos I don't have enough napkins to blow my nose out.
Evidently, I have been crying. But only for the past 15 minutes or so.
I don't even know why I'm crying, especially over something so miniscule and ridiculous.
I went to the orthodontist to get a new set of retainers done because mine are cracking. I made my way there in a merry mood, although I got a little miffed cos the roads were confusing and I couldn't find the office.
After calling the office and receiving directions from the receptionist (whom, I might add, is way friendlier than the one who conversed with me over the phone when I made the appointment 2 weeks back), I managed to find the office. I stepped in and the friendly receptionist (Brenda) smiled at me and said, "You made it!" I was happy cos she was friendly.
After registering my name, the assistant to the dentist brought me in and looked at my teeth. We talked a bit about retainers and I discovered that the price for a whole new set of retainers is a fucking US$350. In the end I opted to make a set just for my lower row of teeth so next Tuesday I have to pay US$175. Because my sister is going to kill me if she knows this is how expensive it is, I'm going to lie and say it's just US$100 and pay the remaining US$75 on my own. That's like a week's worth of my pay for my on-campus job sigh.
Anyway, so the assistant set the mold into my teeth twice but the results weren't satisfactory, so she got someone else to try and do it instead. So this blonde bitch comes over and thrusts this plastic container holding the plaster in my mouth and my eyes immediately begin to water. I thought she was going to relinquish some strength after a while but she didn't.
"Does that hurt?" Tears fill up my vision.
"Sorry," she says this dismissively and presses down even harder.
After half a minute of torture she brusquely pulls the apparatus out of my mouth and I bolt upright and rinse my mouth. I desperately try to stop crying, hastily mopping away stray tears leaking out of my eyes but it's as though the physical pain triggered something in me and I can't stop tearing. I follow the first assistant out to the reception, she tries to talk to me a bit about what I'm going to major in and I manage to reply, but my tone betrays me and it was obvious I was going to cry.
At the counter, she asks, "Did we hurt you? I'm sorry, hun," I gave a laugh and said it's fine but still sounded like I was going to cry. The receptionist offered me napkins, of which I took two, and although I wanted to leave I got distracted by a quiz about Finding Nemo on the counter. The receptionist encourages me to do it, so I try to get the answers right but I can't think. I'm on the verge of full-out crying.
The moment I stumbled out of the office, tears started to stream down my cheeks and I looked around in panic to try to find somewhere I could sit and cry. It was strange, it was one of those moments I knew I would definitely cry no matter how much I tried to stop myself.
So I found a park bench, planted myself there and cried. But people kept looking and I was running out of napkins so I went to the baptist church only to find the doors were locked. Now I'm just sitting here heaving and whimpering (okay not really, I have actually calmed down a while after I began writing this post).
----------------------------
|
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
You can take something away from someone, but in return you always leave something behind with them.
----------------------------
|
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Quagga Mussels
"
Quagga Mussels
Decades ago, the water quality of the Great Lakes was in a drastic state. Contamination was so severe, the surface of Cuyahoga River caught fire, and environmental measures to clean up the lakes came in place. Lake Erie, although the shallowest of all the Great Lakes, took decades to recover. However, Lake Erie now faces a new threat in the form of an invasive species - the quagga mussel.
The quagga mussel was first discovered in Lake Erie in September 1989, and is now distributed throughout all five Great Lakes. Dominating the Eastern basin of Lake Erie, quagga mussels are prodigious water filterers. They remove large amounts of phytoplankton and suspended particulate, taking away the food source of the zooplankton. The proliferation of the quagga mussel in the ecosystem has resulted in a momentous change of the food web. Its presence has affected water clarity, changed pH levels, possibly caused dead zones in Lake Erie and colonized water intake structures.
The long-term effects quagga mussels have on Lake Erie’s ecosystem stability are still undetermined due to the size and complexity of the Lake Erie system. Notwithstanding the situation, quagga mussels have nonetheless greatly altered the stability landscape of Lake Erie."
What are quagga mussels? Why am I studying this again? Hahahah can't believe I wrote that piece of drivel up there without even knowing what quagga mussels are. And this is just the summary to a full-fledged paper we have to submit in a few weeks oh no
----------------------------
|
Monday, September 17, 2012
welfare states
We were having an in-class debate in PoliSci class just now and I swear to God I wanted to slap people.
I didn't say a single thing during the debate, just smiled meekly throughout, but inside I was, at points, furious. It didn't help that most of the people on my 'dislike list' for the class was on the opposing team.
Digressing a little – I get pissed at some people because of their quirks or just for things in general they do that irk me. So one day when I was bored in class I made a chart categorizing people from my different classes into the groups "Nice", "Strange" and "Idiots".
So during the debate just now, two out of three members under the "Idiots" category for my Political Science class were in the opposing team.
One of them was this girl, she reminds me of Snooki from Jersey Shore. I think that's a strong image to convoke in my mind, considering the fact that my only brush with Jersey Shore was when I watched like 5 minutes of an episode while I was on a plane. For those of you unacquainted with Snooki and therefore how this girl looks like, I shall describe to you how she looks. Think tanned skin, very tanned for an angmoh and unnaturally raven black hair which is curled (angmohs can never have full-on black hair like Asians do unless they dye it). She wears heavy makeup, cleavage showing tops and an air of pomposity and arrogance. Her favorite activities include eye-rolling (I suspect she can't control her eyeballs), and constant punctuation of her sentences with the terms "like", "I don't know", "I mean like".
The other one is this guy who always sits in front of me in class, although for this debate we had to move to separate sides of the classroom depending on which team you were on. This guy, coincidentally, shares the same name as one of my ex-boyfriends /coughs coughs coughs Anyway he's annoying because he has such a fiery passion and zeal for the subject of Political Science. Whenever he sits in front of me (which is, oh, just about every single class), I see him propping his chin up with his hand, his elbow against the table as a pivot point. Whenever he wants to establish his opinion, or answer questions to show how attentive and dedicated he is, he swings his hand out, causing his lower arm to form a perpendicular angle against the table top of his seat. Now, this is just one thing I noticed about him. When you think about it, it shouldn't be annoying. But can you imagine how annoying it is when he wants to make opinions on just about after every single point Professor Mattiace says? Just thinking about it gets me mad. And when Professor Mattiace intentionally ignores him (because he talks too much and she wants to give other people chances to make their points), he doesn't relent and after some time he just sticks his hand up in the air. I know you're enthusiastic but why must you be so desperate to make your point?!??!?!?! I hate people who dominate the discussion and he is definitely one such person. The worst part is, he doesn't get the hint even after Professor Mattiace flicks her eyes past his raised hand and calls on someone else to answer the question instead.
The debate was on whether the government should care for all its citizens or whether private institutions and individuals should take up that role. Basically we were debating on the topic of welfare states, and the degree of government intervention in providing a welfare system.
I was on the side that supported having a stronger welfare state. When we split into our teams (we had a choice of which team we want to be in) I automatically assumed people on the other team were mostly Republicans lol. Throughout our debate it struck me how selfish people can be. Some of the points made involve how there's always going to be rich and there's always going to be poor, and economic inequality is not something we can avoid. Why should people who work hard let people who haven't done anything reap the benefits of their effort?
All were solid points but just look at the welfare systems we have in Germany and Sweden. Why are the happiest countries found in Northern Europe? The system of capitalism is founded upon the principles of hard work, competition, and therefore supposed equality because everyone gets a chance to make it big. But what about people who were disadvantaged to begin with, how then are they going to get a chance to be successful? They're going to work even harder than a normal person who have to to achieve the same amount of success the normal guy who attain with maybe just some effort.
Because we are human and because we are selfish, there are always going to be people who will let themselves be overcome with sloth and greed, and just take in benefits contributed by the hard work of everybody else. I think the most pitiful thing about humans is how we are never satisfied. By saying this I know I'm shooting myself in the foot but it's true. If only we could all learn to be content, the world would be a better place. You can work hard and do the things you love to do, and I don't believe that you need copious amounts of money to do that. I'm not saying everyone has to be the same because yes, economic inequality will always exist. What I'm suggesting is to attempt to narrow the gap because then the poor will be able to lead a more comfortable life too.
I don't understand why the rich are so hard-pressed to give – oh wait, actually I do, it's because human beings are selfish. But honestly, so what if people are living off your contributions and effort? Why can't we just be the bigger person, a better person, and think about the good that the contributions make?
Another point they made was how providing too much healthcare benefits to people would not help because Americans have more health problems (i.e. Americans are fat and obese, therefore they succumb to illnesses more easily) and excessive expenditure on healthcare would mean less money invested in economic growth. Hello, it's your own problem for being fat!!! If you all were not so fat the society would be more productive. I almost feel like the American government should instill weight loss programs to make people lose weight.
Snooki Lookalike and The Dude Who Sits In Front Of Me were arguing their points throughout the debate and mostly I wanted to slap Snooki because she kept rolling her eyes and acting like we were stupid. I hate how they debated their points thinking our opinions were stupid. But then again isn't that how a debate always is – we always feel that views that differ from our own are fallacies.
Screw you Republicans.
Maybe I am naive, misguided, and ignorant. Maybe my views don't even make sense but I do feel very strongly that people should be more generous than selfish.
Oh well I guess this marks an epoch in my interest in Political Science. At first I thought it was a very dry subject but now it's becoming increasingly riveting. Now if only I could develop such an interest in Women's Studies, all would be perfect.
----------------------------
|
若那一刻重来我不哭／让他知道我可以很好
Wha cannot stop emoing I don't know why.
Not really emoing I guess, but I do feel overly nostalgic. And we all know where that ends up lol.
Don't you just love and hate the visceral effect of music, how it can bring you back to a moment in time?
For the past hour and half I've been listening to music while studying cos Michelle and Geoffrey are in her bed watching a movie and once in a while they gush and talk about stuff. Okay actually I just looked over and I think they are going to sleep already I still have 12 pages to go before I finish this chapter, and my class is at 8 AM later, I really shouldn't be blogging.
But I need to get this out cos it's bugging me like crazy and I just keep thinking about it while I'm simultaneously absorbing information from my textbook.
It all began with Waking Up In Vegas, Katy Perry chanting "shut up and put your money where your put is/ that's what you get for waking up in Vegas", and then I thought of Cheeyuan. How we all went to kBox that time and I sang this, how I even titled a blog post "shake the glitter" back then. I miss being a part of... something.
And then I wrote "0.7 uni JETSTREAM" on my memo note cos that's the pen I'm using now hahaha. It's the pen Ms Chua gave us during graduation, us meaning 4E4, her form class the year before we graduated. She labelled each pen with this small tag and mine said "RSS news feed", or something like that. I still have that tag in my memorabilia box in Singapore. Do you sense a theme here? Maybe I just miss secondary school a lot. But I wrote the brand of this pen down cos I really love writing with this pen, cos it's comfortable and my handwriting looks good while I'm using it HAHAHA.
A few songs later and I got struck by Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway whutttt. "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly/ I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky / And I'll make a wish / take a chance / make a change / and breakaway" It struck me how it's been 8 years since this song came out, God I was P4 when American Idol first came into existence and onto our TV screens. We had to read this newspaper catered for primary school kids, it was a part that came along with our Straits Times subscription in Peihwa, and the centerfold article for one of the issues talked about how we're going to have Singapore Idol too because of how successful American Idol is. I was 9 then and excited at the idea of this hahaha I even wrote about it in my journal to Ms Jennifer Lai (English, Math and form teacher for my fourth year in primary school, also my favorite teacher from Peihwa). Over half a decade has passed since then, God I feel so old. And a lot certainly has changed since then. Like, how American Idol is just really trashy now wtf.
爱我别走, one of my top 10 emo songs came on and further intensified the depth of my emotional state LOL. I only listen to and like the 周杰伦 version of this song. Listened to it like a drug addict pops pills after I broke up with Zhihao cos I was constantly sad then.
And then, ahem, Legend of Mermaid, the theme song from this anime Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch I used to watch in I don't know P5 or P6 started playing. I think in general I just miss being a kid sigh sigh sigh 我怎么这么老了！！！！！
那些年 from the soundtrack of《那些年，我们一起追的女孩》and Hilary Duff's Someone's Watching Over Me were the next two songs, and I don't think I need to explain much about these two songs for you to know how they contribute to the state I'm in now. Okay maybe I do for the latter – I first discovered the song in secondary school and it accompanied me for one emo week before its lack of novelty ceased its frequent run on my iPod.
Okay need to get back to the books or else I'm gonna die in class tomorrow and I really shouldn't be disturbing Michelle and Geoffrey's sleep with the sound of me typing on a keyboard and the light of my table lamp.
----------------------------
|
Sunday, September 16, 2012
heart
Had dinner at Grace just now, and dessert (5 blocks or so down from Grace) after. Then we had a forty minute walk back from Tim Horton's/Cold Stone Creamery back to campus, which took forty minutes, I was in a short-sleeved hoodie, shorts and flipflops, it was so cold. My muscles are still tense from the cold.
In my hands I held my cup of mocha, my only source of warmth but this too turned lukewarm after some time. My sister and I talked nonsense during our walk back and I can't even remember much of what we said now.
But suddenly in the middle of my walk I thought of X and this thought came into my head –
Maybe you never truly cared for me, because if you did then why are you so aloof now? You were just using me to fill up the space in your heart left behind by somebody else, and now that the person who left is back to fill it again, you are pushing me aside.
You never really cared.
I don't know why this bothers me so much because it really shouldn't, but a friend is a friend, right?
On a positive note, after realizing I gained weight, I have been going to the gym everyday. Now I just need to stop eating so much.
To Phoebe:
Have fun in Korea!
Don't be coerced into getting nose fillers k wtf kidding. Remember to take pictures of yourself after Laura gives you your makeover.
Sadly I have only watched one episode of Hyouka because I have been studying everyday.
But I'm going to allocate time to watch another episode, hopefully after I finish studying tonight, or tomorrow!
I miss you and FPOL (the noodles, not the person) :''''(
----------------------------
|
Friday, September 14, 2012
I do not wish to look back, or dwell on things, because of the hurt it causes.
Yes you may think I'm selfish, but what about my happiness? Do I not deserve to be happy? I deserve to be happy too.
If forgetting means I can be happier, then yes, I choose to forget.
----------------------------
|
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
let me fly from this place!
'Do you consider,' said his companion to him, 'that you will be obliged to pay three months' rent, and to lose the produce of your garden? I do not wish to take any unfair advantage, and I beg therefore that you will take some days to consider of your determination.'
'It is utterly useless,' replied Felix; 'we can never again inhabit your cottage. The life of my father is in the greatest danger, owing to the dreadful circumstance that I have related. My wife and my sister will never recover their horror. I entreat you not to reason with me any more. Take possession of your tenement, and let me fly from this place.'
Felix trembled violently as he said this. He and his companion entered the cottage, in which they remained for a few minutes, and then departed. I never saw any of the family of De Lacey more.
Frankenstein, ch. 16
Mary Shelley
I don't know why I find this part hilarious, especially when Felix insists upon his landlord that he permit them to leave. "My wife and my sister will never recover their horror", "let me fly from this place" HAHAHAHAHA it's not supposed to be funny it's supposed to be sad dammit
----------------------------
|
Why I'm Constantly Depressed
On top of having a naturally pessimistic disposition, I suspect that it is because my room is always dim and gloomy. For reasons I do not know and did not bother to find out, my roommates do not like turning on the main light, preferring to switch on their own lamps to illuminate the darkness instead. The problem is, it's a lamp. It's hardly bright enough to read without getting more myopic than we already are dammit.
Also, I am growing fat. /bursts into tears
I need to go to the gym more often.
I need to stop eating those burgers at McKinley.
I need to stop having the mindset that because each meal at Brooks is so expensive, I have to eat my fill if not bo hua, and stop filling up plate after plate just because it's an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I swear, I'll come up with a diet plan real soon. Right after I get over with this week and all the assignments due this week.
And also I should make an excel sheet of all my papers and exams wahahaha like those assignment deadlines spreadsheets that proved so useful during my stint in MCM. Guess FMS isn't completely useless after all (kidding, kidding)
I don't know why I feel depressed now. I need to get out of this room, or maybe just have enough courage to switch on the lights.
P/S Supposed to be working on my Frankenstein paper now, oh what a dark story to be writing about, if only we were assigned a happier tale for this course! Today we were discussing about the Albatross in "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" and I, to put it crudely, could "catch no balls". For my paper I'm gonna write about Safie because she only appears in 3 chapters and I'm too lazy to pore through the book looking for quotes – a tedious task if I were to write about Elizabeth, Henry (although I would love to write about him) and Lao Frankenstein (aka Victor's dad).
Did you all know Frankenstein is the surname of the creator of the monster, and not the name for the monster itself? The monster doesn't actually have a name and is constantly referred to as "wretched being", "daemon", "devil's incarnate". Okay I made the last one up by myself but you get the idea.
----------------------------
|
Monday, September 10, 2012
To Theo:
Wow, Seawall sounds like a fantastic name for your son/daughter (yes, because it's cool enough to be a unisex name)! Let me tell you a little about Seawall, shall I?
So (Hannah) Seawall is about my height, perhaps a little taller, with long blonde hair and a plump figure. Besides running for the class of 2016 senate, Seawall likes to let her hair down in her free time. Literally. She does this by going to parties on Friday and Saturday nights. At these parties, she swings her unbound hair vigorously and takes jello-shots made in the bathroom. She gets drunk on two jello-shots. Her intoxication drives her into a state of wildness and she begins to grinds girls (and boys).
Michelle (my roommate) has demonstrated Seawall's dance style to me and if you wish to replicate it you may do so by following these steps:
Step 1 – Bend over to the front, imagine you're a Japanese giving a bow, only you're overzealous and your bow goes over 90 degrees.
Step 2 – Make sure your feet are flat and stable on the ground.
Step 3 – Jiggle your feet and wiggle your butt about vigorously.
Step 4 – While continuing in this motion, sidle up and grind your shaking ass against innocent bystanders.
And voila! You have now mastered the Seawall Boogie Dance.
On top of this, Seawall also goes around randomly making out with people. In her drunken state she goes up to strangers and in a bid to seduce them she may perform the Seawall Boogie Dance to try and seduce them, sort of like a mating ritual. If she's really on heat (ahem from the alcohol, I mean), she forgoes this step and just grabs a person to make out with. The gender of this person does not matter.
Seawall also amuses us peaceful citizens of Walker Hall by disappearing behind closed doors with random people and emerging the next day, or hours later, with – I am not kidding about this – "a hickey the size of a softball" (in the words of Hannah Russell, my roommate). She piles on makeup to conceal it.
In a vain attempt to rectify her actions, Seawall proceeds to knock on the doors of the guys' rooms in Walker Hall to apologize and say, "What I did was really inappropriate". She also tries to find out from various sources who and how many people she made out with, what exactly she did, and most importantly, who gave her the hugeass hickey. Everyone cites a different person as the one who gave her the hickey – some people even claim it could have been more than one person – and Seawall ends up all confused and somewhat mortified.
Doesn't stop her from partying though. This weekend I'm going to go along, just so I can witness her in action.
In conclusion, I eagerly await the day of Seawall Reyes's arrival into this world. I'm sure he/she will be extremely moved when he/she grow to learn that he/she is the namesake of such a highly inspiring individual.
--
My hall mates are so sweet.
I was having a crappy day and then I began to have cramps. I was squirming about in pain on my bed, trying to distract myself by knitting when Michelle asked me if I wanted dinner. I said no cos I was having cramps so I'm gonna just stay in bed. She asked me if I wanted some Advil and I said, "Does that help?" She nodded in the affirmative and I gladly accepted two. "I don't even know why I'm getting cramps, I don't usually get cramps in Singapore," I grumbled. "Well, some people say it could be the food here that makes it really bad," Michelle explained. Soon after I fell asleep on my bed before the effects of the pills could kick in.
In my semi-unconscious state I could hear the girls (think it was Natasha and don't know who else) running up and down the hall and making a ton of noise. Michelle went out and told them to shut up.
And after a while, Hanna Hebert came in and began talking loudly to Michelle (and Hannah Russell, who came back a while after I fell asleep). Michelle told her to be quiet cos I wasn't feeling well and was resting and Hanna exclaimed, "Oh! I'm so sorry, I didn't know she was feeling unwell." They discussed about my cramps and Advil and Hanna retired to her room.
When I woke up and stumbled out of bed, the pain was a little numbed but still there. I grabbed my stuff and headed to the showers. I passed by Hanna's room where the door was open and she cried out, "Oh, Brey-brey (I have no idea how she started to call me this)! Brey-brey!"
I stopped by her door – Seawall and this other girl were also in it, along with Hanna's roommate Emily. Hanna apologized for making noise while I was sleeping. I said, "Oh it's fine, I didn't even hear anything," although the truth was I heard everything HAHAHAHA.
"Do you need some Advil?" Hanna asked, and Emily (who is so sweet) offered some too. "We could pour some into a bottle for you."
I went to take my shower (which took forever cos I like to take long showers) and I guess I really took pretty long cos Hanna came in and checked if I was fine. Maybe they thought I had fainted in the showers from my cramps or something HAHAHA.
I came back to see a small zip-lock bag of Advil pills on the drawer top next to my bed.
----------------------------
|
Sunday, September 9, 2012
falling from cloud nine
I feel this immense pressure to be perfect, if not for anyone else, but for myself.
----------------------------
|
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Just now after I hung up from my phone call from home, I buried my face in my covers and wept.
It's not so much that I miss home, but more that I feel so alone.
That I have a sister here is supposed to help and I'll be unfair if I said it didn't, because it does, a little bit. But it sucks to have someone still nagging at you and always thinking the worst of what you do.
And for the love of God I am not stupid. I just don't know how things run here. Hall mates, please don't think I'm anti-social. Please don't think all I do is go to the library and study. So what if I'm studious? So what if I don't wanna go to a party just cos I feel like shit? I didn't fly over two continents, travel over 15 000 kilometers, to come here to play. I came here to study. And I am acutely aware of that – should that ever slip down my list of priorities I would face backlash from my parents and family and everybody else. But that would never happen cos I would never forget that I am here as a student – I feel this deep down to every single bone of my body. Yes, I want to experience and learn more about the American culture but that doesn't mean compromising on my very reason of being here.
I just wish I had someone here I could relate to.
Is it my problem that I don't have a best friend? Do I expect too much of people? Yet, why am I created with this desire to have a deep connection with someone if it wasn't meant to be fulfilled?
P/S because I'm in such a terrible mood (all hail the manifestations of PMS!), I'd much rather stay in my dorm room alone and stuff myself with food and knit.
----------------------------
|
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ji-hee is downstairs using the computer and here I am taking a break from writing my stupid Louv paper and pattering away on this blog. The paper is only 4 pages, short by college standards, but when you have nothing good to write about the whole process feels like torture dragged on.
My hands are cold sigh. Back to the paper.
----------------------------
|
Sunday, September 2, 2012
brother
Since secondary school when I began to drift away from my family, the distance between my siblings and I grew as well. I can't put my finger on the exact point in time I wished this, but since secondary school I have always wished I had an older brother.
I don't know if it's because I'm fearful of girls and their complexities, which leads to me always having my walls up around them; or if it's because the naturally laid-back and chill disposition of (most) guys rendered me to subconsciously let my guards down. But I've always found it easier to confide in and hang out with guys because I have always known they would be less offended. [Well, but not guys in strange, strange America (yet) hahaha.] Throughout the years I have often been labelled a "flirt" because I always hang out and talk to guys. More often than not it has never been a conscious act to trust a guy more than I do the average girl. After having – this was what I called it in Sec 1 – "massive bitch fights" with other girls in my class, up till today I find myself truly connecting with very few girls.
I don't treat guys better because I am a cocktease, I've always felt that they were just generally more forgiving and less petty on many issues.
In Sec 1 when I was (kind of) left out, I saw myself as being
"ostracized" (yeah that was the exact word I used to describe my
situation to a guy who was trying to go after me lol), especially by the
more dominant girls in my class. In Sec 2 when I got over it but still
didn't remain close to girls in my class, Felicia casually mentioned a
couple of times that I have probably developed a fear of hanging out
with most girls because of all the bitching and backstabbing. All the
way till graduation the number of close girl friends I had were always
far outnumbered by guy friends I could consider close, and even these
few female friends were often dropped and gone from my life due to girl
drama.
Throughout these times though, I had constantly fantasized about having an older brother
to look out for me or punch/slap/kick the shins of people who treated
me with ill intentions. Naturally I imagined him to be taller than me,
handsome, hilarious, athletic but also smart... Basically the perfect
guy. He would be so cool that other people would be envious I had such a
brother and he would instill fear/awe in those bitches and they'd be
too scared to do anything to me hahhaha. Which is strange, because I
think these are the characteristics of the perfect boyfriend to many
other girls. But no, not to me. I wanted someone like that to be my
brother, a protector.
What I failed to realize (until a
few days ago) was that I already have someone like that. In fact, many
people in my life are like that.
Because I am shy I do not wish to put the names of people out here but let's just say plenty of the people are on the readers list of this blog. I find it incredulous sometimes, the kindness and generosity with which these guy friends so willingly shower upon me. This sincerity makes me feel guilty, especially when I always do nothing in return. All I do is (often meekly) lap up the attention. My exclamations of "I feel so bad, I always do nothing for you" is often met with "It's okay".
Being blessed with such people in my life make me feel incredibly blessed.
Okay time for bed my class is 8 AM tomorrow.
P/S On a side note I don't trust all guys though. I remember once I trusted Kenny with really intimate and personal feelings on a private issue and he went to broadcast them to various members of the Gay Party. I remember feeling really hurt and deciding never to trust him with any information of such a nature again HAHAHA
----------------------------
|
|