Saturday, June 30, 2012
Another quick post before I go prepare and head out to meet Fibi at Marina Square.
I've been such a shitty friend lately. Being caught up in your own things is no excuse to be blind to everything else around you.
Because of all the things that have been happening, I feel like I've been encased in this huge bubble around me and while it was kind of nice at first, being someplace cozy and stuck in my own joint world, now it's getting somewhat suffocating and I really need some air. Can I just say how glad I am that now the window right across me is open and cold air is breathing in? I'm so thankful for that even though it's something so minute.
I feel like I've been swimming and swimming but now finally I've kind of broken up to the surface and the first gasp of air feels like a cold, and somewhat shocking, but huge and magnificent relief.
At the start of school my heart felt full and I felt at peace but as time went by this calmness has been eroded by calamity. I could sense it, I could feel it. But now I'm ready to be refilled again.
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Tuesday, June 26, 2012
A quick post before I head to sleep.
I just had half a cup of Milo. See there's the problem with eating or drinking so late at night – if you don't eat/drink, you're left with a growling stomach; but if you do, you grow fat cos you're not supposed to eat/drink so late at night.
And with Milo, when you do decide to drink it at such an hour, therein lies another dilemma – being a chocolate drink it's extremely heaty for the constitution and sleeping so late at night doesn't help the problem as well. You drink it and next morning when you awake you're faced with new zits popping up on your face. But if you don't drink it and just pour it away, it's a huge waste.
Well that's not really what I wanted to talk about. But today, or rather yesterday was a pretty good day.
Lecture in the morning at 9, after MBM I went to talk to Mr Bangras about the “ ‘suddenness’ in my family's decision to move to the United States”. I was apprehensive about it cos I was afraid he was going to be all snarky and sarcastic to me, like I should have told him way earlier that I was quitting school, but no, he was so kind and helpful and just wanted to help me finish my exams this semester so I could leave with an extra semester's worth of records. I'm so glad I wasn't wrong about Mr Bangras, this is why he's my favorite lecturer this semester. It also made me feel immensely guilty for not paying attention to his lectures of late.
Lunch at Pines with Theo, Fibi, Van, Cass, Izzy and Josh. Afterwards a few of us headed to OurSpace to chill for a while then I headed to Bukit Timah Market to find Ben, Abel, Fidya and Kelly. After Michelle graced us with her arrival we all took a bus to Rio's house. Abel and Ben slept in Rio's room while the rest of us (plus Laura, Elyss and Kelly, who had gone there earlier before us) played Kinect outside, it was a riot watching people dance.
I shall continue this post tomorrow cos I'm too tired.
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Sunday, June 24, 2012
More than ever I just want to be alone. To wrap myself up in my own embrace and soak in the company of my own self and the quiet of all insentience surrounding me. I don't know how to say what I feel. I feel shell-shocked and stupefied into oblivion and my heart feels empty, like everything has been dredged out. But at the same time something's weighing me down and I feel an insatiable need to pour it all out, purge myself of this... Poison, whatever it is, inside me. And then it is too late. It is too late.
I have never fought so hard before. Or tried so hard before. I don't know if that says a lot. Maybe I'm selfish. I keep telling myself there could be more. But if this is so, then all the attempts I've made towards anything for the past 17 and half years of my life – do they all count as naught? I've been told to try harder. It's ingrained in my blood now to know there can still be more. When will it end? I'm torn between thinking how if this is what it's meant to be, it's supposed to be easy, and how all beautiful things in life have to be fought for. Does bliss lie in contending or contentment?
If I am wrong, it kinda shows that I've been living my whole life erroneously, you know? That I am a bad person is something I've always brushed aside until now. I can't shake this feeling. Has my whole being been a big fucking lie all this while.
How is this ever going to be?
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Friday, June 22, 2012
A quick post for now
GIF IMAGES - PART 4
What day is it
And in what month
The clock never seemed more alive
Cuz it's you and me, and all of the people
And nothing to do, nothing to lose
Cuz it's you and me, and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you Labels: GIF Images
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Saturday, June 16, 2012
It has only been 3 days since I last posted but so much time seems to have gone by. Right now it's Day 2 of the Morning Banana Diet (lol don't judge please) and it only occurred to me just now how fast bananas ripen.
Later on I'm meeting Darren Koh in town for a movie but I really don't feel like going, but I feel bad for not wanting to go. Part of me does want to go – for over a year now, ever since the O'levels period when Darren and I first started talking we've been talking about going out but then JC/poly descended upon us and we never met at all. Now that he, a J2 student and newly minted canoe alumnus, is free from the clutches of canoe training (hahaha I make it sound like such an evil sport), and seeing how these two weeks are the only weeks our holidays correspond for this half of the year, we don't really have an excuse not to meet.
And I woke up this morning with a horrid sore throat, it was almost like I was given an excuse to just text him to say I'm really sorry but I'm sick and I can't go. But I didn't do that because that's just plain evil.
I don't know when this started to happen but increasingly I find myself having nothing to say to people at all. I wondered if it was because I needed time alone but then I thought about it. What good would time alone do?
:(
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Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Have got tons of things to get done... Perhaps I only feel like there
are most things to do because it's the holidays now and the time I
think should be reserved for lazing around has subconsciously grown
bigger in my mind. Maybe the amount of things I have to do are still the
same. So many things to do and people to meet.
I'm glad that I managed to accomplish quite a bit
today (actually, yesterday, since it's past 12 now). I wrote a recap of
what I did this past week in my random thought book and now I'm going to
write an even more succinct version here just for the record:
8 June Friday — Skipped IB. Zexun treated me to a sushi/steamboat buffet and Anderson's ice cream. Met Ben for a while after.
9
June Saturday — Had late lunch with Ben. Met Phoebe for Fashion Feud at
Zouk, left around 8.15 PM cos it was boring. We went to have Toastbox
at Great World City and talked about the way people dress and their
styles
10 June Sunday — Land viewing and lunch with my
parents and sister. Went home and rushed Commiss tutorial. Read 8 Days Magazine and talked to Sheryl on Skype, promptly fell
asleep because I was having a throbbing headache. Woke up, can't
remember what I did, probably lazed around or did something useless.
11 June Monday — Met up with Huashan
after months, we had Pastamania at West Mall. I am so happy and glad
that Huashan and I are still friends, I now feel confident that we will
continue to be friends into adulthood even though we might not be as
close as we were in primary school. :-) Met Ben and went to various
places, had Laoban beancurd for the first time!
12 June Tuesday — Met Lizheng, Kenny, Charell, Soksan, Cheeyuan, Tan Junhao and Darren Koh at SAFRA Boon Lay to play L4D2.
Today has been a rather conducive day. Filled
out some forms required for Allegheny. I filled out the Student
Information Form online and also picked up my Health Examination Form
from the clinic today :-) About over an hour ago I did the Math
Placement Test, it was mostly trigonometry and some calculus. I scored a
25/30, which is about 83%. Seeing that was quite a blow to my Asian
pride (HAHAHA) cos I had wanted to get over 90% :( But I thought I did
pretty okay considering I haven't done any calculus and trigo in over a
year, and most of the questions I got wrong were because I forgot
exactly how a sinx and/or cosx graph is like.
One thing
weighing quite heavily on my mind now (amongst other things) is how
different I felt when I met my old friends from secondary school today.
I'm not particularly close to some of them (i.e. Charell, Soksan, TJH) so I didn't talk to them that much. After LAN we went to JP and they had MOS Burger. I sat at a table with TJH, Darren Koh, Kenny and Cheeyuan.
Cheeyuan and I still talk from time to time though most of the time, the content of our conversations can be best described as lighthearted rubbish hahahaha. But I do appreciate talking to him because him even giving me the time of the day to reply my texts or talk to me when we bump into each other in school shows a lot. It shows that he bothers enough about this friendship. On a side note, today while we were playing L4D2, whenever we were in the same team, Cheeyuan always came back to save me when I was lagging behind or went down because a special infected got me. It wasn't the most strategic thing to do considering how we all know that Versus maps are virtually impossible to complete – what you do is to run as fast as you can and try to get as near to the safe room as possible. It was ridiculous, a gesture so small but I felt kind of moved whenever he came back to save me hahaha, especially when I could see my other two teammates just running off.
Maybe it's because we haven't met for too long, maybe we weren't as close as I had thought we were to begin with, but I felt strange talking to the JC kids (Kenny, TJH, Darren); Kenny in particular. With Darren I guess it has been pretty okay whenever we talk one-to-one but today it just felt strange and awkward with Kenny and TJH making jabs about the both of us all because of things that happened one and a half goddamn years ago. The most annoying/amusing part of it all is how they thought I didn't know. But I do.
Phoebe and I have discussed this before. She met up with her JC friends after a year and the marked differences between both parties were apparent and noticeable to both sides. Before, whenever I met up with secondary school friends who have gone on to JC, I have always felt nuances between my behaviour and theirs. Some of the differences were very subtle and I couldn't quite explain what it was, how it was like, so I just brushed those thoughts aside and attributed my awkwardness to my own social inability.
But today it was blatant and the situation stared me in the face. I could no longer deny it – we are different. We have grown to be different. It's scary and amazing at the same time how being put into educational institutes with different systems and purposes – even only for a year – has made us change and grow so much in contrast. I no longer found their jokes funny (my mind kept flashing back to how I would respond to their jokes in the past) and in return to these displays of humour, I could only laugh halfheartedly or force a meek smile.
I found that what I wanted out of a conversation has grown to be different. I didn't, as much as I used to, want to talk about frivolous things anymore. Gossip, while interesting and entertaining, seems to be transitory and unimportant now. I want to know what's going on in their lives. I want to know how they've been. I want to know what they feel about certain things.
I'm not interested in sitting there and hearing them tease and mock each other endlessly anymore.
(Not that I was ever very interested to begin with... But I remembered it as being more fun in the past, and I could sit through conversations like that for long periods of time.)
I guess I've grown out of it. I guess I've grown older – more boring? – and my psyche has changed. I can feel it too. As to whether it is myself and few others close to me who have changed or that poly students in general just grow up faster, though – this is something that eludes me.
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Saturday, June 9, 2012
fantastically rueful
Don't mind me because this post would probably be fraught with nonsense.
As I typed 'fraught' just now my phone tried to auto-correct it to Craig which reminds me of Theo.
I've got a pocket filled up to the brim with sunshine and rainbows and the ghosts of my pasts and the skeletons no this sentence does not make sense.
I can feel the bitter taste of grass in each breath I exhale, this despite having had four hours, half a plate of fried rice, some Coke and ice cream pressed down in my stomach.
Right now I feel this inherent need to be happy. To be confident. I feel like if I don't grasp hold of these things – happiness and confidence – quick, they're going to slip by me and not come by for a very, very long time or possibly even forever. I don't know why I'm making things out to be so drastic and dramatic but this fear is real and it's striking me so hard.
Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha is a Japanese and she has blue-grey eyes and I'm envious. I'm Asian too, although not Japanese, but why can't I be special enough to be an Asian with blue-grey eyes?
Did I lose my love to someone better / and does she love you like I do, I do / You know I really really do
Oh cheesy old songs.
Note to self: do my part of work for PR tomorrow before meeting Fibi for Zouk. While it may sound like we're very cool and going clubbing, we are actually going for Fashion Feud LOL. We're still pretty cool though.
“I don't know how to tell you what I feel. I live in perpetual expectancy. You come and time slips away in a dream. It is only when you go that I realize completely your presence. And then it is too late.”
It's raining outside right now. Someday soon I want to just chill and lie in the pouring rain while it's dark outside.
I feel fantastically rueful. This feeling, it's bittersweet
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Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I haven't forgotten about you, like never
Not like I'm trying to fake demure and devoted and whatever loyal shit.
I still think about you everyday, still remember the little details of everything.
What's moving on?
I don't force myself to forget, neither do I force myself to recall and remember anything.
Some
things, some feelings, are just etched so deep, if you try to scrape it
just so to smoothen out the surface so it looks fine on the outside,
it's going to hurt. And the scars are still permanent.
Should I
even question the value of the relationship, how much is it worth to
you, how much am I worth to you, that you can just walk away and pretend
nothing happened and vigorously want me out of your life, and try to
drown the memories with other things.
Why am I crying on a random Thursday night, way past my bedtime, and the tears wouldn't stop no matter how much I want them to.
We
all make stupid mistakes, and I tried so hard to change for the better,
why didn't you see and appreciate it, I may not be the best, but I've
never tried so hard in my life before, and I believe I've tried harder
than most people would. Do I not deserve at least a second chance? Do I
not deserve the right to at least know where my mistakes are so that I
can improve?
Have you ever thought about how I would feel? Have
you considered my feelings? What have you been blinded by all of a
sudden, will you see this? Will you see this and not think this is some
disgusting crap...
Everyone tells me things will be fine, someone
else will come along, the pain will go away, but there's no use if all
the "someone else"-s come along unless I get my heart back
Am angry, angry at myself, were you just a lie that I happily made up by myself,
It's funny how what hurt me the most back then, what I resented and couldn't understand... is exactly what I'm trying to have now.
Harsh as you were, as painful as it might have been for me all those years ago, I guess you did the right thing. And for that I salute you.
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Tuesday, June 5, 2012
bury it, smother it
PR just now was terrible.
I never knew I was capable of getting so upset I could throw up but now I know. I'm still sort of in wonder with how it actually happened. It was terrible. I am terrible. I feel terrible.
Hopefully writing this all down would provide some form of catharsis, even if only a little, although when it comes down to it I know it's gonna take a while before the water goes still again.
See, this is why they told you to not let your guard down. I blame myself for all that has happened. The most sickening thing is that precisely... That this all goes down to me.
Yes I am hurt yes I feel awful but what can I do what can I do kick up a tantrum drop out of school be recklessly irresponsible? I feel so fucking ashamed of myself, whatever it is I do/did, right or wrong, makes me feel that way. Fuck this Catch-22 shit.
Is this how I'm gonna be for the rest of my life? I know about balance, about how we teeter on a scale perennially, about how without sadness there is no happiness, without darkness there is no light. But it seems I am constantly grappling and stumbling in the dark, and I always seem to stamp out what little sources of light I find.
My tendency to fuck things up shames myself.
I don't even know what to say because there is no excuse for my failings.... No excuse. I have failed.
Desperately trying to hold on to the mantra that got me through the same, well no, a similar situation. This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass. And it would, it would, it would. I'm trying so hard to remember now, that you don't die, you only wish you could. Because I sure as hell feel like dying right now. God save me.
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Sunday, June 3, 2012
rictusempra
I haven't been blogging cos I didn't know what to write about.
Here I am up at nearly 4 AM, I don't think I can claim to be any stranger to dusk and twilight any longer.
The past week flew by in a flurry of events and culminated with the submission of our first Field Assignment for Feature Writing. Wanted to have a mini-celebration (no really, that's just an excuse to pig out) at Hatched but by the time Phoebe and I submitted our assignment and got there, the place was closed >:( at 4.30 PM, I might add, how lazy can they get?
We ended up eating at a random place at NUS, which seems more university-like now that I've actually explored it a little. Took ugly photos at Botanic Gardens (I didn't know NUS and Botanic Gardens were connected) and then I went to town to meet Kaiwen.
Kaiwen wore a black shirt and the red skater skirt she bought the last time we went out together... I can't even remember when that was, maybe before school started this semester?
Met with Kelly (Angel) at NLB and we were supposed to work on our Commiss essay... Which we did. However I gave up after searching for some sources and ended up reading books on literary criticism and metaphors. The air of that whole floor, quiet as the place is, just seems to breathe life into me, somehow. I felt so awake knowing that I was in the presence of so many amazing books, the idea of being in that treasure trove of knowledge invigorated me. But alas, the books were only for reference and cannot be borrowed. Next time if I want to find books to buy or read, I shall return there again.
Lately my emotions have been consuming me and evading me, both at the same time. At moments I find myself overwhelmed and if I stay still, sometimes I swear I can feel my heart throbbing almost rhythmically. It's a puzzling sensation, though not an unpleasant one. At other moments I feel so empty I have to try so hard to dredge up even the slightest bit of feeling, but it is as if I've been wrung dry and nothing comes up. Each state seems to come at the most inappropriate circumstance and my mind is left feeling completely and utterly messed up as a result. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, and then suddenly all the pieces fall into place in front of me, and then just as quickly they all disintegrate into the air again.
Rictusempra.
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