Sunday, August 26, 2012
hold on it's tragic, stumbling through all this static
Hi I'm in my room again my roommate Michelle just walked out of the room.
My other roommate Hannah has a really pretty quilt and pillowcase. Next time when she's not around, I'm gonna sneakily take a picture of it and post it here hehehe.
I happened to be on a Skype call about over an hour ago with a close, old friend (hello when you read this) who seemed to have had the impression that my previous blog post gave the impression that I'm having a really hard time here. Well, that is not true, or not entirely true at least. Yes it's hard, yes it's difficult but I just need to be less self-conscious. Thank you for the call because it made me feel a thousand times better, just being able to speak in Singlish. Never knew how therapeutic it is to be able to punctuate your sentences with "lah", "lor" and "leh" hahaha.
Right now the right thing to do would be to read my book for my FS class but I'm too lazy /procrastinate I'll do it later. We have a stupid floor meeting again later and I really don't want to go but argh I have to why are these things so troublesome I just wanna stay in my room and lie on my bed and do my own stuff.
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Saturday, August 25, 2012
As I write this I am completely, completely drunk on exhaustion.
I am also in my dorm room with my two roommates Hannah and Michelle.
I feel so drained out and not just physically. I didn't know it was going to be so difficult adjusting here. Everyone's like "Oh you're gonna be fine" because everyone has this perception that I am really inclined towards the Western culture. Now that I'm here though I'm experiencing culture shock just like any other Asian (who has been born and bred in a non-Western country) would. The extent of it surprises me because I really thought I was going to be okay.
And it's not that I'm not okay, but the struggle exists nonetheless but the problems are more personal than external. Stupid issues like my accent. I hate it because I don't have a clear American accent (or an accent that sounds Western at all) and then I get pressured into trying to speak with an American accent. It sucks because it's really tiring to keep up with the accent and when I get tired, I slip. Or sometimes my tongue is too short or something HAHAHA and I sound like an idiot. Sigh what wouldn't give to have someone (who's not my sister) be here and speak Singlish with me all frickin' day.
Apart from that there are other issues too but I guess I'll write about those next time because it's late and I'm tired. But now I finally understand why Asians stick to other Asians when they go overseas. I have to come to understand a lot more about things like that ever since coming here.
I miss everyone a lot, I miss Singapore food a lot, I miss my deceased dog (has been deceased for over a year HAHA), I miss some people more than the others. I miss laughing at FPOL and his bleached blonde hair hiakhiakhiak I can't believe I am thinking of FPOL fondly LOL. I miss FPOL noodles.
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Tuesday, August 21, 2012
自讨苦吃。
“You better stop it ah you”
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Monday, August 20, 2012
Hey Germany
Haven't blogged in ages. The days before I left Singapore were incredibly stressful and spent mostly on packing packing and packing. I felt like I was going to die.
Supposed to be sleeping right now but I can't really sleep so I'm going to write here a bit.
At the moment I'm lying on a bed in a hotel room in Munich, Germany. Tomorrow I will be going back to Frankfurt. The day after I will be heading to NYC and finally, Meadville, Pennsylvania hahaha.
I spent my last 3 days touring various parts of Munich – today I went to Salzburg, Austria.
I haven't had much time to come online – actually I've had quite a considerable amount of time but not enough to write the post I would have liked so here's a really really concise one.
On the airplane to Frankfurt, in the middle of the night when everyone was either trying to sleep or watch their movies, I was caught with this sudden sense of panic. It struck me only then that it's gonna be months before I next see my friends for real. Before, I always thought "It's OK, there's Facebook/Skype/Twitter" and that video calls, the sight of someone on your computer screen, would make up for the lack of physical presence. I don't really know why but it was exactly then, on that plane, that I realized (<-- need to start typing in American English lol) how video calls and messages can never make up for having someone right before you, air the only medium required for their words to travel and reach you and not something else like an internet connection or speakers.
While my dad fell asleep watching his movies and while my sister tried to tank to conquer the jet lag by watching movies half-awake/asleep, I turned on my phone and read through the messages on my phone. As ridiculous as it is with each message it would suddenly feel like something was caught in my throat. Maybe it is very 自讨苦吃, but I'm a sucker for pain. So yeah there I was simultaneously reading my messages, furiously dabbing at my eyes and looking around surreptitiously to make sure my sister and dad weren't looking at me LOL.
It made me realize how emotionally dependent I am on my friends, and how far apart I am from my family.
When we finally, finally got to the hotel in Munich, and after I got the wifi set up and everything I went downstairs to talk to people on my phone. I kept tearing (I didn't cry like sob sob sniff sniff oh God I'm gonna die la), I missed (and still miss) everyone so bad.
And it's ridiculous (that isn't quite the right word but I don't know what to use) how I miss some people more than the others :/ Okay I know it's only natural but still.
I'm sure these people would know who they are cos chances are I have already told them I miss them hahaha I don't run about saying these things to people I'm usually too dao for that /cough
I miss the Path ▲ (think I didn't tell them but here it isssssss I love you guys).
Sheryl said when I get to US and make new friends I'd feel better eventually. I really hope that is true but I'm gonna make sure that doesn't mean I forget the people I miss now cos I don't want to lose them.
Random photo for entertainment – a snippet from my diary LOL wrote this on the day we got to Germany when I waited about an hour on a train platform for my dad and sister.
Thankfully most people in Germany can speak at least a bit of English.
Okay I'll upload photos sometime soon and maybe on another blog where all my other friends can see them too. Shall reserve this blog for more emo and private stuff HAHAHA
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Wednesday, August 8, 2012
emo a bit
I should be packing my stuff but let me emo a bit first.
Can I just say how depressed I am about leaving? I suppose after getting there and after all the initial feelings of being homesick pass, I would actually like it there but now I am scared. Somebody posted on my college class's Facebook group, 'Get ready, your first college class starts in 29 days' or something like that. Instantly I remembered how stoked I felt to start poly, like it was a fresh start, one I desperately needed. Back then before poly before school and classes began I imagined myself bounding about on campus full of vitality and youthful spirit and engaging myself in fruitful discussions with my classmates during tutorials and lectures.
Obviously, this did not happen. (A huge part of it was due to my own reticence and shyness haha)
I can't imagine myself skipping about the Allegheny campus feeling all pumped up and ready for class. Because I'm not. I kind of was, a while back, but now the feeling has passed and what do I feel... Nothing.
I feel heavy because I know of all the things unresolved right now in my life. This isn't any different from over a year back – back then many things in my life were unresolved too. But I saw the fresh start that poly offered me as a route to escape, a place I could genuinely start anew for real. The difference between then and now is how my problems now are going to stay with me forever unless I resolve them, the distance wouldn't make them any smaller.
Why don't you solve them, then? You ask.
Because I don't know what to do.
I wish I could be free to do whatever I want without facing the repercussions. But it's not possible because, it seems, in my world, you are never your own person.
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I hate how they think we're young, reckless and stupid,
and I hate how they're right
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Monday, August 6, 2012
ammunition
In bed now.
Times like these I question the point of it all.
Doesn't it suck when it appears like no one is able to understand?
I can't say I haven't felt this more than once in my life and each time I look back I feel like some people did understand but in my own despondence I had shut them out and warped myself in my own thoughts.
History doesn't make it much easier. The pain isn't any lesser.
It's not a matter of wavering faith – we have gone deep beyond that.
Remembering the whole 'God save me god save me god save me god' saga. It feels strangely magical.
Don't know what to fight for.
I need a sign.
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garbled post before sleeping
Fight fate or succumb to it?
Made new glasses today.
Race is stupid race should not divide us I wish people could be free to do whatever makes them happy as long as they don't hurt anybody else.
Wish people could be less selfish but wish I could be less selfish so I wouldn't ask for people to be less selfish for my expense.
At times like these I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and stay away from everyone else.
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Originally meant to be posted on 28th July 2012
Lying on my bed commiserating the events of the evening that just passed.
I went for a barbeque my godaunt (she's my dad's godsister so by relation she's my godaunt I suppose haha) held. I haven't seen her in YEARS. And I was so glad to finally meet her cos over the years she would occasionally float up to the surface of my mind. Eventually, a year or so back she found me on Facebook and we have been in sporadic contact since. Also met Yee Po-po. It feels nice meeting people whom you know have loved you all your life. Even though we all haven't met in so long I feel this inexplicable sense of closeness to them.
Anyway, Ben went along too for the BBQ hahaha it was quite funny when my godaunt's son Max held up a Carlsberg and asked him if he wanted beer.
They say I have slimmed down over the years however the sad truth is that the only way my weight has been going is up!!! I don't really know if it's a good thing to lose my baby fats (even though I was so eager to be rid of them back in the past) cos I look older now. I think I was more attractive in the past cos I looked younger then.
I had a great time catching up with them and talking about events of years past.
I left at 9.45 and took a cab over to Enaq... When was the last time I even went there?
There was Ben Chia, Felicia, Haisong and I and it kinda felt like the old times... Like, really, really old times, when we were all Sec 2? Which is a freaking 4 years ago, I don't know where all the time went. It's pretty mind-blowing, in a way. It's kind of sad how we will all never be able to be as close as we used to be back in 2008 but it's nice to know that at least we are all still on pretty good terms.
In their presence I relax and snuggle into this state of comfort and that surprises me. Maybe it's the familiarity, I don't know. There are some things I don't say to them anymore but with them I'm way more outspoken than with some of my other friends I see more.
I am glad I met Felicia this year because it made me realize that at least for now, it would be pretty difficult for us to be close like how we used to be. Because we've both changed. And that made me feel a lot better cos it made me step out of that 'if only we were still friends' state. I've been able to treat her normally ever since.
I was quite annoyed with Ben Chia previously but now I've come to accept that he's just like that. I'm glad he's still a part of my life though, no matter how small.
What's most unsettling of all was how distant Haisong seemed. I guess it was to be expected because maybe after Sec 2, he never really felt close to me at all.
I felt kinda happy though, in that small shop with my egg prata and cup of teh tarik. When was the last time I even laughed so much?
Justin joined us about 12ish. Ben Chia and I took Felicia's phone and replied to Sweden's messages for fun but he was extremely aloof in his replies. It was shocking to me cos that wasn't the him I knew so long ago. But 4 years of being awkward friends has put a lot of distance between us, and inevitably we have both changed.
Haisong, Felicia and I walked to Justin's estate cos he was driving us back. On the car ride back we spoke a little about Gelasia and Haisong before he got off first. He was extremely reticent and though that upset me a little, I could understand why.
[incomplete post]
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Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Things I Got From Them
1. Hello Kitty wallet, silver iPod Classic, LOTS of fun and laughter, many tears as well and a best friend lost.
2. Stories written together, walking home together, hour(s)-long phone calls, Mirmo Zibang!, favourite person to talk to then.
3. Unadulterated love, sweetest bus rides, dreamlike moments, lots of movies together, takoyaki, tons of emo blog posts, even more tears and a broken heart.
4. Supposed "soulmates", understanding, electronic sharpener, tracing papers, ZIG markers, pastries, High School Musical.
5. A listening ear, a bouquet of tulips, security, all expenses paid, lots of company and freedom, guilt.
6. Hair dye, classes skipped together, companionship because there was no one else, my first job.
7. The Proper Way To Cook Maggie Mee, a ukelele (... sort of), some really good songs, an ankle band, maturity.
8. Awkward phone calls, a portrait of myself, hours of texting, a weird friendship, pasta.
9. Romcom/drama/movie moments, places, food, indie music, honeyed water, breakfast, lots of effort.
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