Thursday, January 26, 2012
11.02 PM
Have been gulping down cold beverages (Strawberry Tea, Cranberry Pomegranate & Apple Juice) like nobody's business since 9.30 PM. I foresee I will look very bloated tomorrow, when water retention decides to work its "magic". :( Shall get started on work.
11.37 PM
Just done with the Comparing Newspapers assignment for MedSoc, wow I didn't expect that to take half an hour. I tried finishing it as fast as I could. The carton of Cranberry Pomegranate & Apple Juice I brought up to my room from the kitchen just now was a quarter-full and it's now lying next to me, empty. Time to move on to preparing the speech for my segment of the presentation tomorrow ._.
11.53 PM
Lazy to prepare for Gracomm. Feel like just reading off the slides and making up explanations for the points as I go along tomorrow HAHAHA
12.10 AM
Today's Yesterday's choreography was fun, we did Birthday Cake by Rihanna. In all honesty I don't think it's a very difficult choreography, but as usual I am too slow to catch the steps and too slow to figure out how to do some of the steps to make em look nice :(
In the process of learning, I think everyone would hit a point where self-doubt starts to creep up. When it happens, you just start wondering why you're working so hard, and whatever for. I guess the crux of it is the reward - if you can't see yourself having it, if you think it wouldn't make you happy even if you have gotten it, then the driving force of learning just dissolves into thin air. Don't really know if that makes sense. I dance because I enjoy it, yes, but I'm also feeling constant pressure to improve because I don't want to look stupid in class. And when I do look stupid in class (which is pretty often), it's disheartening. Sometimes, when I feel that I have improved over the last time I've danced, I feel better, and that overrides the disheartening feeling of looking stupid while dancing in class.
I want to be able to dance without reservations, think I'm way too guarded. I catch the steps decently, but whenever we split into groups and have to perform, I always trip up and forget and end up looking even dumber than I usually do. This always happens because I am aware of the eyes watching, of the camera Fredy is wielding to record everyone dancing. In the end, I don't concentrate on my steps LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO. I get distracted way too easily....
Today's class was good in that there were fewer "pro dancers" than usual hahaha. I always get distracted because I always look at them dance. Oh, and I really like Carol's classes. As Ziqi aptly summed up, "Carol, forever giving torturous but beneficial workouts." I completely agree. Warm up was more intense than usual, oh gosh I haven't done crunches in months hahaha. The choreography was short, but puts to test the fundamentals of dancing... Fundamentals are very important. Honestly, I think I have not even mastered the basics yet :( But I will press on.
After tomorrow's Gracomm final presentation, we would have one module down. I expect LocVid would suck up even more time, but as we go on in the next few weeks with our final presentations for all the other various modules, I think I would sign up for more classes so I'd dance more often every week, instead of just once a week. I know patience is a crucial part of learning, patience is an art to be mastered, but if I practice more, I would probably progress faster, right?
Goodnight.
P/S Saw Danial in school today, limping about WITHOUT crutches. Seriously doubting if he "injured the same leg in the same manner". After asking him, he told me he went for two sessions of Indonesian massage and (miraculously) sort of recovered.
Jasper is very troublesome. He needs to shave for his work, but he cannot shave because we already shot one scene from the middle of the whole film and if he shaves that would be a major continuity error. He told us he is free to help us out whenever we need him to act, but he cannot make it on Saturdays (cell group) and Sundays (church). :( Theo had to press on for him (and Vanessa) to skip cell group on Saturdays, which I suppose was huge, because Vanessa actually wanted Theo to place precedence on cell group (or other religious matters) over LocVid. In the end, Vanessa acquiesced. So we are all having a full-day shoot on Saturday. Please let everything go smoothly (this is a wish I know would not come true).
Theo has been in a shitty mood lately, snapping at people and being easily irritable in general. I guess I understand why, what with all the stress. I was like that before term break, except now I guess I'm too lazy to care too much so I'm just taking things one by one, day by day. Nonetheless, I'm getting a little annoyed at his behaviour (which is actually pretty unfair, because that was the sort of attitude they had to put up with when I was like that a while back), and therefore I've been snapping back at Theo with quite a few sarcastic remarks instead of letting things slide... :/
Need sleep
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Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Networking & Paper
Networking... Probably one of the things I hate most about adulthood.
I hate it when people whom you have barely met for five minutes try to get to know you... For the sake of getting to know you on a superficial level. These people usually want to suss out:
a) What sort of person you are
b) What things you can do
c) How what you can do may benefit them in the future
Option C is exceptionally annoying, but sadly it's also the quintessence of networking. I genuinely believe that when people network, 90% of the time it's because they want to know what they can get out of you, when they need you. I can't deny I haven't asked my friends to help me out when I need them (e.g. asking Kenny to act for my LocVid Adapted Project) but AT LEAST I ask my FRIENDS. If you network, and then you get to know a person for a day, add them on Facebook/get their contact numbers, AND THEN ask them for a favour... You are seriously asking for a beating.
I can't say I've ever been an immediate victim of networking. Well true, on multiple occasions (especially when I was an Exco in Council), people have tried sucking up to me and getting into my good books (just as a note, these people usually give up because I always realise what they are trying to do and I always end up playing and toying with them or dao-ing them). But no one has ever really made use of me, I guess perhaps because I am the sort of person whom people think has no apparent talent in anything. That, or even when people recognise the things I'm adept at, usually they'd know someone else who can do it better. Or my skills are not very useful in most situations.
But I have been a victim of the whole "Networker gets to know you > Adds you on Facebook > Ignores you thereafter" scenario. And I HATE it when people do that. I HATE it when people get to know me just because I might be a potential lifeline (or slave, more like) in future situations. I really despise these people although I know tons of people (adults, especially) do it.
I just hate it when people network and then ignore you forever, because it proves that from the very beginning, the only reason they wanted to get to know you was because they knew you are another person they might be able to exploit for their own selfish gains. But if you maintain relations with the people you network with, I actually think it's okay. It shows that you are actually trying to establish a friendship. It shows you actually care about the person.
On a very different note, I've been pretty vexed about one person recently but I'm trying not to care. Unfortunately, my attempt at indifference usually comes crashing down whenever I check my Twitter. Said person updates his Twitter quite a lot, and whenever I see his tweets, my heart does that thing where it sinks a little (although this is not physically possible, hahaha).
The situation is, as I frequently say, complicated/complex/hard to explain.
I want to explain, write his name right out over here but then I realised there are people reading my blog and I feel like maybe it's not such a good idea to do that after all. But I guess explaining the situation wouldn't be that bad – what I'm afraid of is the mortification of recording his name down. When I used to write in diaries in primary school, I would sometimes write about my crushes (names included, of course). Reading those entries never fail to make me cringe because it's just so humiliating. So I am not going to repeat this mistake LOL. If anyone wants to know who this person is, you can ask me personally and I'd tell you.
So this friend, as you should already know, is a guy. We have known each other for really long now, but we only became good friends in recent years. We would talk sporadically, and the conversation would always flow really well. I guess it was during these conversations where we became close. Our friendship was always fine and smooth-sailing; I suppose it's because I never expected anything from him, because of how infrequently we spoke. But I could tell him many things I daren't tell other people, and I guess his perceived value of me as a friend (omg I'm such a diligent Marcomm student, "perceived value") was equal to my perceived value of him, because he told me things he had never told anybody else before too.
We were pretty tight, except we didn't talk to nor hang out with each other a lot, which was why it didn't feel like a close/best friend thing. I guess it's sounds really incredulous, but the cause of the start of the degeneration of our friendship is actually... Paper.
Well, not paper per se. What happened was this: I had a bunch of documents I had to print out for school. It only struck me sometime over 9 PM that my household ran out of paper, and Popular was closed (which means I couldn't pop downstairs to buy paper).
Normally I wouldn't have done this, but because he and I happened to be texting that day and because he lived around my area, I called him up and asked if he had paper to spare me. He checked and said he didn't, but I asked him to help me ask another mutual friend (he was closer to the mutual friend) for paper. We ended up at Mutual Friend's house talking till over 11 PM.
Soon thereafter, maybe the week after this paper incident, I made an impromptu decision to catch a certain bittersweet movie because I was having one of my bad mood days. I asked him out because I felt a certain sense of closeness to him, and I knew he wouldn't find the sudden/random invitation strange. We hung around the mall because there was some time before the movie started, and Mutual Friend joined us too. We all cabbed home together after the movie and as I was walking home, he texted me "Text me when you reach home! I want to talk to you ^^", and talk we did. We began to text consistently for a while.
This is getting too long-winded so I shall cut straight to the point. One day, we decided to go study together because he had work to do and I had a Common Test to study for. He is such a nice person, I honestly think I might have had a crush on him. But I know better than to act on infatuation. After he finished work and I decided to conclude my study session, we went to walk around and we spent the whole day pushing each other around and laughing at each other. I guess it was then we got too close, because after that he started to be rather aloof towards me hahaha
Now we don't talk anymore, and even when we do, it's not like the way we used to. I also managed to confirmed he was avoiding me because when I texted him a while after the day we went to study, he would take ages to reply (he used to reply immediately, almost like we were really talking in person). He would lie to me and say that his phone died when really, he's been posting on Twitter and talking to other people on said social networking platform while his "phone died" (you were too careless, my dear friend... Or maybe you did it intentionally because you wanted me to know?).
I was vexed about it, am vexed about it whenever I'm reminded of it, but I'm adopting my usual tactic towards such situations – "I don't care." But right now I still care and I know I care but eventually I won't care, no matter how long it takes. Because right now I hardly even care about the things/people that bothered me really badly this time one year ago.
This concludes the end of an incredibly long post. Goodnight
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Sunday, January 22, 2012
Locvid Filming Day 1
School is sucking up so much of my time. Yesterday we did filming for our Locvid project, "The Cure For Pain", and it went by with many blips. In the morning when I woke up, after washing my face and getting dressed, I checked my phone and saw a message Danial sent to the whole group. It says:
Jan 21, 2012 12:26 AM
Hey, guys. I'm not sure if I can come down for the shoot tomorrow. I injured the same leg in the same manner again while going down the bus steps. I'm on my way to the hospital now. Sorry :/
Obviously, seeing that message got me pissed. He is so irresponsible. If you know you have filming at 9 AM the next morning, why the hell are you still out at 12 AM the night before? I didn't realise he was out until Theo mentioned it. Apparently, he was out with his girlfriend lololol. With his broken leg, he can no longer be the Sound Recordist, because it requires hours of standing while filming on set. The last time he broke his leg, he almost did nothing at all for our projects. He has not contributed much in our past projects either (be it paperwork, editing, etc), yet he always wants a big role. Most of the time, I'm just trying to stop all the profanities that are swimming around in my head from going out of my mouth, trying to stop myself from directing those words towards him. I swear to God, I will never work with him again.
I thought filming would go on, because there were still four of us and we could do it all by ourselves. But then Theo sent out a message saying that filming has to be postponed because the sound kit was with Douchebag Danial and without sound, we cannot film. I forgot that he took the sound kit with him. The worst thing is, RIGHT before I received Theo's message, I went to put on my contact lenses. And they are dailies, so I couldn't remove them, so it's not like I could just go back to sleep. I was already in my t-shirt and jeans and ready to go out. I believe Michelle was pissed too because she posted two messages on her Twitter in swift succession: "Wtf" and "Just because of one person everything is postpone [sic] wtf why".
Theo was pissed too because he snapped at me in his replies. As if I wasn't pissed enough with Dan already, I got annoyed at Theo too. Although I know it's not really Theo's fault. And it's not really Dan's fault for breaking his leg but he's so irresponsible, blaming him for everything just seems so easy.
I sat on the living room sofa and sulked.
Told Theo to get the sound kit from Danial, and we managed to, so filming was back on. Met Vanessa for breakfast at NEX's Yakun Kaya Toastwich (she was late and I had been there for over half an hour and the auntie serving the toasts kept glaring at me). After Vanessa put her bag down and sat down across me, I got the Butter Sugar Toast set again (which consists of 4 slices of Butter Sugar Toast, a drink and 2 half-boiled eggs). It didn't taste as good as last week. Theo came with his friend Lester and we went to help Sheryl buy a drink from Hockhua Tonics. She arrived late, apologising profusely, and we told her it was okay. At least she feels guilty when she's late, unlike fucking irresponsible Danial. I don't really want to swear but when it comes to Danial, there is no other way to express my intense frustration towards him.
We took a bus to Serangoon Gardens, went to Theo's friend Benjamin's house (56 Bridport Avenue), started filming in a while. Sheryl was so helpful and nice and sweet. As usual, the problem we face during filming cropped up again (will talk about this in another post) but whatever. We managed to finish all the outdoor scenes, I really hope we won't have to reshoot them.
Ordered Mac delivery, it cost over $50 and Van paid for it. Of course we will be splitting the cost and I told them that Danial would have to pay too since he's part of the group. After lunch, I left with Sheryl and Van because I had to go home and prepare for Chinkiat's OCS Commissioning Ball. Sheryl got a major stomachache when we were on our way back to NEX, I guess it was the McSpicy from lunch that caused it.
It started to rain afterwards and because of bad lighting, Theo said filming could not continue, so they didn't manage to finish the indoor scenes for that house, so we would have to go back again next week.
In closing, based on the first day of filming, I think I can safely say I won't be satisfied with our final product. Up against powerhouses from the other group like Dynn and Josh (hahaha sounds so dramatic but it's true la), I honestly think our group doesn't stand a chance. I don't think our product would even be near to their standard. I think we'd make a decent film, but it wouldn't be one I would feel excited about or emotionally connected to.
Vanessa's friend Jasper is our male lead, and I feel a bit cheated after watching him act for us yesterday. During the screen test, he seemed so enthusiastic, like he really wanted to land the role. To me, he wasn't how I envisioned John (the main character) at all. His only saving grace, to me, was how he seemed like he really wanted to get the role, his enthusiasm.
I don't think he's handsome (although Theo and Michelle would say otherwise. And I would like to clarify that although I don't find him handsome, he's not bad-looking either) and I found him too skinny for my liking. But because Theo wanted him and because Theo is Director (and hence has final say over just about everything), I just went along. After yesterday's filming, I would say Jasper's acting is actually pretty mediocre... (But again, Theo would say otherwise.) He didn't seem too keen to really get into the role too, unlike Sheryl who kept peppering us with questions about Sarah (her character) and how to say her lines. Sheryl also kept practicing her lines and trying to remember them, while Jasper just sat at the side looking bored lol. Whenever we did a bad take and I instructed Jasper on how to act for the next take, he would give me looks that seemed to say, "You are asking for too much." Maybe I really am :( and maybe he didn't really feel that way and I'm just being oversensitive like I always am.
Am very pleased with Sheryl though. Love people like her who always try to give their best in everything.
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Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Teardrop on my phone screen
I hate hurting people. It hurts me when I hurt people too
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Friday, January 13, 2012
Extremely jittery and scared. I hope writing this would make me feel better, because I remember a time where writing was slightly cathartic…
I am very scared for college applications. Extremely scared. I know the sooner I get it all over and done with, the quicker I'll be able to regain my peace. I honestly haven't had a peaceful night's sleep in weeks, if you don't include Japan. Despite knowing all this I still dragged the whole process for months until now — I barely have a month left.
I am caught in an extremely uncompromising situation. If I am not accepted anywhere in the US, it would basically mean I will be stuck in Singapore in NP Mass Comm. To other people, this may not seem like the worst situation to be in, what with NP's Mass Comm being a rather highly coveted course and all but that is not the key problem here…
I don't wanna be stuck doing this. Actually, I don't even know what I want out of life anymore and that scares the hell out of me. I used to think that I'll figure out in college, I'll just try out my different interests and eventually settle on one or two to pursue. But do you know what the scariest thing of all is? It is that right now, I feel zero zest for anything at all… I no longer feel like writing. Even the idea of traveling scares me (would have jumped at this in the past).
It is like all of a sudden, I have lost my grasp on my take of the meaning of life. And now everything scares me because I'm so afraid I'll screw up. But I don't know where to go from here because I don't have any idea AT ALL where I wanna be in the end. It is not liberating at all, this “freedom”.
It is 3.19 AM as I type this on my phone in my bed. I had to, again, resort to taking sleeping pills. Haven't had them for a while (the last time being last year), but why should I have to resort to such measures in the first place to get my sleep?
I think the person I am most afraid of is actually myself.
College applications — I should get them done. But it seems like a task requiring Herculean effort, and a huge part of me is immobilized by the acknowledgement of said required effort. I have it in me, the strength to go through this, somewhere. I need to find it. I need to find it. I need to find it.
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Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Dance
In the segment of my college applications where I have to write shortly about one of my extracurricular activities, I picked dance. I wrote about how when the music turns on, everything else in the world melts away and it's only me, the beat of the music and dance. Throughout the past 8 months I spent dancing on-and-off, I have certainly experienced this many times. But I honestly think I never felt it more than today.
Despite having so many things to do, I still decided to head for dance.
I don't know what came over me but when I got off the bus just now to walk to O School, angst, sadness, fear and loneliness, friends (bad ones) that I know all too well decided to pop me a visit. It really is frustrating when you feel normal one moment and the next, everything seems to melt and pull you under.
I suppose there are a few things I can identify and blame but the worse thing is, all these factors lead back to me. The root of it all was me — if I don't allow these things to affect me then they wouldn't. But I have succumbed to these demons. Again.
The minutes before I stepped into class saw my mood rot even more. I desperately hoped that dancing would lift my spirits. And it did. I think dance has saved me plenty of times, even if only for a while each time. It's like when you're having the worst day ever and you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, but it does. And then someone comes by and offers a word of encouragement, or something that makes you feel better for a while happens. Dance did that for me, plenty of times.
Dancing distracted me from everything that was making me feel bad. When I step into the studio I swear it's like a room of heaven. All my troubles were bounced and thrown out of the door. And all I do is dance (and start feeling how self-conscious because I'm still not a good dancer yet, and get distracted by looking at all the good dancers when I'm supposed to be focusing on myself in the mirror. But that's not the point).
I am presently on the bus now and Josh just texted me to ask how the poster design is going. The poster design which I'm assigned to complete, the one I have hardly even started on. And on top of that I've got Webgra videos (probably 6 per topic, each averaging 7 minutes) to watch for the test tomorrow. I am screwed. Still don't regret going for dance today.
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At O School now, outside Studio 2 waiting for class to start. Alone. Despite my many assignments and all I have to complete for college applications, still I came for dance.
Well I wouldn't have came had Ziqi not convinced me but she backed out at the last minute and I only realized it when I was out already.
Feeling sad for no reason. I hope dance would cheer me up. I believe it would.
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Sunday, January 8, 2012
in blind faith
I guess I just have to keep trudging on right? And to believe in myself and in the higher power (whoever that is because I am still unable to decide). I am trying my best to remain determined despite how daunting everything is. C'mon you can do this. Remember how that monster of a boss Steve Jobs said to "Stay hungry, stay foolish"? Just keep going on in blind faith.
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Wednesday, January 4, 2012
bitchy
You know how some people say a person is put in your life to teach you a lesson? And that when that person is done teaching his/her lesson, he/she leaves your life because his/her job is done? Well, G, thank you for teaching me so much. For healing my broken heart. It's ironic that the state in which you took me in and changed me, is now the state I have left you in after I abandoned us. I am sorry. Really sorry. You said from the very beginning, somehow you knew this was going to happen, you had a premonition. I guess I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that way too. Deep down, a part of me knew this was going to happen, even when I tried so hard at times to prevent it from happening.
On 16th December last year, I went to celebrate my birthday with my classmates. The evening saw the few of us drinking beer and playing Truth or Dare at Mayfair Park. Because it was my birthday, everyone in the circle let me ask them one question for free. I got to Dynn and I asked him, "Tell me your impression of me. Be brutally honest."
He said, "Actually I like working with you, because you are damn bitchy and straightforward..." And he tattled on about how I was like when we worked during projects.
I don't think anyone would have called me "bitchy and straightforward" before you, G. You taught me not to keep things to myself and to open up to people. You taught me to try and solve a problem by thrashing it out, and not to bottle things up. But I'm sorry I let it go on for so long, in the end I kept how I really felt bottled deep inside of me because I was so afraid of hurting you. But in the end, I still hurt you.
Thank you for having loved me, despite all my flaws and imperfections. I was a hopeless romantic but after some of the things I've been through, I became a cynic. I'm still a cynic. But you let me see that it's possible for love to still exist in a pretty selfless form. I can't thank you enough for all you've given me, I can't apologise enough for how much I have hurt you. You do deserve a girl who can love you selflessly and that girl is not me. I know that girl will be very happy, and I hope then you will be happy too.
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Sunday, January 1, 2012
I am not supposed to be afraid to speak out, but I am. Doing my best to fight this feeling.
On a side note, Happy New Year~
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