Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sitting by the poolside, with 2 books and a steady breeze. All would be perfect if the sun would just stop hiding and emerge from behind those dark clouds. It already rained just now so I hope the weather takes a turn for the better. Wait, crap, is that a raindrop on my shin?
Cherlyn is having her 18th birthday party at Vivo this Sunday but I'm not sure if I should go. But it would be pretty cool because the theme for her party is Alice in Wonderland!!!!! I hate the show but I think I'd enjoy seeing everybody dress up.
Met Cheeyuan just now for lunch and got my amplifier back, after 2 years oh gosh haha.
Shall spend some time lying here reading my books in case it rains later and I have to evacuate back upstairs.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2012
放开手是我最后的温柔
Spent over an hour watching Battle Royale and I swear, it's one of the goriest films I've ever watched. That's not saying a lot though, since gore and horror aren't the genres I usually go to. But now that The Hunger Games has been adapted into a film, people have been drawing up a lot of parallels between it and Battle Royale. So I decided to give Battle Royale a try but I didn't expect all that violence...
The film differed quite a bit from the novel and manga, and out of boredom and curiosity I spent my time reading up on the different characters of Battle Royale on Wikipedia. I was so grossed out reading how Mitsuko Souma actually raped and killed one of her classmates in the manga hdslka;dhskal;dhia;disa and how she raped/killed him was even detailed on Wikipedia ughhh.
Today (or yesterday, really) I watched the Student Leaders learn the Mass Dance for the upcoming Freshmen Bonding Camp. I saw Josh dancing awkwardly and stiffly amidst other people who were also dancing awkwardly and stiffly. Afterwards when they were taking a break I went to talk to him and he swore, I think perhaps because he was too mortified from the gyrating moves of the dance hahaha.
Had tea with Phoebe (Taiwanese food again!) and talked for really long! :-) Great company.
我沉默 不代表我不痛
我不痛 眼泪就不会流
总是安静承受 安静忍受 安静看你走
你说我 很适合当朋友
你说我 总是会听你说
你说别太难过 保持联络 有空的时候
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
最痛是当时微笑送你走
等到你转身后 眼泪也不敢流
只怕你偶然还会回过头
把疼爱都给你 把疼痛都给我
放开手是我最后的温柔
如果你能飞得 快乐自由
这疼痛并不算什么
想挽留 却为什么点头
我不懂 连我都不懂我
如果说的太少 爱的太多 有谁能够懂
Lyrics are not in order... But the melody of the song obscures the sadness of the lyrics.
How one person can seem to treat you as though you are the most important person in the world one moment, and then treat you like nothing the next – this confounds me. But why should it, when I, of all people, should know best how it feels.
我很希望总有一天你会了解自己失去了什么。
Walao watching cheesy Fahrenheit music videos right now hahahha wish my life was like a Taiwanese drama can some cute guy fall head over heels in love with me right now please
Sigh expectations ≠ reality. CUTE GUY (with awesome personality) WHERE ARE YOULabels: Lyrics
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Thursday, March 22, 2012
I'd rather be with someone taller
"Listen…" I plunged right in. "I can't, I don't think I can go to the dance with you." Josh thought for a second and kind of squinted at me 'cause the sun was in his face. I stood there adjusting my book bag, feeling totally self-conscious.
He nodded a little before he spoke. "Okay… how come?"
"Um…" I didn't expect him to ask how come. I thought he'd just say, "Oh well, have a nice life, bye," or something.
"I just don't…" I started. I wasn't sure how to put it. "I just don't… feel right about it," I said.
"Cause of the whole Leah thing?" Josh said, sounding kind of pissed off.
"I don't know, I guess that's partly–"
"I told you, I don't want to date her!" Josh said, interrupting.
"What are you getting pissed off for?" I said. Then I sort of said under my breath, "I mean, you cheated on me!"
"Excuse me? I didn't exactly cheat on you! It's not like we were girlfriend and boyfriend!" he said. Ouch.
"What?" I said. I felt a combination of wanting to kill him and my heart breaking.
Later, I would think of all the great things I should have said, like, "ANYWAY, I'D RATHER BE WITH SOMEONE TALLER!" or "I LIED ABOUT YOUR TEETH—GET BRACES, ASSHOLE!" or even just a simple "FUCK YOU!" and "EAT SHIT AND DIE!" But nothing even remotely like that came to mind.
"Well, anyway," I said, as if it wasn't clear, "I don't think we should go out anymore. So obviously I'm not going to the Spring Dance with you." And then I actually added, "Have a nice time!" I looked at him in the eyes one last time and turned away to walk to the subway, resisting every impulse to look behind me to see if he was watching me walk away. I felt like an idiot for wishing him a nice time, I mean, why in God's name did I say that? But it didn't really matter 'cause I did it. I broke up with him.
Klepto
Jenny Pollack
This is really cool.
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Wednesday, March 21, 2012
20 March
So I can't sleep. Again. Part of it might have to do with how I haven't written anything. It's almost ominous how I yawned the moment I turned on my laptop... It's a sign – I have to write before I sleep now because we are creatures of habit and this has kind of become a habit haha.
Spent my day today with Phoebe and Theo. I returned home with cheese in my hair and my hands void of shopping bags but it was a pretty fantastic day.
We met at Farrer Park MRT and headed over to Mustafa, and we reached there at the very punctual time of 12. But FMS being FMS, with its bout of latecomers and all, we received a text at 12 telling us to meet at 12.30 PM instead. Over some extremely oily and sinful fried chicken wings and bandung, Theo, Phoebe and I spent some time shooting the breeze and watching some pigeons fight over a piece of french fry. (On a side note I am presently trying to cut down on my usage of 'haha's and 'LOL's because that doesn't make for very good writing.)
When the others finally arrived at Mustafa, we split up into groups and shopped for stuff we needed for the camp. After Theo and I paid up, we left the premises and waited for the rest of them. I must say, Theo's Resourcefulness is really Level 100 – cos I wanted to sit down, he suggested flipping over one of the huge pails we bought to use as a makeshift stool.
Wasted some time at the McDonald's at City Square Mall listening to the Prog Comm sort out their games. There was a cat that hopped up onto a seat from the restaurant next to ours and the moment I saw it, I knew it was a Kodak moment! Unbeknownst to the cat, which was sleeping peacefully, I wasted even more time taking photos of it.
Theo, Phoebe and I (the only Log Comm members) left at 3 PM and they lugged most of the heavier stuff back to my house. After this we had lunch at the Taiwanese food place below my house and copious bottles of Yakult (okay not copious, just one bottle each for both of them and two for me). At town we lost our way in Wisma Atria and ended up getting Starbucks HAHAHA. By the time we finally got to Takashimaya, we were already halfway through with our orders from Starbucks (I got a White Chocolate Mocha, Phoebe got the Java Chip!).
Bought soft pastel chalks from Art Friend, when Phoebe and I opened it to see how it looked like I immediately exclaimed out loud, "So preeeetttyyyy!" because it was! There were 32 colours. Afterwards we tried chalking our hair a little in the washroom (she took green, I took orange) and it made her braid look cool while I looked like I had cheese in my hair.
We went off to find Theo, who had gone to Kinokuniya while we were fussing over our hair in the washroom. And find Theo we did, but only it wasn't the right Theo... We saw The Gay Theo (HAHAHA this is too funny it deserves a post on its own) and then "the most bizarre thing just happened".
It was a good day :-)
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Tuesday, March 20, 2012
olfactory
I can't even remember the last time I woke up before 2 PM but here I am on my way out. I cannot wait to get out of the house because of the new maid drama going on — the new maid was on the phone with the agent and crying at the time I left the house.
So that aside, I had a dream last night, but most of what I remember of it presents itself in a disjointed, blurry form in my head now.
Let's go in chronological order.
I was swimming in a circular pool with someone. Okay not really swimming, I was just floating about. But I remember that I was having a really deep talk with the other person, whose identity I cannot remember now.
It was peaceful and all until I don't know what happened, someone started releasing these really fat crocodiles into the pool. The strangest thing of all was how I didn't panic at all, I just got out off the pool and avoided them.
The next part was weird too. I was in my Fuhua school uniform and I was in the hall, think I just arrived at school. I saw Zhixian and Mag sitting with our other classmates. Zhixian was, strangely, sitting behind Mag and not beside her. When I went up, said hi to them and sat down next to Zhixian... She got up and sat next to Mag. God I got so hurt at this but tried not to care. My emotions here were completely the same as when, once in Sec 4, they ditched me and went to recess on their own wtf.
In the final part, I don't know who I was with, but it was someone older and he was driving a car with the top down. We were on a road trip and I called shotgun. We were having a good and meaningful conversation (one, I might add, I haven't had in the longest time). I was just lying in the front seat and basking in the beauty of it all. And then this person, whoever he was, planted this idea in my head. He said that maybe the whole world has a definite lifespan, but we don't know how much. When we are born, we are born into a certain time (and space). But when we die and are born again, we would be born into another time and space. So suppose I was born in 1994 and Singapore in this life, but in my next I could be born in 2012 and Africa, but in the next I could go backwards and be born in 1945 in America. So the world never really does have an ending. It just depends on which step on the ladder of time God chooses to place you.
He also said that as long as we believe it, in all our lives we would be capable of finding love. And then he looked at me and smiled, it was a really kind smile. I teared up at this in the dream.
I just thought it was pretty amazing.
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Sunday, March 18, 2012
It is raining now, raining really heavily outside and I am actually really glad. Not that I don't like the rain; I love it, but I'm glad it's raining now because when it stops later in the evening I can go out and lounge around the poolside for some tanning.
Last night I went to Kallang Theatre for Singapore Dance Delight Vol. 03 with Ziqi, Matthew, Junkai, Yin Junhao, Peihan and Joel. Our seats were upstairs so we could see the formations and transitions really well, but the actual movements of the dancers weren't really clear to me (unless they were really flamboyant) – didn't help that I was wearing my glasses. But it was a pretty good show and Da Street Soulz emerged as the champion this year – a very deserving win indeed.
After the show ended we waited for Cheowyi, who is one of the official bloggers for the event. We left and took the Circle Line all the way to Buona Vista (Matthew left; presumably cos he felt out of place, not being from Fuhua and all, I think?), and then we took the train to Lakeside. From when we were still waiting for Cheowyi at Kallang Theatre to when we got to Lakeside, I talked to Mok-kun. He has this easy-going disposition that makes him really easy to talk to, I ended up spilling more about the happenings of my life over the past year than I intended to. He didn't really say much and I tried to act nonchalant about everything but knowing that someone is seriously listening to you makes it a whole lot better I guess. He held off texting his girlfriend at one point just to listen to me. Then I thought of how I had continued texting Zexun when Ziqi was whining to me while we were on the train to Kallang Theatre earlier that day, and I felt bad.
We took a bus to Boon Lay Market (Ziqi, Peihan and I went first) for the famous Nasi Lemak there. We went ahead first because Ziqi badly needed to use the washroom and I laughed when Peihan told Joel, who had called us to ask why we went ahead first, "Ziqi buay tong liao."
It being a Boon Lay neighbourhood and all, the whole place was very seedy and sketchy (I remarked as much to Cheowyi when we left later that night), and it was especially so since it was already past midnight. The queue for Nasi Lemak was, as expected, really long, but they serve food fast so I guess it wasn't too long a wait. Peihan and I went to queue up first cos Ziqi had to use the washroom and more people started to join the queue behind us. Ziqi returned to us all gleeful and happy HAHAHA.
Then everyone else arrived and joined us for a while - they all left for the washroom thereafter and only Joel stayed with us in the queue. When it was almost our turn though, a confrontation started. This fat guy (I'm not saying he is fat to be spiteful - he really was fat) with black greasy hair started cursing and swearing at Joel. When Joel turned to look at him, the fat guy (dressed in a black polo tee, 3/4 pants and flip flops) – obviously an ahbeng, a middle-aged one at that – barked at him angrily, "You fucking jump queue right?"
At that point in time, although I was somewhat scared, I thought to myself, Now I'll have something interesting to write about tonight.
In the midst of all this trepidation, excitement, and trying to figure out what the hell the ahbeng was saying because he was slurring his words and spitting out insults at Joel that I haven't even heard of before (that, or his enunciation was just so bad I couldn't make out what he was saying)... I sort of forgot a lot of what transpired.
Mainly the ahbeng was unhappy that Joel had joined us (Peihan, Ziqi and I) at a later time because that would mean a longer waiting time for all the people behind us in the queue. Joel was trying to explain that we were his friends and even tried to ask Peihan to buy his share for him so he could leave the queue, but the ahbeng was having none of it, of course.
The insults went all like: "fucking don't-know-what" (couldn't figure out what he was saying), "si gin nah", "chao ah beng" (pot calling the kettle black!) and things like that. Mostly he spewed out the word "fuck" in every single sentence.
"One pack of Nasi Lemak only, you also want to jump queue, fucking no shame, pui!" The ahbeng spat... Literally. He literally spat on the floor LOL.
"That's why," Joel told him in reply. One pack of Nasi Lemak only, why are you getting so worked up? LOL.
I guess the ahbeng was mostly all-talk no action because he only started picking on us when Joel was alone, not when all the other guys and Cheowyi were around. In the end we managed to get our food and as we were walking to our table Joel started swearing too hahahaha "Knnccb," (I don't want to type out the actual words but everyone knows what that is la) he said kind of wearily, "I am fucking suay!" I was kind of scared but it was all so funny.
We all had our food and talked for a long time till it was nearly 2 AM and I shared a cab home with Cheowyi.
It has stopped raining! I shall go out soon.
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Saturday, March 17, 2012
It scares me how much I care, and don't care.
Anyway Hendrix e-mailed me asking for a Skype interview and I hope it goes well. Although Hendrix is not as good as Allegheny (academically, that is, based on my impression of it), I might go there because I remember it was my top choice for a while. I can't remember why it fell off the ranks, though. Oh wait, I remember – because it's located in Conway, Arkansas. I had thought that it was a pretty place (based on the pictures I've seen online) but my dad said people who don't live in the coastal states are usually racist LOL.
Being in FMS gives me a lot of self-doubt. More than ever I know I'm not an FMS type of person at all. But having spent (nearly) a year at someplace feeling so out of place makes me... Doubtful. What if I'm the one with the problem? Maybe because I had such a hard time assimilating, I just gave up and now I'm just blaming the environment? Maybe the reason why I don't feel like I fit in is because I'm a lousy person, too critical, and always judging people and giving them hell (at least in my head) for the smallest things? But I wasn't like this, I wasn't like this before. Nobody understands and people tell me "that's just you, you're a blunt/frank/honest person" but I remember the days when I was just... Nicer. I wasn't always blunt/frank/honest. Years ago, I was the furthest thing you could get from blunt, always afraid of offending people, always carefully measuring my words and trying to say the right things for different occasions (not that it stops me from looking back and wishing I always knew the right things to say...).
What happened?
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Friday, March 16, 2012
I was ready to love you, if only you had let me.
But how could I do that, when our relationship ... whatever it was that we had was established on such realistic terms.
I can't believe it lasted as long as a box of Eclipse mints. But thank you for showing me that I'm still capable of loving someone.
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Thursday, March 15, 2012
Being alone, now that scares me a lot. Not physically alone, I mean mentally.
It's four fricking AM I can't even think straight my brain is about to explode. I think being unable to be forthright about your own feelings, having to conceal them all the time... Is the most painful thing to do, ever.
Oh I just found a knot in my hair gonna snip it off.
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Wait listed by Beloit... Huh. I'm not sure if I should be excited.
Anyway I am so irritating, I'm getting irritated by myself.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2012
L4D assholes
I don't want to forget how Zexun and I guailan-ed (and got guailan-ed) by the two random players in L4D 2 days ago so here is what happened.
At first it was just the two of us, playing a normal campaign. At this point, we switched to L4D because we were bored with L4D2 already, having played the maps so many times already. I remember I picked Zoey as my character, Zexun set it to random and got Francis.
So we played the map that involved the characters going through sewage pipes. (Okay after searching it up on the internet, the campaign in question here is "Death Toll".) They also had to waddle about thigh/waist-deep in sewage, depending on which point you were at in the map. About a while after we started, two random people joined in our game – I presume they were guys because I don't think girls would be so guailan LOL. Their IGNs were Dasubliminal and something Russian something... For simplicity's sake I will just call them D and R.
We had just finished the first chapter of the campaign when they joined in (if my recollection is correct). I was slightly miffed because they appeared to not know what they were doing so I assumed they were noobs. I even exclaimed to Zexun, "Eh got two random people join in leh" and "Walao where are they going why they never follow us, they anyhow walk" but he said to just play with them.
In the second chapter, we were nearing the safe house already so Zexun and I ran ahead first. I think maybe because he was annoyed at how D and R didn't stay together with us in a group and constantly ran off on their own, Zexun decided to poke fun at them. I ran into the safe house first and Zexun trailed in after me – God knows where the other two were but they were someplace away from us. Zexun positioned himself at the safe house door and when D and R tried to enter the safe house (by pressing "E" to open the door from the outside), Zexun kept pressing "E" to close the door after one of them have opened it, so they weren't able to enter the safe house HAHAHAHA. Even as I type this now I'm snickering to myself LOL.
My impression that they were noobs was proven wrong after the next chapter began. They ran off on their own and didn't wait for us at all, whilst Zexun and I kept trying to catch up with them. When we got attacked by Hunters or Jockeys they didn't really care to save us either. Two-thirds into the chapter, Zexun died and I ran off on my own to the safe house. But because I wasn't familiar with this campaign, I had no idea that the safe house for this chapter (situated at a church) was to be the setting for a crescendo event ohmygawd. Imagine how I panicked?! HAHAHA.
At this point in time D and R were still somewhere behind, I could see the glowing outlines of their characters but could not see the characters themselves, so it meant they were a short distance away. After my attempt to open the safe house door (which culminated in me talking to the church guy in the safe house, leading to the start of the crescendo event and horde after horde of zombies), I expected D and R to haul their asses over to where I was and help me annihilate the hordes of zombies. Clearly they were very petty and childish people though because they just stayed where there were!!!!! I could see their glowing outlines, blithely pacing about in the same location, while I crouched in the corner outside the safe house door, blasting and knocking back the hordes of zombies trying to attack me, fearing for my rapidly dwindling ammo supply and life.
While I was gunning down the common infected from the crescendo event (thank God I picked my usual weapon of choice – the Submachine Gun, which has more ammo – over the Pump Shotgun), I kept crying out to Zexun, "WHY THEY DON'T WANNA COME AND HELP ME?!?!? THOSE IDIOTS!!!" and he replied that they probably wanted to wait it out and just let me die. How villainous are they!!!!
As George Herbert once said, "Living well is the best revenge" (I got this quote from Can You Keep A Secret? by Sophie Kinsella though LOL). I am so smug and thankful I didn't run out of ammo and I survived the crescendo event all on my own. Opened the safe house door, got a little startled seeing a Boomer inside ("Oh my god why got Boomer inside?!?!"), but quickly collected myself and shot him. I went into the safe house and closed the door and Zexun suggested I repeat the trick of closing the door when D and R try to enter the safe house HAHAHA so I did it but I was not as fast as Zexun so they managed to get into the safe house after a while :( Zexun managed to deter them for like what, 3 to 5 minutes? LOL.
My computer was slower so by the time I loaded the next chapter, everyone else had already gotten their supplies. They had to climb a ladder up to where the supplies were and by the time my game loaded, I was alone downstairs. One of the two random players (I can't remember if it was D or R but I remember the player was using Louis!) stationed himself at the opening where the ladder was and held down the "E" button with his health pack equipped... So whenever I tried to climb up the ladder, I would fall back down to the ground floor because "Louis was trying to heal me" zomg. Such an evil plan to prevent me from going on in the game!!!!!! Zexun noticed this and retaliated by healing Louis when he saw that I was climbing up the ladder HAHAHAHAHA again I'm guffawing to myself HAHAHHAHA
It took a few tries before I finally managed to get up the ladder but in between my attempts to do so, I went ahead and fired shots at Louis LOLOLOL I could see all the blood and hear all of Louis's "HEY!", "Zoey!" Ow man, ow! Why you shootin' me?!" and "You gotta stop that shit, Zoey!" HAHAHAHA. I FELT SO GRATIFIED.
After they finally allowed me to get up, D and R ran off on their own (Zexun waited while I took the health pack and refilled my ammo supply). And because Zexun and I weren't very familiar with that map (we seldom play L4D), we went around the area not knowing which direction to head. I think that D and R thought that with only two of us, we would probably get killed off by the special infected by they were W R O N G HAHAHA. Not only did we manage to navigate our way to where they were, along our way there, there were hardly any special infected at all!
We found them standing smugly outside the safe house, and immediately I started firing at them. They left the game while we went around the fence to get into the safe house. After Zexun got into the safe house he looked around and said that D and R had intentionally used up all the health packs that were supposed to be for the next chapter in the campaign my gawd those bastards. I cannot believe they had the last laugh but anyway it was getting late so we quit the game and left SAFRA.
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Monday, March 12, 2012
Went to SAFRA Boon Lay for LAN with Zexun today, L4D(2) again as usual. For 3 (4?) hours.
In one of the games two random people joined in they were so guailan I wanted to slap them but I couldn't stop laughing because we were being guailan to them right back. I was laughing like crazy at all the ideas Zexun suggested we do to guailan them.
It is different right now I don't know what we are waiting for anymore.
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Friday, March 9, 2012
Nerves
So it's 2 AM and yet again I'm typing this post out on my phone, in the darkness and comfort of my room. I can't seem to fall into slumber — I had thought after all the proceedings of college applications are over and done with, I'd get my peace of mind but no, the past couple of hours have seen me standing (or actually, lying on my bed) corrected.
I checked my email a few hours back and found an email from Bob Baldwin, Allegheny's Admission Officer, congratulating me on my acceptance to Allegheny. While I'm relieved that at least I'm accepted somewhere, a bigger part of me is left struck by the gravity of the situation — in August, I'd be leaving Singapore for real and living out in America amongst throngs of angmohs.
Ever since Sec 3 or 4 when I told people I might be leaving Singapore to study overseas, people would inevitably ask me whether I would miss Singapore and/or how I could just let go of everything and everyone I knew and just strike it out in a completely new and foreign environment?
I didn't understand the concerns behind those questions, I always brushed them aside. I couldn't understand how people could be so attached to places and people, especially when in my case I knew I would always, eventually, return. I always told people that yes, predictably I would be homesick for sure, but I would get used to it and it's not like I was leaving forever! At my lowest points in school... I even told people that I couldn't wait to just get the hell out of here and start on a fresh slate in the States. I truly meant it.
It also baffled me when people told me, [in response to how I was excited to study overseas] "You are so brave, I can never do that." I didn't understand why anybody at all would feel that this was something difficult to do, because although maybe not many people around us have gone overseas to study, the fact that it isn't a road less travelled still stands! (Tons of people have studied overseas, survived, graduated and lived to tell the tale).
But now...
I don't really know why I'm nervous, and nervous only now. And part of me is afraid that nobody will miss me when I'm gone lolol.
I'm also feeling a bit guilty about going to Allegheny because I am likely to transfer out to a better college after a semester or two... So now, if I do go to Allegheny, I would feel like I'm exploiting Bob Baldwin's kindness because he accepted me :( Even if I DON'T accept Allegheny, I would also feel bad because he accepted me most likely based on his ties with my family (since he has met my parents and I before). Urgh I hate it when personal relations get in the way of work... Really have to 公私分明 from here on out :(
Perhaps what's contributing to my insomnia is also the fact that I texted Felicia to ask her out for dinner in 2 weeks or so. My mind cannot shut up and just let me go to sleep.
Luckily she agreed (actually it's not like she could not want to go because that would kind of put her in a bad light, right?). After she agreed to go for dinner with Justin and I, though, my mind was just chanting the following mantra incessantly: "If you dare cancel on us at the last minute again I will seriously not be friends with you anymore."
I've been thinking about the idea of resolving this issue — whatever it even is — between us both for a while now... I think maybe since January. Something changed in January, maybe the planets and stars formed some sort of special cosmic alliance and suddenly I found within me a brand of courage to do this. It hadn't been there before. On a pragmatic side, I just wanted to settle everything before (potentially) leaving too. In a way I guess it's like catharsis... So I will really feel like a new person when I'm at college... This is a hope I need.
Have been going insane lately with a certain personal issue, oh how I wish Sheryl was here for me to rant to :'( I told Phoebe about it and whilst she wasn't able to help, telling her about it provided some respite... Which lasted all of 3 hours or so LOL.
In other news, I'm in the Logistics Committee for the upcoming FMS Freshmen Bonding Camp with Theo, Phoebe, another guy and another girl. Oh, and also a Year 3-to-be senior from FSV — I couldn't figure out if his name was spelt as 'Lincoln' or 'Linkin' hahaha.
Part of me is NOT looking forward to the camp at all, because it is an FMS event after all and I am totally not an FMS kid haha. The mass meeting we had this week at the lecture theatre left me feeling out of sorts because the FMS atmosphere was completely and utterly palpable and more acutely than ever I noticed how out of place I felt. However, I'm thankful I signed up for Log Comm because there's Theo and Phoebe and I suppose we won't have to interact much with the other campers anyway. I am so bringing my laptop to play Pokémon in our spare time HAHAHA.
I feel a little better now cos I've written all this down. Oh writing, I've forgotten how therapeutic you can be. Thank you for purging all the poison and nourishing the depths of my soul.
Might be switching to tumblr/wordpress, I REALLY like blogger but the lack of option to password protect my posts is painful and unbearable :( I know some of you might be thinking well this blog is already locked why would you still want to password protect your posts? To that my answer is: there are just some things I'd rather keep to myself and not have anyone know hahaha.
Okay goodnight everyone X
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Monday, March 5, 2012
What the hell is going on.
Sure as hell not screw this up because I'd be letting so many people down if I do.
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Birdy
Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right at the moment this order's tall
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning, I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split
And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?
Come on skinny love
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, myLabels: Lyrics
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transitory
Everybody's looking for that one thing that lasts but I
Deep down inside I am
Scared, so bloody afraid.
Sometimes I wish I didn't appear so impassive so people wouldn't think that's the way I am because deep down inside I think I am one of the most emotional people I know.
I wish I were a better person I wish I made all the right choices I wish I was born frivolous and stupidly optimistic sometimes.
I wish I could sleep right now instead of typing this in the darkness on my phone.
Everyone wants forever but reality has destroyed it. I refuse to believe that it never existed in the first place because we have seen it happen in history.
Watching Dog Whisperer just now Cesar Millan said we must give first in order to receive.
Hate all this uncertainty, how oversensitive I am.
Hate letting people down because it means I have failed to meet their expectations of me, and it makes me feel like I have failed them. I would rather have failed or disappointed myself than to do that to anybody else.
Narrator: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
Vance: [reading a card that Tom has written] Roses are red, violets are blue... Fuck you, whore.
Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.
Summer: I know.
Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.
Summer oh Summer how I wish I were you.
Fuck it.
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Sunday, March 4, 2012
I wish boys were not all so stupid >:(
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Woke up to a blip.me message from Janice!
Bro: This shop is a sham.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Bro: What "WITHOUT ICE ADD 50 CENTS"? Next time I should tell them I want to add ice, then can minus 50c or not?
I thought today was gonna be a good day but I guess I was wrong :(
Nothing to say already.
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Friday, March 2, 2012
bad habit #1
I have this really bad habit of only doing work at night. It has become permanent – hardly anything gets done unless the skies are pitch black. I have officially become a night owl, or a night person.
One who has known me for a few years might think this issue stems from Sec 3 or 4, when school always ended late, so I could only do work late at night. But when you look beyond the surface, you'd see that the roots of this problem are actually from Sec 1... No, probably when I started being a student.
Maybe because I was always stuck in my own world, but when we first started primary school, I honestly believed that homework was something you did only if you really wanted to, and not mandatory. This culminated in a lot of late submissions and ear pulls from Mrs Tien (my form teacher lol) in P1. Clearly etched in my mind is one of the days we had to hand in our Math worksheet. Obviously, I did not do it. It's not that I didn't want to, but the moment I got home... I genuinely forgot that I had homework. It's like school was one country, home was another, and my head was another planet altogether. I don't know if that analogy makes sense (but it does to me ;) ).
Anyway, so on that day, Mrs Tien strolled into class, pulling her trolley behind her as usual. It was a warm summer afternoon (pfffsh who am I kidding, almost all Singaporean afternoons are warm and summer-ish hahaha) and as she sashayed into class in that tai-tai manner and cheongsam-like dress of hers, she called out, "Hand in your Math worksheets to your group leaders now!"
On a side note, I remember Mrs Tien's full name: Tien Fook Say. HAHAHAHHAA
I frantically fished through my bag for the worksheet and found it, completely E M P T Y & U N D O N E. Three cheers for six year old me, rebel since such a young age!
As sneakily as possible, I copied down as many answers as I could from the girl next to me but of course they had to hand in their worksheets so I was left to my own devices. While all the group leaders passed the worksheets to Mrs Tien and she compiled them and counted them, I was left to my own devices, using my fingers to try and figure out the answer to 18 + 36 was. (Obviously, I now know 18 + 36 = 54. HA TAKE THAT MRS TIEN!)
I can't remember the actual proceedings but naturally, she found out I didn't hand in the worksheet. I think she did this through the "everyone-stand-up-and-sit-down-after-I-call-your-name-and-if-you-are-left-standing-it-means-you-did-not-hand-in" method. After she started to avert her attention to me (realising I have yet to hand in the worksheet, unlike all the other goody-two-shoes in class), I crushed the worksheet into a paper ball and hid it behind my bag (which was on my chair) hiak hiak.
I lied and said I couldn't find the worksheet. I didn't want her to announce to the whole class that I was lazy and did not complete my homework. Yes, appearances mattered to me, even at such a tender young age. How terrible, right? But I'm glad I don't care that much about what people think of me anymore.
I did as many questions as I could as I searched for my "missing" worksheet. I seriously put up an act of going through all the documents in my bag, as meticulously and slowly as I could of course (this tactic was to buy time LOL). After she chastised me for a while and decided to start class, I started doing the worksheet as quickly as I could. In the middle of class I handed it to her, crumpled, some questions blank (my explanation: "I don't know how to do, I tried already"). She stood up, called for everyone's attention and waved my worksheet high up in the air. "Do you all know what this is? This," she paused before saying, "Is called kiam chai."
My 6/7 year old peers obviously found that hilarious and all laughed. I was so mortifiedddd. To top it off, she pulled my ear and asked me "Why don't you listen to instructionsss" (she always enunciated her s's very clearly).
In P2 I finally realised homework was something that had to be done. That did not stop me from procrastinating and doing my work at night (after the 9PM Channel 8 prime time TV drama!) or next morning before school started (this being only applicable to P3, where I attended the afternoon session).
From Sec 1 onwards, I could stay up later so the habit got worse. All through secondary school, I have had the habit of copying homework. When I got too lazy to do all of my homework at home, I would look at my timetable and devise which assignments can be copied before morning assembly, recess, or during "slack" periods available before the lesson in which the particular assignment was due.
From Sec 2 onwards, because I always studied at the last minute before a test/exam, I developed the habit of sleeping early and waking up earlier (4.30 AM or 5 AM) to get in some studying.
Everything was done at night, hardly any work is done in the day :( Even now as I am writing this... It is nearly 3 AM.
Abrupt end of post because I need to sleep or else I will grow fat/ugly/unhealthy.
P/S Suddenly remembered that Ms Yoong (or Yang Meh Meh/瘦羊/Yang laoshi, as we used to call her) is pregnant. She got married last year. It was such a surprise seeing her huge tummy at Fuhua's CNY Celebration (January) this year!
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Thursday, March 1, 2012
I don't think I have ever told anyone this before. Actually I might have, but only briefly and never in detail. I don't remember.
I remember Sec 1, sitting in the counselor's office, sent there yet again because I was deemed a "problematic student" (possibly with suicidal tendencies? hmmm). I was extremely skeptical and wary at first but grew to trust the counselor, but I think, never completely.
We took a break from my cryptic rants and I listened to her talk about her children instead. How they were from gifted schools and did everything (seemingly?) perfectly, how her son had a girlfriend and told her about it, how they eventually broke up and he told her he was sad but would still work hard for his O'levels.
As I listened, I couldn't believe there were people out there living lives so... Correctly. It was everything I craved and wanted, stability and peace in this realm of disorientation.
She went on about how I should choose carefully, take relationships seriously, and not do things I'd regret (this was a prelude to a sex talk, perhaps? LOLOL). She seemed pleased when I answered, "I know, I'll wait for the right person,"
"That's good!" she went, all chipper. And then there was a palpable silence in the air and she peered at me and realised that tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes. "What's wrong?" – She sounded calm.
What really was wrong, was how I couldn't believe there were people out there living their lives so happily, doing all the right things and being able to show for it, while I mucked around in my mostly-self-imposed gloom. I didn't think it was unfair – I hated myself for not being able to be like them, to be normal. That upset me the most... I wondered if I would ever fit in perfectly anywhere.
I didn't tell her what was wrong, it was too mortifying and cumbersome to put into words. I told her I would write about it ("It's easier for me to put it on paper") and pass it to her but I never did. In the end I felt this strange sense of attachment to her though, possibly because of the breakdown. I hate for people to see my weak/vulnerable side and this was... what, the first out of two times I ever cried in school? Of four years in Fuhua, that is.
My thoughts were in a whirl, inundating the capacity of my head. Despite the repeated admonishments I tried to force into my brain ("Stop it, stop crying", "Compose yourself and stop being a loser"), I couldn't stop crying.
Anyway I was cutting my jeans into shorts just now and trying to fray the edges, I don't know why I suddenly remembered this day so I thought I would write about it. Now I'm getting engrossed in the entries from my old private blog(s) LOL
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