This whole week I haven't danced AT ALL and I actually felt quite okay, apart from sudden bouts of guilt and frustration.
Before I get to what I really want to say I'm going to talk a bit about the various classes I've been to.
Carol
When I first started out dancing at O School, it was with Carol. We – Zeikei and I – took her courses and her pint-size stature really fooled us; she's incredibly fit and energetic. Classes then were probably the first time in months or even years I seriously exercised. I began dancing a while after poly started and all the time before that, I never exercised regularly. When the courses ended I felt this sense of apprehension cos we had to move on to open classes and Carol said she felt that it was then where the process our growth would really peak. During the courses, watching people who already had experience and a fair amount of swag dance, I felt somewhat envious (I still do now) but I had no grasp on how to attain swag. Actually I still don't understand, but as I dance more I learn a bit more.
Fredy (Street Jazz)
Zeikei decided she wanted to go to Fredy's classes cos she watched his videos and liked his style. I watched his videos and while I liked some of them, I didn't quite like some of the songs he used (and thus couldn't quite relate to the choreos). But I was afraid to go for classes alone so I went to Fredy's classes with Zeikei and Carolyn.
What I like about Fredy is how he's so encouraging, he has this really tender and kind passion for dance that really shines through him. Before or after we split into groups to perform he always gives us advice and tells us how we can all improve, I always learn a lot listening to what he says even though sometimes I don't quite get it at first and it takes him weeks of repeating the same thing before I realize what he really means. He's also really friendly and easy to relate to. Again with the point on him being encouraging – when we split into groups to perform you can always hear him shouting and cheering us on in this really upbeat manner omg.
What I don't like is his style... His lessons are almost always a hit or miss for me, if I don't like a particular choreography it usually means I really dislike it, but for the ones I do like and can catch, I would love a lot. I find his choreographies a bit too advanced and flamboyant for the Beginners' classes sometimes :/ I also feel like sometimes his choreographies don't really bring out the feel of the music, but then again one can argue that maybe his choreographies are his interpretations of the music and thus wouldn't be in line with how I feel about the music.
Clarice (Contemp Jazz)
Took a Contemp Jazz course with Clarice – it was her very first time teaching at O School, ever. I didn't go on for Contemp Jazz open classes although I was quite interested – however there was one week where she took over Fredy's class and she did a choreography to Beyonce's End of Time which I LOVED (but Zeikei didn't like). I feel like she really is a very, very good dancer, she has a lot of swag but it's in her own style which I really like... I love to watch her dance. However, despite so many years of experience in dance (she started when she was a kid), I feel like she doesn't really know how to facilitate the class and convey her choreographies very clearly yet, probably because she hasn't had much experience teaching yet. But I actually like her style more than Fredy's!!! What I admire most about her is her control – her drags, accents, jerks, the way she lets her body moves and stops – it's stunning.
Anan (Hiphop)
Went to An's classes only a couple of times... Probably less than 5 times. I can't say much about her but once I was talking to Jiting – this was before I went for An's class – he mentioned that she's very groovy. I agree, it sort of makes her class seem more like a groove class than hiphop.
Can't say much about her classes except that they're always very crowded and since she's short, it can be pretty hard to see her and catch steps.
Eve (Street Jazz)
Only had her once when she took over Fredy's class. She's really funny and nice. I like her choreographies, they're very stylish and mature and subdued enough. I like that she gives people who might not be the best chances to perform. Sadly I screwed up her choreo although it really wasn't that hard, this was the class where Zeikei and I embarrassed ourselves.
This is the choreography in question:
Ryan (Contemp/Street Jazz)
Ryan is like the king of O School. He's the creative director and co-founder, and he's one of the funniest guys around hahaha. I love how he tries to make everyone feel at ease, and I can really understand his choreographies (they bring out the feel of the song really well) although I might not be able to execute them (which is my own fault). He gives solid advice on how to improve and because of how much experience he has, he is really able to tell you clearly what to do and how to get there – something many of the other instructors don't and can't do. My jaw totally dropped when I saw him perform at the O School Recital... Damn this guy was owning it. Even as I recall it now I'm in awe.
He took over one of Clarice's Contemp classes cos she was having exams and couldn't make it. It was in this class that I found out why I sucked at pirouettes and had so much trouble doing them. A couple of weeks back when I decided that I wanted to try out Allegra's class (on Saturdays), I turned up and he was there because what do you know, Allegra was in France for workshops. The choreography he did that week was not that hard and I loved it even though I found the song quite lame.
Weijie (Popping)
Not much to say, it wouldn't be fair for me to criticize or say anything bad because I don't really like popping. But Weijie is really good at what he does! Although I always feel quite awkward whenever he stands near me and tells me to change whatever it is I'm doing wrong, because he's not the funny-guy sort like Ryan, nor is he the friendly-and-eager-to-help sort of person like Fredy is. This isn't to say he isn't friendly or eager to help but I feel like he's probably just kind of more reserved.
Bryan (Street Jazz)
I've only been to Bryan's classes maybe twice? Or thrice? But I LOVE them. I feel like of all the classes I've been to, I can relate to his the most. I understand his choreographies and they're never too difficult to execute.
Maybe it's because I'm lousy and I want to rest on my laurels but because his choreographies aren't that hard, you can really focus on however it is you're moving and just make yourself do it right. But at the same time, his classes are difficult because he's focused on making sure you get every single movement right, that you accurately convey however each move is supposed to look and feel like. He's a perfectionist and sometimes instead of moving on to the rest of the choreography, he revisits steps he has already taught over and over again, each time re-emphasizing the feel of the step and how it's supposed to be done. That's what makes his classes so hard – you have to really feel it.
I love his classes because although his choreographies don't make you go "wow" the way Fredy's might (because Fredy has a pretty fast-moving, hard-hitting flamboyant style), Bryan's choreographies are always tasteful and subdued without being too bland. It doesn't hurt that he's funny, although he can show small bouts of diva-like frustration when we are unable to execute the feel of what he wants. I think what I love most about his choreographies is how tasteful they all are.
One thing I realized about Bryan's choreographies is that they follow the lyrics and flow of the songs he uses, whereas Fredy's ones seem to focus on hitting various beats more. I guess this might be why I like Bryan's classes more.
Sadly though because he's a perfectionist, he doesn't give out compliments easily and doesn't encourage us a lot. I mean he tells us how to improve and all but he doesn't go like "Just have fun!" the way Fredy does.
Xuehui (Girls' Hiphop)
Only been to her class once, don't quite like it but it's still too early to judge. Don't think I'm going back anytime soon though... I do like her though, she's really friendly.
Darn it I had planned to write a post about reassessing my priorities and I ended up writing this long spiel about dance.
Final note:
The video below shows the choreography I would have learnt had I gone to Bryan's class this week.
At first, the week before this when Bryan announced that he was going to be using Where Have You Been by Rihanna for his subsequent two classes, I allowed myself to harbor the thought of giving his next two classes a miss because if I went it would mean doing a choreography to the very same song for the third time round. But watching this video, I can't help but feel like I should have gone :(
Compare it to the choreography we learned from Fredy below –
(I did a shortened version of the choreography from this video when Fredy took over Bryan's class one week, and then there was this other week where Fredy had a simpler choreography to this song for his Beginners' class)
The video above has garnered over a million views on YouTube – a whole damn lot compared to Bryan's version which has only a paltry 300 views. Although I like certain parts of Fredy's version, it really isn't my style and I like Bryan's take a whole lot more. This is very apparent at O School itself as well – Fredy's classes are always extremely popular (leading to a very crowded studio, ugh) whilst Bryan's classes don't have that many people (it has a fair amount).
----------------------------
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
This morning:
The process of preparing for school starts off with choosing what to wear. And what a dreadful process it is indeed, having to sit on my bed before my closet, surveying the articles of clothing, picking pieces out only to place them back because they somehow don't seem wearable for the day, trying clothes on only to change out of them in the end. It's a tiresome process and when I go through it the air seems to take on a sluggish, mundane quality.
Recap for the day:
MBM lecture – attention span 65%.
Bought tomyam banmian thereafter and tried desperately to finish it outside the lecture hall. Realized how dumb I was to buy banmian I don't even know why I didn't care at first what people thought if I ate something like that in the lecture hall, I didn't give a damn about how the pungent smell of the soup would diffuse. Acted cute disgusting with Fibi during Commiss lecture and we kept laughing.
Commiss lecture – attention span 15%.
Did I mention I really dislike Commiss? I remarked to Fibi about how Ms Illydea seems a little like Dolores Umbridge, only not as genuinely evil. Ms Illydea always stands and gives us this sickly, somewhat patronizing smile... I really don't like it.
Went with various people from T206 to Canteen 4 for lunch although I didn't eat. Had a cup of barley – the one at Makanplace is better.
Ben and I accompanied Alicia for her interview at Sogurt. The whole shop seemed really whimsical and girly, it wasn't really any surprise to me that most, if not all, of the customers there were female. Asked the interviewee (co-founder of Sogurt, Lee Liping, ACJC alumnus) if she knew Gayle Ong (oops it's really Gayle Goh, I got the surname wrong!) and Jiang Lai, and she said she didn't know them. I was rather surprised because Gayle and JL were somewhat famous/infamous figures from ACJC. It kind of made me think Ms Lee was entrapped in her own little bubble when she was off studying at the States, I really hope I do not become like that. I don't want to be out of touch with things in Singapore while I'm gone, but just this morning I was thinking about how amazed my sister was with JCube. By the time of my first return for a holiday, lots of new malls would probably have popped up all over, particularly in Jurong East, where they are currently building two new malls. Perhaps, by then, I'll be feeling all foreign to something that has already been around for some time. I hope I don't become foreigner to my own country.
Strolled into lecture hall for Radio – late. Feature Writing involved lots of stories from Ramani's part, and also the news of a student from our cohort who has been debarred. We were also cautioned against signing our attendance and leaving lecture. Couldn't quite concentrate because I was having such a splitting headache.
Had dinner at Makanplace with Fibi, Lindsay and Van. They drew on eyeliner for Van and it actually looked quite good on her! Last night I dreamt I drew on eyeliner (with a pen eyeliner that was dry, do they even have that?) and it fit me perfectly and accentuated my eyes instead of making me look trashy – the way I usually would when I put on eyeliner. Dinner was spent laughing like mad with Fibi cos we were doing so many different accents, and really loudly. We were so loud, random people looked over at us and shot us looks HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA there was this auntie who shot us a look of disgust when we were doing a Chinese accent!!!!!! I cannot stop laughing whenever Fibi puts on her Chinese accent I even feel like laughing now. “哪个 Danial 和他的前女友 ... ”
Random thoughts at 3.30 AM:
If only I could pack my friends into a suitcase and bring them along with me to college. I feel that college is going to be such an awesome experience (save for the fact that I'd have to make friends again and get re-accustomed to a new place and culture... Quite looking forward to these things actually, although I'm a little apprehensive) and the thought of them not being there to spend it with me is a little difficult to stomach. If I were filthy rich (by this, I mean with my own fortune of course, not inherited or anything) and if my friends didn't mind I would totally pay for their college tuition.
Sadly, that is all but a wishful dream.
----------------------------
Sunday, May 20, 2012
when do you think it will all become clear?
I want to be rich and I want lots of money / I don't care about clever I don't care about funny / I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds / I heard people die while they are trying to find them
I can't stop listening to The Fear by Lily Allen, I don't even have to play it because the song itself loops in my head. Contrary to public opinion that this song is about consumerism, I feel that this song is her say on why she left the music industry (she went on a musical hiatus after It's Not Me, It's You, of which The Fear is on).
And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless / 'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous / I'll look at The Sun and I'll look in The Mirror / I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner
Random note I wrote today at the supermarket: It just struck me a while ago that my relationship with my mother is terrible. Has been terrible for years now. It's not that things have gotten to an irreparable state, but I don't know how to go about salvaging things.
What changed?
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore / And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore / And when do you think it will all become clear? / 'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear
One of my failings and fortés is being strongly drawn to the humane and the sad. I study aspects of things with these traits coming through with a curiosity that borders on morbid. The very first moment I heard this song at 313@Somerset's New Look (what was I doing... I think I was waiting for someone in the dressing room, was it Sheryl or Fibi?), Lily's confusion (hahaha say until like she's my friend like that) broke through the lyrics and her lilting voice. In that instant I felt like I was plunged into an astral-like vision, a world of ethereal quality, one of those fleeting moments you feel like you're having an epiphany of sorts but you can't explain it and before you can even grasp at anything at all, it slips away.
This song is laced with desperation, confusion, irony and... Hope, I don't even know why. I can relate. I am I am I am. This too shall pass.
About 12 weeks more to US – college, the start of what possibly could be my last stretch of adolescence and being stupid, a return to academia and intellect. Not that poly hasn't been... Stimulating, but I do feel like I've grown a lot more emotionally, I've learnt a lot about dealing with people and things, yet I wouldn't say I have learnt very many new things. Sure I now know very fundamentally how radio, film production, marketing, and things of that sort work. But part of me has always yearned to delve into the world of books, Shakespeare, of the world itself and history and culture and people.
On one hand I can't wait, but on the other hand I'm afraid that I've been out of touch for so long I wouldn't be able to catch up. What are other people going to think when they realise that I have no idea what The Catcher in the Rye (by J.D. Salinger) symbolises??? That I found Atonement (by Ian McEwan) so frickin' boring I couldn't even get past a hundred pages? I mean I did try, but I have no idea how to go about evaluating literary work sometimes most of the time :( I really would like to know how and to try and I hope it isn't already too late. I hope nobody looks at me and thinks to themselves, Wow, you're really stupid for an Asian. (LOL racial stereotype alert)
Oh crap I just realised realized (I have got to start typing words in the American way, it won't do to have my essays penalized for mistakes like words written in the British way) it's May 20 and there 11 days left to the end of the month what the hell this means the Commiss essay will be due in over a week. I hate Commiss.
More to come, I must write more before I start to fail at words.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
The Fear Lily Allen
I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them
And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at The Sun and I'll look in The Mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear
Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic
And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cuz I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner
I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cuz I'm being taken over by the Fear
The end of a really long day, a pretty good one spent, although I was quite sleepy and stoned through it.
This morning I woke up and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go to school. I rolled around in bed longer than I should have and finally, at 8.20 AM, I let myself roll out of bed and into the bathroom. Last night I got a new body soap LOL I wanted to buy something which had a clean, citrous scent to it and this morning I used it and it smells really good. A bit like a fresh cleaning agent.
I got to Media Business Management class a bit late but Mr Bangras was kind enough to give us leeway :-) We did a negotiation exercise today in class and whilst I didn't participate much in the actual negotiation, it was a lot of fun. Mr Bangras is officially my favourite lecturer for this semester.
Was dreading Communication Issues (aka Commiss) but it wasn't that bad, it went by really quickly and we were released early.
While part of the class went to the library to borrow CDs for Radio Production, Alicia and I went to the washroom. Afterwards we went to the Radio Heatwave studio and dedicated Money Money Money by Abba to T206, and Kelly in particular HAHAHA. Had lunch with part of the class at Mac at King Albert Park.
Radio was inundating and my brain felt so swollen and heavy from the influx of information :( It was interesting and but I was really too stoned to catch many things.
Met up with Fibi and Theo after class and we waited for Vanessa! Took a whole bunch of stupid pictures HAHA and then after Jasper aka Chowchow turned up, we headed to Newton Food Centre to eat! Van left after a while. The carrot cake wasn't as good as I'd thought it would be but the oyster omelette was good (when hot, especially). But the company was good :-)
On our way to the train station I was walking behind Theo with Chowchow. We were talking a bit when Chowchow suddenly dropped his voice to a whisper and asked, "Eh, you are together with Lester ah?" This query was met with immediate refusal on my part – "Noooo?!?!?!" (à la Shaoyan HAHAHA)
I love Fibi and Theo :-)
----------------------------
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
DMA
I must admit it was pretty nice, for a while, to see my blog stats climb up. It was pretty nice to know that there were people out there who were actually curious about my mundane life. But then the attention got unsettling so this blog is, again, locked.
It's 2.37 AM and I'm on Skype waiting on Natalie to finish up her part for our Media Business Management assignment before we can all haul ass and get to bed. The thunder is rumbling outside and streaks of lighting are flashing through the sky – I can barely wait for it to all just pour down, for the space around me to be filled up with the sound of raindrops splattering on my windows.
Life has been strange lately. I don't know what to make of things. At this hour I still have my contact lenses on. I don't know what brought on this pensive mood but I can't stop thinking.
As we grow older I think we tend to get eased into this frame of mind about how the world is bigger than you thought it was; at least I know that's how I feel now. Sometimes I wonder why I exist, I'm barely a speckle of dust on this huge mass of land we call the surface of the Earth. If I disappeared right now and you were looking from outer space, you wouldn't even be able to tell.
And then life's so short, and long, at the same time, I don't know what to make of it.
"You may have more Facebook friends as the years go by, but when it comes
to your close friends, you lose about half and replace them with new
ones after about seven years, new social research suggests.
...
He conducted a survey of 1,007 people ages 18 to 65, and then contacted
the participants seven years later. From the original group, 604 people
were re-interviewed. The survey contained questions such as: Who do you
talk with, regarding personal issues? Who helps you with DIY in your home? Who do you pop by to see? Where did you get to know that person? And where do you meet that person now?
The results showed that personal network sizes remained stable, but that
many members of the network were new. About 30 percent of discussion
partners and practical helpers had the same position in a typical
subject's network seven years later. And only 48 percent were still part
of the network. This finding goes against previous research which had
showed that social network sizes are shrinking."
I shall try and list all the friends whom I've felt closest to up till secondary school and see if I am still close to them lol.
2002: Xinyi, Marilyn
2003: Stephanie, Chelsea
2004: Chelsea, Huashan, Cheryl, Junwei
2005: Huashan, Cheryl, Ruth, Daryl, Jocelyn
2006: Huashan, Cheryl, Ruth, Tessa, Jocelyn, Dewi
2007: Xianyun, Fiona, Darryl, Kelila
2008: Sweden, Christine, Felicia, Hai Song, Gabbie
I just realised it gets complicated so I'm going to figure out a way of tracking how my close friends have changed over the years. Shall get back to this some other day.
So goddamn glad it's done. Only one thing off my to-do list for today but it was a very monumental task indeed :/
----------------------------
Friday, May 11, 2012
I don't like it
Commiss consult today was… Ugh. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I feel. Just… Ugh.
I can't believe during consult I actually remarked “I'm sorry, are you very exasperated?” what the fuck was I thinking.
And then I realized how half-assed I am this semester towards almost everything oh God it's like I'm doing everything to just get by. What the fuck is wrong with me? Sure I'm leaving sure I don't have to put in a 100 per cent but all this just makes me feel like the worst person ever. Inherently I know I'm not a lazy person but what was said about me today was nothing short of the truth either.
I don't even know what to think.
Why am I such a disappointment to myself and everyone around me I hate failing to meet what is expected of me.
And then I can't even leave things aside and focus on dance I felt so happy in class but the end of it made me realize what a failure I've been. (On a side note: Today's song was also Too Grown For That by Tamia - it's a continuation of last week's choreo)
初次和你见面的那个时候，本小姐就已经对你感到好奇了。还记得前些月，我们俩的好友 X 告诉了我你对我的看法。在那闷热的下午，我和队友们的心情真的是烂到投递的。还记得你很搞笑，不断做出一些无聊的事情，使你身旁的人情非得已地笑了起来。虽然当时我没表现出来，其实我从那个时候就认定你是一个关心别人，爱逗人家笑的那种人。
过了不久我们成为了朋友。再过了不久，过了连续 N 天 N 夜不断通过简讯和在网上闲聊当中，你我之间的友情开始化为一种共同的喜欢。X 那时真的是喜气冲天，心情超高兴的。
我们当时的关系很奇怪。
I guess I was attracted to your guile, to your innocence. Because you were silly, puerile, childish – you were kind. This purity could have been what drawn me in the most. And I couldn't bear to ever hurt someone so kind.
But it was exactly this ignorance that made us lose it all.
你有回头望过吗？你真的没后悔过吗？
My Chinese prosé and writing is awkward, stilted and more than a tad too shabby. Please do not read the above unless you wish to die from how lousy it is.
----------------------------
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I need you despite the fact that you've killed all my plants
Dear Friend,
I understand that you're concerned about me, or... um, at least I'd like to think so. But please don't worry about me – I am well and fine and completely rational. My mind never housed deceitful thoughts and malicious acts of that nature. The ramifications of certain actions I may take is something that I am fully and completely aware of and I hope you would have enough faith in my moral stature, to believe that I would never allow myself to get that far. I hope you would believe I would never hurt anyone intentionally and unreasonably. I would much rather let myself get hurt.
Sincerely,
Me
----------------------------
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Somebody I Used To Know #2
You turn up at Jurong Point. It's 2008 and it's still old and undergoing renovation — not the way it is now. You are there to celebrate your friend's birthday. In a couple of months you would fall out with this friend but of course, you didn't know it then.
You meet up with a couple of people who are also going along for the celebration. Amongst them are M-kun, a boy you turned down earlier that year; B-san, a girl a year ahead of you in school whom you will eventually grow rather close to; and of course the birthday boy himself — Sea Squirrel. And then there was Z-kun.
You are intrigued and instantly attracted to Z-kun. He has nice eyes and when you try to talk to him, he mostly ignores you. You are surprised and curious because many boys liked you and nobody ever ignored you then.
After a few more people turn up, you all go bowling at a country club. You observe Z-kun and you realize he doesn't talk much. But innately, you feel that there is something different about him.
By the end of the night you exchange numbers, but you don't speak again until months later.
Your then-best friend F-chan ropes you into some inter-school drama competition because they need people. You end up acting for the production as F-chan's character's mother. Z-kun's character is F-chan's character's father. This means that you end up acting as Z-kun's character's wife.
More months go by before you speak with Z-kun again. Soon you find out he likes you and you are thrilled because you like him too. A new year comes by. You cannot believe someone like him would even like you. You really grow to love him a lot.
When everything ended your heart broke — you were never the same again. It was an innocence lost — you learnt that love was not always enough. You became apathetic on the outside but inside you were breaking and it shone through from the cracks upon your veneer — you thought no one could see it but everybody did. You became the sort of person who would just start tearing upon hearing a song. You start picking your songs on your iPod very cautiously but you gave up when it got too tiresome. You cry to sleep way too often and music was the only thing accompanying your sad world as you try to sleep.
You start to think you will never be put-together again but be patient — closure takes you over two years but when you see everything coming around full circle, you learn that this was all truly meant to be.
----------------------------
Somebody I Used To Know #1
They first met in school, as is typical of many teenage relationships. She first saw him when he sat in front of her during the first ever of 4 years of morning assemblies they would have to attend. She found his white hair peculiar and that was what she first remembered him by — the Guy with the White Hair. Amidst the initial introductions and grasping of new faces and names, she would find herself remembering his name almost instantly because it was special.
She would soon start to find that he was special.
The first year of school proved particularly rough — it was a year fraught with utter confusion and rebellion and growing up. It was the year she realized she was different. She desperately wanted someone to care for her and for someone to understand but eyes blinded by her own naïveté and small-mindedness, she didn't see anyone at all.
One day she fought with her mother. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried. Amidst all this he told her something she thought he had forgot. It was the first time ever in months she felt like someone truly cared. After hearing what he said, she couldn't stop crying.
Months later when he finally reciprocated her feelings, she realized she didn't like him as much as she thought she did. As they had became closer, his flaws revealed themselves to her. In a juvenile fashion, she silently nitpicked on them. But she couldn't forget how good he was to her. She couldn't forget the hope he'd given to her back then, how patiently and kindly he had treated her. Gratitude was the single thing that kept it together as long as it did.
---
By now you should know who you are. I don't know if you're reading this. I don't know how you feel. I don't know what you remember. I don't think I need to say anymore because we all know how this story ends. But I want you to know that I am immensely grateful. Thank you for showing me that you cared and thank you for caring for me even after I have hurt you. We're not friends anymore and I don't know what you think of me. After we graduated I started thinking of you quite bitterly (a large part of it was due to association to You-Know-Who… aiya we all I know I mean your girlfriend), but it was only because I was hurt by what you said. So I guess that makes us quits now.
I don't know how you are like now but every now and then I think of the you all those years ago. I am sorry if you changed because of what happened. But I hope you're happy now.
----------------------------
Somebody I Used To Know
I don't know why I can't sleep. I want to. But my brain is flooded with thoughts.
I almost fell asleep a while back. But then something popped into my semi-conscious mind and shocked me awake, I thought "No" and my eyes flew open.
I can't even remember what it was now.
I don't know if this will turn out incoherent (it probably will) but I'm just dumping and purging all the rubbish from my brain just so I can sleep so here goes.
Somebody I Used To Know by Gotye is stuck in my head — at least the chorus and the line “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness” is. I don't know how anybody else feels about that but that's definitely something I can relate to.
I think of all the people who have loved me and how I've let them down. I don't think I have ever not hurt anyone I know. Every single person. I wish I were a better person but how long more till "better" ends? When do I see the end of this stretch? Is this something finite at all?
But you didn't have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and we were nothing / I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
----------------------------
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Not the best of days :(
It wasn't too bad at first but then the day went downhill. I woke up looking damn cui argh how frustrating I wish I was gorgeous.
Completed some radio work at school with Kelly and Alicia, I'm really glad I got to see Theo :) There was a minor hullabaloo at the DAW Studios when Nat Ho turned up with his platinum blond hair hahahha. Alicia, Kelly and Kimberly (sort of) swooned and kept staring at him starstruck, they also squealed repeatedly and asked to take camwhore shots with him.
Went for dance and there were so many people today, the studio was so packed. I hated the choreography today and if that's what clubbing songs are like then I guess I would probably really hate clubbing. I couldn't execute the choreo well either sigh. Need to practice a lot.
Oh and one of my molar teeth hurts I don't know why, I hope it isn't because I haven't been wearing my retainers long enough everyday and how my teeth are, irrevocably, shifting back. Nooooo
Things I Do When Upset
1. Eat a lot
2. Take really long, hot showers
3. Rant (only if I'm angsty/angry enough to do it)
4. Read my old emo blog posts and start feeling even sorrier for myself
5. Indulge in self-dislike
6. Sulk
7. Sulk
8. Sulk
On a random note: Who is the person who told me he would, if he could only eat one type of food for the rest of his life, eat corn?
*ponders for a while
OH it's Ahkiat hi Ahkiat if you're reading this why did you ask for my address aren't you supposed to be in Krabi. And can we go to Peperoni Pizzeria again soon HAHAHAHA why do we always eat there why do I always order Funghi & Pollo in Fusili?
Meh
----------------------------
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Donna
Donna Ritchie Valens
Oh, Donna, oh, Donna
Oh, Donna, oh, Donna
I had a girl, Donna was her name
Since she left me
I've never been the same
'Cause I love my girl
Donna, where can you be?
Where can you be?
Now that you're gone
I'm left all alone
All by myself, to wander and roam
'Cause I love my girl
Donna, where can you be?
Where can you be?
Well, darlin', now that you're gone
I don't know what I'll do
Oh, 'cause I've had all my love
For you
I had a girl, Donna was her name
Since she left me
I've never been the same
'Cause I love my girl,
Donna, where can you be?
Where can you be?
Oh, Donna, oh, Donna
Oh, Donna, oh, Donna
Can't stop listening to this song, it is too sweet hahaha /melts
