I am sitting on the floor outside my hotel room. Already it is over midnight and I should be packing, preparing for our morning departure from Paris. In the morning I will bade my parents and brother goodbye – it will be 4 months before I see them again. And I think my hormones are unbalanced or something, but I am utterly upset.
Over the past couple of days my emotions have rendered me snappy and irritable. I mean, in general my mom is quite irritating sometimes too but I've snapped at her more than I should have, when I could have just let things slide. But my sister did something just now and my irritation is now directed at her.
My mom brought a whole suitcase full of food and other supplies from Singapore. All because I had told her I missed this, and that, from Singapore. Even though we had repeatedly emphasized to not bring too much stuff, to only bring what we really need (e.g. contact lenses, amongst other things), they ended up lugging a whole suitcase from Singapore to Europe. I was the one who told my mom to bring a few more things, but not to the extent that it would be enough to fill up a whole suitcase. It was out of my mother's own love and concern for us that she brought that much stuff. Initially, when we first met at Rome, my sister already shook her head and blabbed on and on... Why did you bring so much stuff? I didn't tell you to bring so much stuff. No, I don't eat those noodles, it's useless that you bought them for me. And I can get that in US, you didn't have to buy it.
Because of this, she had erroneously thought that I was going to repack everything in the suitcase into my own luggage, even though my mother's intentions was for us to bring the whole suitcase back with us to college. Now, my sister is pissed because just as I was about to pack, I had sighed casually, "It's going to be so difficult to carry that extra suitcase around with us when we go to Boston." And then she freaked, and demanded for me to move everything into my own suitcase. Because we would have to pay $150 for extra baggage on domestic US flights (this, I have to admit, is rather harrowing). Also, that particular suitcase is incapacitated (the wheels are broken) so that makes it a real blast to haul around. "I don't want to lug this extra suitcase around," she spat. "Get them to
bring it back! I already told her not to bring so much stuff... She
didn't listen..."
And I am just so... Upset, because, why can't you just stop and think who she's doing all of this for? I get mad at my mother sometimes (ok make that very often), but I can't deny that she has our intentions at heart. I hate how my sister has to bitch about every.single.thing. I get really really mad at my mom very easily but hearing my sister snarl, "She [our mother] doesn't use her brain!" I felt a combination of anger and pity and wretchedness.
There's this other post saved in my drafts – about 2012. It is strange how in that post I had thought 2012 was a good year – although I had reached new lows, I learnt a lot the past year. But as I sat on the bed just now listening to my sister grumble... "2012 was a painful year" flashed through my mind.
Trust me, it wasn't that bad but indulge me because I am feeling particularly emotional.
Yes, 2012 was painful. It is painful, now that I choose to wallow in this pool of self-pity. At the end of the year I find myself hurt. Maybe it's the state I'm in that's distorting my judgment but a self-assessment sees me more hurt than at the beginning of the year hahaha. But hopefully I have come out of this more hardy.
And all this emotional baggage has to go. Please do not haunt me anymore. I want to be strong. /end emotional rant
I can't wait for the next semester to start because I can't wait to get it over with. 16 weeks, and then I will be home. I will be home.
Although college is only 4 years, why does it feel like...
It's going to take forever before I will be home for real.
----------------------------
Monday, December 24, 2012
Am in a hotel room in Paris now with my siblings. And the stench of my brother's feet wtf.
As a family we went out for dinner someplace near the hotel just now, at some kebab place. And then we started to talk about stupid things we did as a kid. I already knew I was very stupid as a kid, always living in my own world, but our conversation reinforced that fact sighpie. (Sighpie is a disgusting and act cute phrase I don't like it.) So here are some dumb things I did as a kid.
Once, my mom bought too many bottles of soya sauce and didn't have enough space for all of them on the condiments rack. She walked away slightly frustrated cos one of the bottles had to be left on the counter, instead of on the rack. I decided to try and be helpful, so I took a 1 liter bottle of Coke from the fridge and drank what little was left in it. After rinsing the bottle, I climbed onto the kitchen counter and began to pour soya sauce from the bottles into Coke bottle slowly and cautiously to prevent spillage.
Finally, after like 20 minutes or something I was done and the Coke bottle was full with soya sauce. I was feeling proud of myself and was about to cap the bottle and place it on the condiments rack. At this point in time, the gate jangled and closed shut, and I heard my dad bellow, "Papa 回来了！" I called out, "Papa!" It is exactly what we were told to do – greet the adults when they got home. Hearing my voice, my dad came into the kitchen and kissed my head. He then exclaimed loudly, "Wha 我口很渴啊！" ("Wha I'm damn thirsty!") and before I could do anything, he grabbed the bottle of Coke I had just filled with soya sauce and took a huge gulp.
And then he sputtered and cried, "为什么这么鹹的？！？！" ("Why is it so salty?!?!")
-----
When my grandma was still alive, she liked to buy us random pieces of clothing, just things we saw at the market and thought was cute. Strangely, she bought my sister this pink shirt with cartoon caricatures of shit in different styles and colors. My sister loved the shirt cos it was extremely comfortable.
And then I don't know what happened (this story is from my brother, he recounted it to us just now at dinner), but I got into a fight with my sister. We were arguing and then I cried, "至少我的衣服没有大便！" ("At least I don't have shit on my clothes!") And my sister burst into tears LOLOL. My mom came in to see what happened and I got scolded.
The ironic thing is, in the end when my sister grew out of the shirt I received it as a hand-me-down WTF. And I wore the shirt for years until it became too short for me.
-----
In P1, we were just learning how to write Chinese characters. I don't know why but I wanted to learn how to write "大便" and "小便" ("shit" and "pee" respectively la). I don't know why I was such a gross child. But anyway. I had asked my parents how to write those characters but they refused to teach me ("不用学这种不好听的字！" "You don't need to learn such unbecoming terms!"). A couple of days later in school we learnt how to write "大" and"小".
And I still remembered my goal to learn how to write 大便小便. I don't even know why I was that insistent – the only reasons that seem plausible that kind of strike a chord are either a) I wanted to learn the terms so I could insult people; and b) I wanted to learn the terms so that I could brag to people, "Eh look I know how to write 大便小便!" Wtf either way both are not very flattering reasons.
I went home and asked my dad, "Papa, 怎样写 ‘方便’ 的 ‘便’？"
And my dad was really happy, like, wow my kid is so inquisitive and intellectually curious! So he happily traced the word on his palm with his finger, and told me to trace the word where he had written it on his palm. After that, to ensure that I got the word right, he wrote it down on paper, and asked me to write it so that I would know. When I finally got the word right, I thanked him, and he asked why I wanted to learn how to write that particular word.
My dad found it funny and told my mom about it and she said I was a disgusting girl T____T
-----
In P1, I thought homework was optional and only did it when the teacher asked for it in class, so I frequently turned in my homework late (this remark is even reflected in my report card hahahaha). I also didn't understand the concept of a timetable and everyday I would bring all my books and files to school WTF. I would leave my exercise books at home only if I was sure we didn't need it that day, i.e., "Oh this piece of homework is not due today." (But because I didn't understand that homework was mandatory work I frequently left my exercise books at home even when we needed them)
So that year I did really bad and often got publicly embarrassed in class because our form teacher Mrs. Tien would pull my ear and make me stand in front of the whole class, or get me to stand up alone and have the class chant my name by asking, "Who didn't turn in her homework?" (Sometimes it wasn't only me who was alone in not handing in work on time though.) Wtf thinking back she is diabolical.
So in P2 I was extremely amazed and pleased with myself when I finally understood the concept of homework; finally, my bag magically seemed lighter and neater now that I knew how to arrange the books based on my timetable! And I was excelling academically that year. I was extremely proud of myself cos I'd thought that packing your bag is a secret that only I knew.
That first semester, I came in first in class. One night during the June holidays I was lying on the sofa with my leg propped up against my knee and my mom walked in, taking in the sight of my unglamorous lying position. She told me to stop watching TV and to go study. I then smugly replied, "我已经班上考第1名了，你还想要我怎样？" ("I'm already the first in class, what more do you want me to do?")
Ok shall stop now cos this post is getting too long and I wanna shower.
Merry Christmas (Eve) everyone.
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Sunday, December 23, 2012
I haven't been posting anything substantial because it seems like I've run out of things to say. It's a rather disturbing feeling because I do actually have a lot running through my mind but somehow that's all there is to it – everything just stays inside.
I've thought long and hard about writing about this. At first I thought writing about it would be good, because for years writing has been a source of comfort for me, it's like I force myself not to cry too much and I have the emotions flood through my fingers instead haha. The year is almost over soon and I guess I want to write this because I want some kind of peace. I don't want this turmoil anymore – it is like a poison surging through my bloodstream, eating away at me like a cancer. Hopefully by writing this I'll be able to purge this toxicity.
Whether or not I will publish this remains another matter – I might, or I might not, or I might post it and then regret it and then remove it. We shall see when I finish this post.
And I guess what I seek is closure. But isn't it ironic how it is through disclosure that I am trying to get there? Somehow the word seems apt here. The prefix "dis-" usually has a negative connotation, and often has to do with the taking apart/away of something, or as dictionary.com says, "having a privative, negative, or reversing force". Very often with closure, we have to come to terms with ourselves, be completely honest with how we feel, before we can make peace with ourselves and let go. I guess, then, closure can never come without disclosure – the stripping away of defenses we put up out of anger, bitterness, sadness or disappointment. I hope I can let this go real soon. Here we go.
I hate you. I really, really, hate you. It has been a long time since I can seriously say that I hate someone, I think the last time I felt this way towards someone was more than a year ago but I look back on that now and laugh because I know I was childish then. But with you, it's complex. I don't claim to be the most mature person around, but definitely an older soul than most people around me even though I'm younger than almost everybody else. And I've grown a lot in the past year or two. It's almost as if this is harder to let go of because my reasons for this hatred are well-founded and valid this time round. I have legit reasons to hate you but I know if I want to be a better person, the way I should be thinking is that "there should be no reason at all for any hate". And this I know. Which makes it all the more frustrating because it's a battle of logic and emotion. And I don't even know which side I'm on.
When I scoff scornfully about you or diss you in my conversations with my friends, I can feel a sense of incredulity in their reactions. They don't understand. When I tell them that I hate you and that I am so mad at you, they sometimes laugh as if to say, "Why can't you let it go?" But they're contrite enough to not chastise me – they sympathize and agree with me enough to bitch along with me about you, but not enough to dislike you the way I do. I understand where they're coming from. But they don't know why I feel so strongly about this. The more I think about this, the more I'm shaking in anger. Nobody has elicited this kind of reaction from me before.
And you, throughout the time I've had the "pleasure" of spending with you, you have elicited from me reactions that I had never known I had in me. In an ironic twist, I grew out of the whole episode a stronger person. I wish I could say that alone suffices for me to cede my resentment, but no, I cannot let this go (yet).
You live your life scot-free, wallowing in self-pity because you can, telling me that you'll keep me "in your prayers", as if that makes you the better person, and I the petty and unreasonable one. What is this injustice? Yes, perhaps I am petty for not letting this go. But even YOU, the arsonist that ignited this flame of fury, YOU don't even know what you did. You don't even know why I feel the way I do. And you know why? That's because you are fucked up.
But I can't blame you for being fucked up because it's not entirely your fault. But you think you're, oh, just about the most perfect person on Earth, WHICH MAKES IT INFINITELY MORE FRUSTRATING. It's like Blonde-and-Racist Hanna – I asked Michelle, "Is it offensive if I tell Blonde Hanna, 'I don't blame you for being racist, that's because I know your parents are racist too and that's the way you're brought up, which is why you're racist, so I don't blame you for being racist because it's not your fault per se'?" Michelle laughed and said that yes, it is offensive (I had guessed as much). BUT what I don't understand is – if it is the truth, then why is it still considered offensive?
Ok I digressed a little back there, but let's get back to the point. When I had initially thought of writing this post, I had thought of shaming you by explicitly detailing how fucked up you are, and all the things you did that left me like this. I have no idea if I'm going to do that, I still feel a little apprehensive because I know of the consequences. But if closure supposes complete disclosure – remember, we're talking about being honest with yourself here – why should I not write about it?
Let's not even go into the fights yet. Did you really think I had no idea what you were doing behind my back? Did you think you could outsmart and deceive me JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OLDER THAN I AM? BECAUSE YOU FELT YOU WERE MORE MATURE? DID THAT GIVE YOU SOME SENSE OF SELF-ENTITLEMENT? You were WRONG. Do you think I'm a fucking idiot? I knew every single thing you did, there is a reason why I have REAL friends and YOU DON'T. Friends that, I might add, stuck by me throughout the time you emotionally abused me. You make me sick.
And I bet you don't even understand what you did. You made me believe I was a bad person. You made me feel so small, you made me doubt my morals and beliefs. You belittled me and hurt me time and again when I always... Tried.... To be there for you.
I have never cooked anyone porridge and rushed to take a cab – AT PEAK HOUR, I WOULD LIKE TO ADD – to deliver it to him/her. I am ashamed that the first person I did this for, is you. You were not worthy of this honor.
I have never been at anyone's beck and call, have never had to give up my personal time unless it was for pressing matters. You made me fly to you time and again, or stay with you longer than I could when I had other things to attend to. Get a life – the whole world does not revolve around you.
I have never been shouted or yelled at for no good reason – except (sometimes) my parents and my secondary school P.E. HOD Teo Eikman HAHAHA but let's not go there – but THAT'S WHAT YOU DID. When you shouted at me – in public, do you even know how mortifying that was – something in me snapped and I am not trying to be dramatic when I say that I was heavily traumatized. Did you know that for days after that I didn't feel like doing anything? That I couldn't get to sleep that whole weekend? When you were banging your head on one of those poles that held up the rain shelter... Did you even think for a moment how that would make me feel? I was so scared you were going to hit me wtf. Honestly, if you turn out to be a wife-beater, I won't be surprised. You have all the makings.
And still I had to be there constantly cajoling you, smoothing over disputes with sugar-coated words, appeasing you with things you liked to hear even though it wasn't necessarily the complete truth just so you could feel good about yourself (and everyone knows how I hate that, everyone knows how much I detest lying like that). For you, I did above and beyond what I have ever done for anybody IN MY LIFE, all because I allowed you to convince me that I was the one with the problem.
Looking back, how could I ever have thought that way? No matter what I did, it was never enough. "You're not sweet at all", "Can you do more things to show that you care?", "Why you so guailan?", "I didn't want to tell you this, but you are damn selfish", "Sometimes I think to myself, 'Why is this bitch so fucking calculative?'", "Why didn't you use an emoji or 'haha' in your text? You not happy is it?"... OH SHUT THE FUCK UP. I hate you for saying all those things to me. Even though I now know that you were all wrong about me, that your grievances about me were untrue, all the things you said still run through my head. Sometimes I still lapse and wonder if you were right. And then I annoy my friends by asking them, "Do you all think I'm selfish?" or "Am I very calculative?" It is their reassurances that have allowed me to collect myself.
Lol k my anger has drained my energy for now I shall continue this next time.
Oh by the way, I am in Rome now.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
too wild and cool, vulnerable
I usually hate leaving my work uncompleted once I've started, but I shall leave my paper till tomorrow morning when I'm in a better state to write.
我还记得4年前的今天，当时的感受。
是和现在一样的。
不必等了 :-)
18岁的我，从14岁的我成长了好多。
今年的结果也会和当年的不一样，
因为现在的我和当年的我已经不一样了。
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Saturday, December 15, 2012
うみのしょうねん
Last night I dreamt of a boy.
He fell into the ocean and I thought he would drown so I jumped in to save him, but then he realized he could breathe underwater. And that was when he realized he belonged there. He swam deeper down.
He lived underwater and sunbathed with the dolphins.
I want to marry him.
But I'm asexual.
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Friday, December 14, 2012
sheep in fog
The hills step off into whiteness.
People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them.
The train leaves a line of breath.
O slow
Horse the colour of rust,
Hooves, dolorous bells—
All morning the
Morning has been blackening,
A flower left out.
My bones hold a stillness, the far
Fields melt my heart.
They threaten
To let me through to a heaven
Starless and fatherless, a dark water.
— Sheep in Fog, Sylvia Plath
I don't know why it matters so much to me now, when in the past it didn't matter at all.
This too shall pass, this too shall pass.
----------------------------
Now that I'm done with my papers for this week, guess what I'm doing?
GO KIRBY!!!!!
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Thursday, December 13, 2012
December
I can't believe that last year, this time, we were still filming for LocVid! And I was really really pissed at Dan then hahaha. I actually kind of miss those times, filming was fun albeit rather stressful!
Last year at this time, we were still in Year 1 in poly?!??!!
And my friends were still in JC! But now everyone's done with A'levels save for the retainees.
Last year, this month I:
was having an internal struggle (but then again I used to always have internal struggles hahaha)
was still attached, but would break up a few days later the day before my birthday hahaha
desperately looked forward to going to Japan...
... and then went to Hiroshima and stayed with my aunt, cousins and their paternal side of the family (and enjoyed it very much!)
saw Theo almost everyday cos of LocVid and all the other group projects (we were in all the same groups that semester)
had Kenny and Cheeyuan help us film for LocVid
got a heart-shaped cheesecake that Phoebe baked me for my birthday <3
celebrated my birthday early with part of T110 at the Thai restaurant (oh dear I can't remember the name of the road these shophouses are situated at... This is bugging me now)
watched 《那些年，我们一起追的女孩》
didn't dance for the month cos I was too busy with school
had strawberry shortcake during Christmas
This December has been good so far, surpassing the last one in various ways, but there are things I miss about the December of 2011.
Ok nao time to do my paper.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2012
hello I am asexual
I've got an exam this week and a 5 page paper due on Friday, and next week I have another exam and three more papers AND I WILL SURVIVE.
As usual Ginger Hannah is on the phone with her boyfriend (but hanging up) (ok no they've been trying to hang up for the past 5 minutes).
I really don't get all the mawkishness in a relationship. Like, I guess I just never really got it. I remember prior to my first serious relationship, I'd thought calling your boyfriend/girlfriend "baby" is disgusting HAHAHAHA. I don't think I've ever been one much for terms of endearment but in most of my past relationships I have always felt compelled to go along.
Today I was cyberstalking someone I knew (not intentionally, she came up on my Twitter feed and I got curious /defensive). She's attached now to somebody else and because her boyfriend's Twitter isn't private, I could see all their conversations. In the past even when she dated someone else, she has always been rather sweet, posting pictures of lunchboxes that she made, or just tweeting her boyfriend occasionally to commend him on his sweetness. On the flip side, she also tweeted a lot whenever they fought so I guess (I can only guess) that their relationship was a rather tumultuous one.
What I noticed though, is that the guy she's dating right now is quite alike her ex-boyfriend – possessive, insecure, and hot-blooded. Seeing her tweets cajoling him and reassuring him that she wouldn't leave him, I felt a sense of... Sympathy.
I have never been the expressive one in a relationship (lol too dao already). If I didn't feel a spontaneous, random burst of affection, I would almost never be really sweet or caring, the way many other girls are I guess. Like, I don't believe in saying "I love you" all the time because the meaning is lost with repetition. I always cringe inwardly when I have to call someone "dear" or other things along those lines. And when I didn't cringe, it means the act had solidified into a routine. When I said it, I didn't mean it as much anymore. Sometimes it felt okay, but most of the time I would make myself do it just because it seemed like the right thing to do, and it seemed like what I really felt inside was wrong.
Some dude I dated told me that I'm selfish. And calculative. And bitchy. It really hit me back then cos I didn't think I was being selfish at all. Or calculative. Or bitchy.
I don't really think there's anything wrong with me. I can't constantly pander to someone – what is wrong with that? I want someone who's able to take care of himself. Because if you can't take care of yourself, how are you gonna be able to care for other people?
I don't like to have to suck up to people and say sweet nothings and give compliments without truly having the heart to. Yes I have high expectations. Yes I sometimes feel hard-pressed to compliment people. But when I docompliment someone, you can be sure as hell that I really mean it.
Ok I'm stepping back from this a little and I'm realizing this is getting way too bitter haha.
I don't want to date anyone anymore cos everyone most people I have come across are stupid or messed up. But to be fair I suppose we are all stupid or messed up in some way or the other. I guess the people I've met are just not stupid or messed up in the ways that would really be suitable for me I guess hahahaha.
I think back on all the relationships I've had and many of them began as a result of immature decisions. I think back on the guys I've been drawn to and feel thankful I have nothing to do with them anymore cos most of them turned out to be losers (and/or incredibly bigoted; and/or with misogynistic tendencies).
GOD I HATE GUYS WHO ILL-TREAT GIRLS TO ASSERT THEIR "MANLY PRIDE". /raging feminist
Ok I need to calm down LOL.
In fact a couple of weeks ago I was whining to Sheryl about nursing a crush. I hate crushing on someone cos more often than not it leads to nothing. And then when I crush on someone I indulge in idiotic behavior, and I do/say things I usually wouldn't do/say if I were in a logical state of mind. It sucks because you focus all your attention on this one person, you get distracted and often can't think of much else, but more often than not what happens is: a) you realize that the person is actually a loser/douchebag/weirdo; b) the crush fades and you look back upon your behavior and feel disgusted with yourself; or c) nothing happens and nothing.is.going.to.happen and you just get crushed.
I hate crushing on someone hsodhiao;disaod;hsa /rage
Like the wise (Alicia) Khokhokrunch says, "Be asexual best la."
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
finals finals finals
Just a week and half more and I will be out of this place and in Europe with my family. I cannot wait to be out here because I cannot stand to hear Ginger Hannah's whining much longer. Thank God she's leaving early, on Friday, days before the semester ends for real. At last, some bit of peace after this prolonged period of being around her (ever since Thanksgiving break ended).
Christmas is also round the corner, and this being December people have started to decorate their doors. Ginger Hannah frequently has impulses to decorate our door but most of the time it ends up looking rather meh. Actually I don't see the huge fuss over decorating cos we're only gonna be in college for 18 days this month, and by the time we get back in January we'll have to take the decorations down cos Christmas would have been over by then. But that aside, I need to commend my neighbors on their decorations. I remember I was walking past to go shower when they started putting up their store-bought deco. They asked me what I thought and I said, "That looks... Impressive," hahahha
Behold Casey and Ureka's door!!!!!!
Blonde-and-Racist Hanna also got decorations for her door. She had wrapping paper over her door and this:
Which I honestly have to admit is rather cute, even though I quite dislike Blonde-and-Racist Hanna (because, if you couldn't already tell from her moniker, SHE'S RACIST)
So back to our door. Ginger Hannah came back from her trip to the store with Blonde-and-Racist Hanna all excited and cheery and announced, in her high-pitched and whiny voice, that "we should decorate our door"! I replied noncommittally with a "Hurhurhur" and took my stuff and went to shower. And then came back to this:
Of course I didn't tell Ginger Hannah right away that I thought it was ugly. I just shuffled into our room and thought to myself, "That looks like a bigass angbao."
And now our door is even uglier – it's a casualty from the attacks of the Stupid And Drunk Sophomores Who Always Party On The Weekends. A bit over half of the rooms in my hallway belong to sophomores and there's this group of them that always have guys over (which is nothing wrong I suppose) and every weekend they go out and party together. Which is also nothing wrong.
BUT IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU WALK AROUND IN YOUR DRUNKENNESS AND GO AROUND DESTROYING PEOPLE'S DOORS
DARE I SAY IT'S A CRIME? YES, IT'S A CRIME
There is now a tear in the red wrapping that covers our door (ok to be fair, this guy called Ian from downstairs knocked on our door before and accidentally ripped it but it wasn't so bad) all because these Stupid And Drunk Sophomores Who Always Party On The Weekends return after their night of partying on these weekends and thrash around in the hallway and caused the tear to go down even more. And I swear to God this is not the first time something like this has happened to our door – previously when we had boards you could write stuff on, every single time after I write something, I will wake up the next morning, or return from class/work one afternoon to find my messages erased D:< Them shenanigans /grits teeth
And as if they're not childish enough, these Stupid And Drunk Sophomores Who Always Party On The Weekends still wanna act cool and mysterious. Omg digressing a bit there's this sophomore girl with bangs and brown hair who is a total bitch. She always steals the bathroom sink in the morning from me and shoots me dirty looks when I get there before she does to brush my teeth and wash my face. Did I mention she's always in her bath robe in the morning? HEY BITCH IF YOU'RE THERE TO SHOWER THEN WHY DO YOU NEED THE SINK? I complained to Michelle about her and Michelle said that the other sophomores girls in our hallway call her "The Bitch" HAHAHAHAHA.
Ok back to my point. So these SDSWAPOWs also think they're really cool. On Friday Casey drove Michelle and I to Wal-mart and we shopped for a little bit. When we came back Casey found a note on her door.
And now I shall insert a picture I have stolen from Casey's Instagram:
What "xoxo Gossip Girl"?????? Omg why don't you stop your friends from tearing down people's stuff INSTEAD OF STICKING A NOTE ASKING PEOPLE TO BEWARE. I'm sure the decorations are a prettier sight than ugly guys stumbling down the hallway drunk. Obviously, the right choice would be to bar these drunk people from thrashing about in the hallways and tearing down people's decorations, NOT keeping the decorations in!
(While we are on the topic of guys: I told Michelle and Ureka that this whole semester I've only seen two guys who are cute; one of them is gay, and the other most likely is too. So just now when we had dinner at Brooks, we sat there and watched people stream in the main door and tried to watch out for cute guys. After half an hour we did not spot a single cute guy.)
Omg I really cannot tolerate stupid and juvenile people.
And then on Friday night we went for a Gingerbread House Making contest. BUT NO ONE WANTED TO SHARE CRACKERS AND ICING, THE THINGS YOU NEED MOST TO BUILD A GINGERBREAD HOUSE. And the organizers were stupid also la they didn't think to get more supplies. Also, this group of girls (why do I suspect they are sorority girls? Nonono I mustn't be judgmental) hogged 2 boxes of crackers to themselves and refused to share. Their final product was this tall tower. And there was this other group that didn't use a lot of crackers but still managed to produce a beautiful trail (with powder at the side for a snowy effect) that led to a small house. We didn't stay long enough for the results (cos we were too pissed) but I hope the latter group won :-)
I think our house is quite outstandingly done, considering the fact that we used a cardboard box (which we took from McKinley's) and mayo lolol.
This weekend, instead of mugging hardcore for finals, I spent way too much time.... Watching Singaporean dramas on xinmsn ._.
I never knew watching Singaporean dramas could be so therapeutic, but as I devoured episode after episode, I laughed and laughed and snorted even though the plot lines were so cheesy and ridiculous. I watched Poetic Justice, the Channel 8 drama about investigative journalism – I think the existence of this drama is quite ironic actually, considering how government-controlled the media is in Singapore. Whether or not we will see an investigative news program soon in Singapore remains to be seen, but I highly doubt this will happen anytime soon.
But but but, I also watched Of Love & Hidden Charms and I loved it! I got somewhat miffed when Ming left and Marcus kisses Christel and she thinks happily to herself, "Well, when one door closes, another opens." Hey excuse me how can you be so fickle about your relationships?!?!?! But I really liked the show overall, I thought it was very cute. And Rebecca Lim is gorgeous /spasms I think it has been years since I've had a tangible reaction to a celebrity hahahaha. Oh and this is quite mean but I kept laughing during the show also because of Romeo Tan's (who plays Marcus) bad enunciation....... Omg I really cannot take it hahahhahaha I know it's quite mean but I just can't help it
Actually life is quite awesome <3
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I want to have a belief and conviction so strong, so strong
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Thursday, December 6, 2012
我在做什么。
So one, two, three take my hand and come with me 'Cuz you look so fine That I really wanna make you mine I say you look so fine That I really wanna make you mine Four, five, six c'mon and get your kicks Now you don't need that money When you look like that, do ya honey?
Work today was actually really good, did a lot of stuff at work and my bosses weren't mad at me hahahahahhaha.
I printed out a bunch of pictures of celebs and pretty girls to stick around my table and now Ureka and Michelle are accusing me of using "thinspo" LOL whut. I am not anorexic seriously hahaha I still eat A LOT and I eat whatever I want. Ureka was flipping through my stack of pictures and she saw a picture I had printed of Misty (my favorite Pokémon character) and said, "What is this she's not even real she's a cartoon character!!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHA but I printed a picture of her because I like her feistiness. I also have a picture of Betty Cooper.
This evening I attended a meeting organized by some Asian upperclassmen. They were all really nice and I liked the meeting, although I didn't speak much. Actually I was still somewhat intimidated cos not all of them are fully Asian, most of them are Asian American and/or half-American, half-Asian. That makes me feel rather intimidated, as if somehow they're not... Wholly... Asian, to me. I mean they are really, really nice and I appreciate that, but because they are Asian American there are slight differences from what I've grown up believing an Asian should be like. The good thing is, the meeting made me realize that my definition and ideas of what an Asian is has been very narrow, and I'm glad the meeting expanded my viewpoints.
Tomorrow will be even better.
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Monday, December 3, 2012
In an effort to remind myself to stay positive and stop thinking about how things didn't go my way today I am going to post pictures of puppies. Last night I snuggled into bed and, in the dark, convulsed over pictures of puppies on Instagram HAHAHAHA
These are schnoodle puppies (a schnauzer-poodle cross breed). AREN'T THEY ADORABLE
Actually, there is a lot to be thankful for and happy about today. Like for instance, lunch today was good. I actually had vegetables, like real stir-fried vegetables for the first time in a long time. They were put in a sandwich, but still. It was spinach fried with garlic and it was so good.
ABC meeting was fun as usual, I laughed a lot. We're going to have a formal in January and we were voting for themes and in the end we decided on "Under the Sea". It was exactly what I wanted :-)
And it was warm-ish today! 15ºC! I could wear leggings out.
The day was also quite productive cos I met with Jess (Schombert) and we discussed out points for the deer debate tomorrow, and the research I did over the weekend paid off cos now it seems like I'm actually more well-informed about the aims and goals of the other groups. It's going to be difficult to defend our group but I think we are going to do well :)
Also printed out a bunch of (albeit pixelated,) really pretty pictures today, I am going to stack them up on the wall.
Yesterday I met my sister at Brooks for dinner and after nearly a semester in this college I finally saw a cute guy (again) LOL. The last time I saw one was at the start of the semester (saw him cos I was hanging out with Elizabeth) but he's gay HAHAHAHAHA. This time round we saw this guy cos we were standing at the toaster toasting bread and he came over to get bread too. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and this is interesting cos I don't usually think blondes are cute lol. He said to me, "I can just take that from you if it's OK," and I passed him the packet of bread I was holding onto. It was only then I noticed that he was quite cute so I smirked and mumbled to my sister, "Eh 这个男的蛮帅的,"
Omg I need to stop thinking about the topic of the last post I refuse to talk about it even though by typing this I'm making myself think about it.............
15 days to the end of the semester yay
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woes about work
This is terrible. I forgot to go to work again today (even though today is only a meeting for an hour) because....... I WAS SLEEPING.
How many times has it been? I think 2 or 3. Yeah, 2 or 3 times this semester that I forgot to go into work because I WAS SLEEPING.
I set my alarm for 3.20 because I thought it would be good to wake up then and prepare for work, which is at 4. I woke up even before my alarm and then I looked at my phone and somehow thought to myself that work is at 5. So I reset my alarm to 4.20 and in the end when I woke up again, this time also without the aid of the alarm, I realized work is at 4 and I screamed and fell out of my bed.
And then I sent an email lying and saying I have a "meeting for Asian students" but forgot to send the email out cos it was "stuck in my drafts" HAHAHAHHA this is also not the first time I've concocted an excuse and sent an email out late. I think they know I'm lying. I HOPE I DON'T GET FIRED LOL
But on a good note, now that I've taken a nap, my eyes look really bright!
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Saturday, December 1, 2012
Every feeling every word I've imagined it all
I really don't know what you're thinking. At this point I would not like to compare you to Morsi because he's an unsavory figure HAHA but the similarities are there. Like I had said in class today, of Morsi: “I'm really confused as to what exactly he's trying to do.” And that's simply how I feel about you, your intentions completely elude me.
But I guess maybe this is a matter of patience. Time has the power to enhance and restore, and often changes the most painful sorrow into a pleasant memory. This feeling of vulnerability from being plunged into the unknown scares me, but I will learn to quiet my heart and wait in peace.
And for those of you who are wondering, no wtf this post has nothing to do with dating someone or anything else of that sentiment.
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I feel a huge influx of emotions now I feel like Florence Nightingale when she wrote "Cassandra", only not as angry/frustrated/bitter.
It's Friday night and people are out partying, hello people it's 2 weeks to finals why are you all still out partying?????? I can here shouting outside my window now. Someone's shouting, "SAYKO! SAYKO!" I happen to know that that's what they're saying for sure because there is a guy by the name of Ryan Sayko in my class hahahaha.
Today was good, but let's start with the week first.
On Tuesday I was working assiduously on my Women's Studies paper (omg I hope I get an A, I have a really good feeling about my paper this time round) and flipping my textbooks furiously to scour for quotes HAHAHAHA and I had my earphones plugged in and classical music playing cos Hannah decided to, um, whinge over the phone again. I slept at 2 AM.
The next morning I woke up and went for classes as usual. And then after classes ended for the day I was upset about something and sent Michelle a querulous text about it, and when I got back to our room I found Michelle solemn and very serious, which is not like her. "Geoff left, by the way, if you didn't notice. He left at like 12 AM last night," she said. Geoff had stayed over after sending her back to school from Thanksgiving weekend.
"Oh, did he? I thought he left this morning. I didn't realize he left at all last night, and I slept at 2."
"Yeah, well, his mom passed away," she said. AND THEN I FELT SO BAD WHINING ABOUT HOW I HAD GOTTEN AN A- FOR MY ARAB SPRING CLASS. Suddenly my problems seemed inconsequential.
Ok perhaps this is really mean but I didn't have a good impression of Geoff's mom although I had never met her, cos Michelle had told me a little about her. Michelle said she didn't like her, because she would bitch behind people's backs and yet when she sees said people she bitches about she acts ultra friendly to them. And Michelle also recounted an incident when she was at Geoff's house and Geoff's mom was quarreling with her husband (Geoff's dad, that is). And Geoff's mom had yelled at him, "YOU HAVEN'T FUCKED ME IN 17 YEARS!" Ok I know it's rather crude lol but I found it really funny, especially now when I think of Michelle's reaction to that hahahaha. She did like a ghetto finger swag and said, "Way too much info," HAHAHA
And even though Geoff's mom had furiously expostulated with him for not voting for Romney, Michelle said Geoff cried really bad after learning about his mom's death. And now I feel bad for laughing at the antics of a dead person, particularly so because I have never even met said person sigh.
On Thursday Michelle took a short leave of absence from her classes, left campus and returned home to accompany Geoff. I feel sympathetic, but I don't know what to say. "Tell Geoff I'm sorry," I told Michelle, but how is that helpful, really? What else can you say, really?
So everyone, please, when I die, don't cry (lol this sounds rather pompous to say). During my funeral everyone will eat good food and laugh, and it will be a celebration of my life. Hopefully my life would be awesome enough for people to have things to laugh about :-) Oh yes and I would like to be cremated please, and please scatter my ashes into someplace romantic like the ocean WTF.
Back to today. I turned in my 2 papers today, and these are the last pieces of work for these 2 classes (apart from the final exam and take-home essays for final, of course) so in that sense I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm always glad when I finish writing my papers but it's only in the moment when I finally turn them in that the true sense of freedom pervades me.
Today was a peaceful day, and then I took an afternoon nap and had a dream. I'm not going to go into the details of the dream but it was very realistic, like it could really happen in reality. I woke up very very very confused and perturbed.
Walked downtown for dinner with my sister, and then we went to Walmart to shop for stuff. We discussed what our kids would call us in the future LOL my brother's kids would call my sister 大姨, and our kids would call my brother 舅舅. And if not they would call her "Auntie Huining" HAHAHAHAHA. It feels very strange, like somehow we're not very befitting of these titles because they're so adult-like and all! I will turn 18 in 18 days ON THE 18TH (hurhurhur Kelly always told me, "Last year I turned 17 on the 17th!") but I shall insist that I am 17 forever :-)
So as you might have guessed from the start of the post, I have started to read some of Florence Nightingale's writing for English class. We all have images of her being this motherly, gentle and aery figure that corresponds with her appellation "Lady with the Lamp" but after reading about her this preconceived notion I've had of her has been shattered. She was actually racist (I don't know how to go into this without going off on a tangent, so I shall refrain from explaining) and extremely aversive to marriage. As we would expect, she died unmarried. She was so against marriage that she felt a sense of betrayal whenever one of her nurses decided to get married. Reading about her made me feel like she was a 17th century female version of Steve Jobs cos she was a demanding workaholic –
"Florence Nightingale continued to perform staggering amounts of work for the rest of her long life. That any of her colleagues should desire a personal life enraged her. When her Aunt Mai, who had accompanied her to the Crimea and remained with her afterward, wanted to return home to visit her own family, Nightingale broke with her for twenty years. She refused to recognize, when Sidney Herbert was dying, that work was beyond his capacities. When Mary Clarke paid a rare visit to England, Nightingale would not interrupt her daily schedule of work for even a brief visit!"
Introduction to Cassandra,Myra Stark
Sounds like a bitch if you ask me. After reading all of this I feel like she did her work more to gain a sense of achievement that would satisfy herself psychologically, and not really out of of compassion. But admittedly she really did contribute to the advancing the field of nursing.
Ok abrupt end of post because I need to sort out my feelings.
