Wednesday, January 30, 2013
week 3 day 3
Today. Morning... What did I do this morning?
I was roused from slumber earlier than usual today... I woke up naturally at 8. Prepared to go out and all that, the usual routine.
FS was awesome as usual, I spoke up in class today too so that was an added plus. Math was a little confusing but still manageable! The quiz was fine, and we learnt more about limits.
Lunch at McKinley's alone; enjoyed the solitude.
Had vegan sloppy joe and it was so-so. OH I was so mad about something, I overindulged in food during lunch. Had the vegan sloppy joe, which was really minced meat between burger buns, and some chips on the side. Too. Much. Carbs. And to make matters worse, I had another scone. Thankfully I drank water.
Lied to Jesse, said I was going into work late when really I went to look for Professor Mattiace for her office hours. (Oops, I hope my supervisors don't see this. Sorry Jesse!)
Asked her to help me with my recommendation letters and at once she launched into her response, which was to discourage me from transferring. I felt like it was a battle persuading her of my reasons to transfer when this decision is purely personal. I am not making this decision to transfer for stupid reasons like not being to make friends, or things like that; my reasons are solid and whole. But she's really methodical and likes to draw the line between professional and private lives really thick, so when I offered to tell her my personal reasons (besides the academic ones) for transferring, she immediately baulked at this (like, not literally, but I could tell she was opposed to the idea) and said something about not wanting to intrude into my personal life.
In the end she agreed to write the letters for me, but I already know it's going to be a template for sure, not like how Professor Shaw is going to tailor-make my letters for me. Mattiace specifically mentioned that she's ok with writing about me "as a student [in her classes]"... Which means, she's only going to write about my academic capabilities as a student, which suffices; but she's not going to write a letter that will really let the admissions officers know who I am as a person, which is a huge drawback... Sigh. Maybe I should have let Rich write my letter after all, but I'd just thought Mattiace was a good choice because I'd gotten A-s in both her classes and I knew she knew I was a hardworking student.
But anyway after that I went to take pictures on campus (well I went to two places only, really) to pretend like I was really working instead of sitting in Mattiace's office convincing/begging her to write my letters for me.
And then I went back to the room, got my laptop and went to work. Work was fine. It feels awesome having to sit at that cubicle (or "The Social Media Nook", as Jesse has christened it) for only an hour!
After work, idled around in the room for an hour talking to Michelle and doing other random things, and then dinner at Brooks with her and Ureka.
Natalya sat down with us for dinner, she is my new inspiration. She only had a jackfruit and some other small thing for dinner??? How does she survive! But it's not just eating healthy/little, she wakes up at 6 AM EVERY. SINGLE. DAY (except maybe the weekends? I'm not sure) to go to the gym to work out. And I'm pretty sure she works out everyday, and it's not the kind of workout like mine (er, my routine involves running/walking for 15~30 minutes, going on the bicycle machine for 15 minutes if I'm free), she told me that her workout consists of: a run on the treadmill, the rowing machine, the elliptical machine, and an abs workout. SUCH DEDICATION. We joked and I told her I'll print out her picture and stick it up on my inspiration board.
Came back from dinner read a little showered and read some more Michelle gave me popcorn washed my makeup brushes now I'm here typing goodbye.
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Sunday, January 27, 2013
stresssssss
I am immensely stressed right now so here I am blogging so that I won't implode within myself. Above are some pictures I have collected from Instagram and Path over the past 2 years or so that remind me of a time where I wasn't as stressed. Probably, at those points in time these pictures came out I was facing some other sorts of pressure from life but all I remember now is the respite, even if it was of a transitory nature, that these pictures brought.
I guess this is how applying to colleges is. Today I woke up with my mind swirling about college applications. How familiar it is, this feeling, I'd felt it back when I was applying to get into college. Now, it's a little different, I'm applying as a transfer. But I think it gets to a point where everything you've been trying to hold up crashes down on you, and that's how it is for me right now.
I think I am managing ok... I'm on the right track, but again it's just the uncertainty that is killing me. I have no idea if I'm going to get accepted, I don't know why this struck me hard the moment I woke up this morning. I've been trying to build a confidence, one that tells myself I will definitely get accepted. I need this to pull me through till the decision letters are sent. But today I cannot push away these doubts anymore and they're settling themselves down in the room of my mind, making themselves comfortable in the couches and helping themselves to the snacks on the coffee table.
Uncertainty scares me most of all, it always has. From a rational perspective I have already accepted the knowledge that there is nothing in life to fear because even if you have failed in some way or the other, maybe that's just a foundation for something even greater. Yesterday I could have done so much, but I squandered away a lot of my precious time watching Harry Potter and JK Rowling documentaries on YouTube. JK Rowling said that "rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life". So I know that if I am really rejected, it's not the end of the world and I'd just try to see it as a starting point for something even better. But it's just...
I would be so, so disappointed if I don't get into Moho. I will be so crushed. After all this effort too.... After all this money I'm about to spend, just to go there for an interview.
Although the A'levels results aren't out yet I know plenty of my friends would be feeling this stress too (or perhaps some are experiencing it already), when the time comes for them to take a leap forward to the next step of their lives. I hope you all know you're not alone.
I shan't go on any longer, I have many things I have to do for today. Well I'm actually excited to do these things I have on a list in front of me but if only this worry would stop bothering me......
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Thursday, January 24, 2013
On left – campus in October when it was still fall.
On right – campus in January where it is now winter for real. :(
Yeah I think the pictures are pretty too but please remember they're heavily edited for Instagram... Lol. Not that it wasn't pretty when I was right there taking these pictures, it was, but the colors just weren't as vibrant. But not as dull as... Singapore... either. I don't know. The sky just seems prettier the further you are from the equator.
It's been 2 weeks into the new semester and I am adjusting well to the snow and routine.
It has become a habit to wake up by 8.30 every morning, as much as it has become a ritual to stamp my feet on the doormat once I step indoors to shake off the snow on my boots.
I've always been a night person but mornings are just so awesome now. I can't afford to laze around in bed (unless it's in the weekends but even then I try not to), but the feeling of being warm under the covers when it's all cold and icy outside... Glorious.
Considering buying a domain name for my blog. Not that I'm a big shot blogger or anywhere near that range, but I figured that the chances of me not blogging anymore are close to none so I may as well get a domain name because they're so cheap now and having your URL like XXX[.]com just seems way cool heh.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2013
goodbye, MSN
So I gather most people should know by now that MSN will be obliterated with effect from March 15 (users from China will still be able to use it I don't know why hahaha), and all users are encouraged to migrate to Skype, if they haven't already. I feel strangely affected, like part of my childhood and a major part of adolescence is being destroyed.
I love MSN so much, I kept all my chat logs. Now that I'm using a Mac (used to own a Sony VAIO), I transferred all my files over, and among these files were my chat logs. I'd always known I wanted to keep them because... I am just nostalgic like that. Strangely my chat logs only go as far back as November 2008 – I later realized this was the month I'd gotten my laptop. The rest of my chat logs are in the desktop I'd been using before getting my laptop, and this desktop no longer exists lol.
I randomly opened a chat log and just burst out laughing.
And this is why I like to keep things like these. I'm sure everyone all had esoteric language and inside jokes in their schools. For a period in time everyone in my school used "displeasing" and "disturbing", I know it doesn't sound funny now that I'm typing it but trust me, it was so cool back then and we all laughed when someone used it. If you were there you would have laughed too. And looking at this chat log now, I cannot believe I actually forgot we used the term "yao nie" to scold someone HAHAHAHAHA.
I used to talk on MSN for hours on end. I started when I was in P4 (didn't use it actively), and then from P5 or P6 I started using it a lot and never looked back. It's funny cos people (at least those from Fuhua???) don't think I'm a shy person, but really I just made my way through MSN. Because it is so much easier to hide behind a computer screen. I spoke to people online and got to know them better, and then when I felt closer to them it got easier to talk to them in person. Soon I grew to have enough confidence, and realized that sometimes not even MSN can salvage awkward conversations with people when you've just met them... So you have to just put yourself out there and be more proactive.
But I digress. Certainly, everyone loved talking on MSN. That was before Facebook and Twitter came in and ruined things. Because before then, MSN was the only possible avenue to talk to your friends for as long as you want, and for free.
Remember the days of limited SMS? Where you'd have to pay 5 cents for each message that exceeds your 500- or 1000-message (depending on your phone plan) limit? I knew it very well because I had suffered from sending out too many texts, and just shortly before unlimited texting was introduced I had just renewed my plan. WHICH MEANS I WAS STUCK WITH A 500-A-MONTH TEXT LIMIT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE HAD ALREADY MIGRATED TO UNLIMITED TEXTING (or Wifi, for the more advanced ones).
Look, it's my Sony Ericsson z610i! My very first phone. And an ahlian cap behind wtf.
I actually really miss phones with buttons as keyboards. Will they ever come back? And no, I do not want to use a Blackberry.
Among many of my fondest memories of secondary school life, some in particular stand out more than the others, and plenty of them were facilitated by MSN. Hours whizzed by as I talked to Darryl and Kelila, laughing about Mr Phor and other school gossip. I maintained friendships with many people I didn't get to see often – all because of MSN. It was also where I exchanged songs with many people ("Eh send me some songs"), and got to know so many good ones cos Darren Toh had sent them to me.
It's not just all the happy things. MSN was the cause of many of my parents' admonishments – "Why are you spending so much time on the computer?!" I got dumped over MSN, and cried in front my laptop with the incriminating MSN chat window open in front of me. And continued to cry in front of my laptop throughout the months I spoke to my friends on MSN, sometimes trying to conceal my sadness, sometimes trying to work through it.
Had it not been for my friends, I probably would have taken longer than I did to get over it. And had it not been for MSN, I probably would be a lot less wiser, I probably would have missed out on many life-changing conversations.
Texting and Twitter are just not the same, because in MSN everything is instantaneous, you see messages getting bumped up on screen in real time, and it makes it feel as if the conversation IS happening right in front of you in real time. Facebook Messenger doesn't compare, because it's just a small box at the corner of the window and Facebook's reason for existence is not solely for conversation, the way MSN is.
I loved MSN so much. Even as 'O' Levels started rolling by and people abstained from going online, much less go online on MSN; as Facebook creeped in and undergirded its deep presence in our lives and people jumped ship to Facebook Messaging; as Twitter got popular and people started tweeting incessantly; as people migrated to Skype because of the free voice call function... I never budged. I stayed on MSN. And sadly, it got boring because hardly anyone went on MSN any more to talk.
"Sign up on Twitter! It's the newest thing!"
"Just Facebook message me!"
I stayed put on MSN. But soon, I couldn't NOT Skype actively anymore. It was necessary for projects in poly, and it was what everyone used. "Just for pragmatic reasons, I'll use Skype," I told myself. But MSN was soon forgotten.
We all know that we now live in an age of speed. Messages are short, just make your point and go, I'm so busy oh God I have so many things to do. I honestly wonder... WHO would bother to read the whole of this blog post without skimming? If you did, I applaud you, you're either very patient or I'm just extremely riveting (:-P heh).
That being said, when was the last time you sat down and talked to someone, committing all your attention to the conversation? Without stopping halfway to check your Twitter feed? Or without stopping to reply to a Whatsapp message that probably isn't even as important as the conversation going on in person? I'm guilty: I haven't had a proper conversation in months. At least not one where I'm totally deep and into it.
I guess I just miss, and appreciate a conversation where people are actually paying complete attention to one another, because these conversations don't come by as easily or often anymore. For me I just kinda realized that they started disappearing as MSN got less popular. But maybe that's just me.
In any case, goodbye, MSN. You will be dearly missed.
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Saturday, January 19, 2013
Kikkoman
Stupid/funny conversation with Cheeyuan, from some months ago:
From Boston! I find the brand name so catchy. Kikkoman Kikkoman Kikkoman.
This is awesome. They should sell this in school.
Unpacking.
Meadville weather. Sigh.
From Sheryl. I stuck it up on my desk where I can see it everyday.
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Friday, January 18, 2013
The Sunglasses Theory
After lunch today I stepped out into the sunshine and -8°C cold, making my way down Park Avenue to the Financial Services Office.
The sun smiled at me gracefully and I tried to return the smile, but on reflex squinted my eyes instead. And then a revelation of epic proportions struck me.
After 18 years of living, I have finally achieved a state of enlightenment. I can't believe I didn't see it before, but now the answer seems so clear and simple, it's laughable that I had missed it before.
People wear sunglasses so they don't have to squint when the sun gets in their eyes, therefore preventing lines and wrinkles around their eyes. Genius.
I am deeply inspired by this newfound knowledge.
(No I am not stupid. I do know that people wear sunglasses as a fashion statement/because the sun is too glaring/to protect their eyes from UV rays and consequently, cataracts)
xxxxx
Some time ago it occurred to me that we always swear in English and Hokkien (at least in Singapore). We've got our "fuck"s and "cheebye"s and "lanjiao"s and the like but DO YOU REALIZE WE NEVER EVER SWEAR IN CHINESE. And of course since all the swear words we use actively are involved with sexual organs or sex in one way or the other, it occurred to me that... I had no idea what the Chinese equivalent of these terms are.
So just now at Walmart while we were waiting for the shuttle bus to take us back on campus, we asked Tang Qiyi. She was very shy about it, and hesitant to tell us. "不要啦！说出来那么难听！" After much persuasion she acquiesced and told us she'd type it out on her phone.
"阴..." I was about the read it out when Tang Qiyi cried, "不要念出来啦！"
So I didn't. But actually it is really not that bad, I didn't think it sounded that bad or distasteful (but the female one sounded better).
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
the heart and eyes
Dear friend, last night I dreamt of you.
Let me share with you how it unfolded.
xxxxxx
The fire alarm went off at 7.30 AM this morning. It freaked me out cos I was alone in the room, and there was hardly anyone back on my floor (or so it seems. Although there are signs of activity in the hallways I still haven't seen most of the people yet). I was half-tempted to stay in but I threw myself out of bed, stumbling around for my coat and boots.
Isn't it strange how when we were younger, we always think we would get braver when we get older? At least, that's what I believed. As a child I was always very easily terrified – even suspenseful background music on TV shows could freak me out. I always imagined there were ghosts or spirits watching me whenever I was alone (well, sometimes not alone) in the dark. But I always told myself that it was okay, because when I'm older, I'll be brave and these things won't scare me anymore. As I grew older, yeah, things changed; I developed an immunity, my level of tolerance for gore and horror heightened. But deep down I am still the same – the heart that beats within me today belonged also to the little girl who crowded her bed with toys because she believed they were company. And so even though I was tempted to stay in bed, the alarm frightened me and I made myself join the others outside in the cold, waiting for security to come turn the alarm off.
And people were talking. I stood at the edge of the top step, my back turned away from everybody else because I didn't want to socialize. Who the fuck sets off the fire alarm at 7.30 – this thought ran through my head repeatedly. Simultaneously I tried to convince myself there was no point getting pissed because we are all out here in the cold already anyway. Eavesdropped on people's conversations and got amused at how act cute one of the angmoh girls were. She is shorter than I am.
Finally the alarm stopped blaring and the lights stopped flashing. I tromped back upstairs and surprisingly only Serafina was behind me. When I opened the door to our hallway, there was only one other person. I knew some others had already returned to campus, so how could it be that there was only Serafina, the random dude, and I? Them bastards, I cursed, They must have stayed in their rooms.
"How was your break?" Serafina asked.
"Good," I answered noncommittally, turning the door knob on my room door. And then I gave a fake yawn. "I'm so sleepy."
Serafina laughed. "We'll catch up later," she said, as I closed my door shut. I pulled my feet out of my boots and shrugged out of my coat, throwing it on the floor. I hurled myself back up onto my bed, laid down and closed my eyes. Sleep eluded me, I was too awake now to fall back into sleep easily but I was determined to try. My mind drifted and floated, and then I thought of what I did last night. I thought of you. And my eyes flew open.
You were in my last conscious thoughts before I had fallen into slumber. And that triggered a recollection of the images that played in my mind in the hours before the fire alarm wrecked my sleep. I closed my eyes again and there it was.
xxxxxx
We were in uniform, standing around Yang laoshi in what is supposed to be two lines. School excursions don't come by often, but every time they do it seems like we defeat the purpose of it by fooling around.
Definitely, this was no exception. X and I were talking amongst ourselves at the back of our group. Light filled the space around us and I found us in Vivo City. Then I blinked and found myself sitting at the back of a conference room/classroom – still in Vivo City – and a lesson of sorts was taking place there. Not surprisingly, X was sitting next to me.
We listened to what the lecturer was saying for a while, and then I looked at X and tried to make light of was just being said. But X snapped at me, annoyed. It was confounding, considering moments ago we were still prattling on heartily before we came into the classroom. I tried again and again to talk to her, but it was always the same – X would glare at me and dish out a scolding. Soon I got mad and we started quarreling, quietly, the way you do when you want to talk in class but not get called out.
I can't remember what X said at last, but it must have been immensely frustrating because at this point I turned away from her. I closed my eyes again, feeling the hot tears brimming underneath my eyelids. The eyes that help me see today belonged also to the little girl who had her eyes shut to contain tears that threatened to overspill, whenever it was that they came.
When it felt okay, like I could manage, I opened my eyes again, and there on the grey table in front of me was a packet of tissue (sidenote: lol Theo's blog URL. I swear this is not intentional). I turned to look at the person whose hand offered the packet to me, and found that X still looked mad... But not as mad as before? I'm not sure. Can't tell. But I grabbed a piece of tissue out of the pack anyway, folded it, pressed it to the rims of my eyes – closed, once again – seeping away the tears. It has always been how I wiped my tears away, even as a little girl.
And I thought it would end there, but it didn't. I could not stop crying – suddenly the tears gushed out and a bawl escaped my lips. Innately I could tell this was the beginning of an outburst. Everyone turned to look at me but I fled, hiding my face in the tissue.
A plant shop appeared in front of me once I dropped the tissue, and I regarded it with my red, swollen eyes. The lady at the counter stood there somewhat mechanically, as if she was not real, a robotic Nurse Joy.
"Can I see the doctor, please," I asked her. "My eyes are really swollen."
No response. I took it as a no. I walked across the shop, passing by a clear glass window that revealed a dark, empty room. In my reflection, the skin around my eyes were red and my eyelids were puffy.
I ran and found Yang laoshi, seated at a canteen table next to another teacher, a bunch of paperwork before them. I sat myself down across from her and opened my mouth immediately as she registered my presence and regarded me with a steely narrow of the eyes.
"I'm sorry I ran off," I apologized.
Her expression did not change.
"I had an argument with X," I explained desperately. "I'm sure you know she's my best friend... I'm sorry for running away, but I just felt really bad. And I didn't want to cry in front of everyone."
Yang laoshi still looked displeased, but in her eyes I could see she had relented. I smiled, and the light filled up the space around us.
xxxxxx
"那又和苦呢"
Eyes open.
The question resonated in my head. Last night I'd asked myself the same thing, conjured an answer, but now it seems it has been completely erased.
"I'm doing it because I want to"
But what do I get in return? Perhaps asking for things in return is selfish of me. How telling this is, of my character?
I just thought we were more than this.
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Friday, January 11, 2013
I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
Mounds and mounds of snow.
And I suppose one would think of a winter wonderland. White, pure, pristine; the winter wind a cool, soothing calm.
But it is quite the contrary. The snow, not freshly fallen, has been lying upon the grass for weeks. The snow has mingled too much with the dirt to maintain its purity – it has assumed the color of grit.
It is the weekend before the new semester, and Meadville received me with its quiet charm when I returned on Wednesday. But it's a charm that only exists after students vacate the campus, and this peace is slowly dissipating as people begin to inhabit their rooms. It's like the buildings, the walls, they're coming back to life again sensing the presence of other beings. This morning I woke up and heard the sound of raucous cheering – I had thought it was the students who had stayed on campus, still rallying around after a night of reckless abandon, but when I stepped out of my room to wash up I realized the sound came from my right. It was the heater in the corridor kicking up again.
I'm not terribly excited about the start of the new semester; but I'm not dreading it, either. I'm not very fond of this place; but I don't hate it, either. On Wednesday night when I opened the door to my room again, after nearly a month, a sense of surreality pervaded me. As I settled back into the routine – taking my showers in that particular cubicle, lugging a bag full of clothes three floors down to do my laundry... It is strange, like everything is so familiar, but so foreign at the same time hahaha.
It's the socializing that I dread most. I don't even know what people talk about here lol. The past month has left me in an exceptionally reclusive state. Oh yes I also deleted Facebook and Twitter off my phone so I guess I won't be using them as often anymore. Please catch me on Whatsapp if there's anything.
Ok enough whining. There's loads to be thankful about. I checked my mailbox yesterday and it was full with letters heh. One came from Mount Holyoke, and others were stuff like, oh, bank letters, yadda yadda. But most importantly I got letters from Ka Min and Kelila, and that made me happy. AND also Sheryl's bag full of pens <3 I haven't opened your letter yet Weiwei but I'll do it later LOL. Still unpacking the stuff from my trip. Oh oh and I bought a Kindle and it is on the way!!!!
I got my hair cut at a random salon in Chinatown in Boston. Well it's not exactly random cos I actually searched online and the reviews were largely positive, but the haircut has triggered the start of my new look as a cross between an auntie and a student. I can't believe my hair is back like this again, now I'm like an ahlian in my secondary school days. My hair is at that awkward phase between long and short and that makes everything ten times worse. Oh well on the positive side all my split ends are gone (I think the hairdresser got too carried away cutting away my split ends and cut my hair too much even though I only told her to cut it a little bit) and now my hair is kinda soft haha. Hopefully by the time I return to Singapore I will look more decent.
Ok back to unpacking.
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Sunday, January 6, 2013
I am still in Boston. I love this place but part of me yearns to return to college because it marks the end of my holidays and the start of a new school term – because of this I still feel like the year hasn't started for real yet. And actually the only reason I want to go back is because I want to get the semester over with LOL.
Honestly there is no reason for writing this post. I was just reading some blogs and felt a sudden emotional surge and now I feel like writing but... What about, I'm not sure.
So I was reading blogs and this being the start of 2013, plenty of people have posted their New Year Resolutions. I'm no exception to making New Year Resolutions but this time round I'm just gonna keep them in my journal haha. But comparing my resolutions to that of other people's made me realize one thing: my resolutions are utterly self-centered hahahaha. Technically, though, since a resolution is kind of a wish that someone makes, doesn't that mean every resolution is, in some way or the other, selfish? Ok actually no, this doesn't make sense. Scratch that.
If who we are today is a sum of events of the past, then surely our New Year Resolutions are wishes inspired by these events. It's our dissatisfaction with some area of our lives, and our desire to fix these problem areas, that leads to the conception of our resolutions. And I realized... Every single one of my resolutions stem from bad decisions I have made in the past year. And the root of all these bad decisions is the inability to balance my emotions when it really counts.
Before getting on the plane to Boston my sister showed me this comic strip she'd read on weibo. I can't find it now, I'm not going to bother to look for this needle in the haystack that is the World Wide Web. It was in Chinese and was quite cute hahaha. But it came across with a serious message.
The comic strip began like this. It depicted a girl and boy who had dated for a long time, and they were very in love, in the way most young couples are. He wanted to study overseas, so she sacrificed her own dreams and worked to help supplement his tuition fees from schooling overseas. Her friends were naysayers and chastised her for working so excessively, asking her what the point was, but she said, "等他回来我就有好日子过了" (Yes I remember this verbatim from the comic), believing that with his return a life of bliss and happiness, and a caring partner who will provide for her would all fall into place at her feet .
That was not the case. The boy returned, the couple was reunited but soon they realized they had both changed. Their attitudes and the way they viewed life had changed drastically. Shall not go into the details of this (the way the artist sketched it made it very funny and since it's in Chinese, words in this language cannot aptly translate the true meaning of the comic), but anyway they found that unlike before they had nothing much to say to each other. 曾经有说不完的话题，可是如今却发现彼此已经无话可说了. Um ok it was actually described more poignantly than I had put it but I don't remember how hahaha.
In the end the guy broke up with her and told her that he would return her the money she had put towards his education in installments. Of course, she was heartbroken. And this is where the comic artist pictured the girl improving herself and becoming a better person by living her life for herself and not others. In the end she became extremely illustrious and her ex-boyfriend came crawling back to her but hilariously enough the last frame of the comic strip showed the girl kicking her ex-boyfriend aside and calling Wang Leehom asking him if he wanted to have dinner after his concert HAHAHA (it is implied that she had become so brilliant, she was dating Wang Leehom)
That is besides the point; what resonated with me the most was this statement from the comic – 为自己生活才是为自己最好的投资. (The comic artist surmised this point after explaining that by living for yourself, you would love yourself more and work to improve yourself, and you'd meet a better person whose conditions are level to yours)
I don't want this to be a rant about relationships because I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing me whine about relationships. A simple juxtaposition of my New Year Resolutions and the comic strip, though, has led me to this – in the coming year I am going to focus on making myself a better person. And on the road toward this end, a relationship will only get in the way so I'm not going to date. Lol although, well, it's highly unlikely I am going to date anyone anyway because the only two male friends I have in college are (confirmed/very likely) gay, American guys intimidate me, and I am transferring to an all-women's college.
But also one thing that's important to learn is that people do change, contrary to what we might believe. Sometimes (actually, very often), people change, feelings can disappear over time; time has that ability to erode and mold and reshape. People change, and there is nothing you can do about it. It is just life doing what it does and we shouldn't complain that life's a bitch because within ourselves, we are changing too but we just might not see it, or feel it. Like that couple in the comic strip lol. Time apart has reshaped them to be different people. I don't think it's the guy's fault for dumping the girl – as clichéd as it is, love cannot be forced. So whenever it feels like something bad happens, I'm just going to try my best to believe that it's happening for a good reason :-)
Ok I don't want to write anymore cos I want to sleep. /abrupt end of post
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Why am I so stupid - Installment #3
Sent an email with some questions to the admissions staff at Smith College... BUT ADDRESSED THE EMAIL TO MOUNT HOLYOKE ("I am... applying to Mount Holyoke"). FUCK.
The person replied me already and asked if I was intending to apply to Smith or not T___T
Yes I did copy the email from the original one I sent to Mount Holyoke but the dumb thing is when I copied it to resend it to Smith I ACTUALLY SKIMMED THROUGH THE EMAIL TO MAKE SURE THERE WERE NO MISTAKES. And I didn't realize it was "Mount Holyoke" in the email instead of "Smith"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haih I hate it when things like these happen IT IS JUST LIKE WHEN I SLEEP IN AND FORGET TO GO FOR MY JOB.
What happened???? Have I always been this careless? I remember very clearly of a time when I wasn't!!!! Prior to coming to the US I'd always read my emails very meticulously, and I NEVER forgot my appointments :( Ok this new year, I promise myself to be more on the ball lol.
Sigh it's ok this will not bother me anymore after some time. :(
Our results came out today. I was utterly restless last night and woke up a few times in my sleep thinking about my results. In the morning when I woke up for real (8+ AM, I have not woken up naturally this early for a long time) and checked online, our results still weren't posted yet so my sister and I went out. When we came back in the afternoon she went on her laptop and I was minding my own business and she suddenly shrieked, "Results are out!" I checked my results and they are... Ok... I guess... I wish I did better but of course everyone wishes that way don't they, unless they're like easily content and/or already at the top.
And I think my results have me at quite a precarious position. As in, I should be able to transfer successfully but I would feel a lot more secure if my GPA was higher. Argh but I probably fucked it up a bit with Smith already after that email, especially since I sent the email directly to the admissions director overseeing international applicants. But actually Mount Holyoke is where I want to go to the most! So I guess maybe this is like a sign pointing me in the right direction...? Hahahaha.
On to happier things. I am currently in Boston and it is LOVELY. I love it! So much so that after returning from lunch yesterday I went on the computer and searched to see if there were any colleges in Boston I could look at to transfer to. Sadly, they're all non-applicable to me (e.g. Berklee College of Music), impossible to get into (Harvard), or not good enough academically. If... When, I get into Mount Holyoke, I can make friends and we'd make the 2 hour drive up to Boston once in a while I'm so excited it's gonna be so fun hahahahaha ok from now on I am gonna be positive. Yessssss I will make it into Moho!!!!!!!
But back to Boston. Yesterday we spent most of our time outside in Chinatown. It was so disconcerting, because there were Asians everywhere (as it should be, it's Chinatown after all) and everywhere people were speaking Canto/Chinese! For real, for a moment I actually forgot I was in the US. After we left and I had to speak to an angmoh to ask for directions or something, I actually fumbled cos my mind was still attuned to speaking in Singlish/Chinese.
And the FOOD, oh glorious food. It's probably not much compared to Singapore, but I'll take it. I had carrot cake yesterday for the first time in months and it felt amazing. PORRIDGE TOO, like real, watery congee, not the thick, lumpy mess I conjured with my slow cooker at college.
But today we returned to the same restaurant cos we wanted to tabao carrot cake and the waitress was so rude! She's this middle-aged auntie with short hair that's dyed brown. I had to pay her for the carrot cake and I prepared $5.25 before she came to me with the receipt, but I conveniently forgot that in US, prices stipulated are ALWAYS before tax. So when she said "是五块六毛" I hurriedly scoured through my wallet for 35 cents for her. And because I'm STILL not used to American coins, and unlike Singapore what they have are pennies (1c), nickels (5c), dimes (10c), and quarters (25c), I guess I looked a bit confused. I fished out another quarter for her because it's the biggest coin and easiest to pick out, and after some time I finally managed to find a dime for her.
She flipped the coins about in her palm and haughtily pronounced that I had only given her $5.55. She was really fierce about it, I don't know why, maybe because I was holding her up and she had tables to serve. Or maybe she was unhappy at how clueless I looked digging through my wallet for coins although I SWEAR I ONLY TOOK LIKE TEN SECONDS AT MOST. I was really sure I had given her a dime (on top of the quarter coin) but I thought I could have remembered it wrongly, and thought that a dime could be 5 cents instead of 10. I spluttered, "哦，对不起," and went back to look through my wallet again.
AND THEN she barked at me, "你怎么这样的啊？搞到我们做外买..." She trailed off impatiently. When she saw that I was picking out pennies in my wallet to pass to her (after all, I had thought I was missing 5 cents and I couldn't find any nickels in my wallet), she snapped again: "我不要那个 pennies!" WTF. I was already quite pissed cos her attitude was already quite bad before! And it wasn't even my fault! I was tempted to thrust the pennies into her palm (at this point I was already about to take them out and give them to her) and expostulate, "我说要给就是给！！！" like the ahlian I am HAHAHAHA but I didn't because I was afraid she would spit into my food WTF. In the end I just gave her another quarter and she returned me the dime I had given her, and I was left standing there staring at the dime wondering if it was indeed 5 cents, and not 10.
Ok actually thinking back this is quite funny lol.
Finally, today (it is still Jan 2 here in America) is Ah Neng's birthday! Happy birthday old man!!!! You are now 22, which sounds really old because when I first knew you you were still 17 and that sounds like miles away from 22 even though it is really only 5 years. Lol among other things thanks for inadvertently introducing Making April to me through your iPod during the Osaka trip although it is quite sad that they have already disbanded. But until your next birthday I hope the rest of your year turns out awesomely even though you no longer have Nero biting at your arm hahaha.Labels: Why Am I So Stupid
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