Friday, November 30, 2012
Last day of November!
I walked out to McKinley's just now at 11.37 PM. I rushed there cos McKins was gonna close at midnight and I was hungry HAHAHA I went there in my fluffy PJ pants (yes, the "I ♥ chocolate" one) and guess what? I FELT WARMER THAN WHEN I WAS WEARING JEANS. If it was socially acceptable, I'd wear my pajama pants out everyday while it's still cold.
Finished two papers today /pleased with self yay yay 4.0 GPA
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Monday, November 26, 2012
Homeroom by the Beachside
Shengrong needed references for a replica of a prom event he's organizing for (I presume) his poly seniors, so he asked if I still had the proposal my batch did for our prom. I had long backed up the files from my old laptop into this laptop, but never really bothered to go arrange the files. Because of this, I was made (willingly, I must add) to go scour through the folders for the proposal we had written so long ago. I found it and compiled it into a .zip file and I must profess I still feel a sense of pride at having managed an event all by ourselves with practically no support at all from the school.
Instead of writing my paper like I'm supposed to (my paper is due on Wednesday!!!! And I have 2 other papers due on Friday), I went to poke around in the other folders and found a bunch of notes. I used to write notes on Notepad, and would save them for later reference but more often than not I would forget these notes hahaha. So rediscovering them now gives me kind of a strange feeling, as if I am looking at the scribblings of someone really different. I have really changed a lot.
Aside from a bunch of emo quotes LOL I also had a couple of notes containing lists of songs I intended to download but never did.
"With no names, no academic background or job, no gender or nationality, who are you?" – this single line was in one of the notes and I distinctly remember this from the Japanese drama 太陽と海の教室 (Taiyo to Umi no Kyooshitsu) – it means Homeroom by the Beachside, sounds romantic doesn't it hahaha – and this was what the main character Sakurai-sensei had told his students. It really resonated with me especially since then I was at (one of my many) low existential points (to quote Josh, HAHAHAHA). Even till today, I don't have an answer to this question. I think to answer this you have to understand yourself – your soul, the substance that makes you the sort of person that you are. But how can you put labels on something as arbitrary as this?
Ok and then there's this note titled "Epic Conversations". It was from when my early days of being in Sec 4 hahahah. The contents are as follows:
/ – Me
<< AiDeN >> – Darren Lee
(: happy face – Gabbie
/ says:
btw i looking for boyfriend. help me find. HAHAHAHAH
<< AiDeN >> says:
LOL wth?
(: happy face says:
hahahha crazy
<< AiDeN >> says:
why u suddenly want a boyfriend?
(: happy face says:
after o lvl then find lah you
<< AiDeN >> says:
EH
I GOT THIS GUY
/ says:
LOL? skarly is guai tai lai de
<< AiDeN >> says:
he isnt very smart, he demands alot of attention, but when u do the right thing, he can give u a good future, he doesnt know how to care for u now, but he will prepare everything for u
u want anot?
he quite despo one though
/ says:
sounds disgusting
go away man
LOL
<< AiDeN >> says:
but nice to be with de
(: happy face says:
errr you talking abt yourself?
<< AiDeN >> says:
LOL no~
/ says:
YA i was about to say the same thing
<< AiDeN >> says:
why
his name is O level lei
I know it's really only one conversation but I had intended to start a compilation HAHA. And of course I was kidding, I wasn't seriously looking for a boyfriend then.
I'M SO OLD NOW
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Please Don't Leave Me
Pink
I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many times have I kicked you out of here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is broken
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me
I just ate deer jerky cos Ginger Hannah gave some to me I only ate a small piece but it tastes terrible 呸呸呸Labels: Lyrics
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Sunday, November 25, 2012
McSpicy
In the midst of studying, but here goes.
I am afraid I will be frivolous forever. I feel stupid. I study and I don't understand things. I study and then I forget things. I wish I was a genius. I guess this means I'm lazy HAHA. I have to work harder.
And when I write too. I wish I could write better.
This holiday I spent a lot of my time sleeping. My dreams are strange –
A couple of days ago I dreamt that I was in Singapore. The sky was dark and it was crying. My phone rang – a call or text, I don't know – and I made my way to Charmaine. (How random.) When I picked her up she was crouched in the corner of a void deck crying. It was as though the weather was mimicking her state. She was wearing a red top, which is strange because her closet seems to be mostly monochromatic. After some cajoling I brought her to my car and drove to a kopitiam. We sat at a table, it was still raining, she had a listless look in her eyes although she wasn't crying anymore. I sat across her, not quite knowing what to say. And then I ordered bak kut teh for us LOL.
“Nick Yeam is an asshole,” as I said this, above us a clap of thunder boomed. Charmaine didn't respond.
“You deserve better,” I said sympathetically but firmly. Jesus everyone thinks she deserves better.
She looked at me straight in the eye for the first time that day. Her eyes were glassy but behind them a ferociousness came through. “But I love him,” her voice broke.
And then I woke up. HAHAHHAHAHAHA
Another dream –
Streetlights lined up on the sidewalks of the street and flickered on as the sky turned dark. The air is humid and I skip out into the streets, the sound of my flipflops clacking as I ran. I am in Bukit Timah.
I have the intention to cross the roads and make my way to KAP Mac to meet Theo and Fibi for supper but it seems like no matter how much I walked the road stretched before me never ceased. I could see KAP before me, from under the flyover and behind the zebra crossing that leads to it. I walk and walk but remain at the same spot. As I start to feel confused and upset, I wake up.
Ureka comes into the room as I wake up and I sigh wistfully about how I had dreamt about Macdonalds, and what I wouldn't give to have a McSpicy right now. And then I deliver a jeremiad (In Singlish, no less) about why our college is so secluded – “Why this place so fucking ulu one. Want to get Macdonalds also don't know have to walk how long downtown. TSK. Omg and got no McSpicy some more omg wtf–”
And then I wake up again, this time for real. As my dream dissipated into the air around me I sit up and find in my tummy a craving for Macdonalds and McSpicy.
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Saturday, November 24, 2012
I literally slept for the whole day today.
I slept at 1 AM last night, woke up at 1030 AM this morning when my parents called and we talked on the phone for an hour. I pretended that "我刚刚睡醒" but actually it was their call that woke me up hahaha. But we haven't talked for so long, I would feel bad if I said I was actually still sleeping cos they're just gonna ask me to go back to sleep. Throughout the call I still had my eye mask on and was rolling around in bed.
Finally, finally revealed my intentions to transfer after this academic year. Quite glad that my mom's rather receptive towards the idea, I think it's because it fits what the fortune-teller told her of me lol oh well. I went to check out the classes I had planned to take next semester and the ones that I really really want to take ARE CLOSED. Because they're full. Screw you sophomores why y'all snatch the classes I want :'(
After the call I washed my face and went down to the dining hall for lunch. For the whole of break, save for when I went to my host mom's house on Thanksgiving, I have been cooped up in Walker (my dorm building) and Brooks (the connecting dorm building and dining hall). When I walked by the corridor to the dining hall I looked outside and realized that a blanket of snow has covered the campus. I didn't realize it had snowed at all.
I saw Kento at the dining hall and I grimaced when I saw him cos I was distinctly aware that I looked terrible HAHHAAHHA. I can never be damned to dress up on campus. Like just now: I just wore my PJ pants (which is navy blue with prints of mugs of cocoa and "I ♥ chocolate" HAHAHAHAHA), threw a hoodie over my baggy sleep shirt, and thrust my feet into my trusty flipflops :) OH and also I had all of my hair up and glasses on HAHAHAHA
Ate some bad food at the dining hall and then I came back up to my room... and slept again. Woke up an hour ago and started to attempt to re-plan my schedule for next semester sigh. I really really want to take a Writing Fiction class but they are all full :( I hope they open up another one but I don't think it's going to happen.
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do you see what I see
Er ignore my face please. I wanted to take a screenshot just so I could remember how this skin looks like.
Can't believe I stayed up till 3AM just to do this skin hahaha. But I was getting really sick of the old one. And it is apparent that my days of HTML prowess are long over gosh I really wonder how I could have gone at this for hours when I was in primary/secondary school lol. Now the codes just give me a headache. So tedious.
But I'm glad it's done! Although some parts a bit screwed up wtf. Cannot be bothered to rectify them (for now) because I'm tired. And sick.
Goodnight all!
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Friday, November 23, 2012
Hi
Hi.
I look kiddy because I cut my fringe. I must maintain my youth while I can.
I'm sick again. This taking care of myself thing doesn't seem to be going very well ufufufufu /laughs like old woman from Pokémon games. I think it's also cos the air here is too dry and I keep falling ill. I need a humidifier but am too stingy to buy one.
Heeheehee home in 5 months and 2 weeks.
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Thursday, November 22, 2012
2 eggs over medium
I've been a recluse lately, it's Thanksgiving break and everyone has gone home. My hallway is empty, and in my room only I reside, along with the ghosts of Michelle's rickety, "ghetto" fan and other insentient beings.
Oh, and there's Blonde-and-Racist Hanna's goldfish, which I have been tasked to feed while everyone's on their break. I hate Blonde-and-Racist Hanna, she only looks for me when she needs a favor. Fuck you racist bitch.
I love this feeling of being alone after 3 months of having my senses overstimulated by noises and interactions with people I don't want to, and don't know how to entertain. Like Blonde-and-Racist Hanna. Or Ginger Hannah's disgusting crooning when she's on the phone with her boyfriend.
Last Sunday —
Her black straight hair, hanging down in a bob, shined as she turned and waited in line for the waffle machine. I tried to pretend like I didn't see her so if she caught my eye, we wouldn't have to make small talk. I cannot be bothered to make small talk with stupid people, but such is American culture – you pass somebody by, you smile and say, "How are you doing?" even if you don't really mean it. If somebody asks you how your day is going, you smile and say, "Good," and move on, even if you might be having the worst day ever. I bet that's why people looked at me strange in my first weeks of being here, when I would launch into a storytelling session of how I'd fallen off Michelle's bike when the Americans were merely using "How are you?" as a greeting. But I digress.
In the end I couldn't stand it, I have waited 15 minutes for my omelette and eggs and feared that somebody else might have seized them. Oh the horror! My omelette and 2 eggs over medium! How shall I survive without fulfilling my need for protein! The thought of my food being possibly stolen pushed me off my chair and to the counter where the plates of eggs are deposited, next to the waffle machine. It was only when I got to the counter that I remembered, and saw that Ji-hee was waiting for the waffle machine. But she turned around and saw me, and it was too late to turn back.
I gave a tight smile. "Hey, how are you?"
"How are you?" she says somewhat enthusiastically in response, the way Americans do when they appear all cheerful when they greet you. Um, hello, Jihee – you are Korean, stop trying to act like the Americans just cos you think it's cool and so you can fit in. I know it might seem preposterous to pick on this but I swear she's so annoying in wanting to behave like an American, and in more ways than this.
"I like, don't know how you're doing because I never see you around." There is a tone of reproach in her voice and an uppity glint in her eye.
Maybe it's because I don't want to hang out with you, I think to myself. But instead I make up an excuse, "Yeah, well, I have just been so busy with school lately. The professors dumped a whole lot of work on us right before the break so I had like a ton of papers to do. So." I shrug. In retrospect, I always punctuate my explanations with "so", like that explains everything.
She asks me if I'm leaving for Thanksgiving break and I say no, and ask her if she's staying on campus like I am. At this moment my mind goes pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno and even if you say yes please don't say that "we should hang out sometime". To my relief, she says she's leaving with Rachel to New Jersey for the weekend.
At this point her plump and short roommate Rachel comes up to us and asks her a question, completely disregarding my presence even though we have been introduced before and have seen each other around quite a bit. I mean really, how hard is it to remember the face of an Asian girl who is forever in jeans and sweaters? Like, I'm the only one who dresses like shit cos I can't be damned. Is it really so hard to remember a girl that dresses like shit??? Seriously??? I hate Rachel. I hate Jihee.
Thankfully Ureka comes up to me just when Rachel leaves and chuckles, "Are your eggs still not done yet?!"
"I think somebody stole them–"
"Egg white omelet with tomatoes and mushrooms!" The kitchen lady continues screaming out orders and I spot the post-it pad containing my order tacked onto a plate with an egg white omelet. I grab it and quickly escape, squeaking to Jihee, "Okaymyfood'shere, bye!" I turn and walk off, and I don't even bother with returning her wave.
When I return to my table, I realized the bitch that is the kitchen lady did not fry me 2 eggs over medium, my other order.
—
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Saturday, November 17, 2012
balance
Stupid Hannah is talking on the phone again in her whiny voice.
Not sure if people realize, but do you all notice how a girl's voice changes sometimes when she's talking to guys? I remember back in secondary school there was this girl everyone disliked and we all realized that the pitch of her voice goes up several notches when she's talking to boys, compared to when it's with girls.
Last night I went for a discussion panel about diversity held by the Advancement of Black Culture lol. I know perhaps people might think it's weird that I'm going to start going to these meetings, I know my sister certainly found it strange. But I really think I'll like these meetings, although yesterday when we were asked to look around the room some of the black girls gasped dramatically and exclaimed, "AN ASIAN!" The room was predominantly people of color, and I was the only Asian there.
I suppose this is the reason why I hang out with Michelle and Ureka, because they are people of color too (Hispanic and black, respectively). In a school like this where most students are drawn from this predominantly white region, many of the students here are racist without even knowing it. More and more, after being placed in the situation where I am the minority after living in a place where I've been the majority race for all my life, I am increasingly enlightened as to how minority groups are systemically oppressed and discriminated against. Often it is not forward, blatant things that are intended to offend, but systems to support minority groups are really not well-structured, or present at all.
On Tuesday I was one of the student panelists on the International Club panel. The event wasn't very well-advertised, because apart from several members of the club that were there to help set things up, only two other students turned up. There were 6 of us on the panel and we sat in this order from left to right:
Shaden (Senior in her home country's college, Arabic TA here for the year. Egypt.)
Raoul (don't know how to spell his name. Exchange student. Brazil.)
Aman (Senior, class of 2016. Indian, but born and bred in Thailand.)
Me (Singapore of course HAHA)
Vy Dang (terrible at English despite having did high school in US. Freshman, like me. Vietnam.)
Melody (Senior, class of 2016 as well. China.)
Shaden started off with a rather frivolous note: "Oh I really like the library here cos in my country it closes at 4 PM..." It made me feel apprehensive cos I was going to talk about things in a not-so-positive note. Raoul mentioned some negative aspects about the college but generally his spiel was positive.
And then Aman launched into a very detailed and well-thought speech about the problem of diversity on campus and why international students find it difficult to adjust and thrive here. I mentioned a few negative things here and there; Vy, in her broken English, told a story of her struggle to adjust when she first came to the States. Melody explained why she thinks international students and American students may not necessarily gel well and the common misconceptions between both parties.
I was blown away by how succinct and well-planned Melody and Aman's speeches were, I guess this is why they're seniors. What they said really sharpened the edges of the situation I had been trying to grasp, but can't really seem to articulate. But after this week I feel like the box I have been sequestered into has opened up a little, and I am beginning to see some light. I understand the campus better now I guess.
After the diversity panel last night we went for dinner and then went to the game room. For the first time in... A year? I think? – under strong encouragement from Michelle and Ureka I went on one of those racing car arcade machine things in the game room. Despite being placed on the easiest course, I was crashing into stuff all over and came in 8th. At one point I spat at the machine, "Fuck you!" And Michelle and Ureka laughed for minutes.
The reason why we stuck around the campus center was because we were waiting for the week's late night event to begin. This week's late night event was Psychic and Crafts, and the activities programming team brought in a tarot card reader and numberology person! While waiting, people could sit at the side and make dream catchers.
I had my reading done with Michelle, we were both given a stack of cards each to shuffle.
The reading was really spot-on for both of us, although each reading was only 5 minutes due to the time constraint placed on the tarot card reader by the programming team. After shuffling the deck of cards he took it from her and told her to pick out three cards. He looked at her cards and explained to her that the wheel of fortune is in her favor and if she has been experiencing a downturn in her life, things are going to get better. And that her boyfriend is a good man, and he will be able to support her emotionally and monetarily. Of course she was really happy to hear that, and I do agree that Geoff is a really nice guy too!
He turned to me and splayed the deck of cards I had shuffled in front of me, and told me to pick three cards too. One of the cards I had picked was this:
The Strength card. And looking at this he said to me, "I can tell that for you, balance is one of the most important things in your life," and I was like OMGWTFBBQ HOW DID YOU KNOW ok no actually I didn't, I just gave a little shriek and cried "Omg that's so true!" Ever since I don't know when, I think perhaps last year, one of the central themes of my life has been "balance". I really believe in the idea of balance because for me I really feel it's the only way to be happy. I cannot reconcile with being happy all the time because I like to feel sad LOL so I do feel there has to be a balance between the two. I don't really believe that anyone can be happy, or sad all the time. I don't really know how to articulate this belief so I'm going to leave it at that for now. AND AND AND this is a huge coincidence but after I went back to my dorm room and looked up this tarot card on Google, I realized that the maiden in the card has a halo in the form of an infinity sign! Is this coincidental for what, for months now I have been contemplating getting a tattoo in this design.
From my two other cards he gathered that he sees a very supportive male figure in my life, and he said, "I think it is your dad," which is totally true. For the skeptics, I tried to be as unbiased as I could and tried to sound out his statements from a broader view by trying to see if what he said was vague and could apply to anyone. Perhaps people would think that the chances are that most fathers are supportive, but why is it that he recognised it is my father who is supportive, and didn't pinpoint a boyfriend like he did with Michelle?
He then proceeded to say that I have been thinking about creation, in terms of business and for my career. Which is true, because I've been contemplating about my future and I have no idea what I'm going to do for a living but I have been considering the idea of a job where I am in control of the direction things go. He said that I would be successful if this is what I want, and that my dad would definitely support me if I decide to go ahead with this, especially monetarily. I find this to be rather true because I can totally see my dad giving me financial support if I want to start my own business, I'm not saying my mom wouldn't offer the same support but somehow I just find it harder to imagine. But that being said I never had the idea of asking my parents for money to start a business, or at least, asking for money without returning it.
Going back to the room, I turned on my laptop and Googled our tarot card reader. It turns out he has his own Wikipedia page, is an author, has a Ph.D. from New York University and is HIV-positive. I told this to Michelle and Ureka and we mused over WHY he would choose to be a tarot card reader when he is so obviously well-equipped academically to take on an occupation he can earn more money from. My only conclusion is that he is really spiritual and genuinely believes in what he does.
He gave us his card and on it is the address of his office, which is in Pittsburgh. I am really tempted to go for a reading and shall propose this idea to Michelle, who has already casually brought it up HAHAHA. I am not sure if she would still want to go for it, though, if she finds out that he charges USD$45 for a half hour session, or $80 an hour. I discovered his charges from, er, his blog, after I stalked him online a bit.
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Monday, November 12, 2012
From LA to Tokyo
These days it seems I find it hard-pressed to write about things outside of issues I face or just thoughts that come into my head in general. Nothing wrong with that, but I kind of feel like I'm forgetting what I have done – in real life, outside of my head – just because I don't record it.
So what have I been up to?
Well... Nothing really, besides the usual study-sleep-work-anime-eat routine. AND lest you all think I have been slacking off because of the inclusion of anime in my routine, in my defense, I have only watched 23 episodes over the span of 3 weeks, which is not so bad if you ask me! I find it really necessary to explain why I came to the US in the first place because everyone seems to think I am here because a) Singapore was too rigorous, so I gave up; b) my sub-par poly grades would not be sufficient to warrant an entry into a Singaporean university; or c) I am not even in university at all and this is just... high school or something.
Well, fuck you all. (LOL actually come to think of it I am quite certain most if not all of the people reading this blog would know the exact reasons why I'm in the US, it's actually people who don't read this blog that don't understand.)
I shall not go off on a tangent about why I am here because that is another story for another time, and I have digressed enough. So really, today I asked myself, what have I been doing, really?
It has been only perhaps 14 weeks away from home, but I have changed so drastically and irrevocably. Again, I shall not go into the details of how, and how much I have changed.
In Women's Studies today we discussed América's Dream (by Esmeralda Santiago). Because of the interdisciplinary nature of the subject, the topic of nationality got roped in our discussion and from there it led on to a short discourse about belonging. And then I realized that I have never truly felt like I belonged anywhere.
Not in Singapore, my home of 17 and a half years. Lest people accuse me of being oikophobic or xenophilic, no, I do not hate Singapore. Coming here has made me appreciate and love parts of Singapore I had taken for granted before. And truly, it has made me realize that very often it is the home that makes the people, and most of my favorite people lay in that sunny island that lies along the strait of Malacca. I just... Never quite felt like I belong. I don't really know how to articulate a reason for this – from young, things just never "felt right".
But not in America too, I am quite sure this is not where I belong. I enjoy the cold, fresh thrill of liberty that one feels walking upon this land; I appreciate this system where people are, for the most part, systematically advantaged, and how one always has a shot at "making it" no matter how late in life you are. Yet for all its freedom and choices and independence, somehow America still isn't just right for me. This strikes me as rather disconcerting, because I grew up reading American novels, watching American movies, and you know how writing is such a huge part of my life? My stories have always been pseudo-American. Not a single character has had a Chinese name, and my characters have a bevy of hair/eye colors. I don't hate my black hair, or my dark eyes, but I do wish it was not quite so boring.
And then I thought about it in real detail, and realized what I've written as a child never fell quite into one category. The cities and towns of my imagination have always had both American and Asian distinctions, a world of in-between, drawing from the best of both worlds.
I love too much of each place I have been to, to give it up.
This reflection led me to a startling discovery about myself: I am now quite sure I will never belong anywhere. And, maybe, that's okay. Suddenly, the idea of a life spent traversing from place to place seems terribly exciting to me. Now I am just so excited because I am going to plan my life ahead not settling down on place, but a few places – Japan, US, Taiwan, Thailand, Singapore – all the places I love, and more I have yet to uncover.
Er in case you all think I am going to be irresponsible and go off backpacking with my parents' money, no, that is not gonna happen LOL. Not bloody likely, I am not quite that unfilial. I just think it is quite exciting to have a life where one is able to, as it is often said in magazine profile stories about celebrities and socialites, "divide[s] her time between LA and Tokyo". I still have no idea what I'm gonna do, but at least now I know it has to be something that allows me to move around :-)
I am now quite excited about my future.
Oh look where this post got me, I wrote following my train of thought and now I have completely neglected what I had intended to write about – WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING LATELY. I shall leave this for some other post, if I can ever muster enough concentration to stay on this topic.
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Friday, November 9, 2012
Lol lying in bed now typing this when I should be sleeping, or at least trying to.
The room is dark save for the light from my phone.
Today those feelings swept me again. I have been going strong for a couple of weeks now and I truly believed things were going to stay that way but no. Once again, I have allowed myself to feel sad today... For absolutely no reason at all.
It's not even like listening to a song and being transported somewhere. Not even getting into a fight with someone or the self-hate when I push off an assignment for too long and have to stay up through my constant yawns, and the hours burning away just to finish it.
I'm trying to console myself with my belief that life is all about balance – nobody is happy all the time. Sometimes you lose balance to gain greater equilibrium.
Or maybe this is all just stemming from a hormonal imbalance ugh but I don't think so.
The idea of racism has been bugging me lately. While 99% of the people here are not outright racist to me, and are mostly nice, most people here aren't very inclusive :( Nobody reaches out to you very much and it's really hard for me to make friends here when I don't even understand their humor and culture haha. It made me realize today that I was never born street smart, I have always been entrapped in my own little bubble. As time went by and I was made to interact with people more, through my own misgivings and mistakes I learnt how to make friends and get a good read on people... But only in Singapore. I guess my street smarts were never innate, they were nurtured and what I always had was (merely?) a very strong instinctual grasp of the vibes people give off. Now that's a nice way of putting it, but perhaps it's just fancy lingo for “oversensitive”. Who knows?
Coming here, my reads on people have turned out quite wrong. Like initially I had thought Ji-hee was nice but now I kinda... Despise her lol. That's a strong word but that's what it is. I was annoyed with Michelle at first cos I thought she was too exuberant but now I think I would just die here if not for her.
I am frickin' glad I have Michelle as my roommate and friend.
All these issues I'm facing stemming from racial divide really piss me off. It saddens me because I have never felt this way before and now I feel so bad looking at the banglas in Singapore with 歧视的眼光. But honestly if you ask me, when I go back I will probably still be rather aloof to them cos I am afraid of being sexually harassed, etc. Now, though, I do realize that deep down we are all humans and I believe there is good in everyone, it's just a matter of how far in you have to reach to draw the goodness out. So when I go back, I'll try not to be mean to banglas anymore as much as I can. (Not that I was mean to them to begin with but I was always very suspicious and wary around them: “Why this bangla sitting there drinking, I better walk faster so I can get home faster,” or; on a train departing from or en route to Jurong East, “Walao so crowded why these banglas always want to hang out at JE one”)
Ok la I should go sleep sigh. This diatribe shall be continued at a more suitable time.
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Thursday, November 8, 2012
Simple things, like how milk gets stained a splendid dark ocher when Cocoa Krispies and Cocoa Puffs are thrown in, make me happy.
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Teenagers
My Chemical Romance
They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you, son
So they can watch all the things you do
Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keeping you clean
They're gonna rip up your heads,
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine
They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me
The boys and girls in the clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did
They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me
They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me
It's frustrating how I can't download songs here, because I'm using the college's network and they're more strict about stuff like that here, so that makes all illegal download offenders more susceptible to arrest sigh. Apparently letters have been sent in to the college on a couple of occasions where people downloaded stuff and got tracked, and these people got their internet (the college wireless connection, that is) taken away, on top of a hefty fine. If my memory is right, it was also mentioned somewhere that if foreign students get caught we get deported.
So now I keep having to go to YouTube just to listen to songs I could just download when I was in Singapore :(
I still love sad songs, but because I've been in such a great mood these days my ears seem to only have tolerance for upbeat songs (like the one above). Labels: Lyrics
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you will move to a wonderful new home within the year
Funny shit has happened in the hallway again.
With this recent slate of events (by recent I mean for the past month and half or so), nearly everyone in our hallway now detests Natasha and wants her to move out of the hallway. (Will relate this saga in detail next time.)
Last weekend Jess (Natasha's roommate) went home to spend time with her family, and I had assumed she was going to return on Sunday. I was returning from the bathroom and opening the door to my room when the idea of leaving a message on the little message board on their door struck me. So I crossed over to their room door, right across from ours.
The whiteboard had a small clip on the top that held the marker in place. While removing the marker, a small sliver of paper slipped out from beneath the clip that held the marker in place. Whoa, I thought, Better not drop that, maybe someone's leaving a note for Jess.
The note, I soon realized, was one of those slips of paper you get out of a fortune cookie. Presumably, someone had gotten this fortune cookie from Grace's, the Asian restaurant downtown.
The words from the fortune cookie glanced up back at me.
And then I laughed because I realized it was not for Jess.
"You will move to a wonderful new home within the year," the note foretold.
It was for Natasha.
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon
Even now, half a day since her boyfriend has left, Hannah is still on her bed crying and mourning his departure -_-
COME ON YOU SEE HIM NEARLY EVERY OTHER WEEK HOW MUCH SEX DO YOU NEED WOMAN.
She sounds so weepy and deferential I swear to God five minutes ago when I looked over at her (she's on her bed I'm at my desk) she was looking through pictures of her boyfriend on her phone. Like, solo shots of him. And earlier in the evening in one of her many calls to him today, she cooed, "I was just looking at your pictures... You look so cute! ... You're so cute!" At this juncture it is apt to quote this part from the first act of Pygmalion:
The Note Taker (explosively): Woman: cease this detestable boohoo-ing instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.
The Flower Girl (with feeble defiance): Ive a right to be here if I like, same as you.
The Note Taker: A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting sounds has no right to be anywhere — no right to live. Remember that you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech: that your native language is the language of Shakespear and Milton and The Bible; and dont sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.
Pygmalion, George Bernard Shaw
In bold are parts that correspond directly with my internal reactions to Hannah's "depressing and disgusting sounds" now.
Just now in the shower the most thought-provoking question of late struck my mind. Why do most men prefer to go for women that are younger than they are, and women for men older than they are? This idea of ageism is driving me mad. Maybe this socially constructed preference of age in relationships is purely instinctual – men want to protect women to assert and affirm their masculinity, while women enjoy being protected.
But then I thought, it cannot be that simple. In fact, biologically, women would always have more to lose than men. From the standpoint of procreation, women have a ticking biological clock and after a certain age they menopause and they can't have children anymore, while men will always be able to procreate throughout their lives should they wish to do so. This makes a woman more liable, because after her biological clock ticks to a stop, her husband can simply replace her with a younger woman if he wants to have more kids. With all this in mind, it would be beneficial for a woman to get an older man, because as he grows older he would be less liable to cheat on her (because of low sex drive lol). A man would not want an older woman because it means he has less time to have kids because his wife has limited years in her life to be able to procreate. Lol but I'm sure nobody thinks about all this when they're considering a prospect for a relationship or marriage, right? We are human beings with emotions and feelings after all.
But suppose a man and woman are both infertile, what then? Very simply, I don't understand WHY the social norm is for a man to marry someone younger and for a woman to marry someone older. I don't understand how this idea was even conceived and developed over time. Where did this begin, how, and why?
If a woman is looking for a man who can best provide for her, certainly the chances are that an older man would be better equipped to do that – being older means he has had more worldly experiences in dealing with people and situations, and typically he would be financially secure too. A man would typically not go for an older woman because it gives off the idea of being "mothered", a threat to his masculinity, which can be quite terribly embarrassing for himself. Oh imagine all the jeers from the bros.
In thinking about heterosexual couples with interesting age differences, two couples came to mind. The first is Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn. For those of you who don't already know, Soon-Yi Previn is Woody Allen's third and (probably) final spouse. The most repulsive thing about this relationship is because it reeks of incest and betrayal.
To keep you up to speed, here is how the story goes: Woody Allen used to be in a relationship with Mia Farrow, they were not married but certainly together. Mia Farrow adopts a bunch of kids throughout her life and in her relationship with Woody Allen, they have one biological son together – Ronan Farrow. Soon-Yi-nough (LOL this pun will make sense later), Mia Farrow realizes that Woody Allen has cheated on her, and has been in a sexual relationship... With one of the kids she has adopted – Soon-Yi.
At this point, Soon-Yi is 20 years old, and Mia Farrow's relationship with Woody Allen has lasted for 12 years. This means that Woody Allen has been in Soon-Yi's life since she was an 8 year old (!), and although he was never her legal stepfather, he was very much a father figure in her life. Which is what makes this all so incestuous. Can you imagine watching someone grow up, and then marrying that person? Technically there is nothing wrong if you're not biologically related, but the idea of it sure seems whacked.
Digressing a little: Ronan Farrow is hilarious. He was apparently a child prodigy and is now working for the Obama administration. Having grown up with Soon-Yi, he obviously sees her as a sister. Earlier this year on Fathers' Day, Ronan Farrow tweeted: "Happy father's day— or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day" HAHAHAHA this is one of the funniest things I've encountered in a while.
The age difference between Soon-Yi and Woody Allen is 35 years.
If the idea that it is normal, and good for a man to be attached to a woman younger than he is, then using this measure Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn's relationship would be off the charts. But still, everyone finds this relationship disgusting, if not for its incestuous nature, but the act of betraying – your partner, or your mother – is morally repugnant. But putting aside all that, the age difference between them is too huge, which I suppose gives people the idea that Woody Allen has paedophilic tendencies, like he is preying on her... But now, Soon-Yi Previn is 42 years old and Woody Allen will turn 77 in December, and they are still married. They are both old now, which negates the idea that Woody Allen is a paedophile. Why then, are huge age differences frowned upon?
I still have not come to a conclusion for this. But in any case I really don't mind Soon-Yi Previn and Woody Allen being together because they are both disgusting, hence I'd say they're well-suited for each other. You do NOT cheat on your partner, nor do you bite the hand that feeds you by doling out nude photos of yourself to your adoptive mother's boyfriend!!!!!!
The other couple that came to mind is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Granted, they're not together anymore but they were together for a considerable number of years, and their relationship was definitely very real. She is older than he is by 16 years and interestingly, I don't think I have heard much dissent about the age difference between the two, apart from all the usual claims of Demi being a cougar and the like. Could it be because she is financially independent, and independent on other terms too? Thinking about it, aside from the hurt from the loss of their relationship, she could actually do very well without Ashton Kutcher. Is that why nobody frowns upon their relationship? Does this mean that for a woman to be seen as "good enough" or "equal" to a man, she has to be financially and socially powerful?
I would like to continue this post but it is getting late, and I am distracted. Hannah has now gone back on the phone with her boyfriend again and has resumed her sorrowful whinging, "I miss you... I'm never gonna hang up... I love you baby, I love you..." Oh shut it and stop crooning like a bilious pigeon.
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Choh-sanpa
My morning.
Michelle: Aubrey, you gotta teach me some Chinese.
Me: Okay, what do you wanna know?
Michelle: “That girl is nasty.”
Me: (ponders for a bit) There isn't a direct translation for that. Okay, how about 臭三八. It literally means “smelly bitch” but people use it to say “bitch”.
Michelle: (with an American accent) Choh-sunpa?
Me: (laughing) Yup.
10 minutes later, Hannah and her boyfriend Aaron start making out again on her bed, in the middle of the room. Michelle is standing in front of the mirror on her wardrobe door primping her face, while I am at my desk on my side of the room.
Michelle: (catches my eye through her mirror, and smirks) Choh-sanpa.
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