30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 5 — Your Favorite Season Soundtrack/Song
Of course I don't have to think about this one. I feel like saying "DUH" to this question but that sounds so weird because I never say "duh". I remember in primary school the word "duh" became an airborne disease (source of disease: Archie comics, which almost everyone read back then) and suddenly everyone was saying "duh" to this and "duh" to that and "duh" to every-freaking-thing. And once, in P3, this girl Annabel "DUH"-ed me after I told her something. Let it be known that up till P5 I was still clueless as to what "duh" meant. At that moment though, I felt so insulted because her "DUH" sounded so rude. It's just one word but it seemed to imply, "You are so stupid how could you not have noticed that," and "Why are you so dumb to state the obvious oh and by the way I'm smarter than you." From then on, I hated it whenever someone used the D-word (by this I mean "duh", not "dumb") because although I didn't know what it meant, IT JUST SOUNDS SO RUDE.
BUT I DIGRESS. AS USUAL.
My favourite Pokémon song is the most famous one - the theme song for the first season. I wanna be the very best / That no one ever was...
Hear it here on YouTube.Just in case you didn't know, this song is very aptly named, er, "Pokémon Theme" LOL.
This song is a legacy. Honestly, I think it's the only one most people remember. The short clip accompanying the song is really sweet too. All about trainers and friendship and Pokémon awww.
It's especially sweet how Misty and Brock appeared alongside Ash as Jason Paige sang "Ohhhh you're my best friend / In a world we must defend" (Okay Team Rocket and Gary Oak appears 2 seconds after that but ignore LOL) and how Charizard flares at the trio, Ash hugs Squirtle as it runs up to him at "Our courage will pull us through / You teach me and I'll teach you" can't stand it too. Sweet.
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE
Day 5 — Your dreams
When I first saw "Your dreams", I honestly thought it was referring to the dreams you have at night. But after a second I realised it's probably asking for your dreams, as in what you want out of life. Because what I want out of life is too complex and tedious to be explained here, I am going to write about the dreams I have at night instead.
Since sometime in Sec 1, I have been recording the dreams I have at night on-and-off. Dreams are really important because they are indicative of your present state of mind in life and they tell you things you might not have known about yourself.
Just look at Stephenie Meyer. Had she not dreamt about a girl and a vampire, she wouldn't have had the base for the Twilight series, and she wouldn't be this rich/famous today. I guess that might be why the first book of the series is really the only decent one. That was the one her dream inspired.
I am always looking to my dreams for inspiration. (But so far, nothing has come out of them yet.)
It's always fun to think about your dreams. It's also really amazing and amusing because anything can happen in them.
Something that is rather noteworthy is this: when you're happy with life, your dreams will most likely be happen. The same goes if you're sad - sad dreams.
I once dreamt of my ex-boyfriend. At that point in time, I was still crushing on him and we have not gotten together yet. I know I mentioned this in one of my speeches in SpeechComm but what I said about the dream during that speech isn't exactly true - I embellished it to make the speech more interesting. I'm not going to reveal the exact details of the dream here because it's personal and something I want to keep to myself. I have told some of my friends about it though, a few days after I had it. The dream was a happy one, and at that point in time I was a happy girl. I remember it so well and I even remember when it appeared in my sleep - 15th January 2009 - because I scrawled the date on my school desk the next day.
Near the end of 2009 sees me in Taiwan on holiday, heartbroken and depressed over a breakup that happened nearly half a year ago. Just then, apocalyptic science fiction film 2012 had just been released for a few weeks. I pondered about life and how things would be like if the world really were to end in 2012.
Guess what? One night, deep in slumber, the setting of my mind painted a world where the sky, azure and brownish-yellow at the same time, was cracking and about to fall to pieces. The ground shook and trembled beneath our feet. Everyone was running amok as buildings crashed. I didn't feel afraid at all and I kept running till I found my ex. My hand reached out to grab his arm and when he turned to look at me, I asked him if he still loved me. He looked me in the eyes for a while before turning away and then I knew he felt nothing for me at all. The final images were of how he looked at me, cold and unflinching; his back as he walked away from me; how my heart sank and my knees felt weak as tears filled up my vision. And light and pain pulled me to consciousness.
Okay, that all sounded very emo. I hope he does not read this because it will make things even more awkward between us than they already were. Um, if I am in the unlucky situation that he really manages to read this, I just want to make it clear that I am not depressed like that anymore and I am happily attached to someone else right now LOL. And, hello!
All right, shall go listen to the Pokémon Theme and hope I dream about Pokémon lalala
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Thursday, September 29, 2011
Day 4
30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 4 — Your Favorite Male Character
This is not an easy one to pick because what I feel towards all the male characters in Pokémon is around the same... I have reserved all my love for Misty. But you can't blame me, can you? I mean, look at the options:
1) Brock
Pros: Can cook, can do housework, rather gentlemanly, good wannabe-Pokémon-breeder
Cons: Womanizer, Rock-type trainer (I don't really like Pokémon that resemble.. Rocks)
2) Ash Ketchum
Pros: Behaves quite cutely (cute as in childish-cute), loves his Pokémon
Cons: Quite a noob trainer, oblivious to many things, stupid
3) Gary Oak
Pros: Nice hair? Good comedic relief (especially his trademark line, "Smell ya later, Ash-y Boy!").
Cons: Likes sneering at people, quite a noob trainer as well
And after pondering on this issue for a while, I thought, "Maybe I should go ahead and pick Professor Oak." I mean, he's smart, provides good comedic relief as well, not really noob and etc. But he's.... Old. I'm not being ageist okay...
So I really can't decide. My favourite few male characters, I suppose, would have to be the ones I've mentioned above. And yes, Tracey Sketchit is not included. This is because I think there is nothing remarkable about him at all and he pales in comparison to Brock (shall not compare him to Ash because he's a sidekick, so it's only fair to compare him to another male sidekick, i.e. Brock). Tracey looks like a normal Asian dude, plain and unremarkable. Brock has tanned skin and slits for eyes, HA!
In case you did not read the Day 3 post, I shall enlighten you now and tell you: I HATE MAX!
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
My closest relative is my deceased dog, Jixiang aka Huathuat. I guess in a way you can say she's like my sister, a baby sister. She really acts like a baby.
We miss you very much and I hope you are happy wherever you are now, in heaven, or reincarnated into your next life.
Know that you are in our fondest memories, always.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
contemp jazz/gracomm
Haven't posted photos in such a long time.
In quite a dilemma now because of my timetable. Yesterday I went to town to sign up for O School membership with Ziqi and her classmate Carolyn. On top of the membership I also signed up for a new course, Contemporary Jazz. I've been really keen to delve into this new style for a while now. Before going to US, my previous dance course ended (how timely) and I left the country with the decision to resume dancing after I'm back.
Having finished the course, I was free to go into Open Class in that particular style. That was what I planned to do, only 3 weeks of no-dancing left me back in my state of nerves again :( It took me years to start dancing because previously, I was so paiseh/afraid of starting. I'm a terrible dancer, not like Ziqi who takes to dancing really quickly. It takes me ages to really get into the groove. So in a way, I'm glad I'll finally be going back to dance next week - I'll be going for the Open Class next Wednesday with Ziqi, Carolyn and Cherrie :) Have not seen Cherrie for quite some time too!
So back to my dilemma. The Contemp Jazz class is on Thursdays, at 6.30 PM. It's held in town where O School is. UNFORTUNATELY, my classes in school end at 6 PM on Thursdays (well, 5.45 PM really, if classes end 15 minutes before the hour like they're supposed to). I feel so stupid I can't believe I neglected to check my timetable properly. I referred to it when I was signing up but I thought it ended at 5 PM. I. Am. So. Stupid.
Now I have to rush to town after class every Thursday for 6 weeks (there are 8 weeks in the course but by the time school starts I would have gone to 2 already, thank goodness) and get to dance in half an hour. Which is almost impossible because at 6 PM, it will be peak hour and it's gonna take perhaps an hour for me to get to town!!!! Let's not forget I need time to change into my yoga pants as well :< This is so upsetting cos I don't want to be late for dance. Now I can only hope Gracomm (the last class on Thursdays) ends on time, at 5.45 PM. And, erm, stupid as this sounds, I went to Google "Ngee Ann Mass Comm Gracomm" to see what people would say about it LOLOL and it seems like Gracomm is a pretty stressful/project-loaded/time consuming module.
But I believe the world will work everything out for me if I believe in this strongly enough.
Anyway, here's a photo of Cheeyuan. ISN'T IT NICE?!?! He's smiling so naturally! This was taken when our class (4E4, that is) went Sentosa a couple of weeks back at the beginning of this month. We had dinner at Just Acia (the Dhoby Ghaut branch).
He was using his phone and I called him by making 'ch ch ch' sounds like
how Zhixian and I used to do in Sec 3. He got so sensitive then,
sometimes when we're talking and he hears the 'ch' sound he'll turn
around even when we're not calling him at all LOL.
This is a photo of a Polaroid we got for free when I went to town with Zexun a while back, on the day we went fortune telling. Swatch was having some event and we got approached to take a free Polaroid. The Polaroid's with Zexun now. I was griping about the 洞 (gap) in my fringe. :< This photo is quite nice though, although my face looks a little round.
The day after I went out with Zexun (or at least I think it's this day), I went to watch The Smurfs (the film, not the TV cartoon) with Theodore and Joyce. We think we have a curse, because it rained like the world was going to end. We went to Cathay to watch the movie, which was just like how it was the last time our class went to Cathay too in hopes of watching Kungfu Panda. Similarly, it rained heavily and relentlessly too and we all got drenched. When we got to Cathay, Kungfu Panda was sold out or something but we chose not to watch it and ran back to Plaza Singapura (thereby absorbing more water into our clothes) to catch Pirates of the Carribean instead. This time round, the exact same thing happened, only we didn't run back to Plaza Singapura.
I'm quite surprised cos The Smurfs was better than I'd expected it to be. Whilst waiting for the movie to start, on the screen we saw the movie poster for The Hunger Games, and I was pleasantly surprised that Theo had read the books too. I took a picture of the poster outside the movie theatre (with Theo at the side hahaha) (refer above). We slacked at MOS Burger after the movie for hours and had dinner with Josh at Nando's thereafter, where Weida slipped me a lot of vouchers LOL.
Because my wonderful cousin Shun had spare tickets, we - my brother and I - went to watch the F1 practice matches on Friday with him. It was a good experience :) My brother actually managed to fall asleep there, he had earplugs on, but still ._. He said he was really too tired. I now know a little more about F1 and racing than I did before, kudos to Shun. Above is a picture of a a bun and sausage (which the store owner called a "hot dog") which cost us... 10 bucks. I WAS SO SURPRISED I thought one was $5 or something?? Because they didn't put up a price list.
I have decided to do my best to get rid of my bad habit of procrastination. Next semester is going to be inherently busy (or so I've heard) and you know what? I think that is a good thing! Being too free makes me feel useless and when I do too little things, I always feel like I've wasted my day. I know when I get busy/stressed/pressed for time, I would, in the heat of the moment, lament I wish I could slack and things like that. But I know now that I'm the sort of person who would rather be busy with tons of things. These nights I head to sleep with the nagging thought at the back of my mind that I've wasted my day away. So next semester, I must not procrastinate so I will get everything done efficiently. Then I won't feel like I'm whiling my life away. So, bring it on!!!
All right time to shower!
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Day 3
30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 3 — Your Favorite Female Character
This is no brainer.Hands down, it's MISTY (or Kasumi, as she's known in the Japanese dub)!!!!
I have ALWAYS loved Misty. When I was young, I remember wishing I had orange hair just like hers, IN THAT EXACT SHADE. Of course it didn't occur to me how difficult that would be for me to pull off. Since I was just a kid and obviously could not dye my hair orange, I did the next best thing I could to look like Misty - I tried doing my hair up just like hers. But it was a failure because my hair was too long and would flop down when I tied it up at the side and not stand up like hers.
Like Misty (and perhaps because of Misty), I love water Pokémon. Whenever I played Pokémon (Silver/Sapphire or any other versions), I would always pick the water starter Pokémon, never mind my siblings preferring fire instead. They always picked the fire starter Pokémon because besides your rival (in the game, that is), the fire starter Pokémon always seems to have a huge advantage over many other Pokémon. Oh God, now I feel like playing Pokémon. Maybe I should download the emulator later.
I admired Misty for her feisty (and often fiery) personality. She's no weak pushover, but she isn't a complete tomboy either, and I loved that. She can be soft, girly and sweet, but still stand up for herself when she has to. All the other female traveling companions that Ash had later can NEVER match up to Misty. She is awesome. In fact, I hate all the other female traveling companions. They all seem like substitutes that don't even have the slightest bit of Misty's awesomeness. On a side note, of them all, I hate May/Max the most. I know Max is not a girl but since he came along as a package with May, I shall just treat him as one. But to be fair after May/Max's era I seldom watch Pokémon anymore so I don't really know Dawn and Iris well.
Misty is greater than the show gives her credit for. I'm sure that's how all of her fans feel and know :')
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE
Day 3 — Your parents
I have tons of things I want to say to my parents but I have exhausted these words over the past weeks...
Because I have revisited this topic too often lately, I am going to skip this. Er, wait till I'm angry with my parents again and you'll see a post that can stand in place of this then.
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Monday, September 26, 2011
Day 2
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE
Day 2 — Your Crush
Just like Day 1, I don't have a crush bwahahhaa. Gonna skip this.
30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 2 — Your Favorite Episode
This is a really tough one. But I can automatically rule out all the episodes where Misty is not around, in other words, only episodes from the Kanto, Orange and Johto League are eligible for selection. I LOVE MISTY. I LOVE MISTY. MISTY + ASH + BROCK = BEST COMBO EVER I hate the director (or whoever it was) that split them up. Okay well granted Brock wasn't around for almost the whole of the Orange League but Misty was around so it wasn't that bad. Tracey Sketchit wasn't as interesting as Brock was though.
One of my favourite episodes is the one where Misty and Jessie (yes, Jessie from Team Rocket) entered this Princess contest. The episode was supposed to be in conjunction with Girls' Day in Japan, and the event in the show is called "Princess Day". I love this episode because it's all girly and I remember the scene where Misty and Jessie were fighting over this piece of garment in the department store HAHAHA. I watched this episode when I was young, it's on one of the Pokémon CDs I have.
Another episode I really liked was one where the trio were traveling and they got onto this really snowy mountain. As they went up and it got dark, it started to snow really heavily, like there was a blizzard or something. Just as they were about to stop and rest for the night the wind whipped up and gusted Pikachu away. Obviously Ash ran off after him (in case you all didn't know, Ash's Pikachu is male), and in doing so he got separated with Misty and Brock. After saving Pikachu, Ash decides to find a place to settle for the night before finding Misty and Brock the next day when the storm dies down. He has Charmander (this was before Charmander evolved into feisty and stubborn Charizard hahaha so yes, this episode is really, REALLY old) burn a cave into the snow. They all go in and all of Ash's Pokémon help cover up the hole so they won't feel as cold. They gather around Charmander's tail flame to keep warm until Charmander starts getting weak. So Ash decides to forcefully return all his Pokémon into the Pokéballs so they will be warm. Ash shouts at Pikachu to go into the Pokéball where it's warm but Pikachu doesn't want to. Then the wind breaks a hole in the cave door and Ash runs over to block it with his body by sitting there. At this point all his Pokémon come out of their Pokéballs to hug him and keep him from the cold. SO TOUCHING. Ash tears and says they're his friends and they'll all be cold together......
So yeah I guess if I had any favourite Pokémon episodes, those two would have to be the ones :)
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Sunday, September 25, 2011
Day 1
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE Day 1 — Your Best Friend
A best friend. I don't really have one. I guess over the years I've pasted this label of "best friend" onto various people but if they don't manage to last into the years of my life... I can't really say they're my best friends, right?
Come to think of it, I wonder if it's my fault. I don't know about you guys, but I feel that a friendship requires maintenance. I'm not the type of person who can go without contact with a friend for a long time, and then maybe a year later after I last spoke with said friend, still expect to feel as close as I did with him/her. No, I really can't. The memories and feelings of yesteryear are still there, yes, but that's it. I do not believe in people who say, "I care," and then NOT DO A SINGLE THING. It infuriates me. That he/she did not even bother to keep the scarcest bit of contact, I feel, proves he/she doesn't care. I'm not asking for 24/7 availability (although I believe a true best friend would be open to you 24/7, it's just up to you to take him/her up on that), just a bit of talk here and there.
Others might argue that if the bond was strong enough, you'd be able to withstand time and still feel as close to your friend a long time after you last met or spoke. I do not believe it because I think it's only possible if 2 friends have this mutual understanding that their love for each other would never change form. But that is quite impossible... And people do not usually get all mawkish and start declaring their undying loyalty to their friends.
Which is why sometimes I get so confused. I care about people a lot and when they don't reciprocate in the same way, it makes me wonder if they don't feel as close to me as I, them.
But I digress...
Anyway, since I don't have a best friend, I'm going to address this letter to the best friend of my dreams (that I wish I had).
Dear Best Friend,
In my mind you are a person who sees me as your best friend too, and I will know for sure that you care about me as much as I care about you. Even if we don't get to spend a lot of time together, I know I will always be assured that you won't forget me.
We would travel together to various countries over the world and partake in touristy activities whilst trying hard not to act like tourists, laugh and then later feel bad about laughing at fat angmohs and eat the delicacies of whatever country we're in late at night in our shared hotel room, laughing and talking about the day's happenings. We will also gossip about overrated/trashy/untalented celebrities like Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and the like.
We will whine to each other just because and laugh at ridiculous things. We'd have millions of inside jokes and we'd laugh at them even if we've repeated them trillions of times. We would always know what the other is thinking and we will be frivolous, modern, smart, charming, all the things we wish we to be. And we might whine about what we don't have but it's okay because we'll whine for the sake of whining.
My parents would think you're cool and you'd fit into their description of what a "good adolescent" is and they would stop complaining that they don't know about my friends because they'd be so pleased I'm associated to a "good adolescent" like you.
When you're sad and if you burst into tears in front of me I'd just go ahead and hug you and not feel awkward the way I do around people who spontaneously burst into tears in front of me.
Even when we're old we'd still be together, chatting over tea/coffee and reminiscing about how stupid we used to be and how we would do everything again and have the same mutual understanding that we are best friends.
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30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 1 — Your Favorite Quote
It is quite hard for me to think of a quote right off the top of my head because I, contrary to what plenty of people may think, am not a hardcore Pokémon fan. So I shall go Google for some quotes.
I'm trying to recall anything, ANYTHING at all from those touching Pokémon episodes about Ash and his friendship with his Pokémon BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AT ALL. :< I swear I was wiping my tears and trying not to cry at this particular one.....
There was also that episode where Misty, Brock and Ash separated, after the Johto League. IT WAS FRICKING SAD I can't remember if I watched it but I saw the episode preview on Kids Central (or did it already change to Okto then?).
Misty, Ash or Brock: I guess this is goodbye. Misty, Ash or Brock but not the one who said the previous line: Yeah... Goodbye!
*all three of them run to separate paths at a crossroads, tears glinting at their eyes
SO SO SAD.
I shan't post a "favourite quote" seeing as I can't really remember any.
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Saturday, September 24, 2011
writing
The best way to writing is to give yourself a project. So I am going to do two 30-Day Challenges. Here they are:
30 DAY POKÉMON CHALLENGE
Day 1 — Your Favorite Quote
Day 2 — Your Favorite Episode
Day 3 — Your Favorite Female Character
Day 4 — Your Favorite Male Character
Day 5 — Your Favorite Season Soundtrack/Song
Day 6 — Favorite Pokémon Videogame
Day 7 — A Poke-related Photo That Makes You Happy
Day 8 — A Poke-related Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad
Day 9 — A Poke-related Photo You Took
Day 10 — Your Favorite Pokémon
Day 11 — Your Favorite Pokémon Type
Day 12 — Whatever Tickles Your Fancy
Day 13 — Your Favorite Season
Day 14 — Favorite Pokémon Tumblr
Day 15 — Favorite Pokémon Fanfic
Day 16 — Least Favorite Pokémon Type
Day 17 — An Art Piece That Has Something To Do With Pokémon
Day 18 — Favorite Gym Medal
Day 19 — Favorite Character Shipping
Day 20 — Least Favorite Pokémon
Day 21 — Team Rocket or Team Galactic?
Day 22 — A Website That’s Poké-related
Day 23 — A Pokémon Youtube Video
Day 24 — Favorite Pokémon Movie
Day 25 — Favorite Gym Leader
Day 26 — Favorite Pokéball To Use
Day 27 — Favorite Legendary Pokémon
Day 28 — Your Favorite Thing About Pokémon
Day 29 — What Do You Think of Pokémon Black and White?
Day 30 — Whatever Tickles Your Fancy
and
30 DAY LETTER CHALLENGE
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
All right I shall post the Day 1 letters in the next post :)
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Tuesday, September 20, 2011
On the bus to town
I'm at the bus stop now waiting for my bus to town. Blogging on my phone for the first time, I just downloaded the Blogger app.
Often I wonder how a family is supposed to be like, that is, a happy one. Truth be told it's been years since I've been in a happy family. Well I know in comparison to some people I'm really well off already, what with abusive parents and the like in other families and all.
I can't believe that despite being my parents' child for over 16 years, I still don't know what they want of me. I'm utterly confused......
Well yeah every parent wishes for their child to be happy and they want the best for their child. But they don't realize that their ideals of what 'happy' and 'the best' may not be what it is at all.
Sure you can say it's the thought that counts but the fact is, life is never that simple.
Cannot wait to grow up and be financially independent. And to leave this place (not my blog I mean the house I'm staying in).
(I'm on the bus now)
My parents, my family, makes me so afraid to start a family of my own when I grow up. All my life since I shed the rose-tinted glasses of childhood innocence, what I've witnessed from my parents is a man and woman, unhappy together, tied down to their marriage mostly because of obligation and duty. The idea of a happy marriage, that a man and woman can love each other and not scream and threaten divorce 2792937298 times a year is just hard to imagine. I know there are people in happy/satisfactory marriages out there. There are tons of these people!!! But my parents make me so afraid I'll never be one of those happy people.
I keep thinking, "When I grow up, I'm never gonna be like that. I will never treat my kids this way." This is not said (or rather thought) out of immature pettiness. I know there are times when my parents correct me because I was wrong. But at the same time, there are many things they did that I just can't think up a plausible explanation for.
Sadly, I know it's impossible I won't be like my parents at least a little bit if I have kids of my own. Their methods of parenting will definitely manifest itself in the future when I have kids of my own. Because this is all I've known, all my life.
Kids will always inherit their parents temperament in some ways. I think I got one of the worst combos ever. I have inherited my dad's maverick predisposition and outward cool/indifference. I can always pretend like some things don't bother me or don't matter to me, but they really do. I can't express my feelings well (unless it's when I'm blogging or something). Just like my dad.
My mum is the single most emotional person I've ever met. She is so emotional, she is hardly rational at all. Ever want her to settle an argument? Forget about it. She can't be the least bit objective. It's damn suay this is what I got from her - being overemotional and oversensitive.
Thankfully, because my dad is so rational and hardly emotional at all, I'm not as subjective and unreasonable as my mum is.
(bus is in town now)
Isn't it such a shame? My sister's friend once told her adults are just kids with more money. I think that really applies well to my parents.
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Sunday, September 18, 2011
fortune telling with Zexun
Met up with Zexun yesterday and we spontaneously went for fortune telling!
We were supposed to meet at Somerset at 12 and Zexun was (not unexpectedly) late. HAHA I was on the bus reaching town when he texted and told me that he just woke up.
Before that, I was reading Sheryl/Shuwei's blog on my phone and read about her fortune telling experience! Anyway Sheryl is really sweet and chirpy and I like her a lot (no I'm not writing this just cos I know she's gonna read it!), she's probably the only Spidey I still talk to now? Feel really awkward and out of place with the others :( Which is actually kinda normal, I've been feeling awkward and out of place with EVERYONE since school started anyway.
So I asked Zexun if he wanted to go fortune telling too and tweeted Sheryl to ask her all about it! It's at Kwan Im Temple (which I later realised is actually 观音庙 HAH).
Met Zexun at Bugis, had a burger from MOS Burger and then we headed off to Waterloo Street with the guidance of the map on my phone hahaha. Zexun was wondering if he should believe it cos he's Christian? But we were both very curious and keen about it! (At least I was. LOL)
So when we got to the place, there were so many "umbrella stalls" around! Of course most of them were selling flowers, joss sticks and the like for temple-goers who wanted to pray and stuff. Walked about a bit and couldn't find the fortune teller Sheryl described (she said he had nose hair LOL) so I called her to ask. After that we walked past and found the uncle but we felt kinda awkward just sitting down like that so we continued walking and pretended like we were doing nothing HA. Then we turned back and realised the uncle wasn't at the stall already (he went to the washroom perhaps). Cobbler next to the fortune teller's stall nodded at us and told us to sit down so we did.
Afterwards he came back and then he asked us what we wanted to ask... I went first and didn't really know what to ask, hemmed and hawed for a while and said "Family". Felt kind of strange because the thing is I had A LOT to ask but I couldn't pick exactly one to go with first.
But he didn't answer me straight way cos he asked me to show him my palm (can't remember right hand or left hand) and he also looked at my face. He pointed and swiped his finger down in the air to gesture at the lines from my nose to near the corners of my mouth (the ones that only show up when you smile, I think?) and said I'm lucky cos I don't have to be afraid of being hungry, that I "走到哪里都有的吃" HAHA i.e. wherever I go I'll have food to eat. That's comforting I guess I suppose I won't have to um.. Worry about starving to death? And that I won't be too poor to even afford FOOD. Omg I really can't live without food!!!! (At this point of time I'm thinking about sashimi argh feel like having some suddenly :/)
From my palm (can't remember which hand) he said I like/know how to save money. BUT my money keeps "spilling out" - as seen from this specific line on my palm, the line splits into branches and there are holes - because I keep spending it away or giving it to other people. Which I guess is true :( I saved up all my money from working during the O'Levels holidays for months but spent a lot of it thereafter on a whim.
It was also kind of funny cos he checked my zodiac and stuff and I'm a fire dog. The very thing he said next after proclaiming I'm a fire dog was........ "火狗不可以穿白色" LOL ("Fire dog cannot wear white") and I was dressed in white that day!!!!!!!! He said white is one of the colours representing water, don't know if it's just this lunar year or forever, but it dampens my "fire" personality so it hampers my luck and ability and stuff like that.
The uncle said I have a bad temper HAHA ok pretty true..... I don't know. I mean, of course people prefer not to hear bad things about themselves? I think I don't have a bad disposition naturally but my temper is getting worse over the past year or so :/
He said I'll have 3 kids, first one will be a boy (noting this down for future reference, LOLOLOL next time I can check back and see if it's true!!!) and I'll marry early (found this strange). Hmm, what else...
Oh yes, there was one thing that was EXTREMELY ACCURATE. I asked him about my parents and guess what was the first thing he told me to do? HE TOLD ME NOT TO QUARREL WITH MY MUM ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! OMG! Everyone who knows me well enough would know that I ALWAYS clash with my mum. Asked him about my dad too, to be sure, and he said all is fine with my dad (which it is) so it's okay. He just went on telling me not to quarrel with my mum and to give in to her always :(
Asked him about school also. What he said was also fricking accurate - he said I'm doing well and told me not to stop. As in, don't stop studying. WTH. I've been considering to drop out of poly and now he says this :| I am at a loss!
Can't remember much else, and left some things out cos I don't wanna mention it here. As for Zexun, the fortune teller said, amongst other things, that he's very honest and he's quiet. Erm, I baulked at the "quiet" part but afterwards when we left Zexun said he's quiet around people he doesn't know well, and noisy around people he does know well.
He also said Zexun is too passive and I should give some of my fiery temper to him and take some of his passivity HAHA. There was also a bunch of other stuff.. You can go ask Zexun about it if you want to know. He thought Zexun and I were a couple and I went like "不是不是！他是我的朋友！！！"
That's about it. People started queuing up after we went ._. so I think the uncle was trying to finish quickly. Meh, I should have asked him more, he was actually willing to answer but I didn't ask a lot cos of the people around. Maybe I'll go again next time! Still in the midst of deciding whether or not to finish poly. :/
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Hansel xoxo
Do you have to agree with someone or understand their motives to support them?
You don't have to. You can disagree with someone but support them because you love them and wish them happiness. And sometimes a person can only find happiness through making mistakes, falling, and learning.
We can disagree with a person's decisions, but we should not gloat and jeer when the decisions have led them to paths of failure, because we haven't walked the paths ourselves and we wouldn't know what it's like. Perhaps the person learned something invaluable from those endeavours.
I want to make my own mistakes and, in the truest sense of the word, learn.
I am sad.
Have been sad for quite a while now. It got even worse when they found Hansel's slightly crushed body today. I'm sorry Hansel, and words can't even express how sorry I am to you. I killed you :'( Had I not closed that door... I am sorry that even your death had to be a painful one.
I'm the type of person, when hurt, needs to wallow in my own sadness and self-pity for a while, or a long while. I am reticent so it's never easy for me to share how I feel. These few days have been tearful ones.
Let me wade around in my own pool of sadness. It always takes me more time than others to bounce back and walk everything off. :(
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Sunday, September 11, 2011
my bathroom
There is a reason why I love, or even need to have a space of my own. I love my bathroom so much because (for the most part) I'm the only one who uses it and it's definitely one of the places I go to when I'm at home and need to cry. I cry when I'm lying on my bed too but then my nose and throat gets all choked up and I start to feel like I can't breathe. Before I start sobbing out loud and waking up my sister (this is before she moved overseas) or alarming people walking by, I always make a quick escape to my bathroom. I shut the door, lock it, sit on the floor/toiletbowl and let it all out. I'm not really sure why, but the door blocks out sounds really well so you'd have to be a little loud or near the door to be able to hear what's going on inside/outside. Which is fine by me because no one would get to hear me sob and sniffle.
My mum thinks I am lazy. She uses my deck to justify her opinion - it is messy and I always don't bother to tidy it up. She says it is evidence that I hate doing housework, which also further proves that I am lazy.
But that's not it. It's not because I'm lazy (okay, maybe a little bit). It's not that I hate doing housework, I do like it. I'm not spoilt, I lack initiative. We have a maid at home, which is why I don't take the initiative to do housework (not like anyone else does it anyway, my parents love to preach what they don't practice, ha). But I will gladly rise to the occasion when I have to. If I had a place of my own, I would really keep it neat and tidy. And when I say "a place of my own", I mean really a place that I feel is mine and only mine.
It wouldn't work if I had to share it with someone else, because then I would feel like I'm not the only one who is entitled to it. Maybe it sounds selfish, caring for something only because it is your own, but isn't that what many people do? I believe the day that I work to maintain a place that I share with someone else will come, but only under two scenarios: 1) the person does his/her fair share of maintaining the place, so I will do my part too and 2) I really care about the person a lot. Yes, that is the level required for me to be selfless. And yes, that means I really don't care enough about my family (and although I get guilty, most of the time I don't care).
The need to have something that is solely mine is a little possessive, I admit. Sadly, that's the way I function.
When I was in school and an Exco member, I loved fulfilling the needs of the job. However, it was also a position with (some) authority and as it always is with positions/authority, there will always be responsibility. (Spiderman's Uncle Ben says, "With great power comes great responsibility.") It was this responsibility, this requirement of meeting the expectations of others (which causes another expectation - an expectation of self to meet, achieve, and own what is expected of you) that caused me to stress out. When I fail to do something right, it kills me most if someone gets disappointed or their expectations aren't met. I do not work well with other people watching - I flounder. At least if I am alone in something, I know I'm not disappointing anyone but myself. That is easier to get over.
The deck is a lovely place and I do like it, and although it is a place filled with things that are mine and mine alone, I've never felt very attached to it. It's an open place, which means it doesn't make me feel protected from the outside world and doesn't allow me to revel in my own company without people crossing by. The only time I can remember of that I could forgo this disinclination was after my second break-up, when I was too numb and sad to care. I sat there, crying in front of my laptop. Even then, I took great care to quickly wipe my tears away whenever I heard someone coming up and control myself to not cry too much in case someone comes up and speaks to me and hears how throaty my voice is (obviously from crying).
My lack of attachment to the deck is also due largely to the fact that I didn't decorate it. My mum did it (on her own accord, I never told her to). I had things in a certain way, but one day I came home and everything got shifted around. Secretly I was unhappy because I preferred the way things were before, although I didn't say anything to her. I did what I had control over - where to put the things I had. And that's it. If I can't have control over what I want a place to be like, it would never feel truly whole and mine.
It is just a bathroom, but it is my bathroom... I will miss it when I (inevitably) move.
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The other day, out of the blue, this primary school classmate of mine texted me. Note that the word I used here is "classmate" and not "friend".
We were in the same class in Primary 6, and despite the firmly held opinion in my 11-year-old mind that boys were disgusting and stupid, this boy Joker (yeah this is a fake name and it's stupid that's why I'm using it on him LOL but really, it sounds similar to the unregistered English name he used) and I struck up a friendship. We were not really close, like how close I was to Huashan, Cheryl, Ruth and my other dear friends of yesteryear, but he was always special because he was one of the only boy-friends I had. (I decided that I can't call him a "guy friend" because he wasn't really a "guy" then, he was just a boy)
Of course, we had our differences. I remember writing in my journal about how he always reached over to my pencil case (we sat next to each other), grabbing my liquid paper/stapler/whatever-stationary I used then and saying, "Lend me ah", and then proceeding to use a generous amount of it before I could even say yes or no. The 11-year-old me was annoyed.
Joker shared the same name (but different surname) with another boy who sat behind me. Joker No. 2 went on to go to Fuhua as well. Joker and Joker No. 2, disgusting little brats that they were, quickly became close. The girl sitting next to Joker No. 2 (we all sat in a boy-girl formation then), Dark Eye Rings (I'm naming her this cos when we were in P6 she already had dark eye rings. SERIOUSLY!) made friends with me too although we were never close. The four of us sat in class, Dark Eye Rings and I gasping and tutting in disapproval at how gross the boys were and we all laughed in class at random shit. But I digress.
Despite this, all of us were never close at all. When the bell rings, we would all head off to our own friends.
So imagine my surprise when Joker texted me the other day. Our conversation went something like this:
Joker: 慧恩!
Me: ?? (apathetic. and I don't know why he was typing in Chinese)
Joker: It is you right?
Me: Ya why
Although I felt a certain sense of closeness to Joker, these feelings rapidly evaporated when we got to secondary school and all of a sudden, he turned into this obnoxious prick. IT WAS SO STRANGE. In Sec 1 I spoke to him online and he was a different person entirely, all of a sudden so devoted to religion (Buddhism... I think). He came across to me as thinking he is much better than everyone else. Didn't know what the hell was wrong with him. Was angry and a little sad because he turned out like that but I got over it quickly.
So we text for a while (me sounding completely bored and apathetic) and then he goes,
Joker: Remember when the four of us (by this he means him, Joker No. 2, Dark Eye Rings and I) were like so close? We'd always talk and laugh in class! Do you still keep in contact with Dark Eye Rings?
Me: Lol no she never seemed to keep in contact after secondary school. We were close meh?
Joker: What the hell! How can you say that? I thought we had something special? (seeing this last line made me guffaw at my phone)
Sometimes I feel people are so idiotic. That I feel a certain way or think of certain things before most other people around my age do (not trying to imply that I am mature, but it seems most people don't think like I do) is a sad and encumbering situation to be caught in.
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If
If - Bread
If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show The you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away
Really beautiful song. Lyrics made me want to cry the first time I read them.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
what is wrong with people
On days like these I feel like curling up and isolating myself from the world.
Especially when things I say don't agree with others and I can't agree with them when they disagree with me.
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Thursday, September 8, 2011
closure, friendship, love
A few things led to the making of this blog - closure, friendship and love.
Amongst things I am disdainful of, the one I speak of most vehemently would be a lack of integrity. I can never accept it when a person is being - intentionally - untrue to himself and others. Writing requires one to be honest as well, and by now I've figured that to be honest to other people, you have to start by being honest to yourself. With this in mind, I will try not to omit things too much from my writing. Because I've learnt that being unafraid to say certain things can empower you, can free you from the demons and labels weighing you down.
It's not going to be easy, it's being fearless, but as Taylor Swift says, "Being fearless isn't being 100% not afraid - it's being terrified but you jump anyway." (Quoting this does not mean I am a hardcore Taylor Swift fan, although I do kind of like her.)
So here are the things that led to the conception of this blog.
CLOSURE
We went to Sentosa yesterday. By we, I mean my friends from Fuhua, there were 12 of us in total. While the others were playing out at the beach, I sat under the shelter and engaged in idle chitchat with a guy and a girl. The guy was really the only one talking, the girl and I were just listening and supplying responses.
He told us about something that had happened to someone from his school.
We didn't probe further. We moved on to other topics, catching up the way people do when they haven't seen each other for a while, reminiscing about the past and laughing at the same old things. What he said stayed on my mind though. I guess I'd kind of sensed it before it happened, though I really can't say how and why.
I was hung up over the whole incident for the longest time, walking around like the living dead, or at least that's how I saw myself then. A line in a book I read lately went goes "You don't die, you only wish you could" or something to that effect. It was applied to how a person feels after a breakup, the kind where you really loved the person. And I think it is so very true, but I couldn't see it at all back then. Because I was wishing to die without realising that I wouldn't.
Musing on this piece of newly gained information on the bus back home alone, thoughts flowered and bloomed on the surface of my mind and I held on to everyone of them. These thoughts had come in succession over the months that has passed ever since the break-up and had been floating about in my subconscious since each of their respective appearances. But some new thoughts came into being last night and joined the others and there was an almost inaudible chink in my brain, the pieces finally coming together, the puzzle complete.
It all makes sense now. I'm not going to pursue this any further.
FRIENDSHIP
This is the last time I am revisiting this topic. After this post, I will not look back on this anymore, ever again.
Over the past two years I've lost many friends, which is always a saddening thing to happen, but the most painful of all was, of course, losing my closest friend F. I don't think I can call her my best friend because she certainly didn't feel that way to me. Sure we were close, I felt closest to her amongst all my friends, she could relate to me best. But because she had so many "best friends", I didn't know how she could possibly feel as close as she was to everyone. I didn't know if F felt as close the way she was to me. So closest friend it was for me. That fitted me fine.
I'm not going to go through the arduous process of analysing our friendship and how it all started to break down (from my point of view anyway). After it happened, I have done it countless of times, in many different ways - posting about it on the old blog, subjecting other people to listen as I whined about it and thinking endlessly about it when I'm on my own. So I am not going to do it one more time because this baby's well over-run.
I was talking to Kwanboon the other day about this because he faced a similar situation. It was then that I really saw this issue come to an end, it was then I really allowed everything to slide away.
I don't know if she's going to read this (probably not) and if she does I don't care anyway. F, because you were my best friend, I felt very strongly about you. When we drifted apart and you did nothing to salvage the problem, it made me really angry. I hated you, but because you were my closest friend I still loved you. I have cried about this tons of times and allowed it to damage my relationship with other people. I cannot let this go on. I want to tell you this: you are no longer my friend. But I don't hate you anymore, neither am I angry. I have finally found my way to let you out of my life - something you had done so easily to me - without hating you. You say you've always felt close to me although we drifted. But I can't accept that. Like I told you, I cannot accept the idea of a friend who wants to stay close but doesn't make the effort to. You can't have your cake and eat it.
I am not going to hang around and wait for you anymore, because if I do I will never make new close friends, and also because this almost completely one-sided friendship is not worth this much pain. I will not reach out to you again.
When I see you again (as I surely will), I will not ignore you. But I will not let you enter my life again because I cannot accept a friend who comes and goes (again and again) as she wishes. I wish you all the best.
LOVE
I did not like G when he first pursued me. Initially I did not like him either when he tried again for a second time months later.
The second time, he was very persistent and I gave in to his affections. I developed a bit of a crush on him but it was also partly because I needed someone so badly that I accepted him.
He says he falls for people easily when he does he can love the person for a long time. I'm slightly different - I don't fall for people easily but when I do, I fall hard.
Because I got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons (the latter is obviously wrong, and we all know a crush doesn't last long - wow I didn't mean to make that rhyme), it wasn't long before I started to feel it was all doomed for failure and started to find my way out. But he persisted and showered me with tons of love.
I am thankful I have him. No one can predict the future and I don't know how things will turn out. But thank you for taking me when I was broken and healing me with all your love.
