Saturday, January 12, 2013
the heart and eyes
Dear friend, last night I dreamt of you.
Let me share with you how it unfolded.
xxxxxx
The fire alarm went off at 7.30 AM this morning. It freaked me out cos I was alone in the room, and there was hardly anyone back on my floor (or so it seems. Although there are signs of activity in the hallways I still haven't seen most of the people yet). I was half-tempted to stay in but I threw myself out of bed, stumbling around for my coat and boots.
Isn't it strange how when we were younger, we always think we would get braver when we get older? At least, that's what I believed. As a child I was always very easily terrified – even suspenseful background music on TV shows could freak me out. I always imagined there were ghosts or spirits watching me whenever I was alone (well, sometimes not alone) in the dark. But I always told myself that it was okay, because when I'm older, I'll be brave and these things won't scare me anymore. As I grew older, yeah, things changed; I developed an immunity, my level of tolerance for gore and horror heightened. But deep down I am still the same – the heart that beats within me today belonged also to the little girl who crowded her bed with toys because she believed they were company. And so even though I was tempted to stay in bed, the alarm frightened me and I made myself join the others outside in the cold, waiting for security to come turn the alarm off.
And people were talking. I stood at the edge of the top step, my back turned away from everybody else because I didn't want to socialize. Who the fuck sets off the fire alarm at 7.30 – this thought ran through my head repeatedly. Simultaneously I tried to convince myself there was no point getting pissed because we are all out here in the cold already anyway. Eavesdropped on people's conversations and got amused at how act cute one of the angmoh girls were. She is shorter than I am.
Finally the alarm stopped blaring and the lights stopped flashing. I tromped back upstairs and surprisingly only Serafina was behind me. When I opened the door to our hallway, there was only one other person. I knew some others had already returned to campus, so how could it be that there was only Serafina, the random dude, and I? Them bastards, I cursed, They must have stayed in their rooms.
"How was your break?" Serafina asked.
"Good," I answered noncommittally, turning the door knob on my room door. And then I gave a fake yawn. "I'm so sleepy."
Serafina laughed. "We'll catch up later," she said, as I closed my door shut. I pulled my feet out of my boots and shrugged out of my coat, throwing it on the floor. I hurled myself back up onto my bed, laid down and closed my eyes. Sleep eluded me, I was too awake now to fall back into sleep easily but I was determined to try. My mind drifted and floated, and then I thought of what I did last night. I thought of you. And my eyes flew open.
You were in my last conscious thoughts before I had fallen into slumber. And that triggered a recollection of the images that played in my mind in the hours before the fire alarm wrecked my sleep. I closed my eyes again and there it was.
xxxxxx
We were in uniform, standing around Yang laoshi in what is supposed to be two lines. School excursions don't come by often, but every time they do it seems like we defeat the purpose of it by fooling around.
Definitely, this was no exception. X and I were talking amongst ourselves at the back of our group. Light filled the space around us and I found us in Vivo City. Then I blinked and found myself sitting at the back of a conference room/classroom – still in Vivo City – and a lesson of sorts was taking place there. Not surprisingly, X was sitting next to me.
We listened to what the lecturer was saying for a while, and then I looked at X and tried to make light of was just being said. But X snapped at me, annoyed. It was confounding, considering moments ago we were still prattling on heartily before we came into the classroom. I tried again and again to talk to her, but it was always the same – X would glare at me and dish out a scolding. Soon I got mad and we started quarreling, quietly, the way you do when you want to talk in class but not get called out.
I can't remember what X said at last, but it must have been immensely frustrating because at this point I turned away from her. I closed my eyes again, feeling the hot tears brimming underneath my eyelids. The eyes that help me see today belonged also to the little girl who had her eyes shut to contain tears that threatened to overspill, whenever it was that they came.
When it felt okay, like I could manage, I opened my eyes again, and there on the grey table in front of me was a packet of tissue (sidenote: lol Theo's blog URL. I swear this is not intentional). I turned to look at the person whose hand offered the packet to me, and found that X still looked mad... But not as mad as before? I'm not sure. Can't tell. But I grabbed a piece of tissue out of the pack anyway, folded it, pressed it to the rims of my eyes – closed, once again – seeping away the tears. It has always been how I wiped my tears away, even as a little girl.
And I thought it would end there, but it didn't. I could not stop crying – suddenly the tears gushed out and a bawl escaped my lips. Innately I could tell this was the beginning of an outburst. Everyone turned to look at me but I fled, hiding my face in the tissue.
A plant shop appeared in front of me once I dropped the tissue, and I regarded it with my red, swollen eyes. The lady at the counter stood there somewhat mechanically, as if she was not real, a robotic Nurse Joy.
"Can I see the doctor, please," I asked her. "My eyes are really swollen."
No response. I took it as a no. I walked across the shop, passing by a clear glass window that revealed a dark, empty room. In my reflection, the skin around my eyes were red and my eyelids were puffy.
I ran and found Yang laoshi, seated at a canteen table next to another teacher, a bunch of paperwork before them. I sat myself down across from her and opened my mouth immediately as she registered my presence and regarded me with a steely narrow of the eyes.
"I'm sorry I ran off," I apologized.
Her expression did not change.
"I had an argument with X," I explained desperately. "I'm sure you know she's my best friend... I'm sorry for running away, but I just felt really bad. And I didn't want to cry in front of everyone."
Yang laoshi still looked displeased, but in her eyes I could see she had relented. I smiled, and the light filled up the space around us.
xxxxxx
"那又和苦呢"
Eyes open.
The question resonated in my head. Last night I'd asked myself the same thing, conjured an answer, but now it seems it has been completely erased.
"I'm doing it because I want to"
But what do I get in return? Perhaps asking for things in return is selfish of me. How telling this is, of my character?
I just thought we were more than this.
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