Friday, November 9, 2012
Lol lying in bed now typing this when I should be sleeping, or at least trying to.
The room is dark save for the light from my phone.
Today those feelings swept me again. I have been going strong for a couple of weeks now and I truly believed things were going to stay that way but no. Once again, I have allowed myself to feel sad today... For absolutely no reason at all.
It's not even like listening to a song and being transported somewhere. Not even getting into a fight with someone or the self-hate when I push off an assignment for too long and have to stay up through my constant yawns, and the hours burning away just to finish it.
I'm trying to console myself with my belief that life is all about balance – nobody is happy all the time. Sometimes you lose balance to gain greater equilibrium.
Or maybe this is all just stemming from a hormonal imbalance ugh but I don't think so.
The idea of racism has been bugging me lately. While 99% of the people here are not outright racist to me, and are mostly nice, most people here aren't very inclusive :( Nobody reaches out to you very much and it's really hard for me to make friends here when I don't even understand their humor and culture haha. It made me realize today that I was never born street smart, I have always been entrapped in my own little bubble. As time went by and I was made to interact with people more, through my own misgivings and mistakes I learnt how to make friends and get a good read on people... But only in Singapore. I guess my street smarts were never innate, they were nurtured and what I always had was (merely?) a very strong instinctual grasp of the vibes people give off. Now that's a nice way of putting it, but perhaps it's just fancy lingo for “oversensitive”. Who knows?
Coming here, my reads on people have turned out quite wrong. Like initially I had thought Ji-hee was nice but now I kinda... Despise her lol. That's a strong word but that's what it is. I was annoyed with Michelle at first cos I thought she was too exuberant but now I think I would just die here if not for her.
I am frickin' glad I have Michelle as my roommate and friend.
All these issues I'm facing stemming from racial divide really piss me off. It saddens me because I have never felt this way before and now I feel so bad looking at the banglas in Singapore with 歧视的眼光. But honestly if you ask me, when I go back I will probably still be rather aloof to them cos I am afraid of being sexually harassed, etc. Now, though, I do realize that deep down we are all humans and I believe there is good in everyone, it's just a matter of how far in you have to reach to draw the goodness out. So when I go back, I'll try not to be mean to banglas anymore as much as I can. (Not that I was mean to them to begin with but I was always very suspicious and wary around them: “Why this bangla sitting there drinking, I better walk faster so I can get home faster,” or; on a train departing from or en route to Jurong East, “Walao so crowded why these banglas always want to hang out at JE one”)
Ok la I should go sleep sigh. This diatribe shall be continued at a more suitable time.
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