Sunday, July 8, 2012
nail bed
I went to count how many posts I wrote for the month of June and I realized I only had 10 posts, which comes up to an average of 1 post a day. That is not a very good number and I need to write more. Right now it's a week into July and I don't even have one proper post (the one below does not count) and this is very bad.
Life for me is strange in that at times I feel like my heart is so empty and there's nothing in me to show at all but at other times things get so overwhelming I get pressurized and I'm so asphyxiated I can't even find the right words to say.
Thursday marked the official end of my life in Ngee Ann's Mass Communication and hell yes I went out explosively... It depends on how you look at it. After submitting the withdrawal form I got into this huge fight with my mom – basically her going on at me for 20 minutes at the FMS car park while I stood there looking most displeased – but it wasn't as dramatic as it sounded.
I was very heartened to have people coming over right after to attempt to cheer me up. Right after my mom left I sat down at the bench facing the FMS carpark looking emo and all with tears flooding my eyes and lo and behold, Honkei popped up in my peripheral vision. I was ready to burst into tears in front of the right person(s) but clearly Honkei was not one of them and I just started chanting this mantra in my head, "Stop it loser, crying is for the weak" and held my tears back. It worked until each time I got agitated whilst explaining to Honkei what happened and the tears would come back but I would make myself compose. The company was good but I guess he didn't really know what to do or say so he left after a while.
Although I kinda only wanted to see Ben and maybe Alicia, many of the others tagged along hahaha. I appreciated everyone's concern, I still do, but really seeing them made me force myself to smile and laugh which I guess in a way was not a bad thing. Before that I thought I was probably gonna sit there and sulk and rant until I felt better but since the circumstances were different I had to behave differently.
At this point I don't really know how to go on saying what happened subsequently or what happened over the past few weeks/days but I just feel like I have this huge tendency to really fuck things up. It's in my nature somehow, I don't know how and why this happens. It's like sometimes I get so self-assured like I'm doing the right thing but once in a while (or once in many whiles) God – or whoever it is up there, anywhere – sends me this huge, figurative slap and I'm sent flying back, the air punched out of my gut. Hahaha I guess the image of it is quite comical somehow but right now this is how I feel. It sucks when whatever you think you've been doing right... Turns out to be wrong, and all your prior deeds (which you thought were all CORRECT) come back and drag you down.
Argh I feel so emotional I can't even. Please don't let this be PMS.
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