Friday, March 9, 2012
Nerves
So it's 2 AM and yet again I'm typing this post out on my phone, in the darkness and comfort of my room. I can't seem to fall into slumber — I had thought after all the proceedings of college applications are over and done with, I'd get my peace of mind but no, the past couple of hours have seen me standing (or actually, lying on my bed) corrected.
I checked my email a few hours back and found an email from Bob Baldwin, Allegheny's Admission Officer, congratulating me on my acceptance to Allegheny. While I'm relieved that at least I'm accepted somewhere, a bigger part of me is left struck by the gravity of the situation — in August, I'd be leaving Singapore for real and living out in America amongst throngs of angmohs.
Ever since Sec 3 or 4 when I told people I might be leaving Singapore to study overseas, people would inevitably ask me whether I would miss Singapore and/or how I could just let go of everything and everyone I knew and just strike it out in a completely new and foreign environment?
I didn't understand the concerns behind those questions, I always brushed them aside. I couldn't understand how people could be so attached to places and people, especially when in my case I knew I would always, eventually, return. I always told people that yes, predictably I would be homesick for sure, but I would get used to it and it's not like I was leaving forever! At my lowest points in school... I even told people that I couldn't wait to just get the hell out of here and start on a fresh slate in the States. I truly meant it.
It also baffled me when people told me, [in response to how I was excited to study overseas] "You are so brave, I can never do that." I didn't understand why anybody at all would feel that this was something difficult to do, because although maybe not many people around us have gone overseas to study, the fact that it isn't a road less travelled still stands! (Tons of people have studied overseas, survived, graduated and lived to tell the tale).
But now...
I don't really know why I'm nervous, and nervous only now. And part of me is afraid that nobody will miss me when I'm gone lolol.
I'm also feeling a bit guilty about going to Allegheny because I am likely to transfer out to a better college after a semester or two... So now, if I do go to Allegheny, I would feel like I'm exploiting Bob Baldwin's kindness because he accepted me :( Even if I DON'T accept Allegheny, I would also feel bad because he accepted me most likely based on his ties with my family (since he has met my parents and I before). Urgh I hate it when personal relations get in the way of work... Really have to 公私分明 from here on out :(
Perhaps what's contributing to my insomnia is also the fact that I texted Felicia to ask her out for dinner in 2 weeks or so. My mind cannot shut up and just let me go to sleep.
Luckily she agreed (actually it's not like she could not want to go because that would kind of put her in a bad light, right?). After she agreed to go for dinner with Justin and I, though, my mind was just chanting the following mantra incessantly: "If you dare cancel on us at the last minute again I will seriously not be friends with you anymore."
I've been thinking about the idea of resolving this issue — whatever it even is — between us both for a while now... I think maybe since January. Something changed in January, maybe the planets and stars formed some sort of special cosmic alliance and suddenly I found within me a brand of courage to do this. It hadn't been there before. On a pragmatic side, I just wanted to settle everything before (potentially) leaving too. In a way I guess it's like catharsis... So I will really feel like a new person when I'm at college... This is a hope I need.
Have been going insane lately with a certain personal issue, oh how I wish Sheryl was here for me to rant to :'( I told Phoebe about it and whilst she wasn't able to help, telling her about it provided some respite... Which lasted all of 3 hours or so LOL.
In other news, I'm in the Logistics Committee for the upcoming FMS Freshmen Bonding Camp with Theo, Phoebe, another guy and another girl. Oh, and also a Year 3-to-be senior from FSV — I couldn't figure out if his name was spelt as 'Lincoln' or 'Linkin' hahaha.
Part of me is NOT looking forward to the camp at all, because it is an FMS event after all and I am totally not an FMS kid haha. The mass meeting we had this week at the lecture theatre left me feeling out of sorts because the FMS atmosphere was completely and utterly palpable and more acutely than ever I noticed how out of place I felt. However, I'm thankful I signed up for Log Comm because there's Theo and Phoebe and I suppose we won't have to interact much with the other campers anyway. I am so bringing my laptop to play Pokémon in our spare time HAHAHA.
I feel a little better now cos I've written all this down. Oh writing, I've forgotten how therapeutic you can be. Thank you for purging all the poison and nourishing the depths of my soul.
Might be switching to tumblr/wordpress, I REALLY like blogger but the lack of option to password protect my posts is painful and unbearable :( I know some of you might be thinking well this blog is already locked why would you still want to password protect your posts? To that my answer is: there are just some things I'd rather keep to myself and not have anyone know hahaha.
Okay goodnight everyone X
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