Thursday, September 8, 2011
closure, friendship, love
A few things led to the making of this blog - closure, friendship and love.
Amongst things I am disdainful of, the one I speak of most vehemently would be a lack of integrity. I can never accept it when a person is being - intentionally - untrue to himself and others. Writing requires one to be honest as well, and by now I've figured that to be honest to other people, you have to start by being honest to yourself. With this in mind, I will try not to omit things too much from my writing. Because I've learnt that being unafraid to say certain things can empower you, can free you from the demons and labels weighing you down.
It's not going to be easy, it's being fearless, but as Taylor Swift says, "Being fearless isn't being 100% not afraid - it's being terrified but you jump anyway." (Quoting this does not mean I am a hardcore Taylor Swift fan, although I do kind of like her.)
So here are the things that led to the conception of this blog.
CLOSURE
We went to Sentosa yesterday. By we, I mean my friends from Fuhua, there were 12 of us in total. While the others were playing out at the beach, I sat under the shelter and engaged in idle chitchat with a guy and a girl. The guy was really the only one talking, the girl and I were just listening and supplying responses.
He told us about something that had happened to someone from his school.
We didn't probe further. We moved on to other topics, catching up the way people do when they haven't seen each other for a while, reminiscing about the past and laughing at the same old things. What he said stayed on my mind though. I guess I'd kind of sensed it before it happened, though I really can't say how and why.
I was hung up over the whole incident for the longest time, walking around like the living dead, or at least that's how I saw myself then. A line in a book I read lately went goes "You don't die, you only wish you could" or something to that effect. It was applied to how a person feels after a breakup, the kind where you really loved the person. And I think it is so very true, but I couldn't see it at all back then. Because I was wishing to die without realising that I wouldn't.
Musing on this piece of newly gained information on the bus back home alone, thoughts flowered and bloomed on the surface of my mind and I held on to everyone of them. These thoughts had come in succession over the months that has passed ever since the break-up and had been floating about in my subconscious since each of their respective appearances. But some new thoughts came into being last night and joined the others and there was an almost inaudible chink in my brain, the pieces finally coming together, the puzzle complete.
It all makes sense now. I'm not going to pursue this any further.
FRIENDSHIP
This is the last time I am revisiting this topic. After this post, I will not look back on this anymore, ever again.
Over the past two years I've lost many friends, which is always a saddening thing to happen, but the most painful of all was, of course, losing my closest friend F. I don't think I can call her my best friend because she certainly didn't feel that way to me. Sure we were close, I felt closest to her amongst all my friends, she could relate to me best. But because she had so many "best friends", I didn't know how she could possibly feel as close as she was to everyone. I didn't know if F felt as close the way she was to me. So closest friend it was for me. That fitted me fine.
I'm not going to go through the arduous process of analysing our friendship and how it all started to break down (from my point of view anyway). After it happened, I have done it countless of times, in many different ways - posting about it on the old blog, subjecting other people to listen as I whined about it and thinking endlessly about it when I'm on my own. So I am not going to do it one more time because this baby's well over-run.
I was talking to Kwanboon the other day about this because he faced a similar situation. It was then that I really saw this issue come to an end, it was then I really allowed everything to slide away.
I don't know if she's going to read this (probably not) and if she does I don't care anyway. F, because you were my best friend, I felt very strongly about you. When we drifted apart and you did nothing to salvage the problem, it made me really angry. I hated you, but because you were my closest friend I still loved you. I have cried about this tons of times and allowed it to damage my relationship with other people. I cannot let this go on. I want to tell you this: you are no longer my friend. But I don't hate you anymore, neither am I angry. I have finally found my way to let you out of my life - something you had done so easily to me - without hating you. You say you've always felt close to me although we drifted. But I can't accept that. Like I told you, I cannot accept the idea of a friend who wants to stay close but doesn't make the effort to. You can't have your cake and eat it.
I am not going to hang around and wait for you anymore, because if I do I will never make new close friends, and also because this almost completely one-sided friendship is not worth this much pain. I will not reach out to you again.
When I see you again (as I surely will), I will not ignore you. But I will not let you enter my life again because I cannot accept a friend who comes and goes (again and again) as she wishes. I wish you all the best.
LOVE
I did not like G when he first pursued me. Initially I did not like him either when he tried again for a second time months later.
The second time, he was very persistent and I gave in to his affections. I developed a bit of a crush on him but it was also partly because I needed someone so badly that I accepted him.
He says he falls for people easily when he does he can love the person for a long time. I'm slightly different - I don't fall for people easily but when I do, I fall hard.
Because I got into the relationship for all the wrong reasons (the latter is obviously wrong, and we all know a crush doesn't last long - wow I didn't mean to make that rhyme), it wasn't long before I started to feel it was all doomed for failure and started to find my way out. But he persisted and showered me with tons of love.
I am thankful I have him. No one can predict the future and I don't know how things will turn out. But thank you for taking me when I was broken and healing me with all your love.
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