Thursday, March 14, 2013
updatezzz
We lead starkly different lives now. And that's fine by me. But it's just sad to know that the overlap between my life and some people's can be so small, when it used to be very big. But that's okay, these things happen.
This morning I was talking to Michelle and I realized I haven't been writing about what has been going on in my life very specifically, so I'm going to just do a summary of what has actually happened so that I'll look back and remember haha.
God I feel so nervous now I don't know why. The hairs on my body are literally standing.
The roommate conflict reached a fever pitch when we came back this semester. Everything detonated on the second day when Michelle and Ginger Hannah got into a fight one morning; I woke up to their fighting. After some time meetings with the RAs were planned, altercations still happened, we tried to resolve them, mostly things are okay now because I think we are all comforted by looming Spring Break and imminent end of the school year (only 6 more weeks of classes after a week of Spring Break!). I'm fine with Hannah now although some of the things still bug me but these things can't be helped I suppose because we just have really different living habits.
With friends from back home... The only people I talk to consistently enough now are Sheryl, Javan and Zexun. People I talk to with a sporadic consistency are Ahkiat, Zhihao (hi Lau ren if you're reading this lol), Brendan since a month ago (but he's in army now), Justin, and Kelila. I'm probably gonna get judged la because I talk to guys a lot but hey fuck you I don't care. I know I'm not a tease and that's good enough for me. And I talk to Sheryl A LOT (i.e. everyday if we can help it) god part of me marvels at the fact that I used to be annoyed when she would spam me incessantly. Now it's like she has melded her position in my life and I honestly believe if she were to leave I would be very very sad. She is in Jakarta now and is unable to get connection I MISS YOU ALREADY SHERYL :'(
I talk to Theo/Phoebe/Alicia perhaps once a month or so. THEO ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING READING THIS. I know Phoebe reads my blog but maintains this silent, voyeuristic stance. I hope you guys are enjoying internship, and yes FMS is rather hellish and maybe because I've been out of it for so long now I cannot relate... But I really do wish the best happiness for you guys, please don't be so emo okay it breaks my heart.
It's midterms week and I have a Sociology exam later. The study guide I prepared is next to me on the table but I just can't bring myself to revise it again because I'm so affected by some news I learnt of this morning. Caffeine has this ability to make you exceptionally sensitive to everything; now I'm all high-strung and wired and I hate it but this clear alertness feels great too.
Applied to 4 schools for a transfer, but the only one I really really want to get into is Mount Holyoke College.
My classes this semester have been going great for the most part, but I kind of dread Sociology and Religious Studies. Both classes are 75 minutes long each, and they're on the same days. So my Tuesdays and Thursdays go by very tediously. Sociology: while I enjoy the texts and things we learn, Professor Williams is SO leftist oh god I don't think I can take it. I'm definitely not very conservative but to so blatantly impose your political/social views in class... I don't appreciate that because teachers should try to maintain some neutrality. Objectivity seems like an impossible ideal but it doesn't mean you shouldn't TRY.
Religious Studies is a bore because Professor Olson was sick and his classes were just lectures with him droning on and on but I had to keep myself rapt and attentive because I knew if I let my attention slip a little bit, I would miss out on a lot. You could argue it's the same for every class, and this isn't to say I don't give my full attention in other classes, but the readings for Religious Studies confuse me so the lectures are really to clarify my doubts (or they just end up confusing me even further sometimes).... But Professor Olson is not returning for the remainder of the semester and they got somebody else to come take over the class. He doesn't seem to know what he's doing, I get the sense he's just making his way through and that he doesn't have the right knowledge and capacity on the topic of the class, i.e. Zen Buddhism. Whenever he teaches I get all skeptical because he's just not as convincing as Professor Olson! Whatever he says doesn't even correspond a 100% with the readings!
I lost weight. I'm happy.
Got kind of depressed last month when a friend tore himself away from me. Actually, he didn't do that. I guess it's my own fault because I misjudged the position he had in my life. Put him closer to me than he was ready for, and willing to stand. So it's not really his fault, I guess my expectations were wrong. God as I write this I feel like crying. I am at work so no, I'm not going to. It hurts nonetheless but I only have myself to blame for my own stupid expectations. It's like I thought he stood next to me when really he was a mile away, and then I turned around and realized he was really far away... I almost can't see him from where I stand at all. Ultimately it's my own erroneous belief that is to blame, right? But still it hurts it hurts it hurts but... I... Will be okay.
Can't wait for today, and the Sociology exam, to be over. My Spring Break will be spent in Washington, DC and New Orleans, locations of my sister's choice. At this point I just need to get out of academia a little bit because my mind is driving itself insane. Have been running in circles chasing my own tail like a little dog and the speed at which I'm going is going to make me veer and fall to the side. Am barely holding myself together; some days I feel fine, on others I feel like shit. I need my cameras.
OOH I JUST CHECKED AND MY POLAROID CAMERA IS HERE /wide smile but I can't take any pictures with it because I don't have any Polaroid films. BUT STILL
Finished 1Q84 last month, my Kindle is awesome. The book took me over a month to finish, I read it during the small gaps of time between classes, meals and work, and before I went to bed. A month is a really long time to finish a book but I am kind of okay with that because this book in corporeality is a thousand pages. Toiling my way through The Presidents' Club and Quiet now, both of which are nonfiction books. I want to just jump right into another fiction book already but I'm not really sure if I could commit to another book at this point without giving up the ones I'm already reading right now. The Presidents' Club will take quite a lot of time to finish because it's as long as 1Q84 I think. Spring Break shall be made use of as much as possible for READING. And phototaking, if my cameras get here on time.
Professor Barbara Shaw is awesome... I love her. :')
Abrupt end to post because I'm getting off work and going for lunch.
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