Sunday, March 3, 2013
the brutal truth about friendship
Here I am, a bowl of too-watery bak kut teh porridge in front of me (it's bak kut teh porridge because I added bak kut teh stock to the porridge). We shall allow the truth to admit itself.
I've been thinking a lot about friendship. It's one of those topics that are perpetually on my mind, probably because of my constant search for a type of friendship that might not even exist in this world anymore. I still believe in the strength of the bonds between the Harry-Ron-Hermione trio, I do, but reality has me wondering again and again whether that is nothing but a fallacy; an apocryphal dream.
Friendship is a symbiotic relationship. I think no matter which way you look at it, this is the truth, at least fundamentally. We need friends, we cannot be hermits. (Granted there are people who have managed to go by completely alone but I will address that some other time)
Why do we make friends? I think it best to address this question by assessing the very first few relationships we establish outside of the home. In primary school (or it could be preschool, but here I am just going to use primary school) you make your very first friend, and this act is pushed forth by several remote forces that we probably wouldn't notice if we don't assess the situation.
This is a tough one for me to answer because I have no idea what other people were thinking when they first made their friends, and I remember spending much of my first year in primary school very much alone. It simply didn't bother me, being alone, and I went about things by myself. Many recesses were spent walking back and forth the canteen pondering what I should buy with my daily pocket money of $1, or practicing going across and back on the monkey bars. Everything I did, I did alone.
This is not to say that I repelled friendship; I just never sought it. Looking at this time frame of my childhood people might say, "Wow, you sure were a pathetic kid." But I don't think I was pathetic because back then I was so comfortable being alone.
And then P2 came by and this was when I really started to make friends. It occurred naturally: others approached me ("Do you want to go for recess together"), I joined in. It was through this that I – consciously or not – realized the joys and benefits of friendship. It is fun hanging out with someone. It is fun laughing with someone. I can call Marilyn if I forget to copy down the list of homework we have for today. Whoa, Xinyi didn't do her homework too, at least later when Ms Kavitha throws me and my bag out of class I won't be alone.
Among my most vivid memories of this year is buying fruit punch from the drink stall (50 cents), drinking it, and then digging into the cup to take out the huge chunks of ice. I remember I started it, but I don't know how, but I started the group activity of throwing ice at the wall nearest to the edge of the canteen where we always sat. Someone was appalled when I first did it, but it was too fun to resist and soon everyone joined in. We competed to see whose pieces of ice exploded the most splendidly upon hitting the wall.
Since then, deep down I have always believed in the notions of "friends forever", that a really good and true friend would do everything and anything for you, and you will be in each other's lives always. Where and how I got these ideas though, I don't know. Over the years I've lost many friends, so this belief got altered a little: you won't be friends forever with all your friends, but you can be friends forever with one (or some) of them.
Looking at it from the perspective of a child, so we're friends with people because:
- of the company, the simultaneous act of providing and deriving joy to/from another individual through time spent together;
- so when you're in deep shit at least there might be someone to take the fall with you, and that makes things a whole lot better;
- when you need help with problems you can't solve on your own, you have people to call out to for help.
While it may seem overly simplistic, I think it applies even as we grow older. As we grow older though, it seems like reason #3 starts to become the biggest motivating factor for many friendships. That is why the term "networking" exists in the adult world, but not in the world of children.
Considering the aforementioned reasons, the ultimate reason we are friends with people can be crystallized into this one statement: we are friends with people so we can establish deeper roots with them that enables them to fulfill some of our situational needs. Is that not an incredibly selfish reason to be friends with people?
We don't think about these things when we befriend people, but I think these are the underlying motives beneath the act of making friends, and it is so deep within us... We don't even realize it.
But even going along with this, some people might argue that it is not entirely selfish because in a friendship, while we expect the other party to "fulfill some of our situational needs", we are obliged to do the same for them. In this case, friendship cannot said to be selfish then – at worst it can only be labelled as symbiotic.
But it doesn't end there. It's not always a perfect balance; the amount of give and take within a friendship is often not 50-50. And this is what kills me the most, because I often feel like I've got so much I'm willing to give (even if I haven't given it yet), but my friends don't even seem to reciprocate with even nearly a fraction of what I can give. But should I even be having expectations for people? Should I expect something out of them? If I'm truly a good friend, then I should give without expecting returns, right?
But I can't. I need to know that people won't leave.
Maybe it's the same for them too. That's why nobody dares to take the first step.
And then there's the idea of taking the first step, only for it to be to no avail. Just because you're willing to have someone be that friend you would do everything for, it doesn't mean they are willing to do the same. It's like laying your heart bare for someone to see, only to have them handle it brusquely. It is going to hurt. Yet you cannot blame them; friendship supposes at least a sprinkle of kismet and chemistry. Much like love, you can't force it. If the feeling is not there, it's just not there.
Am I wrong then to expect something from my friends? To want at least an indicator that they're not going to take my heart and hurl it at the wall like how I threw ice cubes?????
/breathes in sharply and exhales
I've accepted that some friends are never going to do as much for me as I'm willing to do for them. And that's okay. I've adjusted the level of care, trust, and concern that I'm willing to put in too. Maybe that's selfish of me to do. But it's the only way that makes everything more acceptable, less painful.
I've accepted that between his bros and me, I can count on Theo to run, invariably, to them.
I've accepted that I might just never cut through all the self-imposed walls and embargos on socializing, and become very close to Phoebe.
I've accepted that while I am very close to Sheryl, I will never be the BFF like what her BFFs are to her.
This is not a complaint; this is not a vent. I still love you guys, I have simply just accepted that this is all it is. And I am not expecting anything more from you all because I am thankful for what you have all given me.
I guess I'm just feeling a tad sensitive about all this now because I very recently came to the realization that someone whom I had thought would stay forever in my life has not, and does not intend to cement his position after all. He is still here; I am thankful for that. It is knowing that he can and will leave whenever he wants to that pains me. This knowledge, combined with other catalysts, seems to have developed a void within me. Which may explain why for the past few days I've been stuffing myself with food nonstop wtf, could I be trying to fill up the chasm with food? Wtf.
Nothing is permanent; all is transitory, I know that. But I just want to know that there's someone out there who will try to be there always.
I know someday I'll meet my best friend(s), and he's/she's/they're going to stay in my life forever. Which is why I have to be patient and wait for this bond that transcends the ordinary. Because a friendship this majestic/strong/magical is one that's worth waiting for.
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