Monday, March 11, 2013
lookin' for adventuuuure
Updating here instead of doing my schoolwork because I am an avid procrastinator. Procrastination always comes with guilt because you're constantly being haunted by the thought of "Oh God I shouldn't be doing this I should be doing [insert productive activity here]", but hey when did that ever stop us right? We still procrastinate anyway. It's only a matter of how well we can control it, procrastination is impossible to eliminate.
The terrible part of it is, lately I haven't been able to effectively manage my procrastination at all. It makes me wonder if I'm losing control.
I want to blame the Mount Holyoke trip for breaking my routine and well yeah maybe that did shake things up a little bit but it's been nearly a month and to use miso soup as an analogy, the miso powder settles eventually after you have stirred the soup. So there is no excuse... 3 weeks is long enough to readapt to a routine.
Perhaps it's because I feel so disjointed, like I'm leading too many different lives. To an extent that has always been the case: I've got my life here, I've got my life back home. But I guess living out two different identities has its strains.
Ultimately, I am me. There is no denying that. But who I am here is just... So — no, I don't know if I can use "so", so I'd just settle for "quite" — quite different from who I am back home. I have never been the loudest person around, never been the one who made fun of myself to elicit laughter. Back home I talked a lot more, though. I think a lot about things here (not to say that I didn't back home, hey if you know me well enough you'll know I've always been neurotic) but it ends there. Everything stays inside, perhaps it's festering and now this pressure is manifesting itself in the ugliest ways.
Control. It has always been important to me. Have been told many times by people – implicitly, directly, or subtly – that I guard myself too much. I know this to be true because while I am open, frank, and candid, there are always parts of myself I keep a tight rein on. I think it's rare for people to catch me seriously off-guard. I'm not best at thinking on my feet but I'd like to believe I lie or put up a good enough guise to throw people off from what I'm really thinking. Or maybe I have overestimated by own chameleonic abilities haha.
It's not just in the way I present myself. I'm not the most hardworking person, but not the laziest either. Working hard for what you want is something I believe in. Sometimes I don't feel like doing things but I always, always force myself through it. Can't say I put in a 100% every single time because undeniably I can get extremely half-assed about plenty of things. Even if I've failed, somehow, because of the little effort I put in the fall has always been cushioned and it never felt too bad, although it's still a fall nonetheless and I feel the pain enough to guilt myself into working hard the next time round.
I have lost that now, and I don't know why. It has just slipped away from me recently and I just really don't know why. There's this void in its place but the problem is I can't even fucking describe what I've lost. Certainly not facing an existential crisis or anything of that sort but I really don't know what brought on this lack of motivation.
This isn't to say there aren't things I want to do. I've been grilling myself with "What the fuck is wrong with me why don't I feel like doing anything" but then I realized there are things I want to do. I just realized all these things: a) have almost nothing to do with graded schoolwork; b) are things I can do back home.
So maybe I miss home.
Which is a huge slap in my face, I think. This semester I've been settling in quite nicely and I really don't feel that out of place anymore. It's as if I've had long enough of a presence here and I've made my own idiosyncratic mark on this campus. Whether I like it or not is another story, but I no longer think to myself, "What the fuck am I doing here?"
So I don't know why I miss home. I don't even think I miss it, that much. This call, this deep yearning, it has to be for something more, something deeper. Right?
In the spirit of full disclosure here are things I'd much rather be doing:
1. Taking pictures with a film camera
And this is going to happen, I swear. Just last night I bought a fucking instant Polaroid camera (only $15 with shipping!) but FML I didn't have the sensibility to check how much the film would cost. And guess how much it is? Answer: $3 apiece. FUCK. I got incredibly mad with myself; the thoughts that put my head on overdrive: how could I not have checked the film cost before buying the camera, now I have a chunky piece of plastic that I can't even use, and I have to lug it home on a transcontinental flight lasting for a day, and then upon arriving at Changi Airport I have to lug it across the island to my new house in Lakeside. Fuck la.
My impulsively acquired Polaroid Impulse
Guess what? Didn't stop me from being completely reckless: a few hours ago I bought 3 more film cameras (only $13.85 with shipping!) on eBay. Now I'll have more chunks of plastic to lug home (at least I can use them). Also bought black and white film ($12 for 6 rolls of 12 exposure!) because I cannot wait to use the cameras to take pictures.
Pink LeClic 38mm Easy Shot 1000; Yellow Vivitar A35 Splashproof; Black Polaroid 35mm
They are all from the 90s. So they're around my age. Cool! Let's be friends. Wtf.
Black and white film roll x6
Now I'm bidding on two separate listings on eBay for films for my instant Polaroid camera. If I win, I'll get 20 pieces of film costing an average of $1 apiece. Not cheap, but hell it's less inexpensive than the ones listed on The Impossible Project (sole existing manufacturer for Polaroid films), so I'll take it. Fuck I am actually super excited to use my Polaroid camera. I told Sheryl I want to use it to take pictures of people I care about, and those pictures will mean a lot to me because each piece of film is so expensive, I will very carefully pick the subject matter of those pictures. Also told her she's one of the people whom I will take a picture of and she said "I LIKE THAT" HAHAHA.
DOES NOT NEGATE THE FACT THAT I BLEW OVER 30 BUCKS IN A DAY ON THESE PIECES OF PLASTIC I WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO TAKE WITH ME ON A (NEARLY) 9500 MILE JOURNEY HOME
But I know if I don't do it, my mind cannot be at peace. As fucking dramatic as that sounds. Ever since last night the cameras have just consumed my mind. Images of cameras pervaded my restless slumber. The moment I woke up I grabbed my phone to scroll through listings of film and camera on eBay and Etsy. In my classes today, my mind was like two trains travelling on two tracks – one chugging along with the pace of the class, the other rushing by with a constant rumble of "WhichcamerashouldIbuywhichcamerashouldIbuy oh god I need to buy that camera before somebody else gets it I NEED THAT CAMERAAAAAA"
I can't wait to hold them in my hands. Come to me soon, cameras. We will be best of friends. /psychotic smile of a mentally disturbed being who has to resort to deriving friendship and companionship from old cameras
2. Making videos and documentaries
Not going to reveal too much about it here but I intend to shoot a documentary back home this summer. It will be about the acting industry in Singapore. I'm doing this out of my own interest in the subject, not really because I wanna be like "Hey look I'm so fucking amazing I made a documentary! Am I not the most capable person ever?" In fact it probably will turn out to be more like a vlog than a snazzy, professional documentary, especially since I don't have a high-definition camera to shoot with.
Am I deluding myself when I say I have this irrational confidence that an awesome camera will just magically appear for my usage...? I really believe so! I don't know why. It's just this strange premonition! I just know it's going to happen.
3. Designing/Constructing an accessories rack
And I did the first part of this already.
Was trying to write my FS paper yesterday when I got distracted because this idea just struck me. J.K. Rowling says the idea for Harry Potter came to her on a delayed train ride, and she said the idea must have been floating around in the air looking for a home when it decided on zooming into her empty head. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I FELT. I was getting pissed with myself because I wasn't even writing my paper properly (no motivation, remember?), and it's not that I dreaded it or didn't want to do it but I just... Couldn't do it. Then this idea consumed me the way the cameras did today/last night.
I have many bangles back home and the current racks available that people use are really not ergonomic at all (in my opinion)! So I started to think that maybe I could make one for myself that I would use. That's when it started... I spent the rest of the next few hours researching what kinds of storage systems/racks for bangles are already on the market. I am happy to say that I have come up with a new design mwahahahaha I'm going to build it on my own when I go home and then when I'm done with it I will gaze upon with a motherly pride
DOES NOT NEGATE THE FACT THAT I BLEW OFF 3 HOURS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT WORKING ON MY PAPER
4. Shopping for a new wardrobe
Lest you think I am an utterly lazy and frivolous bimbo, I am telling you right now: SHOPPING REQUIRES SKILL. Or more specifically, creating a new wardrobe is an art form that requires skill and sound judgment.
My days of being a passive shopper are long over. THE NEW ERA BEGINS NOW. (Er, actually, it has begun for me about a week ago. But anyway.) I have decided to stop buying shitty and ill-fitting clothes that look nice on the model but look terrible on me. I have decided to stop buying these clothes that I always end up not wearing. It takes a toll on my wallet and I'm sure it takes a toll on the clothes as well; how sad they must feel, spending their days stashed in a dark corner of a drawer, squashed alongside other garments, never to see the light of the day! And when they do see the light of the day, they are promptly thrown into a pile that eventually ends up in a garbage bag en route to the incinerator/Salvation Army wtf.
I also do not want to look like shit anymore. Here in Meadville I still dress like shit because there is no one I care enough about to want to leave a good impression upon. I mean obviously I want people to think well of me but I just can't be bothered to dress up here. I care enough to not go to class in sweatpants and hoodies but I am not going to bother with matching my clothes when I spend most of my time outside of class in the dorm room or gym anyway.
From now on I will only buy clothes that fit me well, are timeless, and are easily matched. SEE: shopping supposes self-control too! Because if want to look well-dressed you have to refrain yourself from buying bad clothes. You NEED a rational and clear mind in order to make a sound judgment (e.g. "Wow this top looks awesome but a) will it look good on me; and b) will I be able to wear this next year?") THAT is exactly what you need to steer away from the temptations of trends. Being too trendy is like putting a time stamp on yourself yo. It's the reason why the adults cringe at their pictures from the 80s'.
Digressing a little, did you all realize that some of the 80s' trends are back in style now? I don't know if I'm just blinded but I think most people dress much better today! I mean look at that picture from the 80s! What were they thinking?????? THOSE CLOTHES DON'T EVEN FIT WELL ON THEM /gay-fashion-designer-swoon upon witnessing fashion faux pas
Ok. I feel much better.
DOES NOT NEGATE THE FACT I BLEW AN HOUR WRITING THIS BLOG POST WHEN I COULD HAVE BEEN WRITING MY PAPER OR STUDYING FOR SOCIOLOGY
I HATE MYSELF
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