Sunday, February 17, 2013
Moho Visit
Super thankful to be at Mount Holyoke. :-)
Just had some Chinese food which I got delivered to my room. I am staying at Willits-Hallowell at Moho.
It's not that I mind, but wow I went to the campus center just now to get something to eat and that was when it really hit me for the first time that if I do come here, I would be in an all-women's college. I don't really mind but it just bothered me a little somehow. Can I really live without guys for 3 (or 4) years wtf. Of course I can, but somehow the world just seems incomplete without the other sex. Coming here is, as dramatic as it sounds, almost as if nearly half of the world, the fraction consisting of boys and men (<--- sidetrack: lol this is my show name when I did my radio show in Year 2 hahaha) is completely obliterated.
I really don't mind. I'm just unaccustomed to it now. Once I get used to it I think it's going to be great. However, there are a lot of dykes here though. Again, nothing wrong with that. I just got a little bit surprised seeing lesbians everywhere holding hands hahaha. I don't hold things against people for being a particular sexual orientation but again, I have been living in such a heteronormative world that I'm just a little unsettled being placed in an environment where it's not so heteronormative anymore.
But I'm looking forward to it. I want to learn more about people, all kinds of people, and what better place is there than here? :-)
Allright it's kinda late (late only because I have to be up early tomorrow) but I'm going to make myself write. Lately it's been as if something's been caught in my throat, choking up my mind and blocking the thoughts from flowing freely through my fingers into the form of words. And I am going to keep letting these emotions rush through until they're strong enough to break the dam.
Where shall I begin? Okay, how about let's begin with some people.
You know I don't want to not have you in my life. Yet, I'm not really sure what I should do about all this, if there even is a "this". Is this a hallucination?
We can't reclaim the shirts we threw away last twirl /
Uncurl the note-in-pocket, personal brochures that dust /
Machine-washed, that's how paper rusts
I'm just thinking about what happened that night when you asked for that promise. I'm sorry I made it even though I didn't really want to. And then, I'm sorry for breaking it. It was going to happen because people don't keep promises they don't have the heart to keep in the first place, but there's no excuse. No excuses. I regret breaking that promise now. I know you've probably forgotten it, but I haven't. I am sorry I lied. I'm sorry I didn't mean what I said.
Soft spoken with a broken jaw /
Step outside but not to brawl /
Autumn's sweet we call it fall /
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and /
With the birds I'll share /
This lonely view
Song after made-up-on-the-spot song, your fingers slid up and down the neck of my ukelele. You swayed around on the carpet as if you were dancing for me, though really you were just happy. It had nothing to do with me, I suppose, but I was glad to be there.
That was when you said she was pretty and I agreed. LOL.
The night sky was bright, but not because of the stars – Singapore has a starless night sky. We shot a scream up into the vacuum above us, and it grew distantly hollow. And then we laughed, and soon the sky swallowed that up too, a gluttonous monster. The scream and the laughter disappeared into a supermassive luminescent darkness, but what was left behind was a light that gleamed on our faces, a brightness that stretched our lips into a smile. Nothing could take that away from us, and this residue is a memory I remember now, it courses through my veins. You looked lovely.
Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know /
It's serious /
Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know /
It's really serious /
There were times when I could have strangled her /
But you know I would hate anything /
To happen to her
I got mapo tofu ramen as usual. Whenever I go to Ajisen I always seem to end up getting the same dishes. Across me you picked up your chopsticks as the waitress settled my bowl of ramen in front of me. I don't do that anymore, waiting for everyone's food to get here before starting even if it means I'm hungry and my food's already set out in front of me. My American friends regarded me weirdly in those first couple of weeks I waited for everybody's food to arrive before digging into my own. "You don't have to wait for us." They don't wait for others too, if their food comes first.
After dinner we sat out on the steps at the forefront of the building, in the humid summer air. People hurried by on the sidewalk, and there were more smokers than usual standing near us puffing away on their cigarettes. It was the weekend, after all. The heat and thick smoke weighed down on me, my head felt kind of heavy then. Could you tell there was a strain in my voice? But we had a good conversation. One that's worth fighting the weariness.
I know you probably don't miss me, but do you ever miss that? I miss that conversation, and others we had that were in a similar vein.
汚れたスニーカーのほどけた紐 結んでくれた /
はにかむ あなたの笑顔 朝日を浴びて トキメイた 急に
the last vignette
Blue Starry Night shirt, baggy denim shorts, silver flipflops, unkempt hair, glasses perched on my nose. I still had my braces on then. Yup, I was poised to step out of the door looking like shit that day. My attire matched my state of mind – jumbled and utterly exhausted. A kind of happiness shone through though, but I'm not sure if I'm seeing this happiness now only because time has softened the harsh edges of this memory, making it a little bit prettier. Perhaps that day I was feeling like crap, and only like crap. But I think because it was the last day of filming I felt a little bit relieved and happy, although piled over those feelings was the usual anxiety that plagues you throughout the whole draining process of filming.
That day was quite nice. It was hot, but very windy. Punggol Waterfront was scenic, and the nature (albeit artificially arranged) had a soothing effect. We blazed through many scenes that day. Nothing was really out of the ordinary: Sheryl camwhored on people's phones/cameras, Danial had his hair slicked back, Michelle helmed the camera, Theo yelled "CUT" whenever we finished a take, Phoebe wore her favorite black knitted sweater, I was armed with paperwork and shitty clothes. What was new?
The day flew by like that. At night when Vanessa stepped on my laptop I got super pissed. We were all tired and angst-ridden. I definitely didn't think of you then. I don't think you were there at all... Where were you? What were you thinking about? What were you doing as I ran around Singapore with my friends and all that camera equipment?
Why am I thinking of all this now?
If there was a day where you weren't there, then why can't it be that way now?
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