Monday, December 31, 2012
我要回家
I am sitting on the floor outside my hotel room. Already it is over midnight and I should be packing, preparing for our morning departure from Paris. In the morning I will bade my parents and brother goodbye – it will be 4 months before I see them again. And I think my hormones are unbalanced or something, but I am utterly upset.
Over the past couple of days my emotions have rendered me snappy and irritable. I mean, in general my mom is quite irritating sometimes too but I've snapped at her more than I should have, when I could have just let things slide. But my sister did something just now and my irritation is now directed at her.
My mom brought a whole suitcase full of food and other supplies from Singapore. All because I had told her I missed this, and that, from Singapore. Even though we had repeatedly emphasized to not bring too much stuff, to only bring what we really need (e.g. contact lenses, amongst other things), they ended up lugging a whole suitcase from Singapore to Europe. I was the one who told my mom to bring a few more things, but not to the extent that it would be enough to fill up a whole suitcase. It was out of my mother's own love and concern for us that she brought that much stuff. Initially, when we first met at Rome, my sister already shook her head and blabbed on and on... Why did you bring so much stuff? I didn't tell you to bring so much stuff. No, I don't eat those noodles, it's useless that you bought them for me. And I can get that in US, you didn't have to buy it.
Because of this, she had erroneously thought that I was going to repack everything in the suitcase into my own luggage, even though my mother's intentions was for us to bring the whole suitcase back with us to college. Now, my sister is pissed because just as I was about to pack, I had sighed casually, "It's going to be so difficult to carry that extra suitcase around with us when we go to Boston." And then she freaked, and demanded for me to move everything into my own suitcase. Because we would have to pay $150 for extra baggage on domestic US flights (this, I have to admit, is rather harrowing). Also, that particular suitcase is incapacitated (the wheels are broken) so that makes it a real blast to haul around. "I don't want to lug this extra suitcase around," she spat. "Get them to
bring it back! I already told her not to bring so much stuff... She
didn't listen..."
And I am just so... Upset, because, why can't you just stop and think who she's doing all of this for? I get mad at my mother sometimes (ok make that very often), but I can't deny that she has our intentions at heart. I hate how my sister has to bitch about every.single.thing. I get really really mad at my mom very easily but hearing my sister snarl, "She [our mother] doesn't use her brain!" I felt a combination of anger and pity and wretchedness.
There's this other post saved in my drafts – about 2012. It is strange how in that post I had thought 2012 was a good year – although I had reached new lows, I learnt a lot the past year. But as I sat on the bed just now listening to my sister grumble... "2012 was a painful year" flashed through my mind.
Trust me, it wasn't that bad but indulge me because I am feeling particularly emotional.
Yes, 2012 was painful. It is painful, now that I choose to wallow in this pool of self-pity. At the end of the year I find myself hurt. Maybe it's the state I'm in that's distorting my judgment but a self-assessment sees me more hurt than at the beginning of the year hahaha. But hopefully I have come out of this more hardy.
And all this emotional baggage has to go. Please do not haunt me anymore. I want to be strong. /end emotional rant
I can't wait for the next semester to start because I can't wait to get it over with. 16 weeks, and then I will be home. I will be home.
Although college is only 4 years, why does it feel like...
It's going to take forever before I will be home for real.
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