Monday, November 12, 2012
From LA to Tokyo
These days it seems I find it hard-pressed to write about things outside of issues I face or just thoughts that come into my head in general. Nothing wrong with that, but I kind of feel like I'm forgetting what I have done – in real life, outside of my head – just because I don't record it.
So what have I been up to?
Well... Nothing really, besides the usual study-sleep-work-anime-eat routine. AND lest you all think I have been slacking off because of the inclusion of anime in my routine, in my defense, I have only watched 23 episodes over the span of 3 weeks, which is not so bad if you ask me! I find it really necessary to explain why I came to the US in the first place because everyone seems to think I am here because a) Singapore was too rigorous, so I gave up; b) my sub-par poly grades would not be sufficient to warrant an entry into a Singaporean university; or c) I am not even in university at all and this is just... high school or something.
Well, fuck you all. (LOL actually come to think of it I am quite certain most if not all of the people reading this blog would know the exact reasons why I'm in the US, it's actually people who don't read this blog that don't understand.)
I shall not go off on a tangent about why I am here because that is another story for another time, and I have digressed enough. So really, today I asked myself, what have I been doing, really?
It has been only perhaps 14 weeks away from home, but I have changed so drastically and irrevocably. Again, I shall not go into the details of how, and how much I have changed.
In Women's Studies today we discussed América's Dream (by Esmeralda Santiago). Because of the interdisciplinary nature of the subject, the topic of nationality got roped in our discussion and from there it led on to a short discourse about belonging. And then I realized that I have never truly felt like I belonged anywhere.
Not in Singapore, my home of 17 and a half years. Lest people accuse me of being oikophobic or xenophilic, no, I do not hate Singapore. Coming here has made me appreciate and love parts of Singapore I had taken for granted before. And truly, it has made me realize that very often it is the home that makes the people, and most of my favorite people lay in that sunny island that lies along the strait of Malacca. I just... Never quite felt like I belong. I don't really know how to articulate a reason for this – from young, things just never "felt right".
But not in America too, I am quite sure this is not where I belong. I enjoy the cold, fresh thrill of liberty that one feels walking upon this land; I appreciate this system where people are, for the most part, systematically advantaged, and how one always has a shot at "making it" no matter how late in life you are. Yet for all its freedom and choices and independence, somehow America still isn't just right for me. This strikes me as rather disconcerting, because I grew up reading American novels, watching American movies, and you know how writing is such a huge part of my life? My stories have always been pseudo-American. Not a single character has had a Chinese name, and my characters have a bevy of hair/eye colors. I don't hate my black hair, or my dark eyes, but I do wish it was not quite so boring.
And then I thought about it in real detail, and realized what I've written as a child never fell quite into one category. The cities and towns of my imagination have always had both American and Asian distinctions, a world of in-between, drawing from the best of both worlds.
I love too much of each place I have been to, to give it up.
This reflection led me to a startling discovery about myself: I am now quite sure I will never belong anywhere. And, maybe, that's okay. Suddenly, the idea of a life spent traversing from place to place seems terribly exciting to me. Now I am just so excited because I am going to plan my life ahead not settling down on place, but a few places – Japan, US, Taiwan, Thailand, Singapore – all the places I love, and more I have yet to uncover.
Er in case you all think I am going to be irresponsible and go off backpacking with my parents' money, no, that is not gonna happen LOL. Not bloody likely, I am not quite that unfilial. I just think it is quite exciting to have a life where one is able to, as it is often said in magazine profile stories about celebrities and socialites, "divide[s] her time between LA and Tokyo". I still have no idea what I'm gonna do, but at least now I know it has to be something that allows me to move around :-)
I am now quite excited about my future.
Oh look where this post got me, I wrote following my train of thought and now I have completely neglected what I had intended to write about – WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING LATELY. I shall leave this for some other post, if I can ever muster enough concentration to stay on this topic.
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