Sunday, September 2, 2012
brother
Since secondary school when I began to drift away from my family, the distance between my siblings and I grew as well. I can't put my finger on the exact point in time I wished this, but since secondary school I have always wished I had an older brother.
I don't know if it's because I'm fearful of girls and their complexities, which leads to me always having my walls up around them; or if it's because the naturally laid-back and chill disposition of (most) guys rendered me to subconsciously let my guards down. But I've always found it easier to confide in and hang out with guys because I have always known they would be less offended. [Well, but not guys in strange, strange America (yet) hahaha.] Throughout the years I have often been labelled a "flirt" because I always hang out and talk to guys. More often than not it has never been a conscious act to trust a guy more than I do the average girl. After having – this was what I called it in Sec 1 – "massive bitch fights" with other girls in my class, up till today I find myself truly connecting with very few girls.
I don't treat guys better because I am a cocktease, I've always felt that they were just generally more forgiving and less petty on many issues.
In Sec 1 when I was (kind of) left out, I saw myself as being
"ostracized" (yeah that was the exact word I used to describe my
situation to a guy who was trying to go after me lol), especially by the
more dominant girls in my class. In Sec 2 when I got over it but still
didn't remain close to girls in my class, Felicia casually mentioned a
couple of times that I have probably developed a fear of hanging out
with most girls because of all the bitching and backstabbing. All the
way till graduation the number of close girl friends I had were always
far outnumbered by guy friends I could consider close, and even these
few female friends were often dropped and gone from my life due to girl
drama.
Throughout these times though, I had constantly fantasized about having an older brother
to look out for me or punch/slap/kick the shins of people who treated
me with ill intentions. Naturally I imagined him to be taller than me,
handsome, hilarious, athletic but also smart... Basically the perfect
guy. He would be so cool that other people would be envious I had such a
brother and he would instill fear/awe in those bitches and they'd be
too scared to do anything to me hahhaha. Which is strange, because I
think these are the characteristics of the perfect boyfriend to many
other girls. But no, not to me. I wanted someone like that to be my
brother, a protector.
What I failed to realize (until a
few days ago) was that I already have someone like that. In fact, many
people in my life are like that.
Because I am shy I do not wish to put the names of people out here but let's just say plenty of the people are on the readers list of this blog. I find it incredulous sometimes, the kindness and generosity with which these guy friends so willingly shower upon me. This sincerity makes me feel guilty, especially when I always do nothing in return. All I do is (often meekly) lap up the attention. My exclamations of "I feel so bad, I always do nothing for you" is often met with "It's okay".
Being blessed with such people in my life make me feel incredibly blessed.
Okay time for bed my class is 8 AM tomorrow.
P/S On a side note I don't trust all guys though. I remember once I trusted Kenny with really intimate and personal feelings on a private issue and he went to broadcast them to various members of the Gay Party. I remember feeling really hurt and deciding never to trust him with any information of such a nature again HAHAHA
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