Wednesday, August 8, 2012
emo a bit
I should be packing my stuff but let me emo a bit first.
Can I just say how depressed I am about leaving? I suppose after getting there and after all the initial feelings of being homesick pass, I would actually like it there but now I am scared. Somebody posted on my college class's Facebook group, 'Get ready, your first college class starts in 29 days' or something like that. Instantly I remembered how stoked I felt to start poly, like it was a fresh start, one I desperately needed. Back then before poly before school and classes began I imagined myself bounding about on campus full of vitality and youthful spirit and engaging myself in fruitful discussions with my classmates during tutorials and lectures.
Obviously, this did not happen. (A huge part of it was due to my own reticence and shyness haha)
I can't imagine myself skipping about the Allegheny campus feeling all pumped up and ready for class. Because I'm not. I kind of was, a while back, but now the feeling has passed and what do I feel... Nothing.
I feel heavy because I know of all the things unresolved right now in my life. This isn't any different from over a year back – back then many things in my life were unresolved too. But I saw the fresh start that poly offered me as a route to escape, a place I could genuinely start anew for real. The difference between then and now is how my problems now are going to stay with me forever unless I resolve them, the distance wouldn't make them any smaller.
Why don't you solve them, then? You ask.
Because I don't know what to do.
I wish I could be free to do whatever I want without facing the repercussions. But it's not possible because, it seems, in my world, you are never your own person.
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