Tuesday, June 5, 2012
bury it, smother it
PR just now was terrible.
I never knew I was capable of getting so upset I could throw up but now I know. I'm still sort of in wonder with how it actually happened. It was terrible. I am terrible. I feel terrible.
Hopefully writing this all down would provide some form of catharsis, even if only a little, although when it comes down to it I know it's gonna take a while before the water goes still again.
See, this is why they told you to not let your guard down. I blame myself for all that has happened. The most sickening thing is that precisely... That this all goes down to me.
Yes I am hurt yes I feel awful but what can I do what can I do kick up a tantrum drop out of school be recklessly irresponsible? I feel so fucking ashamed of myself, whatever it is I do/did, right or wrong, makes me feel that way. Fuck this Catch-22 shit.
Is this how I'm gonna be for the rest of my life? I know about balance, about how we teeter on a scale perennially, about how without sadness there is no happiness, without darkness there is no light. But it seems I am constantly grappling and stumbling in the dark, and I always seem to stamp out what little sources of light I find.
My tendency to fuck things up shames myself.
I don't even know what to say because there is no excuse for my failings.... No excuse. I have failed.
Desperately trying to hold on to the mantra that got me through the same, well no, a similar situation. This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass. And it would, it would, it would. I'm trying so hard to remember now, that you don't die, you only wish you could. Because I sure as hell feel like dying right now. God save me.
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