Monday, April 16, 2012
college rant
I just had the college decision talk with my dad and I'm so disappointed. Not because he forced me to go to a college I didn't want to go to, but because I walked away with no decision at all and I didn't get any further from where I already got to myself. I had thought after tonight I could just settle on a college already and start the whole process of filling out the candidate reply form and all but no, I guess that's not going to happen yet. But I have to decide really soon, May 1st is around the corner.
I'm so disappointed that the whole hour we were "discussing", my dad didn't give any new input at all – all we did was talk about the college tuition of each respective college and how the southern states (out of the three colleges I've been accepted to, two are in the south) are not "traditionally educational states" and thus most people look down on them, or most of the better schools haven't heard of schools from the south. I was so mad. I mean I understand that's his viewpoint, but why can't he just be fair about this? I really wanted for us to find out together which college was better, academically, so that I could make it to a good graduate school or to another better college should I really go ahead with transferring out. He doesn't even know a single goddamn thing about Agnes Scott and Hendrix save for the fact that they're both in Loren Pope's book but he keeps saying that because they're in the south, they might not be very good.
I wouldn't mind going to Allegheny but I've got my reservations, like how the place is so goddamn rural and how you can't get anywhere, anything conveniently if you don't drive. I mean if you're going halfway across the world to study, you'd want to experience the culture of the country you're at and not just hit the books all the time right? If I go to Allegheny then I can't really experience that, but then again I can't make a good comparison because I don't know what Georgia and Arkansas (where Agnes Scott and Hendrix are at, respectively) are like.
And there's that whole thing about academics. I've pretty much figured out that Agnes Scott and Allegheny are about on par when it comes to academics, so going to either would probably ensure that I would be able to get into graduate school. If I want to transfer to a better college, it would be easier if I'm coming from Agnes Scott or Allegheny. But what if I apply for a transfer and I don't make it? I have to make sure the school I'm at is good enough then. But if I go to Hendrix, I get to design my own major, which is quite cool. Argh this is just so frustrating.
I get really sensitive when it comes to Allegheny and Hendrix, because I've communicated directly with the admissions officers of both schools. With my sister being in Allegheny, I feel almost bad if I turn them down because everyone there was so nice and welcome to me when I was there last August.
I guess I'm going to be firm and turn down Hendrix... But I still don't know what to do about Allegheny and Agnes Scott sigh.
Just now when my dad and I were talking, he started speaking in his usual, hostile way. It was really frustrating to talk to someone like that but you know what the worst thing is? I'm like that too when I speak to my family. When I talk to my dad, I understand all that he's trying to convey to me and I understand why he says the things he does and why he puts them in the various manners he does... And it frustrates me because it makes me feel like he's treating me like I don't understand, or haven't considered various options, but I already have. I get so upset I end up speaking to him in the same way he does to me. In the end I realised what I really want was for us to be able to make this decision together, to make a decision I know I will accept with no regrets (even if it turns out to be bad, I wouldn't regret it). I wanted to make a decision that was fair and unbiased but I guess with my dad it's not possible, because his thinking is already biased.
Reflecting upon the way my family communicates and gets along is depressing. During the college discussion just now, I couldn't help but keep thinking about how Audrey's (from fourfeetnine) father sat her and her brother down and meticulously went through colleges to decide which was the best. I couldn't help but wish my parents were like that.
A lot of my friends don’t really have very close relationships with their dads. The typical Asian dad has a stiff upper lip, may not talk much to his kids and shows his love by providing well for the family.
Not Fat Her. Not the bit about providing for family la obviously!!!
But Fat Her was the Fun Parent. Fat Her let me and Ooib hang bags on him and pretended he was a Christmas tree, prompting us to throw even more things on him to decorate.
Fat Her is the one who gives hugs liberally and tells us he loves us all the time. Ironically I’m less affectionate and will act all macho when he goes into his sappy mood. =.=
Fat Her was the one who, when Ooib and I drew comics all over his precious books and ruined them, he just laughed it off and kept them as memories.
Fat Her was the one who, every time I got scolded by Mummy Ooi for forgetting something or doing something silly, got dragged into the scolding inadvertently, because she said he gave me the forgetful gene.
Fat Her also gave me my height and my eyes. And he gave Ooib the Ooi nose, which will only enlarge with time WTF.
And Fat Her gave me my name. He named me Audrey after Audrey Hepburn who is his all time favorite actress.
Fat Her was the one we made jokes of, took funny photos of, and yet never ever got mad at us. Fat Her was the one who taught me to laugh at myself.
...
Fat Her took me and Ooib to buy magazines once, and being brats, neither of us wanted to hold the bag the magazines came in, even though they were OUR magazines. We walked and whined and quarreled and tried to palm the paper bag off each other until Fat Her finally lost his patience, turned around and tore this magazine into two HAHAHAHAHA. Then he walked off.
Damn strong ok tell me which dad can tear a magazine in half in one try HAHAHAHAHAHA. Both of us finally got scared and picked up the torn magazine pieces and ran after him hahahahaha.
I think when we got home we sat down together and taped the magazine back page by page so we could read it. Maybe Fat Her was being clever make us cooperate like this wtf.
Fat Her was the one who, when it was time to apply for college, sat down with me and Ooib for months at a time each and helped us sift through colleges, prepare application essays, obtain teacher testimonials until we got into good schools.
When I decided to major in Asian Studies he nudged me on when other parents would have balked or told me to do something useful. When I was thinking of writing an honors thesis, he excitedly helped me do research for it and bought books for me so I could have sources to refer to.
When Ooib was sitting for GMAT, Fat Her called him in Boston every night and coached him through the exam.
When we graduated, Fat Her cried along with Mummy Ooi.
Then he sat down with both of us individually and mapped out our interests and corresponding career options.
Fat Her was the one with whom I had multiple fights over curfew growing up. Actually that’s the only thing we ever fight about – my safety. Until now he and Mummy Ooi are convinced I’ll be hacked to death by an axe murderer sometime if I’m driving out by myself.
I think it’s because to him I will always be his little girl. Also because I really am little.
Dunno what I’ll do if anything happens to Fat Her or Mummy Ooi. Kill myself wtf.
– Fourfeetnine.com
I'm so envious of people who are close to their family like that, you know?
I'm so afraid that when I have my own family, my children will grow up and not be close to me because I don't know how to be close to them when they're growing up sigh. Honestly, I don't even know how it feels like to be close to your family. It wasn't even a choice I could make because of the way my parents were/are :(
Haih enough emo-ing. School starts later I should get to bed soon. SO DREADING SCHOOL SO DREADING SCHOOL
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