Saturday, March 17, 2012
It scares me how much I care, and don't care.
Anyway Hendrix e-mailed me asking for a Skype interview and I hope it goes well. Although Hendrix is not as good as Allegheny (academically, that is, based on my impression of it), I might go there because I remember it was my top choice for a while. I can't remember why it fell off the ranks, though. Oh wait, I remember – because it's located in Conway, Arkansas. I had thought that it was a pretty place (based on the pictures I've seen online) but my dad said people who don't live in the coastal states are usually racist LOL.
Being in FMS gives me a lot of self-doubt. More than ever I know I'm not an FMS type of person at all. But having spent (nearly) a year at someplace feeling so out of place makes me... Doubtful. What if I'm the one with the problem? Maybe because I had such a hard time assimilating, I just gave up and now I'm just blaming the environment? Maybe the reason why I don't feel like I fit in is because I'm a lousy person, too critical, and always judging people and giving them hell (at least in my head) for the smallest things? But I wasn't like this, I wasn't like this before. Nobody understands and people tell me "that's just you, you're a blunt/frank/honest person" but I remember the days when I was just... Nicer. I wasn't always blunt/frank/honest. Years ago, I was the furthest thing you could get from blunt, always afraid of offending people, always carefully measuring my words and trying to say the right things for different occasions (not that it stops me from looking back and wishing I always knew the right things to say...).
What happened?
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