Wednesday, February 1, 2012
things I wanted to give you but never did

Wednesday, 15 September, 2010
things I wanted to give you

I had many things I wanted to give you, things that I bought for you. I picked out those things with much deliberation and handled them with delicate care. Anything that is related to you seemed that much more fragile, like I had to cup them with my hands and be careful not to crush them.

I am not good at buying gifts, most of the time I don't know what to buy for people. The day I bought that present for you, I took so long to choose it. I ran back all flustered and late for the umpteenth time as we gathered at the meeting point. It made some people cross with me. When I asked for my friend's opinion on what I should buy, I even had to swiftly spin up some lies to cover my tracks. Lies are not too easy or too difficult to make, but they are difficult to maintain, reflects badly on your morals and all that. Everyone lies, maybe people lie everyday, lie without even realising it, but the fact remains that it is bad. As I gave a nervous laugh and randomly blurted out the first name of a female friend that popped into my mind after my friend asked me who I was buying for the gift for, I was absolutely and entirely aware of the fact that I was lying. And I was willing to do that for you, and so much more.

You gave me many things in return, and you also gave me many things that I didn't even ask for. I never expected you would adore someone like me, it puzzled me how someone could be so fascinated and intrigued and deeply enchanted by a Plain Jane like me, a normal, nothing-special girl. Knowing I had a place in your heart made me feel special.

I take what I have for granted, I'd admit. It takes me long for me to gain sight and see - really see - what it is that I have. If there's anything I would say, that would be that I never doubted your ardor - it was in what quantity it came in that I pondered over and doubted. And it took me long enough to realise the answer - that it was immeasurable.

Someone told me, "He loved you like bananas," and I'd retorted, "Bananas will rot eventually."
The person sighed and shook his head (at least this was what I thought he was doing in my imagination), as if to say sagely, "How foolish of you."

When I finally gained sight to see what I had in my hands, it slipped out of my fingers, like sand sliding off and wisping through the air towards the ground. As I tightened my fists to grab it, I blinked my eyes open to a brand new sight - to see what was already gone.