Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I'm on the bus now. It's the first time I'm typing a post on the bus, if you exclude using my phone haha. On the way to Bras Basah for Marcomm meeting.
Yesterday was a fantastic day, our Webgra final presentation went well, and then Theo and I stayed back after school to return the camera equipment from my house. After that, we went to digitize the tapes from Saturday's shoot.
All was pretty damn perfect (if you leave out the fact I was rather tired) until the interview for the upcoming freshmen bonding camp. Come to think of it, I don't even know why one needs to interview when you're applying for the logistics committee??? Hahahaha. I screwed up the interview and was feeling kind of bad about it. It didn't help that after we left the room, you have people like Dynn saying he answered "I'm Dynn," when asked what sort of FMS kid he was. Snarky? Sure. Arrogant? Perhaps. Confident? Absolutely. And/But that's what FMS loves.
Sometimes I don't even know why I'm in FMS.
But last night, Justin called me up out of the blue. Which is pretty amazing, I've actually been thinking about him lately because I need a favour from him hahaha but haven't looked him up. I'm really glad to hear he's doing well with his tutelage at the law firm. And hello Justin! I know you are reading this (or will read this eventually).
I went about on one of my usual diatribes, and of course went on to mention the interview. We talked for quite a while, and after we hung up, I felt infinitely better and yes Justin, thank God for you haha.
He also said he bumped into Felicia twice recently. Nowadays, when people mention Felicia, I don't know what to feel. Usually I feel apathetic. He told me that he talked to Felicia about me, and she said that she misses me too and she's scared that if we do anything now, our friendship might change irrevocably and the like.
Losing a friend is always something upsetting, and for me, the pain was amplified because she was my best friend. I went from hurt to sad to bitter to indifferent. I no longer know what to feel because I'm so used to being without her anymore. If there's anything I have learnt in the past year, it's that pain is transitory, that no matter how bad things are, they will always pass us by ("This too shall pass"). That everything happens for a reason.
If it were a few months back, I would have felt completely different. No matter how vehemently I denied it and however I said otherwise, I knew that I actually still cared about you and I actually missed you like mad (hahaha oh no I sound like a lesbian). But I was bitter, even though Brendan tried to convince me to just ask you out and pretend like nothing happened, I couldn't do it. Couldn't let my pride down. I didn't see why I should take a step forward when all you did for the past two years when we were still friends was remain at the very same spot.
The ghosts of this past are coming back to visit me again, I know them well like old friends. Only this time round, it's as if I'm seeing them through a glass window.
I am afraid that if we are friends again, the same thing would happen and I would have to deal with being hurt and depressed again.
Ahkiat (don't know if you're reading this lol you didn't accept the blog invite but hello Ahneng! I am writing about your cousin!) was the only person whom I was ever very close to, and then not, and now close to again. But it was only because he made the consistent effort to be friends with me again, I was convinced he wouldn't leave for no reason again haha.
I cannot trust you to do the same.
Okay I gotta get off the bus soon to get on the train, I'm reaching Dhoby Ghaut shabalabadingdon
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