Friday, January 13, 2012
Extremely jittery and scared. I hope writing this would make me feel better, because I remember a time where writing was slightly cathartic…
I am very scared for college applications. Extremely scared. I know the sooner I get it all over and done with, the quicker I'll be able to regain my peace. I honestly haven't had a peaceful night's sleep in weeks, if you don't include Japan. Despite knowing all this I still dragged the whole process for months until now — I barely have a month left.
I am caught in an extremely uncompromising situation. If I am not accepted anywhere in the US, it would basically mean I will be stuck in Singapore in NP Mass Comm. To other people, this may not seem like the worst situation to be in, what with NP's Mass Comm being a rather highly coveted course and all but that is not the key problem here…
I don't wanna be stuck doing this. Actually, I don't even know what I want out of life anymore and that scares the hell out of me. I used to think that I'll figure out in college, I'll just try out my different interests and eventually settle on one or two to pursue. But do you know what the scariest thing of all is? It is that right now, I feel zero zest for anything at all… I no longer feel like writing. Even the idea of traveling scares me (would have jumped at this in the past).
It is like all of a sudden, I have lost my grasp on my take of the meaning of life. And now everything scares me because I'm so afraid I'll screw up. But I don't know where to go from here because I don't have any idea AT ALL where I wanna be in the end. It is not liberating at all, this “freedom”.
It is 3.19 AM as I type this on my phone in my bed. I had to, again, resort to taking sleeping pills. Haven't had them for a while (the last time being last year), but why should I have to resort to such measures in the first place to get my sleep?
I think the person I am most afraid of is actually myself.
College applications — I should get them done. But it seems like a task requiring Herculean effort, and a huge part of me is immobilized by the acknowledgement of said required effort. I have it in me, the strength to go through this, somewhere. I need to find it. I need to find it. I need to find it.
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