Friday, December 23, 2011
I go to sleep and I dream of all the things I'm worried about in my sleep. College applications. LocVid ideas and scripts undone. My luggage, unpacked. And these things flood my mind even more when my mind senses that I'm even the slightest bit awake.
Can somebody save me? I don't know what to do anymore. I used to see sleeping as an escape from reality, a place where I am safe from everyone and everything but myself. Dreams, fragile as they are, have always been so very important to me. They are a distraction from the troubles of life. But these days I find I can no longer escape from my troubles anymore – they haunt me once I step into dreamland. And I can tell you, it really sucks to be dreaming about all the things you're supposed to do but have not yet done. I haven't felt rested in probably over a month.
In other strange events of late, I have been talking to the ex-boyfriend a lot. By ex-boyfriend, I mean the one I was really hung up over back then. By a lot, I mean everyday, and for a few hours everyday. It's amazing because long conversations that last for hours and stretch over days just don't exist for me anymore. These conversations ceased to exist once people started abandoning MSN for Skype/Facebook Chat and started getting too lazy to text.
It all started on my birthday, when he sent me a message over Whatsapp to wish me a happy birthday. And then I don't know what happened, but we just started talking again.
We talk about a lot of senseless drivel. We tease each other a lot, almost endlessly. We speak in a way we have never done before. It was hard being friends with him from the first time we met because I guess we probably sort of liked each other from the start, and it is always difficult to behave normally in front of such a person. But this time round I guess we both know it's different.
I can see he hasn't changed a lot though. It's true when they say old habits die hard. He's still a private person (and how he probably doesn't know he is like that remains the same as before), he's still the type that would get somewhat possessive over his girlfriend. But I suppose these are traits, rather than habits, and I guess these things would never die out.
Underlying his outwardly bravado and defenses, I still see the gentle soul I've seen so long ago. I guess perhaps people might find this laughable. But I do really believe that at heart, he's actually a really good person. He just needs to stop being so afraid (and afraid of what, I don't even know).
Speaking to him over these past few days has made me realised something though, and that is how all guys seem to have short-term memory (henceforth abbreviated as STM). Most of my "do you remember when..."s are usually met with "REALLY?!"s or "Omg how did you know?"s. "Omg how did you know?" comes when I mention something he has forgotten ever telling me. But I remember, I remember a lot.
A while back when I spoke to Honkei, we both realised he has STM as well. The belief that my memory is good (or as someone has called it, "imba") was re-ascertained when I spoke to the ex. But it really makes me wonder – do guys really have STM, or is it just that girls tend to remember things too much, and too easily? After all, most of the time it's girls who hold grudges and not guys.
But the ability of his mind to retain information (or in this case, lack thereof) stuns and fascinates me. HOW is it possible for someone to not remember so many things? Perhaps this is why he could get over our relationship so quickly, but it took me ages to do the same. I am starting to wonder if he even remembers that we were once together.
Some people think it's cool (and somewhat freaky) to have such a good memory and to be able to remember so many things, but I honestly feel it's not as good as it seems. There are many things I am better off not remembering, but letting go of them seems almost impossible. They are laced into every part of my being, the memories run through my veins like blood.
There are just some things I'd rather forget, you know?
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