Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Rumour has it
As of a few minutes ago, I have just completed my fourth theme card for the Gracomm typography project. I'm gonna take a break and go to bed after I finish blogging because these days, all I've been spending my spare time on is this project, sigh.
With the onslaught of PMS, I have, for the past week perhaps, been acting like quite a bitch. But it's also these times that I have a lot to say, so please pardon my ranting.
I am mildly pissed off by some people around me. Sometimes it angers me because I try so hard but then people don't even see it. I'm the kind of person who slowly lets go and gives up on a situation when the fact that things can't be improved is registered into my brain. Usually, this process of truly and wholly giving up takes a long while because I am such an emotional person and my emotions always get in the way. I may be angry at first and I may start having an internal diatribe about how unappreciated I feel, but next the feelings of how I care for the person (for example) start flooding in and I revert back to my original stance of "try, try again". However, each time, my zeal slowly abates and eventually it whittles down to nothing.
This is also why it took me so long to give up on my ex-best friend. The fact that she really did not care (or that, even if she did, she wasn't going to take any initiative to show it) took literally years to sink in, like how an anchor dips and lodges itself onto the surface of the sea floor. And you know what the worst thing is? Even now, after I have finally let go of my struggles with this issue... I STILL occasionally make a satirical remark or two (or three...) about my ex-best friend behind her back to another friend. LOL
I want to help people, I really do, but an issue I've identified about myself is this: compared to years ago, now when I try and counsel/help/console someone, my patience runs thin REALLY quickly. When I'm consoling someone now... My feelings of sympathy and concern can morph into contempt and disgust in all of 10 minutes. Really.
I want to help people, but how are you gonna help people when they don't want to receive it? I'm really angry and frustrated about this because, I REALLY DO WANT TO HELP. I hate seeing people emo and I'm all for listening to their troubles.
Let me deviate from the main topic a little. On a side note, I am not angry about people teasing me and calling me a "stalker", but I hope people would understand WHY I remember pieces of information I've acquired about a person (wherever the sources were from) and why I always want to know more about a person. Besides my somewhat secret obsession of trying to figure out someone's personality as accurately as I can from the things he or she says/does, it's also because I want to know the person better, because I believe this way I'd be able to get along with him or her better. It is NOT because I want to gossip or stalk them!
Back to the topic at hand. There's this person whom I know hasn't been feeling in the best of moods for months. And that's fine, I know how it feels to be miserable, to want to lay in bed all day or be irresponsible and only do the things you feel like doing do. I know how it feels like when some of the things you feel like doing can't even be done (for whatever reasons). I know how it feels like to think things are never gonna get better. I know how it feels like to think no one is gonna understand how you feel and why tell people how you feel when things aren't gonna get better anyway and even if they say it will, it never does. I know, I really do.
If someone does not want to listen to me when I console them... It's okay. It's not easy to step out of self-pity because it's so much easier to just stay where you are. Yes it feels miserable, but moving on supposes a lot more courage and endeavor.
What pisses me off is how, say, when I console Person X, he/she doesn't listen (completely understandable), and then when someone else Person X thinks is better tells him/her the exact same thing I did... AND THEN IT'S ALMOST LIKE PERSON X GETS AN EPIPHANY OF SORTS. What the hell?
Doing that, just so you haven't already realised, is telling me that you obviously DO NOT value what I tell you. Here I am trying to help you and you think my advice doesn't cut it because it's from ME. And that pisses me off because it shows that you think I am not on the same level as the other person who gave you the exact same piece of advice.
Telling me "I know you care for me and that's enough" doesn't cut it because you've already shown you don't think well enough of me to even consider what I've said.
Telling me "I'm closer to Person Y that's why I took his advice" doesn't cut it because I TOLD YOU THE EXACT SAME THING. WHY CAN'T YOU DISCERN THINGS ON YOUR OWN?
Telling me "I was in a muddled state of mind, so when you told me about it, it didn't quite register" doesn't cut it because if you care enough about what I say, THEN YOU WOULD HAVE AT LEAST A SMALL FRACTION OF IT RETAINED IN YOUR MIND.
I am just so pissed off because I am trying so hard to help and this person does. Not. Give. A. Shit. Dude, do you know why your spirits can never be raised? Because in your heart, you have already decided not to help yourself by only listening to people whom you think are "mature enough". Therein lies your biggest weakness; you've allowed yourself to shape your own reality - in a bad way.
So angry because I have tried to help and the other person probably thinks I'm meddlesome and all I'm doing this for is for my own stalking pleasures and gossiping.
It's sad how you try so hard but no one even sees it.
Sometimes I hate the way people think of me. Which is why I love meeting my Fuhua friends so much because THEY KNOW ME BEST.
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