Thursday, November 10, 2011
Never in the now
I am never in the now.
Forever, as some people say, is consisted of now, now, and nows, but I can't see it that way.
All my life, I've lived it chopping my time into three blocks. The past, present, and the future. When I was young and trapped in my own world and thoughts, my mind was zoned in on the present. Ever since the days of my childhood, I have always been an observer. It isn't often I pipe up and comment.
Then came the teenage years and suddenly, the eyes I used to see with as a child was entirely reshaped. My view, slowly and surely, grew into bigger focus and age granted me with a well-versed education of dexterous cunning. At the same time though... I lost the playful imagination and creativity of a child.
A great year or two of being a teenager passed but we all know good times never last for long. It all went downhill and tumbling down. And soon I became fixated with the past, dwelling in the past and my pensieve of what-has-been-s.
I can no longer feel, see, and face the future like I used to be able to as a child. Life is unpredictable and unexpected and, with age, the beliefs that my world was mine to shape and everything would go my way and the things I daydreamed about would come true have all eroded away.
The future is shaky and insecure and I am afraid to face it. I indulge myself, instead, in pleasurable memories of the past. I compare them incessantly with the present, especially when I feel awful, like "Why can't things be like the way they were back then?"
I miss the past.
I want to sculpt the piece of clay that is my future but I am afraid it will morph into a monster (like how you'd see on TV) before it even turns into what I want it to be.
I'm never in the now and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
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